Soyyyy I've got my Alex Pezza frock on, my extra shiny sunglasses surgically attached to my head, and my glass of Mo-eee in hand... I am SOY ready for the Australia's Next Top Model Finale. GAME ON, MOLLS!
1. Whenever anyone says "amazing" - DRINK. I don't care what, just do it.
2. If anyone gets a nose bleed - DRINK.
3. Whenever anyone says "expensive" - DRINK. Double points if someone other than Pezza says it.
4. Whenever anyone says "OH MOY GOURD" - DRINK.
5. Stay on this page and hit refresh on your browser every 60 seconds or so (or F5 on your keyboard, if you want to be really techy) - you'll see an update from me on this very blog post as soon as something funny happens.
This will be you by the end of the show.
The fun starts 7pm ACST... STAY TUNED!
7.00pm: So apparently it's been 77 days since the start of this competition. Seventy seven effing days. What have I been wasting my time on?
7.01: Oh goody, let's remember all the losers who weren't good enough to make it. Remember that one with the hair? And the other one with that jacket? Yeah, good times.
7.02: EXPENSIVE!!! DRINK!!
7.03: Forgot to add one more rule to the drinking game - if Amanda makes a reference to poo, DRINK A PINT OF WHATEVER YOU HAVE.
7.03: AMAZING! DRINK!!
7.04: Rather sad to be seeing these opening credits for the last time. God, they were hideous.
7.06: GO SOPHIE! DO IT FOR 90s LESBIAN BASKETBALLERS EVERYWHERE!
7.07: Pezza, Jezza and Dawson in a dance routine? Oh... lord... IS THAT THEM DANCING?
7.07: No, it's... BROS? Is it?? And all the girls you've since forgotten. Ashlea, ffs?
7.08: Kimberlry looks like a delicious cross between Jessica Rabbit and Christina Hendricx... KIMBERLY FTW!
7.09: This whole dance sequence is very odd... I feel like I've tuned into Fashion TV at 3am to see the Peruvian Winter Collections...
7.11: Who ARE those girls? I recognise a few of them, but I swear they've just picked up some random girls from the Westfield car park to even out the numbers.
7.11: The SHiralee looks absolutely AMAZING (drink), but I can't help but feel black was rather a safe choice. No Australian flag mu-muu?
7.12: SOMEONE GET THE SHIRALEE A DRINK! She's been eating Alex Perry gowns backstage.
7.13: EXPENSIVE! DRINK!! And the SHiralee said it, so make it a double.
7.13: EXPENSIVE!! DRINK!!! (Time to go back to the bottle o yet?)
7.14: And tonight the role of Charlotte will be played by Botulinim Toxin...
7.15: Alex Perry keeps saying "hard". This is disturbing me. Maybe he's just referring to Jezza's pecs.
7.17: Report just in from the studio mole:
Sarah's earrings are jingling - they've had to change them. In other news, the light reflected off Alex Perry's head has already ruined one camera lens tonight. Foxtel will be up for THOUSANDS from this.
7.20: So how's everyone going out there? Amazing? Don't be shy, send me a comment...
7.21: And here's Amanda, dressed in a colourful throw from Ikea.
7.22: Dawson says Amanda is stiff. Pezza says she's hard. I think we should all take a cold shower. IN SEPARATE CUBICLES.
7.23: OK OK, so Amanda is beautiful. BUT WHAT OF THE PIG?
7.24: So I'm beginning to think Amanda will win. It'll be a sad day for shortarses and lesbian basketballers everywhere.
7.25: "You started out with a bang" says the Shiralee. So THAT'S how she got on the show...
7.25: A commenter just asked me who my pick is. I have to say Amanda was my pick from week one, but Sophie has steadily become a favourite... Although Amanda does have that wonderful propensity for poo jokes, which is an important characteristic in a model... Tough one.
7.27: "She had a rollercoaster ride? THEY SAID I WASN'T ALLOWED ON," shrieks Kimberly from the back lot at Luna Park.
7.28: AMAZING. DRINK!!
7.28: AND AGAIN. Thanks, Amanda's parents.
7.28: AND AGAIN. Thanks, Shiralee.
7.29: Time for an Amanda poo reference medley. I'd like to think I had something to do with that.
7.30: "It wasn't my job to judge them," says Bros. "I just did, because it was fun. At home, behind their backs. With a glass of red wine."
7.31: JOKE FROM THE SIDELINES: Dawson: "It's not an easy thing to completely change your facial features..." Not cheap either, hey Dawson?? Thanks, anonymous!
7.31: And here's Sophie, wearing a nifty vest she constructed out of a backpack she bought at Oxfam in 1993.
7.32: Yes Sarah, that photo shows Sophie can do other looks - particularly "Bananarama".
7.34: EXPENSIVE! DRINK!!
7.35: I seriously hope they do a montage of Sophie's ridiculous stretched smile... oh please, oh please...
7.36: Sophie helpfully points out to the geographically challenged that Tokyo is "in Japan". Not sure where "Malbourne" is though.
7.37: Don't adjust your sets, people - that swishing noise is just the sound of the Botox steadily streaming out of Dawson's face.
7.39: According to ANTM, the difference between Paris Hilton and a model is a haircut. Also models know the difference between the cocaine in their handbag and chewing gum, because they ate the chewing gum for lunch.
7.40: News just in from the studio mole!
"The girl sitting next to me is playing with a Rubkis Cube. That's how bored she is."
CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT, PEOPLE? INTERVIEWS AND MONTAGES!!
7.44: Sooo. Anyone out there pissed yet?
7.45: And here's Bros, who has stopped into the studio on his way to a fancy dress party as Max Headroom.
7.46: "I'm ready to work my glove," says Kelsey. Coincidentally, this was exactly the same thing the police officer said to Paris Hilton when she arrested her for cocaine possession.
7.47: In answer to the commenter asking for the identity of my studio mole - no, it's not Alex Perry!
7.48: And now welcome the Tony Bartuccio dancers in their performance entitled "Friday Night at Josh Flinn's House".
7.49: Dressing Kelsey in an oversize jacket and sticking a pom pom on her head does not, surprisingly, elongate her body.
7.50: One foot wrong and the models will accidentally tumble into those holes full of semi naked men... "LEMME THROUGH!" shrieks Josh as he dives for the catwalk.
7.50: AMAZING! DRINK! (The Shiralee has been the worst offender tonight, I think she's trying to get us all pissed. Saint Sarah INDEED.)
7.51: So they've forced Kelsey to run off stage from a catwalk parade, throw on another outfit and AMAZING! DRINK! Cripes. Forget what I was saying now...
7.52: AMAZING! DRINK!
7.53: Anyone else think the show's got it in for Kelsey? They were full of nothing but praise for Sophie and Amanda, but suddenly it's "looks like a cover of a romance novel" and "shocking". Plus they've forced her to run out and do a breathless interview... oh wel, that's what you get when you're short.
7.55: "I'd eat my sunglasses if she made it as a top model," saysm Pezza about Kelsey. Promise? VOTE FOR KELSEY, EVERYONE!! And DRINK. Just because.
7.56: Gosh it's just so INTERESTING watching the three finalists talk about AMAZING - DRINK what it was like to be on the show, and what their favourite photo shoot was, and what the biggest challenge was...
Anyone got a Rubiks Cube?
7.59: Time for an update from the studio mole!
"Ricki Lee looks bored." Rubik's Cube?
8pm: Have they even TRIED to make Kelsey look good tonight? She looks like she's just stepped off the school bus.
8.01: In the most pointless segment since that interview with Kelsey, Matt Shirvington hits the streets of Delhi to ask locals who should win Australia's Next Top Model. Meanwhile , just outside the studio door, Vijay Singh is asking teenagers at Luna Park who should be voted Mayor at the local Gurgaon elections.
8.04: Brrring! It's the studio mole!
"Amanda's mum says old friends of hers have popped up and asked her out now that she's famous." In other news, old friends of Kimberly's now pretend not to know her when they see her in the street.
8.05: Am beginning to see the flaw in this whole liveblogging plan... namely, toilet breaks.
8.07: In an AMAZING (drink) coincidence, each judge has opted to support a different finalist! OH MOY GOURD!
8.08: JOKE FROM THE SIDELINES: Liked Kelsey's touching tribute to 9/11. Least that's what I assume those two big white towers on her feet were. Cheers, Anonymous!
8.09: I think someone said "amazing" just then, so you'd better drink. And if you could stop the room from spinning too, that'd be great. Thanks.
8.10: KIMBERLY LOOKS FREAKING HOT, OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL.
8.11: I actually can't get over how drab Kelsey looks tonight. I'd vote for that Rubiks Cube over her right now.
8.12: Poor Kathryn, being attacked by that hair crimper on the way into the studio like that.
8.13: Good to see Jessica win the $5000. That should tide her over until the next Tim Burton role comes up.
8.13: Pezza has taken pity on Kathryn, donating her $2000 worth of clothing from his stores. Which she will be able to wear to... the shops. And her friend's house. And Westfield Muffin Break, where she works.
8.14: OH MOY GOURD, IT'S AN OH MOY GOURD MEDLEY! You have to drink so much right now, it's just.. I mean... seriously, take that vodka bottle and just smash it over your head.
8.15: OK, I really have to take a toilet break now. It's going to be extra AMAZING and maybe even a little EXPENSIVE (but that's only because there's this homeless guy in there who demands money every time I go in... I wish he'd leave)
8.20: I'm back - just in time for an update from the studio mole:
"KLAWDIA!" - oh god, there hasn't been nearly enough dodgy accents on tonight's show. Unless you count Sophie's. Wurt the hal?
8.21: Bros has gone all out with his look tonight, shaving that zebra for his collar and stuffing his shoulders with its intestines and all.
8.22: Despite looking like Sophie's slightly less attractive sister, Bros votes for Amanda.
8.24: "We're talking top models, Klawdia," says Sarah. "Just like on that show Burke's Backyard, they talk about back yards. It's simple like that."
8.25: Does Klawdia actually work at Harpers Bazaar, or do they just trot her out at parties as a marketing instrument?
8.26: Studio mole update -
"Girl with Rubkis Cube just did the BIGGEST yawn." Whoever you are, girl, you are my new hero.
8.27: JOKE FROM THE SIDELINES: I'm really loving Bros at the moment, it takes a real man to be able to make Ita Buttrose's 80's businesswoman wardrobe somehow seem contempo-cool. Cheers, anonymous!
8.27: "Is that photo screaming high fashion to you guys?" asks the Shiralee to the audience, 85 per cent of which is made up of 13 year old girls on school holidays and their mums. GOOD IDEA, ASK THEM.
8.28: What the hell is Kelsey wearing in that cover shot? Does ANYONE remember that outfit from the cover shoot???
8.29: I don't rate Amanda's cover shot at all. Sophie's looks amazing. Drink.
8.30: YES DAWSON, YOU'RE RIGHT! Amanda's cover is "dead". SHA-ZAM, LADY! CHARLOTTE FTW.
8.32: If Bros doesn't sing "When Will I Be Famous" some time in the next 15 minutes, I'll vote him off the show. YOu can do that with the Foxtel remote, can't you?
8.33: Clearly the producers have spent all their money on Dawson's Botox appointment, as they've been forced to kidnap an orphan busker from Wynyard station and make him sing on stage Poor little mite.
8.34: And here's... whoever she is, dressed as the clasp on Dawson's necklace. Lovely.
8.35: Cheer up Kelsey, you haven't lost yet. And you're not THAT short.
8.36: Even Kesley's dress is HORRID. It's like they're deliberately trying to make her look bad tonight. Sophie and Amanda look a million bucks; Kelsey looks like a cheap night in the Cross. Have they just made her the underdog? PS: EXPENSIVE. DRINK.
8.37: OH MOY GOURD, THIS IS THE LAST ADBREAK BEFORE THEY ANNOUNCE THE WINNER. WHO WILL IT BE? Studio mole?
"Get ready for another floor show - there are ballerinas in the wings!" One of them better be Bros, in a stone wash denim tutu.
8.40: Soo... you come here often?
8.41: Let's cast the Bland Canyon vote - who will win? COMMENT HARD!!
8.42: "Vote for me and I'll do you proud Ostraya!" - yeah Amanda, I'd believe you if you didn't have lipstick on your teeth.
8.43: Meanwhile, the two losing contestants will be installed on the Foxtel studios roof after the close of tonight's show, with their oversized earrings acting as antennas for the Discovery channel.
8.44: Petstarr wonders if she's the only one who knows all the lyrics to the AUSNTM "emotional guitar music"... "She knowwwws what she waaaaants..." No? Just me? Ok.
8.45: "Sheeeee sees no beauty woo-ooo-oaahhhhh...."
8.45: Hang on, 8.45? Isn't this shit supposed to be over now?
8.46: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST SAY WHO'S WON. THERE'S ONLY THREE OF THEM LEFT.
8.46: OH. MOY. GOURD. SOPHIE NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8.47: IS YOU FOR REAL, INTERNETS?
8.48: That leaves Amanda and Kelsey. If Amanda wins, I expect a shower of crap to rain from the ceiling in lieu of confetti as a tribute.
8.49: Am very sad Sophie has been kicked out. Avon ladies everywhere are crying into their wrinkle cream.
8.51: OK, COME ON NOW. FINISH PLEASE. HAVE THINGS TO DO.
8.53: "The tension in the air right now is electric," says Sarah. "Because Kelsey's earrings keep getting caught in the overhead lighting cables."
8.53: Good to see Cheyenne Tozzi has been playing my drinking game tonight.
8.55: Is Amanda crying already?
8.56: Kelsey looks like she's off to her high school formal with her big sister Amanda as chaperone.
8.56: And the winner is...
8.57: ... Kelsey.
8.57: OMG THE CROWD IS SO EXCITED, JUST LOOK AT THOSE TWO RANDOM PEOPLE HUGGING!!
8.58: "I just want to thank all the girls for keeping me on my toes," says Kelsey. "Otherwise I wouldn't have been tall enough to do any of the photo shoots!"
8.58: OH MY FUCKING GOD. SHE READ THE WRONG NAME OUT.
8.59: WHAT THE FUCK. SARAH READ THE WRONG NAME OUT. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.
9pm: MOST. AMAZING. FINALE. EVER. DRINK.
9.02: OK. I'm going to get to drunk now and toast Kelsey. I mean Amanda. I mean... LIVE TELEVISION.
9.03: And the last word goes to commenter Dale, who says: The Titanic just resurfaced and said "excuse me?" Because, this was a bigger disaster, see.
9.14: For those of you still confused - Amanda won! Her special prize is to have one of the live ANTM producers sacked!