Well this it, folks. The penultimate chop. The episode where three become two, and one becomes nothing more than the kind of person people pass in the street, semi recognise, and then wonder if they met once at Gazza's party three years ago.
This week kicks off with Amanda telling us how sad everyone is at Jess's departure last week, saying how she's “left a big hole” because “her presence was quite large”.
Alright, alright, you don't have to go on about it.
Sophie is particularly sad, as you can see:
Sophie's tribute to Jess's big hole.
The modelettes receive a text message that says something about schoolgirls and immediately start freaking out – which is coincidentally exactly what happened to the bloke down my street last week 15 minutes before the cops rocked up and arrested him. Not quite sure what that was about.
“I knew that something really hard was approaching,” Kelsey says.
As if on cue, something really hard does approach – it's Pezza, looking buffer and shinier than ever. He's used a bit of extra Mr Sheen this morning in preparation for his big announcement – the girls will be modelling KA-CHOOR tonight at some fashion event pretending to be a charity fundraiser. I'm not sure what it is, but “awareness” is involved.
All three girls construct a few sentences using the phrases “lift”, “game”, “up”, “it” and “step” before being thrown into some designer gowns that look no more like couture than anything else they've worn for every other challenge.
Because no one has mentioned how short Kelsey is for at least an episode, Bros reminds us by dressing her in a gown with a two metre long fringe on the hem designed specifically to trip her up. But then this happens:
Is Kelsey taller than Sophie here? And who the hell is that on the right?
Some representative from whatever charity this event is pretending to support gives the girls a pep talk that is clearly so boring it never actually made it past the editing suite, save for the line “Just remember what you're out there walking for tonight”.
Yep, they remember.
The next segment is made up of five minutes of footage of them all walking down a plank of wood in expensive frocks, which is rather pretty to look at but sadly for me, not very funny. Although Amanda does do a touching homage to fallen contestant Jess and her infamous Japanese photo shoot by dressing as a football emerging from the back end of a sheep:
You can imagine your own sound effect to go with this picture.
“They all looked like true models and gave the professional girls a run for their money,” says Pezza, demonstrating just how gruelling and difficult it is to be a decent model – it takes at LEAST 10 weeks of training, y'all.
Then Bros rocks up to tell the girls they'll all be doing a photo shoot for the cover of Harpers Bazaar, news which is received in the usual fashion:
You know what to do.
But underneath all the excitement and binge drinking it's an emotional moment – Bros's role as model mentor has come to an end, and he must leave the girls to fend for themselves. He waves his wand and climbs into a magic bubble to float away to the other side of the yellow brick road, where he is needed by other troubled little girls to tell them the difference between stone wash and acid wash.
“No don't leave us, you said you'd teach us the second verse of When Will I Be Famous!”
The next morning Amanda and Kelsey walk to Harpers Bazaar with their new bodyguard, Robocop:
Lucky they brought him as what greets them at the magazine's offices is a frightening sight – a talking Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
THIS IS THE DEVIL'S WORK!
As it turns out it's actually KLOWDIA of the odd accent.
“Walcom,” she says.
“Wurt the hal?” says Sophie.
“I downt wawnt to intimiday tchoo at owl, bot the cawvers at Harpers Bozorr or yooshly reserrfd for the maowst beeyotiful women in tha warld,” Klowdia says.
My thoughts exactly.
HB editor Edwina McCann explains the cover shoot has got to evoke cruisewear, which I hope means the girls will be stood next to a geriatric old man holding a shuffleboard and forced to wear matching tracksuits. Failing that, it would be amusing to see them wear these shoes, which appear to have been self-assembled from Ikea:
SNUGGE - $49.95 (allen key included)
But before the shoot comes the fitting. In a nutshell:
- Just in case you've forgotten that Kelsey's short, everyone makes a big point of how the clothes don't fit her. Again.
- “Can I just be honest for a minute? I sort of feel this is it for Kelsey,” says Sophie, who is obviously having an out of body experience and astral projecting herself into Alex Perry's brain. “EXPENSIVE!” she yells, before running off set to get her chest waxed.
- As it turns out Sophie is probably right, as the HB stylist admits she would “never” cast Kelsey in a fashion shoot, ever, ever, ever. Ever. Er, so, what about for a cover? Would a cover shoot be OK?
- Not to be outdone by the Ikea shoes, Amanda glues some Hot Wheels Transformers to her feet.
You should see the Optimus Prime ones – HOT.
- “Your eyes need to say 'come and buy me',” Edwina instructs Amanda. Petstarr's brain explodes with too many options for comedy.
- Sophie is praised for being “hungry”. The remnants of Petstarr's brain scattered about the floor vibrate with comedic possibilities but are unable to come up with anything better than “Hungry... she's thin... models... HAMBURGER!” Apologies.
Next thing we know it's the mother of all photo shoots – in a nutshell:
- Sadly Amanda couldn't make it at the last minute, so sent someone completely different to stand in for her:
Seriously, who the eff is that? AND WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH AMANDA'S EYEBROWS?
- Meanwhile, does this guy have the best job or what?
"So what'd you do today Wayno?” “Held up a piece of styrofoam behind a teenage girl for a few hours.” “Cool.”
- Amanda sticks on a yellow frock and... that's about it. Or, in the words of the Harpers stylist: “Amanda didn't really bring anything as far as facial expressions, as far as personality, as far as movement, there's not much personality behind her face and her movements and what she does, she doesn't actually do very much so it's hard, she's hard to shoot. She's not a good model.” So... she did OK then?
- Sophie ducks in to the shoot on her way to a fancy dress party, which she is attending as The Queen circa 1973:
"One has toytally noy idea what to expect.”
- Coincidentally, that's exactly the same party Amanda is heading to – she's going as Cousin Ruprecht from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels:
"OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA!"
- In case you were under any misapprehension that Sophie was doing a good job, the Harpers stylist steps in with some carefully chosen words to let you know you're wrong: “She doesn't know her angles, she doesn't really give much as far as movement goes – facially she's OK but other than that it was really hard.”
MAKE THIS WOMAN A JUDGE, IMMEDIATELY.
- The Harpers harpie continues to dish the diss, describing Amanda as a “plank of wood” and telling Sophie she looks like something from a men's magazine – fortunately Sophie interprets this as meaning that she is the “most bustiest” of the girls, so doesn't get offended
- Meanwhile, despite being knee high to an Oompa Loompa, Kelsey is praised as the second coming or, in the words of the Harpers harpie: “Great. Just... fucken... great.”
And with that, it's off to the elimination warehouse, where unwanted models are shackled, lobotomised and hired out as coffee girls to Harpers Bazaar stylists.
Let's picture bitch:
- Sophie stands in front of the judges, starts blubbering. “Why are you crying, Sophie? Is it because of what you've learned?” asks the Shiralee. Er... like what, Sarah? She's been on a modelling show, she hasn't been to 'Nam.
- Everyone is glowing about Sophie's photo except for the harpie, who says unconvincingly “I think it is something we would run .............. Definitely.” The pause is where she thought the words “over with the nearest heavy vehicle”.
- Amanda reveals why she's passionate about modelling – because she “tried school and tried sports” and wasn't any good at them. Tried working at McDonald's, Amanda?
Just in case you've forgotten whether Kelsey is short or tall, Pezza reminds you: “When they were giving out height, she was standing behind the door.”
Meanwhile, when they were giving out hair, Pezza was standing in the sunglasses queue.
- As for the photos: Sophie looked stiff but also the most bustiest, Kelsey looked short but also the most modelliest, and Amanda looked totally like a Harpers Bazaar covergirl, why are we even bothering to continue with this charade, clearly she's the best and has won the whole thing.
Finally, the big moment – Amanda is put through, giving her at least one more week of not having to attempt any school or sports, leaving Sophie the stiff and Kelsey the short to duke it out for the final place.
The nation holds its breath and grips the edge of its seat as millions of viewers, mouths agape, stop everything to hear the Shiralee read the final name. Even people not watching the show, including those who have never heard of it and didn't even know it was on, instinctively feel the collective vibe of anticipation sweeping the country and drop what they're doing to properly acknowledge this massive announcement. Dogs drop their bones, babies stop mid-cry and skinheads interrupt their regular Tuesday night bashing mid-kick to look to the sky, awaiting the puff of white smoke from the warehouse chimney to signify a second finalist has been chosen. Even Rob Oakeshott finally stops talking, realising he's been outdone in the “big announcement” stakes. And then – the answer:
“We couldn't decide, so youse are both through.”
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
So there you have it kids, after doing basically bugger all all season the judges have given up at the final hurdle and handed control of the Harpers Bazaar cover to we the people. Fantastic. Should be a doddle – after all, the Australian public always gets these sorts of things right, eh?
Except that time.
And that time.
And... hang on, who's that?
Join me next week as I blog the finale LIVE as it happens, for the first time ever! THAT MEANS I'LL BE CRACKING HILARIOUS JOKES WHILE YOU WATCH! IT'S GOING TO BE SOY AMAZING, I'VE TOYTALLY NOY IDEA WHAT TO EXPECT!
Except maybe this, after one too many "amazing"s.