Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: S6/E6

Before we get into this week's action, can I just ask: why has the ANTM theme tune been sung by someone apparently in the middle of cooking pancakes on a faulty stovetop? “Don't stop, too hot, on top, you'll drop, so hot, too hot, so hot, SO HOT” - it's very distracting. Can't she use an electric frypan?


"I said 'STOP, TOO HOT' you idiot! Now look what you've done."


Anyway, back to the show, which opens in the usual way – a bunch of teenagers going “blah blah blah” about whatever it was that happened last week. The biggest “blah blah blah” this week comes from Amanda, who is appalled that Kimberly suggested she was going to go to leave the show to go to school and get “a real job”.

“So she's saying that Jez Smith, Charlotte Dawson and Sarah Murdoch – they haven't got real jobs?” she says.


I dunno Daws – is it a real job?


“She just basically crapped on their professions,” she continues. Meanwhile, a hundred thousand kilometres away, a table full of screenwriters for American Pie 18 get a strange shivery sensation, and the unnerving feeling that somewhere out there exists a person with an even greater propensity for poo references than themselves.

Back at Model HQ and everyone is pretending to eat breakfast when a pair of ginormous Babybel cheeses bounces into the room, and... oh wait, it's just Jez Smith's pecs. It must have been the red, waxed quality that confused me.


“Sometimes when I wax, I weep.”


He says something about animals, and how they're going to hang out in the studio and take some photos together. Be careful ladies - that's just what they said to that girl in the horse video that gets emailed all round the internet.

They go to some studio and meet some guy, who tells them to take all their makeup off so he can get to know the angles of their faces. I'm not sure when the animals come into it, but it's sounding a bit pervy already, for sure.

He tells Brittney her best feature is HER ENTIRE FACE. So just remember Brittney, when you're being photographed, make sure to get YOUR FACE into the shot. Kathryn is reminded that she has a “break out” on her chin.


Yes. See, I'd say that's less a “break out” and more a full scale prison riot.


Kelsey is instructed to permanently squint her right eye, as it's bigger than her left. Alternatively she could whack a patch over one of them and get a gig in the burgeoning “pirate chic” market.

“The mouth you've got now, is that the mouth that ends up getting photographed?” he asks Amanda, to which she replies “No, fuckwit, I put my other mouth on for photo shoots, WHAT DO YOU RECKON?”

He declares she has a “lip problem”, but helpfully gives her some instructions for how to fix it like “keep your lips closed, but your mouth open”.


Not like this.


After this enlightening facial masterclass, the girls do a photo shoot with Mr Babybel. In a nutshell:

  • Brittney the model bot finally finds her personality software, installs it and fires up in front of the camera even – SHOCK – smiling.


  • Joanna discovers that she looks great pouting, scowling and generally looking evil, but absolutely frightening when she smiles.


  • Jez tells Kathryn she has “a real sadness” in her eyes, and the poignant music starts – omg, is she about to tell us how she was abused as a child? Maybe her father was beaten to death with a bikini, like Kim's was? But no, she's not sad. She's just Kathryn. Ho hum.



Sad? Whatcyootalkinbout, Willis?


  • Sophie is praised for her excellent skin, which was no doubt a factor in her landing the latest “BOTOX – IT'S TOTALLY SAFE” campaign:



"I'VE HAD BOTOX AND YOU CAN HARDLY TELL."


  • Sophie's ad campaign has clearly had the desired effect on Amanda, as she's obviously pumped the bottom half of her face with Botox and can no longer move it. Jez tells her she does the same expression in every photo:



Which I believe I have just scientifically proven.


The lime green cavalcade of the Apocalypse arrives to whisk the girls away - as usual they have “NOY IDEA” where they're going, even after they turn up at a building with “Carnival Film Studio” written on the side.

“I was freaking out because it was just this massive room with a camera,” says Sophie, who has obviously forgotten that she already spends a fair bit of time sitting in a room with a camera.


Like this young lad.


Fortunately Dawson is there with the winner of Australia's Next Top Hobbit to explain the challenge - filming a TV commercial for Telstra.


Why couldn't they just use him in the commercial?


Samwise Gamgee explains the “plot” of the commercial, which coincidentally is about as complicated as the Lord of the Rings trilogy – four girls put on oversized tuxedos and synchronise their mobile phones to infiltrate and take over a “New York style party”, seemingly just to change the music selection, before disrobing and... fuck, I can't remember, I got lost at this point. I think it ends with Kelsey throwing the ring into Mordor.

Each girl is first put through a quick screentest in which they must stand in front of the camera and show some personality, before putting on and taking off a jacket. Admittedly, this sounds like a relatively easy task, until you consider it's the ANTM contestants doing it.

In a nutshell:

  • When Kelsey is asked what sets her apart from the other girls, she giggles like a three year old, ducks her head and says “I'm not sure!” So the answer is “a brain injury”, obviously.


  • Joanna puts on a giant suit jacket and does a passable impression of Quasimodo. Is this the look Telstra is going for? No. No it isn't.


  • Samwise asks Sophie if she's ever aspired to be an actor. “When I was little I always wanted to be on Blue Heelers,” she says. Yes, but did you ever aspire to be an ACTOR?


  • Dawson puts on her glasses, so you know she means business.



“SO SMART.”


Then they're all introduced to “William”, who is going to choreograph a dance scene for them.

“He's worked with some amazing people, like Kylie,” Samwise says.


“You know Kylie – Gazza's girlfriend. Oh sorry, did you think I meant... oh whoops! Never mind.”


William grabs Kelsey as his dance partner and immediately starts thrusting his pelvis at her, making Amanda jealous.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is the first female William has thrust his pelvis at in some time.


Samwise declares that Joanna and Kelsey look too much alike to be in the same commercial together, and are the same height. This raises several questions:

1. If Joanna and Kelsey are the same height, why has everyone been banging on about Kelsey being short but calling Joanna Christmas?

2.It's not Joanna and Kelsey that look the same, it's Amanda and Kelsey. Seriously, I CANNOT TELL THEM APART. The only time I know it's Amanda talking to camera and not Kelsey is because of that bloody leopard print top. I swear.



Seriously. Can you tell the difference?


Amanda, Brittney, Kelsey and someone else whose name probably ends in an “ee” sound get picked for the ad, while the others are sent back to Model HQ to scrub the floor or something. Sophie has a quick cry in the diary room but, ever the professional, still uses the opportunity to show off the amazing feat of structural engineering that is her hairdo.


Centuries from now, they will wonder how it was built.


The four chosen ones spend the next 10 hours in the living room “rehearsing” the “dance” that “William” has “choreographed” for them. Or, in other words, jumping around like uncoordinated dickheads.


Hey, at least Brittney's enjoying it.


This display which gets the desired reaction from the losers:


Kathryn is thrilled.



Joanne gives it the thumbs up!


Just checking – is anyone else totally bored with this episode? Good, OK, moving on.

The next morning all the modelettes are forced out of bed at 4am to go meet Samwise, who tells them the forces of Sauroman are moving quickly on the Shire and they have to hurry. And also that the three losers (or “leftovers” as he so touchingly puts it) will get to be extras in the commercial. Yay for them.

The leftovers are made to do their own makeup and hair while the others are primped and preened and have chickens stapled to their shoulders.


“Ha ha, you look ridiculous!” “Ha ha, I know!”



Commercial filming in a nutshell:

  • Six foot four Brittney is put in six inch tall fetish heels, and declared too tall. A phrase involving the words “no” and “shit” springs to mind.


  • They fix Brittney's height problem by removing her shoes. Sadly, it seems that's also where she was keeping her personality, which remains absent for the rest of the shoot.



Samwise's expression says it all.


  • Quentin Tarantino steps in as guest director for the final scene. Kelsey and Jess fight over who gets to be Mr Pink.



Funny, I don't remember the “chicken smuggling” scene in Reservoir Dogs.


Suddenly – Sarah Mail. This one goes on about “sorting the lions from the lambs” and “using your instinct”. A clever person might add these clues to the earlier suggestion that they'd be doing a shoot with animals, and infer that they might be doing a shoot with animals. But not Sophie.

“We all instantly thought of animals, but we still weren't sure,” she says.


SHARP.


They all head to the studio where they're greeted by Bros, in his latest cunning disguise as the lovechild of Kenickie and Billy Idol:


“It's a nice day for a wella wella wella HUH!”


It's a good effort, but his skills are nothing compared to Sophie, who pulls off a startlingly accurate impression of a sideshow clown just to show him up:


“Beat that, Bros.”


The editor of Cosmo magazine is also there to explain the shoot to the girls, which goes something like this: “There are seven of you girls to do shots for an eight page spread in Cosmo, but each of you will have to pose with two different accessories, and one of you will miss out, meaning that 23 of you will get a chance to star in 11 and a half pages of the magazine wearing 33.3 accessories each. Good luck.”


My thoughts exactly.


The fashion director explains that this shoot is meant to show off the “latest accessories for summer”, which apparently include S&M gear and crocodiles.


The perfect look for a summer barbecue!


And pigs.


That's its brother in her other hand.


In a nutshell:

  • Bros wraps a giant python around Sophie's neck. Despite her wooden personality it fails to confuse her for a tree, and sadly refuses to strangle her to death.


  • Sophie looks 120 per cent amazing, prompting this sparkling piece of dialogue between her and Bros which will no doubt be entered in some kind of TV screenplay awards:

    “You've really upped the ante.”
    “Well, it's a competition.”
    “It is. And you're in it.”
    “Definitely.”


  • Joanna poses with an owl and is asked to give a “wooden look”. Brittney rushes to the set crying “I CAN DO THAT!” but it turns out they just want Joanna to wear some wooden glasses...



...made out of balsa and superglue by her 12 year old brother.


  • Amanda is dressed in bondage gear and made to pose with a croco... hang on, wtf?



Are you TRYING to confuse me here?


  • “I had to work with a massive bird,” says Brittney.



Funnily enough, the parrot said the same thing to his buddies afterwards.


  • In what is a metaphor for the entire modelling industry, Brittney spends the whole shoot wobbling her head around and staring before being crapped on by Max the parrot.



Bros is not impressed.


  • Kathryn is mauled by a giant dalmation in her shoot and is criticised for looking “distracted”. Perhaps if they didn't want their models looking distracted, THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT A LARGE, RANDY DOG ON SET WITH THEM.


  • The whole day is summed up by Bros, who says “It was difficult – you had to work with an unpredictable creature that doesn't necessarily care that it's on a Cosmo shoot.” Of course he says “necessarily” because as everyone knows, pigs love Cosmo.


And with that, it's off to the elimination warehouse, where Max the parrot is chowing down on sunflower seeds to brew up an extra large deposit for tonight's loser.

Shall we picture bitch?

  • Amanda poses in her underwear with a pig, looks gorgeous. Also looks a bit like Kelsey.


  • Brittney looks totally vacant, but utterly gorgeous. Even with parrot crap down her back.


  • Sophie looks brilliant and.. oh for fuck's sake, they all look good this week. This is boring.


  • All the judges say approximately three words about each modelette, severely limiting the chances for comedy.


  • Blah blah blah, this episode sucks.


In the end it comes down to two – Kathryn the dog toy and Brittney the massive bird. Kathryn is deemed too fragile, but Brittney is told she's too young, and is sent packing. Next time act your shoe size Britt!

See you next week, kidlets..



11 comments :

  1. Genius.

    Now, serious question; is Sophie Ray Martin's love child? It's the only explanation I have for that hair...

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  2. I believe it was Jessica who said she wanted to be on Blue Heelers. In other news, I love everything you write about Bros. Cheers from purist/@katiemelb

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  3. Your blog is amazing. Thanks for writing this. I don't even need to watch it anymore and since Fox8 blocked Youtube from showing the epiodes I can't see it anyway.
    I love reading your blog and did even before the episodes were blocked.

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  4. @Kim: Go to RealityTVFan.org--the last two episodes are on zShare so you can download or watch them on the site.

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  5. Sophie's hair is starting to resemble Ben's from Big Brother:
    http://static.whatsontv.co.uk/images/gallery_thumbnail/big-bro-ben-evic-main.jpg

    Srsly?

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  6. petstarr- you were right about this episode being boring!
    Compared To Heidi kulm on GNTM, Sarah really doesn't have much involvement with the girls.

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  7. Awesome - as usual! I don't even care about watching the actual episode, as I can just picture it all through your hilarious re-cap :D

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  8. Lol - the 'massive bird' comment cracked me up! Love. It.

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  9. I only watch ANTM so I can read your re-cap. Much more entertaining! Thanks! Hahaha..

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  10. Jessica looks like gollum. Put her face next to a photo of gollum and the resemblance is uncanny!

    You're very funny.

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