Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: S6/E4

As usual this week's episode starts with a full blown analysis of last week's model eviction, with all the modelettes musing on how SAD it is that [INSERT NAME HERE] has gone, because she really wanted it and worked so hard, yada yada yada.

Well, all the modelettes except for Kimberly, who's rather less sympathetic.

“She wasn't the person that was our biggest competition here. They're kind of just weeding out the weak ones,” she says, which is a bit rich for someone currently dressed as Danny from Grease.


"Wella wella wella HUH."


Back at model HQ and a semi naked burglar appears to have broken into the property, unbeknownst to the girls who are all snoozing away in their beds. Before he makes off with their DVD player he takes a dip in the pool, at which point everyone gets up and starts squealing with excitement. It's not clear why.


Yes. I can see why that would be so exciting.


Finally they work out that the swimming bandit is actually Olympian Michael Klim and they all start screaming again because they now have a legitimate reason to be excited.

“He's a breast stroker or something,” says Kimberly, making that occupation sound a lot dirtier than it actually is.

“Morning girls, I'm Michael Klim and I surgnmm hunmm Strayan swim toym humm errmm yeeeears,” says the bandit.

After rewinding the tape 11 times (isn't Foxtel IQ brilliant?) and enlisting the help of an interpreter, I deduce that Klim is there to get the girls' bodies “swimsuit ready” by wrapping them in neoprene and chucking them into cold water for a few hours. This is about as exciting as it sounds.

“As soon as I put my head under the water, I got an instant brain freeze,” says Kimberly.


Kim manages to defy the laws of physics by freezing something that doesn't actually exist.


Then swimsuit model Cheyenne Tozzi rocks up looking and sounding like 5am in Kings Cross – I think she's wearing bathers but it could just be that she's lost her pants, which wouldn't be so unbelievable given the way she's slurring her words.

“Saahhve basically jus flownfrom Noooyohhk to shoothe latess mambo campaign,” she slags in the weirdest accent you've ever heard, and once again I turn to my interpreter for help. Apparently she's just come back from New York to shoot the latest Mambo campaign. Right.


“Er, Cheyenne – what happened to your pants?”


“Now you girlsh go upshtairs and put your bikinish on,” she continues.

The next five minutes is spent watching Cheyenne roll about on the floor flicking her hair around in an effort to show the girls how to pose in a swimsuit, LIKE IT'S SOME BIG MYSTERY.


Groundbreaking, I think you'll agree.


While watching a bunch of scrawny teenagers in lycra pulling awkward poses is captivating television, I have to confess I'm distracted throughout the entire segment by Cheyenne's boobs – as is 100% of the audience of boyfriends being made to watch this show by their girlfriends.


Is it just me, or do they look a bit... weird?


Fortunately I'm broken out of my strange cleavage induced semi-hypnotic state by Kimberly's whining – she doesn't do bikinis, she doesn't know any good poses, and she's not going to blardy do it.

“Kim, at the end of the day it's just a bikini,” says Sophie, in what could possibly be a line from the forthcoming series of Kath and Kim.


LOOK AT MOYYYY.


“If yoo can't doo this, then wot are yoo here for? Oym serious!” she continues, in an accent hitherto reserved for the sorts of people who regularly yell out things like “Number 37 your schnitzel pack is ready”.

Kim gets upset and stalks off, revealing to the nation just how deep her bogan roots really go:


Oh dear.


She starts packing her bags and threatening to run away but fortunately Cheyenne – who really couldn't give a shit and would probably prefer to be sinking Jagerbombs somewhere - is on hand to talk her around.

Cue Kim's second batshit crazy rant for the season. Last week she railed against stupid people. This week she's got it in for bikinis.

“I have the biggest hatred for bikinis in the world,” she cries.

Pardon? Could this be a belated stand against French nuclear testing?

“I was a meter maid for three and a half years and I vowed NEVER TO WEAR A PAIR OF TOGS EVER AGAIN.”


Right. But a Hooters uniform is fine.


The obvious question here is clearly “Well what the fuck do you wear to go swimming, then?” but sadly Cheyenne avoids asking it, opting to give some advice instead.

“There's things that are going to happen, and then you can cry, and there's problems in the world and in life and then you can cry - this is not a crying problem,” says Cheyenne, in what is a weirdly worded sentence but nevertheless quite a sensible sentiment.

Kim ignores her, throws on the ugliest rugby top in the universe and hides in the bedroom, tears streaming down her face. She REALLY hates bikinis.

Back in the lime green cavalcade of the Apocalypse, and the girls are whisked off to some bar to do a swimwear challenge that Cheyenne has told them has something to do with an Italian island.


I secretly hope this is the theme of their next shoot.


“I'm not from Sydney so I had NOY IDEA what was going to happen,” Sophie says. Anyone else think this show should be retitled Australia's Next Top Model: WE'VE GOT NOY IDEA!

Suddenly, like a vision of bald, scowling magnificence, Alex Perry materialises in the centre of the room.

“I had NOY IDEA what he'd be doing there,” says Chantal. Sigh.

He says something about swimwear and a runway show or something, it's hard to tell because I'm busy shielding my eyes from the glare off his head and screaming “MAKE IT STOP” but then it doesn't matter anyway because OMG MEGAN GALE IS THERE.


OMGWTFROFLMAO!


“You'll all be modelling my new range of swimwear – Isola, which means “island” in Italian,” La Gale explains, deftly dashing any of the model's hopes that they'd be jetting off to Capri this week.


Tricky!


Each girl has to slap on a swimsuit and parade in front of Pezza and La Gale to see if they're good enough to feature in her runway show. This sounds like it should be interesting, but isn't.

So after five minutes of boring television the girls pile back into the room for the verdict, hoping it will be delivered quickly as they're all on their way to a costume party at Michael Klim's house.


PARTY TIME.


Brittney is going as an extra from Warrant's Cherry Pie video and Sophie is going as “trash Barbie”, while Kelsey is going as “Your Year 2 teacher from 1985”. Meanwhile Chantal has hooked her pants up to an oxygen tank and is slowly inflating them to go as the Hindenberg, Joanna is going as “a pile of old clothes from out the front of the Goodwill” and Kimberly is going as her little brother, Jayden. Kathryn is going as a disembodied French head with one leg.

Cape Fear Kathryn and Sophie Avon Cyrus are both told they won't be in the show. This makes strike two for Kathryn in the runway stakes after being cut from Fashion Week in week one. I don't want to ruin anyone's viewing experience here, but this does seem to point to the rather obvious conclusion that KATHRYN WILL BE ELIMINATED TONIGHT. She does only have one leg, after all.

“I think I look good in a bikini. Not sounding up myself, but I think I do,” blahs Sophie, not sounding up herself.

“Kathryn was upset that she didn't get to walk because it could really detriment her place in the competition,” says Amanda, cleverly inventing a new word and avoiding a poo reference at the same time.

Backstage, outcasts Sophie and Kathryn are doing insignificant things like looking miserable and putting sticky tape on shoes (I'm not sure if that's a real job or if someone just got them to do that for a laugh) while the other modelettes get haired and made up for the show.

Meanwhile the party is raging out front with a whole heap of super hot A Listers in super cool fashions.

Like this cool dude:


Swingin!


And this groovy chick:


Hot!


Oh look, he brought a change of glasses:


Stylin!



And then the parade starts. In a nutshell:

  • Amanda comes out in a OMG CHECK OUT THAT BODY THAT IS RIDICULOUS. Ahem. Amanda has quite a good figure. She should win.


  • Kimberly manages to disract herself from the fact she is “in togs” by concentrating on “being chic”. Chic people don't call them togs, Kimberly.


  • Pezza writes off any past achievement Kimberly may have had by labelling her new haircut “the best thing that has happened in her life to date”. Although I don't think she's won the Nobel Prize recently, I feel this is perhaps a little unfair.


  • Chantal's arse disappearing down the catwalk has such hypnotic properties that the entire front row immediately feels the urge to go salsa dancing:



Shake yo booty, gurrrrl!


  • One of Kelsey's 6 inch heels comes off on the final lap, making her walk even more lopsided than Kathryn the one legged floating head.



Life is hard for a bodiless model.


  • Megan celebrates the conclusion of the show by practising some swimsuit poses Cheyenne Tozzi taught her earlier:




She will TOTALLY land a Mambo campaign like that.


Joanne is deemed the best at walking in a straight line without losing a shoe or hypnotising people, and wins some sort of prize I can't be bothered going into. Then everyone piles into the lime green cavalcade of the Apocalypse again and heads off to the beach for a photo shoot.

“I love the water and I love being at the beach so I was really excited,” says Jess.


Yes, she looks like a sun lover, doesn't she?


Suddenly a gothic beachcomber looms into view – some depressed philosophy student who likes to collect shells on the beach in a black trenchcoat and leather boots while quoting Shelley and musing on the frailty of human existence. Actually it turns out to be Bros, channeling his moody side.


“As I gaze out upon the endless waste of humanity, peering through the foggy maze of my miserable condition, I... OH, HAI GIRLZ!”


For the first time in the history of ANTM, the girls don't crap on about how they have “NOY IDEA” about what the day's challenge will be.

“We were definitely going to be doing swimwear,” says Kelsey confidently. She is SMART, that one.

Next thing you know they're all in bathers being shot by some bloke called Pierre. In a nutshell:

  • Jess fails to land a swimwear campaign with her shoot, but does succeed in making the cover of Amputee Monthly:




COVER STORY: We get legless with sexy Jess!


  • Kimberly refuses to take her blanket off, almost turns a swimwear shoot into a Snuggie commercial


  • Kathryn does a passable impression of the last chicken in the shop wrapped in a Tuff Stuff bag before doing a “Baywatch” style run to shore. Pamela Anderson does not feel threatened.


  • Still, it's better than Brittney's run:



WEEEE-HEEE!


  • “I just worry that Chantal can sometimes look a bit awkward,” says Bros.



No, really?


And also, because I can't get enough animated GIFs this week, have this:


SPLOSH.


  • Not sure Chantal looks quite as awkward as Sophie though:



Nice angle.


  • “Maybe the photographer kept shooting because he just liked to shoot me,” says Sophie. Little does Sophie know that millions of viewers around the country would quite like to shoot her, too.



After the photoshoot Bros decrees that not even the god of hairdressing Joh Bailey has had the desired effect on Sophie's godawful hairdo, and she is sent back to his salon for a second attempt at a de-mulleting. And who better to give hair advice than Bros?


Apart from maybe this guy.


I'LL TELL YOU WHO: THIS GUY.


WHY WOULDN'T YOU TRUST THIS MAN WITH YOUR HAIR?


“Don't worry, I'll make sure I look after you,” says the albino hobbit, clearly one of Joh Bailey's minions. Unfortunately for Sophie the crazy glint in his eye says otherwise. He chops off so much hair not even her butchered skunk wig-piece can save her.

“Immediately after I had my hair cut it was like I had an epiphany or something,” says Sophie, which may actually be true – who would have thought she even KNEW the word “epiphany”?

Whether or not Sophie has achieved spiritual enlightenment through her new hairdo is not clear, however one thing is sure – she will now be known as Lady Di.


The Poyples Princess.


And with that it's off to the elimination warehouse, where unpopular models are washed, brushed, stripped of their parts and sorted into skips for recycling.

Spare a thought for poor Kelsey was obviously attacked by a wild bear on the way in, and was forced to defend herself with her jeans:


She must have had uncovered food in her pockets.


Onto the picture bitch:

  • Sophie Lady Di manages to look like Daryl Hannah in Splash, sans tail. She looks ridiculously good. Darn it.


  • They flash up a cute “behind the scenes” happy snap from Chantal's Facebook page and everyone has a good chuckle – before realising that's her actual shot. Oh. Er... sorry.


  • Amanda looks like she's been snapped midway through doing the Nutbush:



HENHOUSE, OUTHOUSE.


  • Identity Dawson decrees she needs a “fashion rocket up her arse”. Sadly they are only legal in Canberra.


  • Kimberly spies an opportunity to fuck things up for herself and grabs it with both hands, launching into her “I hate bikinis” spiel one more time. Did a bikini kill her father or something?


  • Suddenly Wednesday Adams turns up and everyone flocks to get autographs, before they realise it's just Joanna.



“That Tim Burton role is MINE I tell you, MINE.”


  • It's determined that Jessica looks great from the neck down and everyone nods excitedly before Identity points out there's not much of a market for headless models.



Bodiless ones are OK though.


Before we go on can I just say WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOPHIE'S HAIR? She's had two visits to Joh Bailey's salon and she still looks ridiculous. The girl can not get a decent style - it's like her hair is demonically possessed. This latest do makes her look like Charlie from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:


"I bet they make the chocolate taste TERRIBLE."


I think they should just shave it all off and start again.

All the modelettes are called up one by one to receive a bubblejet print out of their photo and a packet of Smarties, leaving just two behind – Kimberly The Bikini Hater and Chantal The Awkward.

“We miss the warm and bubbly Chantal we all know and love,” says the Shiralee, who is clearly describing someone else as we've seen no evidence of Chantal's personality whatsoever in the last three episodes. One of the camera operators, perhaps? The cleaning lady? Whoever it is, she sounds nice, I hope she doesn't go.

As it turns out Chantal IS the one to leave this week – cue the emotional guitar music and shocked faces – and Kimberly stays on the scene despite being an unprofessional little vagabond who causes trouble for everyone. Oh sorry, did I say despite? I meant BECAUSE.

As she walks out the door and into oblivion, we take the time to remember all of Chantal's amazing photographs. Like this one, which looks suspiciously like

a) a Farmers Union Iced Coffee commercial
b) a billboard for WorkChoices
c) 'June' from the Women's Labour Prison Screws 2010 calendar
d) a still from a government TV ad for the work for the dole scheme


Does anyone even remember this shot? Is she giving the THUMBS UP?


Good choice,judges – if that's the best a girl can do when hanging off some scaffolding in a chambray shirt in the rain, she's just not cut out for the job.

Catch you next week, kids.



17 comments :

  1. Hahahahaha! your blogs about AusNTM are always hilarious! I don't understand why the girls on the show always appear to be RIDICULOUSLY dumb!. I wonder if they watch themselves later and cringe. I know I would.

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  2. I love gifs, my favourite one is still Alexandra 'catching flies' from that redonk photoshoot like three million seasons back.

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  3. thanks again for an entertaining read. It's better than watching the actual show.
    Jessica reminds me of gollum from LOTR. ewww I wish they'd evict her, or banish her to Mt Doom.
    Sophie-yuck! I'm sick of the nude lipstick. It's vile. So is her hair. At least charlie had an excuse-he was poor. 2 trips to Jo bailey should've been able to improve it, but no. With all the brown, nude colors going on, she reminds me of Captain Caveman. zheck, even scraggy from scooby do looked better with his do.

    Again, thanks for your witty observations

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  4. Thank you for pointing out Cheyenne Tozzi's weird boobs.

    Solid blog.

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  5. I need a serve of whatever Cheyenne was on to keep watching more of Sophie and Kimberley. Am loving the 'Aussie' factor this season!!!
    Awesome blog Pet.

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  6. Before blaming Joh Bailey and his haircutter,could it not be that Sophie is mucking it up herself post-haircut? We've already seen her sabotage on last week's cut and addition of rats tails extension, so it's clear the girl has no taste or class. If you check out the brief shot of her hair IMMEDIATELY after the cut, as she sits in the chair with the cutter behind her, it looks terrific. I suspect she then goes home, stewing, and attempts her own individual 'styling'. Joh Bailey might consider suing for loss of reputation.

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  7. vvvv funny!
    I can't believe you get this sort of quality out so quickly!

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  8. hahaha i LOVE your blog. Fav quote of the post:
    "Megan celebrates the conclusion of the show by practising some swimsuit poses Cheyenne Tozzi taught her earlier"

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  9. I don't normally LOL but your blog entries always result in an actual laugh that is not just inside my head.

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  10. How'd you miss that: http://i36.tinypic.com/e7igp4.jpg
    And how pointless is Jez in there. He got like 3 words this time.
    But still amazing.

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  11. You are a godess! That said, it's actually Hindenburg :)

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  12. Does anyone else see a resemblance between Joanna and David Walliams from Little Britain? Just from certain angles, especially when she's doing her little camera diary spots...

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  13. I love Cheyenne's Ausmericaeuropa accent ala Elle Macpherson. Bros on the beach looked like a still from an 80s film clip. Lady Di's photo shoot also resembled a shoot from Zoo, Ralph or FHM.
    It could only have been more entertaining if someone's boob had slipped out during the catwalk show.

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  14. It was definitely a mistake to read this in the office - I haven't laughed out loud so much....ever!

    PS: Taping shoes is a job - kind of the crappest you can get on a runway behind the scenes job - its so the shoes dont scuff and can go back to the PR agency intact.

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  15. Hahahaha major Lols!
    Ps: has no one noticed that Brittney is CLEARLY bec Cartwright (sorry, bec HEWITT's) doppelgänger?

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  16. Your Bros segements always have me in tears of laughter!

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  17. LMAO @ "NOY" so funny. well done! i'll definitely be back next week for the next wrap up.

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