A bit of deja vu to kick off episode seven, as Simon(e) declares she's happy Neo got booted off last week because she never really liked her anyway. Cluey viewers will recall Simon(e) said the same thing about Alissandra last week. So basically watch out if Simon(e) doesn't like you, your days in the model mansion are probably numbered.
Yet another thing she has in common with Alex Perry.
Suddenly Simon(e) breaks out of her Alex Perry impression long enough to do an impression of someone even more annoying and announce the arrival of a Sarah Mail.
"EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"
As usual this prompts another round of modelettes explaining how they have "no clue" what they're about to do in their next challenge. Why do they keep telling us this? NOTE TO MODELS: IT'S OK, WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE PSYCHIC, YOU DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN HOW YOU CAN'T PREDICT FUTURE EVENTS.
"I never thought I'd get this far into the competition, I only packed my bag for five days!" laughs Liz, as everyone takes one step away from her towards the air freshener.
The Shiralee reveals, via a high-tech video message that probably blew the show's entire budget for this episode, that the modelettes are all off to reconnect with nature on... Kangaroo Island!
So yep, they did blow the budget on that phone message.
At least, I think that's what she said. Judging by the girls' reaction, she may have actually told them that Alexander Skarsgard was on his way to the house to strip down to his undies and spoon feed them all rice pudding.
This reaction is far more commensurate to that news.
Still, it's nice to see people getting excited about going to South Australia. Even if it's because they think they're actually going to Queensland.
They all trundle off to the airport, where TV news crews have turned up to film passengers in chaos as a result of the Chilean volcanic ash cloud (remember that?).
"I was glad they weren't there to film us, because I wasn't looking my best," says Hazel, seemingly forgetting that SHE IS ALREADY BEING FILMED, BY THE SAME CREW THAT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING HER AROUND FOR WEEKS ON END.
After sitting at the airport for a few hours staring at each other they realise they aren't going to be able to get on a plane and so leave.
"Attention passengers, this is the most pointless ANTM segment ever. I repeat, the most pointless segment ever."
So Dawson bundles them into their promotional obligations and they zoom off to Sydney Dance Company to rudely interrupt a man having a facial.
"Oh for christ's sake, what is it now? My mud's barely dried."
As it turns out it's not a hydrating mask, nor is it "flour" despite what Madeline thinks (well, they don't have much else to do for fun in Launceston you know), but indigenous tribal markings, and all part of a performance the ANTM producers cooked up half an hour ago when they realised the flight to Adelaide was cancelled.
Mud mask man jumps around for a bit and Dawson says something about "mother nature" and "connecting" in attempt to make it look like all of this lamery was totally planned. Whatever she is being paid, it's not enough.
"Now we don't expect you guys to dance," Dawson tells the modelettes.
"Attention passengers, THIS is the most pointless ANTM segment ever. I repeat..."
What she does expect, though, is for them each to stand in front of the group and pretend to be Australian native flora and fauna.
Lamest ANTM challenge ever, including the time they all dressed up as barnyard animals for a fake Italian Vogue shoot, in a nutshell:
- Hazel is told to act like a eucalyptus tree. Everyone wonders how on earth she will suppress her gigantic personality long enough to play a plant.
"Maybe if I push it INSIDE my brain like this..."
- Simon(e) is told to evoke "the ocean", and for the first time ever finds it difficult to be wet and drippy.
"What? I'm wearing blue, aren't I?"
- "The ocean? How am I supposed to do that? I couldn't like, make myself 10 times bigger," slags Simon(e), displaying both a lack of understanding of carbohydrates and a startling lack of spatial reasoning.
"The ocean is really big. It's at least as big as this room."
- Still she does better than Rachel, who evokes "sunshine" by sitting cross legged on the floor and putting one arm in the air.
- It's about this time that I look around for my TV Week magazine to light up the promotional ANTM crack pipe that came stuck to the cover. I knew there was a reason this segment wasn't making sense.
- Yolanda attempts "lightning", actually achieves "crazy person on bus":
This could be a Gucci campaign.
- Liz attempts "lava", actually achieves "discount carpet":
Only $19 a square metre!
- Montana is told to be "a volcano". You know, the reason we're all here at Sydney Dance Company doing this lame-arse challenge instead of flying to Kangaroo Island right now.
Yes, exactly like that.
In keeping with this being the lamest challenge ever, no one wins anything, and the next thing you know we're back at the airport for part two of what has so far been a veritable rollercoaster of an episode.
"Being back at the airport again felt like groundhog day," sighs Amelia.
IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE WATCHING IT, THEN.
Things get even more exciting when Bros turns up, puts them into groups (I know, try to contain yourselves) and hands out some mobile phones with special photos and keywords on them. Because obviously it's much more convenient to load a picture onto a mobile phone and hand that out then to just say, print it out.
I am momentarily interested when Monatana says her group's keyword is "C", and I assume they're each going to have to portray a different swear word in their upcoming photo shoot. I hope Simon(e) gets "F" and Izzy "&*%!".
But it turns out she actually said "sea". Lucky she has Simon(e) on her team.
"It's OK guys, I've totally got this."
"Coming up to Kangaroo Island reminded me of sailing around the Greek Islands with my family," blahs 18-year-old Amelia, as everyone else around Australia yells "AHHH SHADDUP!"
Amelia, your keyword is STFU.
In other news, SA Tourism has launched a new multi-million dollar advertising campaign:
KANGAROO ISLAND: Like Greece, but with more kangaroos.
Each of the "air", "land" and "sea" groups is taken to a different destination on the island in what seems to be an attempt to murder them in various ways. The "air" group is dumped on a bench in the middle of an open field at a bird of prey sanctuary before being sprayed with "scent of possum":
"Can you guys hear that distant whooshing of giant wings? I wonder what that is."
The "land" group taken to the top of a giant sand dune, strapped to highly polished boards and pushed down, while the "sea" group is sent off to point and laugh at seals which, as anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of early 90s pop knows, can be fatal.
Don't fuck with Seal.
Bros tells them all they're going to have to do a photo shoot evoking the native animals they've been shown, ie: eagles, seals and... I guess this guy:
It's either him or a sand dune, take your pick.
Meanwhile, evoking sea creatures shouldn't be too much of a stretch for Simon(e):
Spot the difference.
Sadly despite ample opportunity, no one dies in this segment, but we do get to see Madeline put her new-found acting skills to use with a beautiful impression of a bird:
The lesser crested gawker.
It soon becomes apparent I am right about the producers blowing the budget on that video phone message when it turns out the shoot is being directed by the modelettes themselves and shot by Bros on his mum's Canon:
"Where is the red eye reduction on this thing?"
All of this is arse-meltingly boring, save for the bit where Jess, Simon(e) and Monotona go topless to better represent seals on the beach and end up looking like the morning after Schoolies.
"What did that guy say those pills were called again? Rohip-what?"
After all of this nature-related fun the modelettes are whisked off to the Southern Ocean Lodge, otherwise known as SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A JUNKET TO THIS HOTEL GOD DAMMIT I SWEAR I'LL WRITE NICE THINGS. As rooms at the SOL are about $1500 a night I assume Dawson is going to turn up any minute, laugh at them all and then toss them down the road to the Seal Vista Caravan Park. But no, they're actually allowed to stay the night.
This was precisely my reaction.
"I've been to lots of place around the world - America, Canada, Asia, Europe, and of all the hotels I've stayed in, this was the best," blahs Amelia while simultaneously endearing herself to ANTM's working class viewers.
Amelia: She's stayed in heaps of hotels, you know.
But enough of this frivolity! Bros has finally found the USB cable to his mum's camera and has uploaded the day's photos to his Facebook, so all of them gather round for an appraisal.
"The winners of this challenge will receive a spa treatment where you'll be pampered with traditional aboriginal therapies," says Bros.
Maybe I'm unenlightened, but I didn't think the aborigines were a people noted for their spa therapies.
On the other hand, if THIS is what they'll be doing, I hope they film it.
Everyone is shocked and amazed when the girls who got their kit off win the challenge. Meanwhile, HAS ANYTHING HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE YET?
Some more stuff doesn't happen, and then they all arrive at Remarkable Rocks for a "tribal" photo shoot, this time with real cameras. Upset at being dumped as official ANTM photographer, Bros cheers himself up by doing his favourite thing - a dramatic turn to camera.
The modelettes are then told they'll be wearing fur in the shoot. How much?
Oh, not much.
"I think if it's vintage fur it's alright, because it was like, done in the past," LOLs Amelia, as PETA campaigners around the world slap their foreheads in sudden realisation.
"You guys! We are so dumb! They ALREADY killed these animals, there's no point protesting about it now! Durr! Now, who wants KFC?"
Happily, none of the modelettes seems troubled by pesky annoyances like ethics, and they're all happy to be draped in as many dead animals as fashion demands.
And all of this takes place in one of the largest nature conservation parks in the world! CAN YOU SPELL IRONY?
Ethically problematic photo shoot in a nutshell:
- Rachel gets one of the eagles from the birds of prey sanctuary stapled to her head and half a seal wrapped around her shoulders, manages to look literally "fierce".
- Monotona discovers she has supernatural powers when Bros declares she "controlled the wind" during her shoot. Unless he meant to say she "controlled HER wind", in which case I think there's probably a medication she should try.
- Simon(e) looks like Zorro after a few drinks at his cousin's cowboys 'n' indians themed 30th birthday party:
"I hate fancy dress."
- Meanwhile, has Liz got something on her head?
Didn't think so.
- "I feel so cool right now," slags Jess.
Well it's how you FEEL that counts...
- Unsurprisingly, Hazel does not feel similarly:
One got jewels, one got fur, one got a Cheap as Chips rain poncho.
- "I don't like being told all the time that I'm perfect, I'm just human," says Amelia, who by the way has stayed in lots of hotels all around the world, even in Greece.
- Madeline manages to pull a fairly decent Paris Hilton impression despite the fact that her "fox is falling off":
I choose to ignore this innuendo.
- "The guys on set were calling me 'haggis', I think because I looked Scottish," giggles Izzy.
Yeah, that's not why they were calling you that.
- Yolanda's shoot ends up being a screentest for George Lucas's new film Ewok and Roll: Escape from Endor, starring Bros as the chief Ewok, Gary:
"Don't upstage me, bitch."
And with that it's off to the elimination warehouse, where unwanted models are skinned alive and fed to ravenous PETA protesters.
The sooner this episode is over the better, so let's picture bitch:
- Monotona looks like a one armed narcoleptic that's exiting the rear end of an emu.
Unsurprisingly, this is not the look the judges were hoping for.
- Simon(e) complains about having been given a "revealing" outfit for the shoot.
Revealing perhaps for Miss Amish 2010.
- Dawson says Liz makes her want to vomit on the desk. So she obviously hasn't met Amelia yet then.
- Amelia looks like a Macedonian thalidamide victim that's being attacked by a giant caterpillar:
Unsurprisingly, this is not the look the judges were hoping for.
- And Yolanda's mouth looks like it's trying to exit her head. Possibly because it's wrapped in half a fox.
And suddenly it's down to two - Yolanda and Jess. Given that we've been made to care about one marginally more than the other the decision seems obvious - and true to form, the one who got slightly less air time is booted out the door. Bye Yolanda! If only you'd gotten your mug on TV more, or taken your top off, you'd still be with us.
What do you mean Amelia took a shithouse photo? And Simon(e) looked like a log in a dress? SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE EMOTIONAL GUITAR MUSIC.
Meanwhile, back on Kangaroo Island...
"Yeah, me and George Lucas are buddies. I can get you a walk-on role if you like."
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GO BACK AND READ episode 6 ... OR GO ON AND READ episode 8