This week kicks off with Kelsey saying how relieved she is to have survived last week's elimination. Then Amanda says seeing Joanna leave last week was like “a big wet fish to the face”. Or was that Amanda and then Kelsey? If only someone would say something about poo we'd know for sure.
Speaking of wet fish, it seems Joanna has left a lame joke behind in Amanda's bed – namely, a fish in a roasting pan. Hardly the same as stitching sardines into the curtains, but at least she gave it a shot.
“OHMYGOD – a fish in a dish! You'll totally have to just pull that out of your bed, throw it away and get on with your life!”
It's about as lame as it comes, not that that matters as all the modelettes jump and squeal like it's the wildest prank ever played.
However this, I think, is the correct response to this so-called “joke”.
Fortunately Amanda is on hand to explain the hilarious gag to us all, a story which isn't really worth retelling except that it ends with one of the best lines featured in ANTM so far this series:
“I'm going to hit you in the face with a fresh, flopping, wet cod.”
At least, I'm fairly sure she said “cod”.
After all this fish related fun, Sophie decides to call her mum to tell her she's made the top five, which almost certainly means she will be the one eliminated at the end of this episode. Sadly her mum is too busy being murdered to say much.
Sophie: “I made the top five.”
Sophie's mum: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”
Sophie: “They even called me out first.”
Sophie's mum: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!”
Suddenly – Sarah Mail. This one has a quote from Mark Twain about how public opinion is the only one that matters. TOO RIGHT. So why the hell are we putting up with Dawson, Pezza and those other chumps every week? PetStarr and Jo Blogs for ANTM judges, thanks very much.
“I hate having lots of people staring at me, so I was definitely worried,” says Jess, who has apparently forgotten that she is ON A NATIONAL TV SHOW in a competition to become A SUPERMODEL.
They're all bundled off to some advertisement hotel to meet Bros, who is busy receiving the “Not looking ridiculous for the first time this season – oh hang on, only just noticed the gloves” award.
He's off to steal some diamonds right after this.
He informs them of their next brutal challenge – walking the streets of Sydney. Sadly the modelettes won't actually have to make any money doing this, like other Sydney streetwalkers – that would have sorted the wheat from the chaff – but they will be watched in secret by “covert agents” Pezza and model Anneliese Seubert. This is a brilliant plan – who better to be an undercover agent than one of Australia's most recognisable celebrities and a 6 foot tall Amazonian beauty?
The girls are put into a giant tumble dryer with some blankets, a ripped up beach towel, a few scarves from Vinnies and some shredded Persian rugs and spun for 20 minutes before being sent out on the street to “model”.
High fashion = fashion that only makes sense when you're high.
Every person on the street NOT wearing a patchwork turban and lace sari is completely bewildered by this display, which does less to promote fashion than it does highlight how utterly ridiculous runway shows actually are. “See all these wonderful outfits? If you wear them in public, people will think you're a total nob! BUY THEM!”
Suddenly a sign flashes up on screen: “0.5 KM WALKED”. Clearly we're all supposed to be impressed by five girls walking 500m. And the thrills keep coming.
“Amanda, she's not good enough to comment on, not bad enough to notice,” says Soygurt, as millions of viewers around the country reach for their Foxtel guide to see what else is on.
Fortunately they walk down some stairs and Kathryn falls over, providing at least three seconds worth of entertainment. Then she gets the opportunity to change her shoes, so she does because the ones she's wearing really hurt, and thennnn asgud%^&$^&E#Gyiudwgw78qn. Sorry, I think I just fell asleep on my keyboard.
“Well, what an interesting lesson you've all had today,” says Bros back at the hotel.
“Yeah, we learned you're not the only one who can look like a dickhead around here.”
PS – Drink.
Pezza and Soygurt, otherwise known as OH MY GOD HOW HOT IS THAT WOMAN, turn up to give them all a lesson in how to walk which is about as interesting as watching five girls pace up and down a plank of wood. Although it does yield this pearler from Pezza:
“Week 8 of the competition - walks are meant to be perfect and they're not, and I think that's a modern day tragedy.”
THAT'S not a tragedy – bad walks are a tragedy.
He also tells them their next challenge will earn the winner “national exposure”.
They all go home and complain about how much their feet hurt, which is so exciting I almost black out from adrenalin, and then they pack off in the cavalcade to a studio where they apparently have heated toilet seats. Are you still with me? Don't worry, it won't be much longer.
Fortunately Bros has gotten over his brief foray into normal dressing and has had a stunning return to form with blue parachute pants and a stonewash stretch denim jacket he bought but never wore for the When Will I Be Famous video. (You can however see it in the Bros – Behind the Denim DVD)
"When will I get my picture in the paper?"
He introduces Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords' dad who tells the girls they'll be shooting an ad for new tampons which are “alluring, stylish and sophisticated”. I can't wait to see how they intend to demonstrate the allure of a sanitary hygeine product.
It's business time.
As it turns out, the best way to advertise something you stick up your clacker once a month when you're feeling crappy is with a photograph of a pretty girl hanging off a silver vine in the middle of space. Of course it is.
In a nutshell:
- Kelsey manages to look both alluring and confident, but not bloated, pissed off or suicidal, so only really nails half the brief.
- Jess looks “strained”, which is unusual as she is hanging off a vine thousands of kilometres off the face of the earth WHILE SHE HAS HER PERIOD.
- Sophie gets half a drag queen stapled to her head, refuses to take it off for the rest of the day
- Amanda complains about everything, and therefore is the best representation of “girl with period” out of the lot
“No seriously Sophie, take it off.”
Kelsey and Kathryn are determined to be too similar and so have to do a reshoot. Meanwhile, everyone continues to ignore the fact that IT'S KELSEY AND AMANDA THAT ARE SIMILAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THAT? Anyway Kelsey wins, meaning she gets a lifetime supply of tampons or something.
Because it's Kathryn's 21st birthday, or there's an “r” in the month or something, the modelettes all go out and get liquored at some place called The Rum Diaries, but because tonight's show has been cursed by the gods of dullness, nothing interesting whatsoever happens.
Dear ANTM producers: if you take five 20 year olds to a bar with the word “rum” in the name and don't get footage of them pashing each other, falling over or yelling at other patrons, you're not trying hard enough. Sincerely, me.
Next thing you know it's off to a photo shoot down at the wharf – I hope it will be an ad campaign for some sort of new fishing tackle or squid jig, or maybe a Greenpeace ad - they could dress Sophie as a fish and wrap her in nylon line to show the dangers of littering the ocean. Maybe we could just ask Harry Potter, who has randomly turned up on set.
Sadly it seems no one will be wrapped in nylon today – or at least, it will be very expensive nylon – as the girls will be modelling top international designers on a luxury yacht. Tough.
In a nutshell:
- Amanda wins the Bullshit Sickie of the Year award for getting “chronic seasickness” aboard a yacht that isn't moving. Sadly she avoids spewing on her $4000 Burberry dress.
- Photographer Georges Antoni predicts the shitty outcome of Amanda's photo by asking her to pose “like an S bend”
- What has happened to Kathryn? All of a sudden she's looking like... a contender? Girl is GORGEOUS. Although not according to Georges, who reckons she looks like an alien. Hmph. At least her name doesn't make her sound like two people.
- Georges says that Kelsey has “very little control over her facial expressions”. Later when she shows she has very little control over shouting the word “c***” it's revealed she may actually have Tourettes.
- Sophie is told she'll be wearing Armani, news which is received in the usual fashion:
GIRL, STOP DOING THAT THING WITH YOUR NECK, IT'S NOT PRETTY.
- “I think you've got to find the balance of being fennamun, but also with that strangth as wall,” says Sophie. Meanwhile, if anyone speaks Sophie's language, please email me a translation, thanks.
- Sophie throws on an Armani suit, slouches in a chair, looks EFFING AMAZING.
Oh Sophie, I want to dislike you but I can't, I JUST CAN'T. YOU'RE TOO FABULOUS.
And with that it's off to elimination warehouse, where used models are ground into a pulp, bleached, and made into alluring tampons.
Shall we picture bitch?
- Jess is photographed in a multi-thousand dollar designer dress and manages to look like a turtle coming out of its shell. Is this the look Bally is going for? No. No it isn't.
- Pezza labels Amanda “model landfill”, which is coincidentally what all the past eliminated contestants have been made into. But then he sees her photo and declares her “expensive to the extreme”. Soooo I'm guessing about $24.99 a kilo?
- Kathryn's picture makes Dawson exclaim “holy shit” - Amanda kicks herself for missing out on yet another chance to make a poo joke.
- Kelsey manages to look good hanging off a vine advertising tampons but not while standing on a luxury yacht in a designer dress. Hmm.
- The Shiralee praises Sophie for her lack of “Avon lady hair”.
Shame the Avon lady facial expressions are still there, though. PS: Drink.
And so it comes down to two – Kathryn the camel walker and Kelsey the one who looks like Amanda but isn't quite as good. And in the end it's Kathryn who is given a big fat model boot right up the date. Happy 21st birthday!
Sadly the judges just weren't convinced that Kathryn's catwalk skills were up to par, what with her walking like a camel and falling down stairs and such. But she sure shows them with a fabulous final strut out the door:
Oh for fuck's sake...
See you next week, kids!