Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: S6/E9

This week we enter what is known in the industry as the “pointy end” of the competition, with just four girls' torches left burning, all vying for the title of ULTIMATE SURVIVOR. Or master chef. Or something. One of them will win a prize, anyway.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, Amanda puts on a different top for the first time in seven weeks:


I kind of miss the leopard print.


Back at Model HQ and the Shiralee has turned up to tell the modelettes they're all going to Tokyo, news which causes them all to spontaneously self combust. Sophie is the most excited, perhaps unsurprisingly given this was her reaction BEFORE hearing the news:


DRINK. (Out of interest, has anyone had to go to the emergency room in the past month?)


Amanda is toytally excited too, and... oh.


Spoke too soon.


They all bundle off in the cavalcade to the airport, where we get to watch a 30 second advertisement for Japan Airlines, before all the modelettes get on the plane and start making a nuisance of themselves. Amanda reveals she can speak a bit of Japanese, which would normally be helpful except her skills seem to be limited to phrases like “your outfit looks hideous” and “she pisses me off”, so she'll probably have to restrict herself to talking to or about Sophie.

And then they're in Tokyo – you can tell because there's plinky plonky music and lots of shots of Asian people in facemasks. Suddenly the modelettes are descended upon by a pack of camera-toting crazies, who are falling over themselves to photograph them despite having never seen any of them before in their lives. The girls flatter themselves by assuming it's because they're all high flying supermodels; no one has the heart to tell them it's a busload of students from Nagana Special School for the Brain Sick on their monthly excursion.


“Ah, most honourable tall lady, greetings to Japan! You have my medication?”


On the road to the city centre the girls take in all the wonders of Japan, like... lights. Red ones, all over the road!


AMAZING.


They all say “OY MOY GOURD” about three dozen times, and then... oh hang on


DRINK.


OK so then they... oh, wait on


DRINK.


So then they all... OH FOR GOD'S SAKE.


DRINK.


After the excitement of seeing so many car tail lights in one place, the girls are hardly prepared for their next thrill – walking across the street.

“There are literally MILLIONS of people all around you, they say 100,000 people cross through here every hour,” says Amanda, while simultaneously signing her application form for the Australian Maths Geniuses Association.

Meanwhile, Kelsey is just happy to be in a country where she doesn't have to stand on tip toes to reach the pedestrian crossing button.

In their hotel room and it's Sarah Mail time, which... oh christ.


DRINK.


Fortunately Amanda is on hand to read the tricky non-English parts of the message and explain that they'll be going to “your outfit looks hideous” first thing in the morning. They spend the entire night doing boat races with sake and snorting wasabi and roll straight on to the photo challenge at the crack of dawn at a studio which lies, as Amanda puts it, “down a Japanese style street”.


Funny about that, them being in Japan and all. On another note, good to see the leopard top made it overseas.


They find themselves in a garden next to a stream, where it quickly becomes apparent they've all accidentally eaten acid with their breakfast cereal.

“This man kind of appeared on this rock and started speaking Japanese,” says Kelsey.


I have to admit, that is fairly trippy.


“I couldn't understand A WORD he was saying,” Kelsey continues, as if that's a stunning revelation.


YOU DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE, YOU FUCKWIT.


“I'll be your photographer for today,” says the photographer in Japanese.

“Your outfit looks hideous,” replies Amanda.


As it turns out, that phrase will come in quite handy for this photo shoot.


In the words of Toby the photographer, “OK, let's shooting!”

  • In a stroke of pure genius, the ANTM producers have hired the worst interpreter in Japan to make sure the shoot goes as badly as possible. Thus the photographer's instruction to Kelsey “Make your feet and the clothes look good” magically transforms into “You're doing great!”


  • Sophie is instructed to “Look into the future” - she does, sees Charlotte Dawson, screams and runs off set


  • Toby asks Jess what she ate for breakfast before the shoot. She says “Japanese food”. A tumbleweed rolls past, silently.


  • Amanda is told to “look like a flower”. She finds this completely weird, seemingly forgetting that just a few weeks ago Alannah Hill asked her to look like “a sexy pink cupcake”. Which is weirder?


Back at the hotel and the girls are delivered a Sarah Mail – not by text message this time, but BY DVD! Those Japanese are SO technologically advanced, aren't they? Amazing.

Anyway, via the brain-bending magic of moving pictures on a screen, the Shiralee tells them they'll be filming a fashion segment for Kawaii TV, otherwise known as “one of those crazy Japanese TV shows where people dress up in crazy shit and weird shit happens”.


Surely, at some point, they will accept surprises as a given. Surely.


“Did anyone notice that whole thing was in Japanese?” says Jess after watching the clip of a Japanese TV show. JESS, LOOK AROUND. YOU ARE IN JAPAN.

They all pack off to a TV studio where the Japanese version of Minnie Mouse tells them they'll be teamed up with a helper and spend the whole day shopping in a SUPER HAPPY FUN RAINBOW KAWAII FASHION CHALLENGE!


“Please to meet very honourable clothes hangers from Australia!”


Jessica is assigned the theme of “school girl fashion” and is given an actual primary school child to help her shop:


Well there's a confidence booster.


Amanda is told to dress in Japanese style fashion, which should be a doddle for her as she can already identify Japanese style streets and tell people their outfits are hideous, Kelsey is assigned “Lolita fashion” and Sophie is told to dress like a fairy. And just when you thought things couldn't get more confusing:


You? Or me? Who's on first?


In a nutshell:

  • Amanda is driven mad by her helper who only ever says “Kawaii”. If only she'd comment on the hideousness of Amanda's outfit or how she pisses her off, they might be able to get a real conversation going.


  • Jess puts on a schoolgirl outfit but is declared “too genius” to pull it off. Clearly they forgot to specify “special school”.


  • Kelsey and her helper head to a shop filled with creepy pink, frilly baby doll dresses run by something from my nightmares




Before you die you see the CREEPY GIRL IN A LITTLE BO PEEP WIG.


  • Kelsey's helper sticks her in a frilly pink dress and has to make a tough decision about whether to stick a matching baby bonnet on her head, or fluffy white rabbit ears. “I'm so glad she chose the rabbit ears, because if I had towear that bonnet I would have felt like a bit of a fool,” Kelsey says.



Yeah, lucky about that.


  • Meanwhile, Sophie is obviously playing a fairy who has been attacked by blood sucking plush toys, and Jess's transformation into Harry Potter is finally complete:



PS: Drink. I know no one has their mouth agape, but this picture makes a lot more sense if you're drunk.


  • Despite looking like a Kings Cross drag queen, Amanda is voted the best dresser AND BRINGS GREAT HONOUR UPON HER MOST VENERABLE HELPER.



“To lose would bring shame on my family.”


Back at the hotel, and Jezza “Pecs” Smith has turned up, seemingly because his Jetstar flight to Bali got rerouted at the last minute.


“Jeez I'm crankin for a Bintang.”


Everyone is surprised, particularly Sophie who exclaims “WURT THE HAL?!” Again, if anyone speaks Sophie's language, please leave a translation in the comments, thanks.

He packs them off to a high fashion photo shoot in the busy Shibuya district – in a nutshell:

  • Sophie sticks her finger in a light socket and throws a dead poodle round her neck, looks like Cruella D'Evil in a cheap remake of 101 Dalmations:



“YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO.”


  • Not to be outdone, Kelsey bobby pins a birds nest to her head and starts eating a cocker spaniel in her shoot:



Nom nom nom.


  • Staying with the theme, Jess does a passable impression of something emerging from the back end of a sheep:



What a dag.


  • Amanda's shoot is so boring Jez decides to photograph a piece of laminex instead



“Hold it, hold iiiiit – oh wait, I am holding it.”


Faced with one last night in Tokyo the girls decide to do what any young, hip, fancy free chicks would do – go to a park to look at bamboo trees. For real. OK so there's some festival on in which you make a wish and pin it to a tree and it comes true or something, whatever – they should still be slamming sakes at a karaoke bar. (For the record, one of them wishes for “the health of my family and friends” - yeah yeah, we know what you would have written if the cameras weren't on)

“When I was putting my wish on the tree I was looking around at all the wishes and I was just thinking 'oh my god, everyone has SO many wishes' and I felt a sense of 'woah',” says Sophie.


Seriously, the Kawaii TV crew made more sense than this girl.


Back in Oztraya the girls head to the elimination warehouse, where losers are dressed in frilly pink dresses and bunny ears and sold to Japanese schoolgirls as Tamagotchis.

This week the modelettes have decided to dress in Harajuku-inspired outfits, a plan which would have been quite amusing had the head of Elite models New York, Doll Wright, not stepped in for a meet and greet.


“No really, Australia isn't a fashion backwater, we have our own fashion week and everyth... Ms Wright? Where are you going, Ms Wright?”


Shall we picture bitch?

  • Jess is praised for looking like a different girl in her photo, which must make her confidence levels soar


  • Miss New York tells Amanda her face is “predictable”, while Dawson declares her “a bloated baby swathed in fur”. There's not much you can say to that.


  • Dawson declares Kelsey an “SSS” - “Sexy, sultry, shortarse”. NOT IN JAPAN, SHE'S NOT.


  • Everyone praises Sophie right up the ying yang, describing her as “extraordinarily beautiful” and “New York standard”, which rather removes any drama surrounding whether she'll be in the bottom two tonight. Hint: She won't be.



Got it in the bag, baby.


In the end it comes down to two – Jess the oversized special school girl and Amanda the bloated baby, but it's Jess who gets the boot. Clearly she left it too late in the competition to look like a completely different girl.

Join me next week, kids, when we sashay from the pointy end of the competition to the really quite sharp indeed end – the final three!

In the interests of looking like a total arse when I get it completely wrong, I'm going to predict a final two of Sophie and Amanda, with Sophie FTW. YOU GO, AVON LADY LESBIAN BASKETBALLER OF MY DREAMS!



11 comments :

  1. A dag? A DAG?? BWAHAHAHAHA! You are hilarious. Love your work. - from purist/@katiemelb

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  2. Final three, Amanda, Sophie and Kelsey.

    Now you people who were cross with me do you understand, I really didn't let the cat out of the bag at all.

    I say it again, Sophie is not going to win. It's obvious who will win and it's not going to be Sophie.

    Thanks for another fabulous blog post!!

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  3. Oh Petstarr, how I love waking up on Wednesday mornings to read your delighful blog.

    The festival the girls went to on their first night was the Tanabata (star) festival. It has a cute story:
    Once upon a time, there was a weaver princess named Orihime and a cow herder prince named Hikoboshi living in the heavens. After they got together, they were playing all the time and forgot about their jobs. The king was angry at them and separated them on opposite sides of the Amanogawa River (Milky Way). The king allowed them to meet only once a year on the seventh day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar. Tanabata literally means the night of the seventh, and it's also known as the star festival. It's believed that Orihime and Hikoboshi can't see each other if the day is rainy, so people pray for good weather and also make wishes for themselves.

    I haven't seen the episode yet as I live in japan, so I can only comment from reading your lovely description, and having seen the pics online.

    Harajuku fashion is hideous and overhyped by idiots like Avril Lavigne. It's a mish mash of clothes that appeafr to have been pu toghether by visually impaired people.

    The whole Lolita thing is creepy as. Those girls have no idea how hideous they look. I suppose when you're in a country where cosplay(costume play) is popular, what can you expect. They also have French maid cafes in the geek town called Akiharbara...

    Regarding Amanda's guide who kept irritating the shit out of her by parroting "kawaii" every two seconds. Got to tell you, that has got to be the most overused word here. It drives me mad. When I go shopping you invariably get packs of high school girls uttering kawaii, kawaii at every object within visual and tactile range. It makes me think that their vocab must be pretty limited...

    Loved your comment about Jess looking like a dag; nearly spat out my chai. Her helper could've helped her find a cute sailor schoolgirl uniform. The one they chose was kinda bland.

    I never noticed how often she wore that horrible leopard print singlet until now. Maybe she didn't expect to stay in the comp so long and didn't pack many clothes.

    Go Amanda.

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  4. Hello Miss Lolita Kitty! This was the funniest episode yet - luv it when they pack 'em off to Japan - and funniest recap. I kinda anticipate some of your comments they're just so damn crying out to be picked up and ridiculed - but you always come up with something hilarious and original - the dag gets the prize this week!

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  5. After watching the episode I think Sophie deserves to win but I don't think she will but wow hasn't she grown!

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  6. I don't think Sophie will win but I hate the idea of Misses-Goodie-Two-Shoes-Kelsey-and-Amanda winning, or being the final 2. Kelsey is way too short and not that interesting looking and Amanda is just annoying Miss Perfect.

    Yes I agree that it should be Sophie FTW, so you go Blonde Avon Lady.

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  7. Kelsey won't win. Amanda is going to win, that's been obvious at least that's how I see it (and I could be wrong!) Sophie will make final two and then she will get a lot of work modelling anyway.

    OMG at the way Jess behaved in Japan so sulky with the Japanese photographer but maybe they just edited it to look that way.

    What will I do for my blog fix when the next top models are over??

    Please do some posts about X-Factor next!!

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  8. OMG best recap ever! How do you get wee off an office chair?

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  9. Apparently Sophie is only 1cm taller then Kelsey...but we only ever hear about Kelsey being a midget.

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  10. Sophie is 3cm taller - Kelsey is actually only 5'7".

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