Monday, December 13, 2010

If you don't like Two and a Half Men, you're a lesbian

I wrote the below column for the Sunday Mail TV Guide a few weeks ago, and in doing so learned a very important lesson:

Don't piss off Two and a Half Men fans.

I received about 30 emails in response to the column from readers who accused me of lacking a sense of humour and basically being a joyless old biddy who probably has no friends - all obvious conclusions to draw about someone who doesn't like a sitcom starring Charlie Sheen.

They were also adamant about two other things - that if I didn't like the brand of dull, misogynistic humour employed by Two and a Half Men I must be either

A) A lesbian, or

B) Unmarried

"...that prevent them from enjoying the comedy stylings of Chuck Lorre!"

Technically being in a state of A prevents B anyway, but I don't expect TAAHM fans to be capable of social algebra.

I'm actually not a lesbian, which is probably why I wasn't aware that the show was off limits to gay people. Is the wider homosexual community aware of this? Channel 9 should really screen a warning notice before every episode, to give any gay people who are accidentally tuned in a chance to change channels, lest the Homosexual TV Police come over and arrest them.

At any rate, here's my column:


Ever since Charlie Sheen had an “allergic reaction to medication” at The Plaza hotel in New York, US ratings for his show Two and a Half Men have gone through the roof.

Perhaps this is due to allergy sufferers across America rallying to support their new hero in his time of need. I'd like to think it's because 70 per cent of America has also suffered an allergic reaction to medication, which would explain why so many of them seem to think Two and a Half Men is entertaining.

It seems nothing can harm this curiously unfunny sitcom, which has ranked in America's top 20 shows every year since it started in 2003 and which has won five Emmys.

But you can't just blame it on dumb Americans – the show is so popular here it's on about 100 times a week. I'm not actually joking about this – by the time you read this on Sunday morning, Two and a Half Men will have screened 93 times across various Australian channels. On Tuesday alone it was on 19 times. NINETEEN TIMES. By my maths that's 47 and a half men per day.

Do some more quick maths and you'll discover Two and a Half Men is on for approximately NINE AND A HALF HOURS A DAY. That's 66 hours - or two and a half full days – every week. Do we REALLY need this much Charlie Sheen in our lives?

Looking at the show's ratings, it seems we do. People seem to genuinely LIKE this crap. This perplexes me, as I find Two and a Half Men about as funny as being stabbed repeatedly in the face with a bread knife.

For those fortunate enough to have avoided this televisual abomination for the last seven years (firstly, congratulations) the show revolves around a bachelor called Charlie whose hedonistic life is thrown into turmoil when his uptight brother Alan comes to stay with his young son Jake. I know it's hard to believe such a mind-blowingly original comedic concept could fail, and yet it does.

The script reads like it's been written by a software program, with characters shallower than a wading pool and jokes more obvious than Shaquille O'Neal at a midget convention.

Most of the jokes are also boringly misogynist – a chief part of the comedy revolves around “ladies man” Charlie having lots of one night stands with plastic-looking women with large boobs and small clothes. We're supposed to believe he is irresistable to women, despite the fact that he is a “jingle writer” who wears the same daggy shirt and shorts combo every day.

I've tried to like Two and a Half Men. I really have. Last Monday I taped three episodes and forced myself to watch them in the interests of writing a fair and balanced column about why I completely and utterly hate it with every fibre of my being. I didn't laugh once. (Actually I did have one giggle, but that was at that BankWest ad with the Asian sunflower talking about George Clooney, so it doesn't count.)

I know I'll get hate mail about this but I don't care - 66 hours a week of ANYTHING is too much, let alone 66 hours of bad jokes about boobs and belching. We have days for everything else – world wetlands day, salt awareness day, wound awareness day. Why not a No Men Day, when all the TV channels agree not to screen any Charlie Sheen related material for 24 hours? They could fill the scheduling gap with more entertaining material, like Parliamentary Question Time or footage of paint drying.

It's time for Two and a Half Men to go. And if you're one of the millions who apparently like it, can't you just spare us all and buy the DVDs? By my maths there's at least 9000 hours for you to watch.


  1. take out the canned laughter and then see if the show is funny - my answer is not funny

  2. Locker room humour + canned laughter = lowest common denominator TV

    Altho I confess (am proud) to only watching 10mins of it

  3. I hate TAAHM and always did. Not so much the Sheen, but the other guy. He is the guy, who when he is the last guy at dancing classes, you'd rather die than have to touch. He would smell. If he was an animal, he would be a duck and not in a cute way.

  4. Totally agree.
    It's so stupid and pointless. The best thing about the show is the theme song and even that's crap. :P

    Modern Family and How I Met Your Mother are heaps better. And Friends. Oh, how I love Friends. ;)

  5. This was actually the best television series review I had ever read, to the point where my friend and I were taking quotes from it while discussing how good the review was on facebook.

    The bread knife jab was our favourite.

  6. OMG I am so glad to know I'm not alone! Like you, I thought initially that it was just dumb Americans who watch it until one of my supposedly sane friends said she liked it. It's beyond me how such utter drivel from a misogynist f***pig such as Charlie Sheen can continue to flourish. More power to you, BC (and your girlfriend!!)

  7. This is quite honestly one of the best, most honest reviews of TAAHM I've seen. I don't understand what the millions of people who watch it find funny about it. Worst show ever.

  8. I clicked on the link to this post pretty much just because of the awesome title.

    But I stayed because of the awesome post.

    I wholeheartedly dislike this show and my boyfriend won't even leave the television on if it's showing!

    Great post, couldn't have said it better myself lol

  9. Thank goodness, I thought I was the only one who didn't and doesn't like it AT ALL! I simply cannot understand the attraction. Kate