Friday, September 02, 2011

Australia's Next Top Model Recap: Season 7, Episode 4

We start this week's episode with a quick rundown of what happened last time, just in case you've forgotten how they all rolled around a swimming pool in giant inflatable balls. Speaking of forgetting - it's a good thing they eliminated Cassy last week, as it seems all the strain of working with inflatable props caused her to forget how to spell her own name:


Exhibit A.



Exhibit B.

Sad, we never did find out what she was going to misuse. Apart from the English language, anyway.

It's morning at the model mansion, and everyone is waking up to some bad acting as a Sarah Mail arrives and everyone pretends it's 6am instead of 10am like it probably actually is.

After approximately 57 hours of modelettes saying interesting things like "I'm not a morning person", "I don't deal with early mornings", "Morning, morning, morning" and "Gee, it's early", we finally get to see something happen - a yoga class.


Insert excitement here.

"This week I would really like to stand up a bit like maybe like come out of my shell like be up the front and like sort of like show the judges I'm here and that I really wanna win this competition," monotones Montana, who shall henceforth be known as Monotona.

"I do become shy in front of like a group of people there's like a big range of personalities like you can definitely like see like the loud girls from like the shy and quiet girls like I tend to sort of stand back a bit," Monotona continues, as the brains of everyone over the age of 15 simultaneously explode from "like" exposure.


For the record, she said "like" 13 times in about seven seconds. I think that may be a new ANTM best.

"This week is all about focus, and to kick it off we're starting with YOGA!" shrieks Dawson.


"YAY, I LOVE YOPLAIT!"

Charlotte Dawson is joined by her evil twin, Charlotte Dodson (no really, that's her name) who apparently taught yoga to Miranda Kerr, to lead the girls in a bend and stretch session.


Aw, it's like someone shrunk Dawson in the wash.

"I HATE YOGA!" scoffs Ne-yo, before announcing five minutes later "I've never done yoga, but I've seen it on TV."


"Sheeeyat, I ain't doin' no yoga!"

Mini Dawson starts chanting and yelling out instructions like "LIFT YOUR ARM ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND TWIST YOUR BODY TO THE LEFT THEN REACH YOUR OTHER ARM FORWARD AND GRAB YOUR KNEE AND GO INTO DOWNWARD DOG" while all the modelettes take turns falling over.

Except for Caroline, who pretends she has a knee injury and spends almost the entire class lounging around in the ironic AC-DC t shirt she got from Supre.


"Of COURSE I know who AC-DC is. They wrote that song for Iron Man 2, duh!"

"In yoga when someone doesn't want to participate it's often masking something," says Mini Dawson.

Uh yeah - laziness. And not masking it very well either, actually.
Mini Dawson advises them all to take "one breath at a time", as opposed to say, 13 breaths at a time which is a lot more advanced, and breezes away to tell another group of bored individuals how she used to work with Miranda Kerr.

After having reached transcendental bliss and oneness with the universe and achieved a happiness and sense of peace that can only come from deep meditation and the realisation that all living things are of one spirit and nothing in life matters except life itself, the modelettes return to the mansion and are showered with thousands of dollars worth of presents.


"MATERIAL POSSESSIONS, YESSS!"

"OH MY GOD LIKE I'VE GOT A MESSAGE ON LIKE MY PHONE," says Monotona.

In a surprise akin to opening a packet of biscuits and finding biscuits inside, it's a Sarah Mail.

"YOU CANNOT ALWAYS CONTROL WHAT GOES ON OUTSIDE BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS CONTROL WHAT GOES ON INSIDE," reads Monotona.


Obviously Sarah has never mixed beans and cabbage in the same meal.

"BE READY TO MEET WITH A FAMILIAR FACE OUTSIDE S. T. JAMES STATION."


Sir S. T. James Station, inventor of the temporary tattoo.

While Monotona wonders how they're going to meet outside a person, everyone else heads off to meet Bros for their next photo shoot at David Jones.


"OMG WE GET TO MEET DAVID JONES TOO?"

"You're probably wondering why I've brought you here to David Jones," says Bros, as millions of viewers around Australia yell "TO DO SOME MODELLING, YOU MORONS, LIKE EVERY WEEK."


"Actually, it's to debut my new single, 'When Will I Be Famous 2011 feat. Pit Bull & Snoop Dogg'. Check me out as I tinkle these ivories..."

Sadly that's not the case, it's just some lame modelling challenge where they have to stand in the David Jones shop windows and not move for 15 minutes. Gruelling.

Not moving in a window for 15 minutes challenge in a nutshell:

  • "We were all trying to think of five different poses to do, and we were all realy struggling," says one modelette, possibly because most of the girls can only count up to four.


  • The modelettes pull their fiercest poses in the window, hoping to impress the glitterati of Sydney as they pass by...


    GLAMOUR!


    STYLE!


    FASHION!



  • Jess gets her dates confused and turns up dressed as Madonna for Dawson's upcoming "Come as your favourite 1980s pop star" party. Bros is so excited he sprints in to ask her to collaborate on his forthcoming album.


    "I like her old stuff better than her new stuff."


  • "Australian model Samantha Harris", otherwise known as "that model from the David Jones ads that isn't Miranda Kerr", turns up to judge and is referred to by absolutely everyone as "Australian model Samantha Harris" every time she is mentioned to distinguish her from the other people on the street you don't recognise.


  • Halfway through it becomes evident that Bros either has a wine drinking problem, or has been shot:


    Either way, it doesn't look good.


  • I think it's possible that Simon(e) may have a brain defect. Or is that just how everyone from Wollongong speaks?


  • Hazel almost faints. I say "almost" because the Shiralee made her leave the window and go sit down. You can almost hear the "CRACK" sound of the producers all slapping their foreheads in unison as they miss out on footage that might have made this episode even vaguely interesting.


  • Izzy's stupid pink hair leeches all over her white jacket, putting her in the ULTRA DIFFICULT position of having to "perform" in the window without a prop. She whinges about it for approximately 3 hours before someone finds a pair of scissors, chops her ponytail off and fashions it into a nifty bangle for her to pose with. Harajuku THAT, sunshine.


  • A half naked man turns up to "distract" the modelettes in the window and ends up being the best dressed shopper anyone has seen that day.


    In other news, Madeline has almost completed her transformation into a chair.


  • And finally, this kid is unimpressed:


    "I've seen better in Milan."

Jess wins and Hazel gets an honourable mention for almost fainting because "it's so professional of you to have announced that you weren't feeling well and removed yourself from the situation."


Well, not always eh, Caroline?

The modelettes are all whisked off to a cemetery to pay their respects to Matthew Newton's career, and while they're there Bros decides it'd be a good time for a photo shoot.

Of course, being anywhere near a cemetery - ie: a garden with a few hundred stone blocks in it - is enough to send the models into paroxysms of hysteria, so Mini Dawson has to be wheeled back in to remind them all to take one breath at a time until they calm down.

"Take inspiration from your surroundings girls," says Bros, as all the modelettes wonder how they can evoke astroturf, fake flowers and headstones in their next photo shoot.


Well, the headstone thing might not be so hard.

Bros announces they're going to be posing inside a coffin for a Lady Gaga-inspired shoot, news to which only Izzy has a positive reaction.

"Being in a coffin is NOTHING new to me," she blathers. "My boyfriend has three of them at his house!"


Izzy's boyfriend.

Dead model in a box shoot in a nutshell. Or a coffin, whichever you prefer:

  • Izzy quickly transforms into someone I want to slap by crapping on about how she's "so at home" in a coffin and corsets and "avant garde" clothes and how she "already owns" the designer shoes they're getting her to pose in and OH JUST SHUT UP AND DYE YOUR HAIR ALREADY.


  • "I feel like a princess but with crazy hair," says Liz.


    Sorry, I thought you said crazy HAT.


  • Simon(e) turns up as Cyndi Lauper, having only just gotten her invite to Dawson's party in the post:


    "Which way's the bar?"


  • And then OH MY GOD, THEY'VE GOTTEN A REAL VAMPIRE IN! That's amazing, check out her fangs!! Oh wait, hang on...


    It's just Annalise.


  • In an unprecedented celebrity appearance, zombie Samuel L Jackson turns up to supervise the shoot and... oh, that's just Neo.


    Dead as disco.


  • "Engage with the photographer because if we get a dead picture it's a dead shot," says Bros. Er, isn't that the whole point of this shoot?


  • Izzy tells everyone who'll listen for the twentieth time how much she loves coffins and doesn't mind posing in one. WE GET IT, YOU'RE KOOKY, NOW STFU.


  • Caroline fakes another illness, this time one involving headaches and vomiting, to gain sympathy from... well, it's not clear. What with her headcold, stomach pains and injured knee, she should be well on her way to actually BEING dead by the time she has to get into the coffin, so good on her for going the extra mile.


  • Liz screams at the camera and everyone faints from excitement, despite the resulting photo looking less Lady Gaga and more like an ad for Crest Whitening Strips:


    Or Chicken Tonight.


  • The photographer has high praise for Liz, saying "We didn't have to put it in her mouth to make her do it".


    TOO MANY JOKE POSSIBILITIES.


  • And Tayah gets the whole "death" theme confused and instead lets something die on her head:


    That hat is NOT going to help.

Then it's off to the elimination warehouse, where unwanted models are chopped up and drained of their vital juices to create Izzy's hair dye. They could have just shut the coffin lid on whoever did the worst during the shoot and saved us all some time, but nooooo we have to go through the photoooooos. Hmph. Fine, here's the picture bitch:

  • "This week was all about FOCUS," says The Shiralee for about the 50th time this episode, and I'm suddenly overcome by the need to buy a new car.


  • The usual judges are this week joined by celebrity guest judge Joan Cusack:


    How nice of her.


  • Tayah looks like she's been snapped at the exact milisecond a flock of origami cranes attacked her head and made her sneeze:


    Perfectly timed.


  • Annalise also looks mid sneeze, meaning this photo could be a great ad for hayfever tablets.


    FEXOTAB 2000.


  • Izzy looks like one of the stars of new adult horror film 'The Ring 4 - Inside My Ring':


    Before you die you see my ring.


  • Madeline looks like the victim of a dodgy backyard cosmetic surgery procedure:


    GIVE ME MORE BOTOX!


  • Rachel attempts "sexy", ends up losing her neck:


    Quite ironic for someone who looks like a vampire.


  • Dawson tells Simon(e) she's the "right side of slutty", which I think is this side:


    Actually that's the BACKSIDE of slutty, sorry.


  • Dawson says Monotona is more "blah blah" than Gaga, but The Shiralee praises her for giving "a different facial expression". You know, the one where you open both your eyes and stare straight ahead. That one.


  • Pezza describes Alissandra as "overstuffed luggage". If you're in a modelling competition and one of the judges compares you to a suitcase, you should probably just get your coat and go.


  • Joan Cusack and Dawson argue over how much Madeline would sell for if they decided to hock her down the Cross - Dawson says $2, Joan says more than $2 but less than $10. In the end they decide on $7 plus a pack of Winnie Blues.

In the end it comes down to two - Alissandra the suitcase and Tayah who doesn't have an epithet but is wearing vinyl shorts. Tayah is given her marching orders, meaning she won't take the ANTM crown home...


But she will leave with a new yeast infection. CONGRATULATIONS, TAYAH!

Until next time, let's check in with Bros, who has scored a guest appearance on cult vampire drama True Blood to promote his new album:



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GO BACK AND READ episode 3 ... OR KEEP GOING WITH episode 5




















6 comments :

  1. "In the end they decide on $7 plus a pack of Winnie Blues." Bahahahahahaha! This recap is awesome. - Katie P (@katiemelb)

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  2. I'm glad you're back :)

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  3. You are too hilarious. I live in Singapore & miss watching my favorite crap shows but your blog sums it up perfectly. Ps they showed the last series of ANTM & the moment where Sarah read out the wrong name was edited out! Censorship! I'm used to boobs & the word lesbian being edited out (yes that happens here!) thank god for you tube!!!

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  4. So glad you're recapping. Don't mind in the least if it's a few days late... I've almost given up watching the show itself anyway. It's gotten very tired this year. Unlike your recaps which are pure satirical Viagra.

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  5. Glad the blog continues.. Laugh till I cry funny!!

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