Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Australia's Next Top Model Recap: Season 7, Episode 10

You know when you buy a carton of eggs, and you put each egg through a gruelling set of challenges before smashing each of them on the floor while playing emotional guitar music, and then you only have six eggs left?

THAT'S WHAT THIS EPISODE IS LIKE. IF THE MODELS WERE EGGS. BECAUSE WE ONLY HAVE SIX LEFT.


This metaphor totally works.


So I think it's only appropriate that we take a look at our final half-dozen, and see if any of them are worth turning into an omelette. To assist in this endeavour, I have made some collectible ANTM finalist cards, each with the FOR and AGAINST arguments for each contestant to win/be turned into a quiche:
















While I'm feeling frisky, let's all cast a vote shall we?

Who would make the best frittata?
Liz
Rachel
Izzy
Montana
Hazel
Simone

Now that our democratic right is out of the way let's get on with the episode which this week starts in the customary way - with the show's unofficial narrator Simon(e) giving last week's winner a back-handed compliment.

"I think Hazel's photo is really cool, it doesn't look like Hazel," she drawls.

Given Hazel's photo shows her wearing a hideous grey wig and covered in pink paint, this is possibly a good thing.


I think you'll find this checks out.

Suddenly - SARAH MAIL, which is met with the usual quiet contemplation.


Cool, mail, whatever.

"Your friends are about to become foes as you fight it out for the title," says The Shiralee via video message. Lord knows how the ANTM budget is covering all of this high-tech shenanigans every week, it must have cost them at least 75c to SMS that.

"SUMO SUITS," shrieks Simon(e), while simultaneously sealing the envelope on her membership application for MENSA.


Although there WAS this, so you never know...

But before the modelettes can debate the idea further, they're whisked away through some royalty-free music to a gym where Dawson is facing off with a muscle-bound boxer.


"I WON'T STOP UNTIL YOU ADMIT ALLOWING VIEWERS TO VOTE FOR THE WINNER IS A STUPID IDEA THAT NEGATES THE ENTIRE JUDGING PROCESS OF THE COMPETITION UP TO THAT POINT!"


"When we got there there was this massive guy punching the hell out of this bag," says Liz, rather unfairly. Oh wait, she means the PUNCHING bag. Gotcha.

Dawson explains that they're all going to be thrown into a cage and made to fight each other, which coincidentally is the basic plot line of new adult film MAD MODELS 3: BEYOND UNDERPANTS.


"Utter crap - one star." - Roger Ebert.

They're taken through some basic boxing moves, which proves entertaining when it becomes obvious that Rachel doesn't understand the basic mechanics of punching.


"So I punch myself like THIS, right?"

The entertainment quotient increases when Rachel and Izzy attempt a wrestling move and end up looking like a senile elderly couple fighting on the dancefloor over who's going to lead.


"FOR GOD'S SAKE MABEL THIS ISN'T HOW YOU FOXTROT."

"I was legitimately scared of Liz," yelps Izzy as they all continue training.


Other things Izzy is legitimately scared of: bunnies, rainbows, fluffy ducklings.

"ALRIGHT PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD, LET'S SEE THE AGGRESSION," yells the trainer as all the modelettes smile their hardest at the punching bags. If nothing else, it's been a workout for their jaws.


LOLHAZEL.

Meanwhile, Simon(e), having been starved of male attention for at least 12 hours, makes the most of the opportunity while she can.


"So, do you come here often?"

Miraculously after 20 minutes of lightly tapping punching bags they're not exhausted or sweaty, so still have enough energy to give the usual reaction when they receive another Sarah Mail in the locker room.


Wow. Another Sarah Mail.

The producers have obviously received their latest Telstra bill, because this time it's just a text message telling the girls to remember the skills they've learned so they don't "stack up short" at the next elimination, a phrase which throws all of them into a linguistic tailspin.

"Stack up short? What's stack up short? I don't even know. What is that? SHORT SHORT SHORT," they all chorus.

I sincerely hope that "stacking up short" is a clue that:

  • The modelettes will all be forced to work on minimum wage at the nearest Supre for a day, stacking up shorts.


  • They'll all become short-order cooks at Harry's Cafe De Wheels for a morning, making short stack pancakes.


  • It's actually a typo, and they'll all have to take covert photos of women's "stockings up skirts" in Hyde Park.

Sadly it turns out it's none of those things, but instead a shoot for a music video.

The sudden appearance of Bros buoys my hopes that the video is for his new single "When Will I Be Famous 2011 (Feat. Pitbull, LFMAO and Fergie)" in which they'll all wear pork pie hats with ponytails through the top but alas, it's for some shit band you don't care about unless you're under 25, Short Stack.

Apparently the modelettes will have to pull some kickboxing moves in the video, but then it's announced that the members of the band (ie: three young men) will be judging the winner, so I think we can safely say it will have less to do with martial arts and more to do with how big your cans are.

Racks, cracks and stacks challenge in a nutshell:

  • The choreographer shows them the first move they have to learn - a "front scissor throw", which involves flipping someone over by stealthily and swiftly ninja-attacking them with your legs. This could be a challenge for Hazel, who's not even allowed to use big-person scissors yet in case she cuts herself.


  • The modelettes are told to walk towards the judges "looking tough" and throw some punches. Rachel mistakenly hears this as "do an impression of a retarded squid learning semaphore" and, in her mind, nails it.


    Meanwhile, Rachel is now officially the single most entertaining thing in this series so far.


  • Rachel continues to impress by demonstrating her "scissor takedown", in which she sits confusedly on the carpet with one leg awkwardly positioned behind her victim, and smiles at them.


    SHE HAZ THEM.


  • Simon(e) is asked to demonstrate "starting a fight" so immediately starts slagging off the judges for having annoying voices.


    Australia agrees.


  • Liz attempts "mean face", ends up doing "Hi my name's Liz want to be my best friend here have one of these biscuits I just made" face.


  • Izzy reveals her boyfriend plays in "a horror surf band". I think we can safely file this genre along with "pirate metal" and "electro gypsy" in the "music that no one seriously listens to" folder.


    Izzy's boyfriend.

Rachel's unconventional take on martial arts (ie: smiling at one's opponent until they die of boredom) sadly fails to impress the band, but Liz's angry girl scout impression and Izzy's strong involvement in the music industry (ie: shagging a drummer) get them over the line and into the video clip.

There's not much to say about the video shoot, apart from that I hope some skilled editing will help the two of them look a lot less uncoordinated in the finished product.


Also, this is how eliminations will be conducted from now on.

Back at model mansion, Liz calls her best friend who casually breaks the news that her boyfriend has cheated on her in a manner usually reserved for announcing that it feels more like a Thursday than a Friday, or that the coffee is ready, or that it's warm again today, isn't it.

"Hi honey I'm really well, how are you? So Jack got really drunk and kissed another girl on the weekend."


"Oh and also, your mum says hi."

Liz immediately calls the boyfriend who, as you may remember from last week, is a poet laureate who has been missing her for "weaks" and likens her to a fish.

What follows is the most 17-year-old conversation ever which, if you missed it, can be recreated by eavesdropping at any bus stop in Australia at about 3.45pm. Liz cries, her boyfriend says sorry, Liz cries some more, yada yada yada.

Liz honey, there is only one correct response to your boyfriend in this situation, and it's this:


"Sorry, what was your name again?"

Anyway, enough of this sad attempt at actual melodrama, let's away to the photo shoot where [ INSERT ALLEGEDLY IMPORTANT MODEL'S NAME HERE ] is already posing in her underwear.

"It was such an honour to meet... what was her name again?" says Rachel as Miss Anonymous pouts in the background.

Bros springs out of an ornamental sideboard to announce they're going to be doing their first lingerie shoot with Ms Allgedly Famous as a mentor, news to which Simon(e) virtually explodes with delight.

"I've been waiting to do a shoot like this for SO LONG," she says. Because obviously posing in lingerie covered in pink paint doesn't count.

"It might feel a little awkward stripping off in front of everyone," says Ms A. Famous.


Er, that horse has bolted, honey.

The photographer rocks up and tells them that modelling lingerie "is all in the eyes". He's obviously South African, and speaking with an accent.

"This is by far the most revealing shoot they've done, with lingerie there's nowhere to hide," says Bros.


HOW HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS?

Rack, crack and fancy daks shoot in a nutshell D-cup:

  • Izzy gets strapped into a Madonna-style cone bra and looks like an ad for Chanel's new venture with Mister Whippy:


    Flake is extra $1.50.


  • Montana... OH HI Montana, I didn't realise you were in this episode.


  • Liz cries about "looking gross" which is understandable because, you know:


    Pretty gross.


  • Meanwhile, note to Liz's boyfriend:


    "I'm sorry, I really HAVE forgotten your name..."


  • Ms Famous describes Simon(e)'s body as "womanly", which as we all know in fashion world means "fat". Just like "strong" means "masculine" and "fashion forward" means "whatever you found in the back of your wardrobe from the 80s".


  • Rachel forgets to draw inspiration from the internationally famous model they have on set and instead draws inspiration from Terry the transsexual, the owner of the nightclub they're shooting in.


    "Am I doing the Adam's apple OK?"


  • Hazel is instructed to "take her face right off" and does, shrieking "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU PESKY KIDS!"

And with that, it's off to the elimination warehouse where models are given chainsaws and pitted against each other in an electrified cage until one of them is made into enough bite sized snacks to cater Dawson's next slumber party.

Of course The Shiralee is there, continuing in her quest to make sure she never outshines the set:


"Are you sure this beige is bland enough?"

Not so judge Dawson, who this week has come as Dominatrix Dora...


"The safe word is 'ridonkulous'."


...and Pezza, who has come in costume as Bruce Banner two-thirds of the way through transforming into The Hulk:


"BAD PHOTO MAKE HULK ANGRY!"

Anyway, let's picture bitch:

  • Izzy tells the judges her favourite part of the week was being in the music video and "doing it with Liz".


    Funny, that used to be Liz's boyfriend's favourite thing too.


  • Izzy's photo, in which she looks amazing in expensive lingerie and high heels, is declared "daggy". BREAKING NEWS: 85% of shoppers at Westfield Tea Tree Plaza are now high fashion ambassadors.


  • Liz has a message for her cheating boyfriend:


    Oh no, wait, she forgot it.


  • "I don't like it, I look like I have a keg," says Liz of her photo, as millions of female viewers around Australia vomit up their dinner in jealousy/disbelief and millions of men say "Did she say something? I was too busy looking at her hot body."


  • Simon(e) looks a bit like a busty wench from Madame Tussauds' "Pirates of the Caribbean" exhibit, but slightly more waxlike.


  • Monotona looks... oh for fuck's sake, she looks great, OK? She's going to win, we're all just pretending she won't in order to keep this farce going. NEXT.


  • Hazel manages to make her $500 lace lingerie set look like Antz Pants, but does give a stirring speech about why she should stay in the competition:


    What she said.

As always, it comes down to two - Izzy and Hazel. But who will be unceremoniously kicked out on their bony, lingerie-clad arses? Oh right, they both will. Cool.


DOUBLE THE FUN.

All the girls are devastated, but none more so than poor tender, emotional Simon(e):


I HAZ A SAD.

See you next week, kids.

---

GO BACK A WEEK TO episode 9 ... OR GO ON TO episode 11





























11 comments :

  1. I am in love with how Simone doesn't even try to hide the gloat - bless her.

    And god, Liz's boyfriend - seriously dude?!

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  2. Sarah M might as well phone in her comments. She looks increasingly uncomfortable each week. Do you have a theory, petstarr?

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  3. Isn't Liz just adorable?
    I don't care if she is a little bit "special" or completely unaware of her outer beauty, she is just so likable!
    You better put her into the final bitches!!

    Sidenote: I love this blog, I look forward to it more than the actual show.

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  4. OMG - I simultaneously can't stand Simone and love her because she is so predictably arrogant it's hilarious!

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  5. "The safe word is 'ridonkulous'." Hee. Heehee. Heeeeeeeeeeeee. Love it.

    Nothing about Bros encouraging all the hamsters to cry after the photo shoot? I am disappoint!

    Kiss kiss, love your work - from Katie (@katiemelb)

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  6. PinkPatentMaryJanes and X - I admit it, I'm with you on this one. Simon(e) is my favourite. Let's face it, without her you might as well just flip pages of a magazine really fast in front of your face for an hour each week.

    Anonymous1 - I agree. Is The Shiralee preparing to hand over the reins to La Dawson? Wouldn't be surprised.

    Anonymous2 - I love Liz as well, I think she'll be in the final 2 with Montana unless she does something spectacularly bad. And for the sake of entertainment, let's hope she does.

    Anonymous3 - First time Bros has made so many girls cry since the band split in 1992.

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  7. Thanks for all your hard work. Sending up the already ridiculous can't be as hard as finding all those hilarious illustrations and, even harder, week after week coming up with brilliantly funny captions. You are one of the best recap bloggers around. Thought about doing America's NTM?

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  8. Yes - you're right about Simone but I gotta say the only reason I want her to hang around until the final is just so I can see her lose to someone else!

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  9. This blog is the frigging BEST! I'm in the US and don't even watch this show, I just read this blog every week. SO FUNNY!! How are you going to do the live finale?

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  10. Simone is totally going to win, she's heaps better than the others. I can't believe Liz is still there.

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  11. EPISODE 11, HURRY UP! I've just got to the office and I need something to read with my coffee. Pleeeeease!

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