Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Australia's Next Top Model Recap: Season 7, Episode 5

This week's recap starts with an apology, by me, for being so tardy. I mean, it's not like I've moved over the other side of the world and am in a totally different time zone and can't watch Australian TV anymore or anything. I'm truly sorry that this is two weeks late. (Not least because it's 11.30pm and I'd rather be in bed and I'm only doing this now because I've had an attack of the guilts.)

But anyway, here it is - episode 5, in which models, hair and pants all go flying out the window and someone arms Dawson with a pair of scissors. Scary.

So episode 5 gets off to a thrilling start with all the modelettes sitting around in the living room staring at each other. Oh, and there's some rain. That's literally all that is happening in their world at this moment. Elsewhere, dictators are falling, cities are burning and rare animals are becoming extinct - but here at Model HQ it's all two minute noodles and reverse cycle air conditioning. Luckily there's a Sarah Mail to inject some excitement into the proceedings.

As usual it's cruelly cryptic, giving no hint as to what the modelettes will be doing in their next challenge - with Sarah only saying they'll need to reach the "dizzying heights" of becoming a model. WHAT COULD SHE MEAN?

Perhaps a spot of rock climbing?

Or maybe this... Giraffes are tall, right?

Or maybe they'll just get dizzyingly high?

Cue the surprise of absolutely no one when they turn up at the Sydney Trapeze School. (Although, there is a certain amount of surprise that this place even exists at all...)

Dawson leaps off a trapeze to accost them as they all walk in the door, shrieking "THIS WEEK IS ALL ABOUT TRUST!" - funny, has Ford released a new model so soon after the Focus? Don't tell me I have to buy another one now. Sigh.

"I think trust and letting go are really important in the modelling industry," says Jess.

The "letting go" part not so much in trapezing. Try "hanging on".

Before you know it they're all wearing harnesses and nervous smiles like first timers at Madame De Sade's annual Whips 'n' Things Dungeon Party, and swinging from the roof like last year's Chrissy decs that uncle Kev hung up too high to take down. And all of this under some sort of pretence of building up "trust". Touche, producers.

Sadly, it's completely boring save for the five seconds during which Liz launches herself from the platform, legs splayed froglike, shouting "I DESERVE THIS!" in something that looks like a seriously flawed outtake from an old L'Oreal commercial.

"It was really touching, what Liz did up there today," says Jess. I assume she's referring to this moment:


And also when Rachel triumphantly shrieks "I AM NOT A PUSHOVER!", to the rapturous applause of all below:

"What did she say about apple turnovers?"

Dawson concludes the Cirque du So Lame by announcing that tomorrow is - DA DA DUM!!! MAKEOVER DAY! - so all the modelettes go home to celebrate what is likely to be their last day of long hair... by dancing to Willow Smith.

"Uh, sure Neo... you can join in..."

Next thing you know they're all at Joh "Don't ask me for the home viewer" Bailey's salon for their hair makeovers - although looking at them all, is it really necessary?

Who needs a hair makeover?

Shut up and dye makeover in a nutshell:

  • Izzy is ecstatic to hear that her hair will be converted from hot pink to "cool white". I am ecstatic to know that the likelihood of this occurring without incident is virtually nil, and of Izzy looking like an extra from The Golden Girls very high.

  • "I'm soy excited to still have blonde hair," blahs Simon(e). Other things Simon(e) is excited about - oxygen, dirt and sandwiches.

  • No one can work out what to do with Neo's hair, so they just paint her head.

    So low maintenance!

  • Madeline gets an "expensive" new hairdo. But then it realises it's sitting on top of Madeline, and promptly transforms itself into a $12 supercut.

    Perms are back, haven't you heard?

  • You know when people refer to a hairpiece as a "rug"? Well, Izzy's new do isn't a hairpiece, but does definitely look like an old persian rug stapled to her head.

    FABULOUS - and hard wearing!

  • And a gold star for anyone who can spot the difference in these pictures

    Are they wearing different socks, maybe?

Enough of this frivolity, it's time for a farken photo shoot - so off they trot to meet Bros who is obviously in mourning over the recent loss of his shirt collar:

"How can I live without you?"

He informs them they'll all be doing a shoot for News Limited Sunday newspapers - sadly not as the page three girl, but in the fashion liftout.

Fortunately the editor is there to explain the intricacies of what is clearly a complex shoot to the modelettes: unlike every other shoot they've ever done, they need to look strong and confident, but also feminine and dreamy. INNOVATIVE.

"Strong, confident, feminine - I can look like a used tampon if you like?"

While Izzy does her best feminine hygiene impression to win favour from the judges, Caroline opts for a more foolproof method - sucking up:

What, me? I'm just reading. I LOVE to read like, books. And stuff. Is this the right way round?

Soft, strong and two-ply feminine hygiene shoot in a nutshell:

  • Bros criticises Neo for "relying on her natural beauty". In a modelling competition. Obviously she should be relying on her stunning wit... er, her superior intelligence... um... her hair?

    Oh, that's right. Shit.

  • "We decided to do quite a close crop on Alissandra for two reasons," says Bros.

    And you can see them both here, straining to get out of this hideous fashion abortion of a dress.

  • The photographer describes Monotona as "dynamic". Everyone wonders if the definition of "dynamic" has changed to mean "of or being like wallpaper".

  • "I didn't know if I could pull off my new hair just yet," blahs Madeline.

    Although it certainly looks as though she's tried - with both hands.

  • And Simon(e) is so excited about her new hairdo she forgets to put on pants

    "Should we tell her?" "Nah."

After the least exciting photo shoot in history in which absolutely NO ONE goes near a trapeze (can you spell "wasted opportunity"?), it's off to the elimination warehouse, where overweight models are turned into luggage pieces for Alex Perry's new travel collection.

Let's picture bitch, shall we?

  • Izzy declares her new hairdo is "really growing on me", and immediately wins the Miss Obvious 2011 title.

  • Yolanda looks a million times amazing, but also about 42. Swings and roundabouts.

  • Alissandra's close up facial shot does a brilliant job of not selling any clothes whatsoever which, given what she was made to wear, is probably a good thing.

  • And it seems Simon(e) wasn't the only one to forget pants at the shoot, with Rachel looking truly weird in the trouser department:

    I know she's religious, but surely she has SOME genitalia?

  • Everyone struggles to find different ways to praise Alissandra's head, except for Pezza who shrieks "SHE'S A LARD ARSE, GET HER OUT OF MY SIGHT, AEEEOOOO!!!!" and runs away flapping his hands.

  • "Is Paris ready for the Newtown waitress look? Is that IN? Have I missed that MEMO?" snarls Pezza about Izzy, earning season seven's QUOTE OF THE SERIES award! Can he top it next week?

  • Pezza describes Neo as a "one trick pony". Her trick, of course, is being black.

  • A bunch of girls get picked to be in the Sunday magazine, including Izzy. So obviously the Newtown waitress look is in in Sydney.

  • Meanwhile, Olive Oyl waits for Popeye to rescue her:

    Wrong studio, pet.

And with that, it's down to three - bucktooth, suitcase and the hairless pony. All so different and yet with so much in common... well, one thing in common anyway - Alex Perry hates them all. Neo the pony is given one last reprieve, and it's goodbye to Annalise the toothy and Alissandra the plump. Oh how they'll be missed...

"I wasn't sad to see Alissandra go, I didn't really like her at all," says Simon(e).

"ME NEITHER," shrieks Pezza as he throws a stack of Weight Watchers pamphlets in self defence.

See you next time, kids.


GO BACK A WEEK AND READ episode 4 ... OR GO ON AND READ episode 6


  1. "AEEEOOOO!!!!"

    OK you got a LOL from that one ;)

  2. I keep expecting Madeline to wonder in asking the girls 'Has anyone seen my TRESemme?'. What does she do to her poor hair?

  3. Brilliant recap, as always. And welcome to NYC!

    PS: For good coffee, come to Brooklyn. We take coffee seriously here.

  4. Hahahaha...oh you make my week much brighter!! Best read! Thanks.

  5. So glad you're still recapping! Funniest shit ever.