Friday, September 16, 2011

Australia's Next Top Model Recap: Season 7, Episode 6

This week's episode begins in a manner that calls the words "pot", "kettle" and "black" to mind in no particular order, as Simon(e) declares she never liked recent departee Alissandra because "She was always saying stupid dumb things".

This from the girl who claimed she couldn't do a "futuristic" runway walk because "we're not in the future yet".

Can you see the kitchenware dancing in the background?

Simon(e) goes on to bemoan the loss of a one kilo tin of Milo that Alissandra apparently took with her as a parting gift.

"I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE MILO WITH YOU WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ELIMINATED FOR BEING FAT," she blahs, as everyone else around the breakfast table immediately pretends to be very interested in the back of a cereal box.


Oh GOOD, well as long as she's not fat in REAL LIFE, only on a nationally televised reality TV show that places unnatural focus on women's bodies, that's fine.

By the way, Neo doesn't like Simon(e). I'm just mentioning this now, as I'm sure it probably won't come up at any other point during the rest of the program.

DING! Either that's the sound of Simon(e)'s brain operating system starting up for the day or... yes, it's another Sarah Mail, and again it's so cryptically written (boxing on the beach) everyone is left guessing (boxing on the beach) as to what they'll be doing (boxing on the beach).

"Life's a beach, but sometimes you've got to roll with the punches," reads Simon(e), a sentence which coincidentally won the Non Sequitur of the Year Award for 2011. Congrats, Fox8!

Next thing you know, they're all doing some - SURPRISE! - boxing on Bondi beach. They're all dressed appropriately for the occasion, especially Izzy who has come as a Japanese schoolgirl tourist.

Happy to do most honourable boxing, super rainbow style!

Because she clearly has nothing else to do at the moment, Dawson is dragged back on set to introduce some guy called Luke who is a "celebrity trainer". I'm not sure if that means he trains celebrities or he IS a celebrity. I've never heard of him so probably the latter.

Whoever he is he's clearly decided this five minutes on a low budget cable TV show could be the kickstart he needs to make it on TV (hey, it worked for Bondi Vet, right?), so he gives it all he's got. Sadly, this results in him looking like this for most of his appearance:

"I've got a great idea for a TV show, it'd be called 'Bondi Trainer' and it'd be all about me... guys? Hey wait, guys? Where'd you go?"

Luke barks at them all to form three lines of four and I go away and make a cup of tea while the modelettes attempt the advanced mathematics required to achieve this outcome. I wish I was joking about that, but I'm not. I'm guessing it took them about six minutes.

Thank god Alissandra wasn't there, it would have taken her at LEAST seven minutes.

They all do some exercise to whatever musical abortion Snoop Dogg is putting his name to these days and Rachel, aka Keira Knightley, proves to be the worst of the bunch when she can't complete one sit up. Yes, one.

So, just as pissweak as Keira then.

"Can't most people do one? Isn't it like getting off the couch?" scoffs Caroline, in what might be the most intelligent thing she's said in six episodes.

They're all paired up for some challenge in which they have to run along the beach and pick up buckets - which sounds like my new year's eve in Thailand in 2003 - and in a completely shocking surprise, Neo is paired with Simon(e). In a further shocking surprise, Neo the 6 foot tall Sudanese Australian wins the running race.

Except for some reason, the modelettes ARE actually surprised about this.

Under the buckets the modelettes find a range of fun items such as coal, rubber gloves, scrubbing brushes and a teabag - obviously Dawson's having another one of THOSE parties again and they're all invited!

All is to be explained at the photo shoot so off they pop, "with all the inanimate objects", explains Caroline.

Even this one.

At the photo studio they discover they're going to have to create a 30 second commercial promoting whatever crazy item they've been given. Can't wait to see what Izzy does with the rubber gloves.

Dawson stops by to judge the challenge on the way to Pezza's costume party, for which she has dressed up as Brain from Thunderbirds.

The theme for the party is "What you wish the contestants on Australia's Next Top Model had one of".

Dawson announces the winner of the challenge will get an Alex Perry gown (on loan) and be "lavished with millions of dollars worth of Cartier jewellery" (for 90 seconds).

"Madeline and I had kitchen scrubbers; we didn't really know what to do," says Keira Knightley, revealing a somewhat sheltered upbringing.

"This is the first challenge ever where we've actually had to THINK," blurts Hazel, as Caroline tries to think of a way to sell coal.

Zoolander could do it.

"What does anyone actually USE coal for anymore?" scoffs Caroline.

So clearly THIS whole thing passed Caroline by, then.

Still they do better than Simon(e) and Neo, whose grand idea to market an empty plastic bottle is to rap about water.

30 second commercial challenge in a nutshell:

  • Amelia and Liz, selling teabags, do a great impression of two party girls who've stumbled home drunk and stoned at 6am and have to act sober in front of their parents at breakfast.

    "Oh my GOD Mrs Johnson this tea is the BESSSST. Do you have any chips?"

  • Izzy forgets her lines while attempting to sell rubber gloves, an incident to which Dawson has a wildly overstated reaction.


  • Completely clueless as to what kitchen scrubbers are actually used for (hint, it's in the name), Keira Knightley brings her 79-year-old nanna along to explain:


  • Caroline and Hazel confuse "coal" (carbon substance formed from compressed ancient plant material used to power electricity grids) with "kohl" (eyeliner), and yet still manage to put together a more convincing ad than any the federal government has done lately.

Rachel and Madeline win, as do Caroline and Hazel, who also score a contract with Greg Combet, they all get dressed up and Cartier-ed and piss off to a celebrity A-list party. As it turns out, they're not guests at this amazing party but unpaid jewellery models at the opening of Cartier's new Sydney store, where they'll be standing around looking pretty and probably not allowed to eat or drink anything. GREAT PRIZE!


Girls - it's just. A shop.

Next thing you know everyone's at some historic house for a photo shoot, and who should appear but...


Bros busts out a few bars of the new When Will I Be Famous 2011 remix to help iTunes sales, and then informs the modelettes they'll be doing a shoot for Blackmores vitamins. They all promptly lose their minds, because vitamin advertisements have launched the careers of so many international fashion models like... um... er... anyway, it's a good opportunity.

"It's a really big privilege to even be considered to be the face of Blackmores," gushes Hazel. Well, I guess it saves some poor overworked designer searching Getty Images for "happy + healthy + smiling + woman".

Vitamodelvegamin shoot in a nutshell:

  • The American photographer seems to have come direct from either a) happy hour or b) a taping of Ricki Lake as every direction she gives is punctuated with a "WOOO! YESSSS GIRRRRL! GO GIRRRRL!"

  • "Don't pose -what if you were at a club, what would you be doing?" the photographer asks Neo. "Um, dancing?" she replies, to rapturous approval from everyone. And then resumes posing. IT'S NOT A FUCKING QUIZ NIGHT, NEO - DANCE.

  • Suddenly a South American pipe band turns up on set to serenade the modelettes with their mountain ditties, how thoughtful of the producers to organise that... oh, wait...

    It's just that woman from Harpers.

  • Izzy decides to wow Claudia from Harpers by getting her hair specially done at JBF Hair Salon:


  • Caroline turns a vitamin advertisement into the centre spread for FHM

    So full of... health.

The day concludes with Simon(e) showing off her best Alex Perry impersonation which she plans to debut on Australia's Got Talent as soon as she gets booted out of the competition.

Funny how "Alex Perry" and "just smelled a fart" can be so similar...

Then it's off to the elimination warehouse, where oversized models are grated to a pulp, mixed with Milo and served to VIP guests at Alex Perry's fashion events.

It's an extra exciting elimination tonight because the girls are all en route to yet another costume party. Madeline's going as Miss Hausfrau 1943, Izzy as the pop-up ballerina from a jewellery box and Amelia as a dyke on a bike from the 1987 Sydney Mardi Gras.

Simon(e) was obviously not invited, as she looks normal.

Dawson appears to be going with them too, as she's dressed up as SS officer Inge Von Heimlichmanoeuvre:

She has vays of making you invite her to parties.

And in an extra surprise, the lovechild of Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Aniston is their special guest judge!


Let's picture bitch:

  • Dawson gets a little TOO much into her Nazi character by praising Jess for looking like she's been "eating baby puppies".

  • Neo nails the Blackmores brief by looking like an alien that's just stepped out of a lake that someone has Photoshopped a shirt onto.

    Nailed it.

  • Izzy's crazy tutu dress is so scary, even her photo tries to get as far away from it as possible:


  • Pezza describes Izzy's photo so well, I can't make any jokes to better it so I'll just quote him instead: "It looks like you fell asleep in the park, woke up and someone was dragging you by the feet across the grass." He then follows this up with "How tragic that you were upstaged by a lawn," both of which earn him the SEASON 7 QUOTE OF THE SERIES AWARD for the second week running! Well played, Mr Perry, well played.

  • Caroline has REALLY taken to coal since that advertisement she did:

    "I've finally discovered a use for this stuff!"

  • Sjpennifer says Yolanda "can't do natural". "I don't do natural either," says Dawson, except no one can hear her through her makeup.

  • "You have to believe that you are absolutely naturally beautiful," says the Shiralee to Yolanda as she hands her a pass to the next round, completely voiding everything that was just said 30 seconds previously. CONSISTENCY, YEAH!

  • Monotona looks completely amazing and is rightfully picked to be the new face of Blackmores vitamins. Because what better way to sell vitamins to tired, overworked 35+ women than by using a 17-year-old girl who doesn't even know how to spell vitamins?

Izzy gets through despite only having her eyebrows actually make the shot and, as always, we're left with two duds - Neo the alien shirt stealer and Caroline the coal miner's daughter.

In a shocking turn of events BOTH modelettes are kicked out the door - or if you're the Shiralee it's just one, "Neocaroline".

Neocaroline strides out into the abyss beyond the warehouse doors, never to return. Except maybe Neo, when you see her doing actual modelling somewhere and making squillions of dollars. Or winning the 100m at the Olympics, whichever comes first.

See you next week, kidlets.


GO BACK AND READ episode 5 ... GO FORTH AND READ episode 7


  1. Brilliantly funny, as usual, petstarr. And like all great comedy it can stand alone. I realised some time ago that I didn't have to waste an hour watching the actual show (16 minutes stretched into 60), I got far more enjoyment out of your recaps and witty captions.

  2. Please to god, make Simone go home next week. This girl needs a reality check.

  3. Holy crap, that was REALLY FUNNY I DIED.

  4. Awesome! And I agree, if Neo wants it she could be the biggest by far, she is ridonkulously beautiful.

  5. Amazing so so so amazing ANTM needs to pay you! You are on par with four four!