Monday, August 08, 2011

Australia's Next Top Model Recap: Season 7, Episode 1

I know I said I wasn't going to do it. I know said I wasn't going to give up hours of my Monday night, slaving away on the laptop writing stupid jokes about scrawny, pale bogans punching walls and saying "moll" a lot. I know I said I was too busy and going overseas in four weeks anyway so what's the point.

But then I thought "You'll disappoint those three fans you have".

So here we go again.

The 2011 season opens with a quick rundown of all the people you've completely forgotten internationally famous Australian supermodels who have won the last six series. Impressively, Sarah Murdoch gets Amanda's name right.


I'm feeling sick about this...


We're told this year there are 100 contestants...



Yes, that's how I feel about that too.

who will be put through a three day bootcamp full of "the toughest challenges ever in the competition". I hope they're being serious, and that for three days the modelettes will be forced to crawl through mud and climb up rope ladders and punch the crap out of Collette Dinnigan-shaped bags. But I think what they actually mean is - the girls will be made to pose in front of cameras and walk up and down a it in nice clothes for three days.

Anyway apparently they're going to whittle 100 down to 20, which means there are 80 PEOPLE ON TONIGHT'S EPISODE I DON'T CARE ABOUT.

Except for this girl, who is obviously the lovechild of one of the elves from Lord of the Rings and Liberace:


I think I might care about her a bit.

And this one, who has obviously gotten the Top Model casting call confused with the remake of Robert Palmer's Simply Irresistable video casting call:


There's no telling where the money went. Obviously not on her hair, though.

Then the judges say hi - Identity Dawson, who clearly didn't have time to buy a new frock for the premiere and so has wrapped herself in her bedsheet instead, "everyone's favourite fashion photographer" Jez Smith (Hey wait, he's not my favourite, my favourite is... um... it's...) and Squinty Pezza, looking fabulous as usual in a brand new spray-on suit.

The modelettes are then all lined up in a row and made to face the wall, while Sarah "The Shiralee" Murdoch loads a machine gun and... no, sorry, that didn't happen. I must have dreamed that. Damn.

What actually happens is they're all made to do a runway parade in their bathers, something which prompts squeals of disbelief from all of them.

"I'm a bit nervous about swimsuits, because I don't really like my body as much as I should," says one.

GOOD THING YOU ENTERED A NATIONALLY TELEVISED MODELLING COMPETITION THEN, YOU WON'T EVER HAVE TO SHOW YOUR BODY AND NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU ON A WEEKLY BASIS AT ALL.

As ever, Dawson is on hand to give some handy tips to the girls.

"You should probably tone your makeup down a bit," she says.


I'll just let that sink in.

Faceless girls walking along a plank in bikinis challenge in a nutshell:


  • One girl whinges Alex Perry has "eyes that stare at you". Everyone is totally surprised at this, as Pezza hasn't actually managed to open his eyes fully since 1986.


  • A girl with a black eye from being "elbowed in the face during basketball" says she's just going to "roll with the punches". But not with the elbowings, obviously.


  • Cassy, 17, impresses everyone by announcing "I'm an indishenussstrayan. I'm an indishnuss person. I'm aboriginal," before going on to say she'd like to work in retail - "Supre or Gucci and that". Supre OR Gucci, whichever comes up.


  • All of a sudden, Catweazle stumbles onto the set and starts crying


    Oh CATWEAZLE, you're a crafty one!


  • Then an World Vision ad comes on appealing for money to help starving people in Somalia and I... oh, hang on....


    I donated anyway.


  • Then we meet Amy, who is clearly the lovechild of former Top Model contestants Madison and Jordan:


    MODEL MATHS IS NEVER WRONG.


  • "I was born under a tree," says one girl. That is all.

Some girls get chosen, some get kicked out, and everyone else in the world goes on with their lives. Except me, who is sticking this shit out until the bitter end.


It was a pity they couldn't find a spot for Rebekah Brooks, however. The woman needs a new job after all.

Day 2, and they're all being woken up at 5am to continue with this so-called "boot camp". The only boots on display seem to be knee high stiletto ones so far, but hopefully that will change as they go into their next "toughest challenge ever" - A PHOTO SHOOT.


As long as they're better than the invisible models the photographers are already shooting, they'll be fine.

Totally boring photo shoot challenge in a nutshell:

  • Madeleine is going to win. There, I've called it. Episode one.

    Hello, winner!


  • Pezza declares one girl "Gucci" while Dawson calls her "Clearasil". Everyone gets a gold star for witty repartee.


  • Neo is going to win. There, I've called it. Episode one.

    Now all someone needs to do is convince her to take the red pill and follow Morpheus down the rabbit hole.

A few more girls get kicked out, a few more get sunshine blown up their skirts, and I try to work out why I'm ruining my social life once again by blogging this damn show for hours every Monday.

And then we move on to their next Herculean challenge - WALKING IN A STRAIGHT LINE.

How nervous are our models?

"I'm feeling like a big plate of jelly not knowing what to expect," says one.


LOLJELLY.

Time for a musical interlude - how about some BROS?


The Adventures of Bros - vol 1 out now!

Yes, it's our old pal Josh "No, I'm not the fourth member of Bros" Flinn, on hand to "mentor" the girls before their big feat of walking in a straight line. And by mentor I mean flounce about in a white coat with an oversized collar and puncutate sentences with "babe".


Jeez Bros, couldn't you get the coat with the BIG collar?

Walking in a straight line challenge in a nutshell:

  • All the models are thrown into Alex Perry gowns to make the physical challenge of walking forward even MORE difficult. None of them gets sunglasses stapled to their head, however.


  • A girl called Montana rather aptly walks like a mountain goat, another called Charlotte walks like she has polio, and one called Cassy demonstrates her special ability to make thousand dollar Alex Perry dresses look like they came from the bargain basement at Harris Scarfe.


  • No one falls over. Bugger.

"It's so tense, you can cut the tension with a knife backstage," says the girl with pink hair, who is still wondering when Robert Palmer is going to turn up.

Some more girls get kicked out, some more are allowed to stay, and I look longingly down the hall at my bedroom and wonder when I can go there.

Then the Shiralee announces all the girls are off to "the fashion capital of the world". Because this is Australia's Next Top Model, we all know she means either the Gold Coast, Mildura or Westfield Marion.

But no, it seems Foxtel has actually thrown some money at this year's series because not only are they able to play samples of both Katy Perry AND Lady Gaga to herald this exciting news, but the news is actually exciting - they're all going to Paris. The ACTUAL fashion capital of the world.

Well I'll be. Nice one, Foxtel. Don't go ruining my fun with production values now, will you?

Tune in next week when I ruin my Monday again by spending all night making jokes involving baguettes, berets and bicycles and comparing girls to the Eiffel Tower for four hours.

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GO ON AND READ: Episode 2















23 comments :

  1. Yay! Thanks for the recap - hilarious as always. I for one appreciate the hours you spend doing these. Bring on next week. - Katie (@katiemelb on Twitter; purist on TWoP)

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  2. Cartoon Josh = suddenly caffeinated nostrils.

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  3. I f*cking love these recaps - have read them since the 'top mong' spot you did for season 2... keep 'em coming, you've got a fourth fan here, not just three!

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  4. you are bloody hilarious. i like these recaps better than the show

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  5. Ditto to Ariana. The show is okay but side by side with these recaps it's totally awesome.

    As an Aussie o/s, without access tot he show until much much later, I for one am mucho appreciative that you do this!

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  6. The only reason to watch Top Model is to keep up with the hilarity of this blog

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  7. PetStar time!!! Yayyyy! The best of AusNTM being back!

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  8. No going away for you, the only reason I watch is to read your recaps...

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  9. Thank you so much petstarr, bless. I wouldn't have kept watching the show for the past four years if it weren't for your utterly hilarious recaps. Keep em coming!

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  10. Please keep giving up your social life for these recaps - I love them. I had a minor panic when I checked and the first sentence was you saying you weren't going to do them anymore and was very relieved that you are!

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  11. Love your recaps! Best part of top model! Thanks for the laughs and effort!

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  12. Charlotte DawsonAugust 10, 2011 6:57 am

    Give it up Petra ... your social life that is .... an epic first re-cap LOVES IT! x

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  13. Love it! can't wait for next weeks re-cap.

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  14. Regarding Cassy...you can take the bogan out of Bonnyrigg but you cant take the Bonnyrigg out of the bogan.

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  15. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU
    Your recaps are better than the show

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  16. First time I have ever seen your blog and it is hilarious - so love it, keep up the great recaps, this will now be my fave part of ANTM this year. I must admit I do love Sarah "The Shiralee" and yes agree Madeline will definitly win!

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  17. yay happy to see you're recapping. Definitely appreciate the effort!

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  18. The only thing missing from this stunning recap is a .Gif of some sort. But i forgive you for that because you yet again referred to Sarah as the Shiralee, my favourite nickname of ALL TIME.

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  19. The best recap yet! Love it

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  20. Yay, Pet is back! I missed the first episode but really, who needs it with this witty and hilarious recap. I'm about to go and watch the second with your comments ringing in my ears and my eyes skinned for the poor love who was trying to decide between Supre and Gucci. (Or did she say Gucki???)

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  21. Love it, so glad you decided to continue to delight!

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  22. I LOVE YOU. And THIS. And YOU. Please marry my brother and have his babies. We'd be related! And you guys are suited because he also has no social life! Beautiful.

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