Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Australia's Next Top Model Recap: Season 7, Episode 12

For the benefit of my three readers who haven't yet heard who was crowned the winner in last night's live finale, for the entirety of this recap I'm going to pretend that it's still Monday, no one has won anything yet and everyone still cares what I think.


It's nice in my happy place.


So, back in Mondayland, our final three return to the model mansion where it's clear the ANTM set designers have run wild with the remains of the budget.



Those boxes aren't cheap, you know.


With all their stuff moved out of shot it's so sparse and empty now there's even an echo.

"It's all packed up!" says Simon(e).

"...It's all packed up!" says the echo, otherwise known as Monotona.

"It looks so weird!" says Simon(e)

"...It's so weird!" says the echo.


Such personality.

The triplet sits on the couch and reminisces about their favourite times in the house, like the time they sat on the couch and... Well, that kind of sums it up.

Fortunately The Shiralee bursts in to remind them of other slightly notable things they've done during the past 11 weeks.

"Remember the time you went to Paris?" she chirps.


*insert cricket noise here*


I might also point out - aren't models supposed to be tall? Liz FTW!

Obviously the overseas trip that no one remembers was deemed a success because - SURPRISE! - they're all going on another one, this time to Dubai.


"OMG! I've always wanted to go to India!"

"This is going to sort the mice from the men," says Monotona, as a large CRACK resounds around the nation - the sound of thousands of English teachers collectively slapping their heads.


Meanwhile, I don't think you actually need a modelling competition to sort these two things apart.

"THE BUSINESS CLASS LOUNGE IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, LIKE, IT'S ABSOLUTELY AWESOME, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT," she continues, proving that all you need to impress a 17 year old is unlimited free booze, internet access and cake.


Actually, that works for me too.

The next 10 minutes is so mind numbingly dull that in order to prevent you all dying of boredom I'll just type a condensed transcript:

*** INT. AIRPLANE. LOTS OF LEGROOM. ***

SIMONE: So cool. Oh my god.

LIZ: Oh my god, legroom.

ALL: Oh my god.

*** INT. AIRPLANE BAR. ***

SIMONE: So weird. Oh my god.

MONTANA: One of us is going to be Australia's Next Top Model. Oh my god.

ALL: Oh my god.

LIZ: I don't even know who it's going to be. Oh my god.

ALL: (laughter)

*** REPEAT X 3 ***

They all arrive in Dubai, which Liz is surprised to discover is just like New York in that it isn't an island, Monotona is surprised to discover has buildings and Simon(e) is surprised to discover is hot. Because it's a city in the middle of a giant desert.

"Stepping out of the airport was like running into a huge brick wall made out of fire," she gasps.


Speaking of which, this week's photo shoot is going to be a little different...

"It's like we're in the middle of the desert and they just decided to build things around!" exclaims Simon(e).


Consider the position filled.

They get to their hotel which, as buildings typically are, is a large structure made of stone and metal. Monotona is blown away.

"It's the biggest thing I've ever seen, you can see it from like, 500 metres away," she says.


Other hotel builders in Dubai were not as shrewd.

Hey Montana, here are some other things you can see from 500 metres away:

  • Anything bigger than a 50 cent piece.

As it turns out their hotel IS pretty massive, so big in fact that it houses a giant underground aquarium which the staff have thoughtfully decorated with a customised scuba diver just for them.


Oh, isn't that nice.

And then he flips the sign over.


Probably better than being set on fire, though.

Oops, looks like he's got another sign in there...


Hooray!

Er, we'll just ignore this one.

We're then treated to approximately 57 minutes of the modelettes shrieking "OH MOY GOURD" as they're given cocktails, sprayed with rosewater and showed around their palatial hotel room, all of which is about as enjoyable as watching an episode of Getaway in which Catriona Rowntree is given cocktails, sprayed with rosewater and showed around her palatial hotel room.


So, pretty much any episode of Getaway then.

"YOU CAN FIT A PERSON IN HERE!" Simon(e) enthuses about the bath.


Other Dubai hotel builders were not as shrewd.

"We're going to take on the international world of modelling and push ourselves to our very limit," gushes Monotona, as if they're about to run across seven continents barefoot to raise money for cancer research, instead of stand in front of a camera pouting for 20 minutes each.

"Our butler is probably the best person I've ever met," she continues, which along with her descriptions of the business lounge (the best thing she's ever seen in her life) and the hotel itself (the biggest thing she's ever seen) brings the Monotona Hyperbole Count to THE BIGGEST NUMBER I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

Next thing you know they're zooming off in a limo to see the sights of Dubai.

"Oh my god look - THIS is the history!" exclaims Liz, pointing to what looks like a block of flats probably built around 2002.


Each unit comes with its own historical dual-flush toilet and ancient reverse cycle.

"I'm kinda glad we haven't been taken to history places cos I'm not a big historian," slags Simon(e).


APPLICATION WITHDRAWN.

Eventually they pull up at a history place and are greeted by a throng of men clutching mobile phone cameras. The girls interpret this as being their "fan club". Any woman who's been to the middle east before interprets this as "every day life".


Little do they know this is actually this week's photo shoot.

Eventually they're greeted by someone from Dubai tourism who promises to show them "the fashion of Dubai".


Oh... good.

What follows is the least informative advertisement for Dubai ever, in which Liz demonstrates her excellent descriptive skills by detailing her experience at the spice market: "like when you walked in this smell was so powerful and it wasn't like just one smell it was all these concoctions of all these different things I don't even know how to explain it it was so overpowering."


TRANSLATION: I could smell spices.

Not to be outdone in the intelligence stakes, Simon(e) ensures her share of screen time by sighing "I thought the women wore all black here because black is slimming and it suits everyone.".


Who else votes we do this?

But Monotona is ultimately crowned the Queen of Stupid when she tries camel-milk and guesses they must "inject it out" of the camel.


Oh, you can milk anything with nipples.

Off they trot to the jewellery market where Simon(e) spies an opportunity to be nominated for the feminist of the year award, and coos: "I'd love to have a husband who could buy me everything in here!"


Germain Greer for Generation Y.

Simon(e) hands out a few copies of The Female Eunuch and they bugger off to a gold shop, where Montana tries on a crown while the others stand and stare at her.


Some might call this foreshadowing. Not me.

Then they head back to the hotel, but not before Simon(e) delivers a seminal speech on the origins of women's subjugation that causes all the local women to rip off their burkas and dance naked and free in the streets. It's just like that scene in Sex and the City 2 where Samantha throws condoms at the stall owners, except this time there's no bored audience wishing the film was over and/or the cinema would catch on fire.

The next morning they wake up to the customary Middle Eastern breakfast of A SHITLOAD OF BREAD...


I think that's the collective noun for it anyway.

...before heading off to their photo shoot where they meet photographer Georges Antoni, with whom it's fairly certain Simon(e) will flirt outrageously for the rest of the day.


"Is my shirt open? Good."

Georges says the word "amazing" and "amazingness" about 30 times, Montana gets a giant penis strapped to her head...


"There you are, NOW you're a cockhead."

...and they're all wrapped up in layers and layers of woollen winter clothing before being shoved out into the 45 degree sun.

Melting models get their just deserts shoot in a nutshell:

  • Monotona looks like an alien in disguise as a 1930s detective on his way home to apologise to his wife for shagging his secretary.


    It's a very specific look.


  • Simon(e) arrives on set late, having just come from a costume party in Pezza's hotel room to which she went as Dawson circa episode 6:


    Spot on.


  • Simon(e) is given a basket of fruit and is instantly mobbed by customers mistaking her for a real market seller:


    She DOES look authentic.


  • Sensing she might be losing Georges' interest, Simon(e) claims she is going to faint, which results in him ripping off all her clothes and doing this:


    So, fairly effective tactic then.
  • As a smirking Georges carries a suddenly-not-so-ill Simon(e) back to safety to the strains of Enrique Iglesias' Hero (no, I'm not joking), everyone agrees to forget that she is 17 and he is... well, let's actually not think about that at all.


  • Liz steps on set and... gets in the way of Simon(e)'s storyline. So after she's on screen for 15 seconds we forget all about her and focus on Simon(e)'s resurrection for the group shot, an advertisement for black and gold brand tea towels.


    Stylish AND practical.

Back at the hotel Simon(e) and Monotona are rehearsing their act for MENSA's upcoming annual variety show fundraiser to combat stupidity in the western suburbs, which this year goes a little something like this:

SIMONE: "People do milk camels, because how else do you get camel milk?"

MONTANA: "I have never seen a teat on a camel before."

SIMONE: "Yeah but people still milk them."

MONTANA: "I'm sure they do but have you ever looked at a camel and seen an udder?"

SIMONE: "I don't look for camel teats, but I just know that you can milk them."

MONTANA: "Do camels eat? I thought they just drank."

SIMONE: "No you can feed camels at zoos, I've done it."

I really wish I could say I had made some of that up. I didn't.

Suddenly a shrill ringing noise pierces the air, and all the models run screaming for the fire exit until one of them points out it might just be the phone. In a surprise akin to discovering camels occasionally eat food, it's The Shiralee advising them they're all about to go swimming with dolphins, an announcement which prompts them all to do dolphin impressions.

At least, that's what I THOUGHT they were doing...

But I know I've seen this on the internet somewhere else...

So they all bugger off to see the dolphins and...


I know. Don't worry, we're almost there.

"DOLPHINS ARE REALLY CUTE THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ALWAYS SMILING!" shrieks Liz.


In other news, Liz has been offered a position at Dubai Sea World.

"THIS WAS ONE OF THE MOST FUN EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER DONE!" shouts Montana.


I think we're up to 11 now.

Back at the hotel, Georges bursts out of an ornamental bread basket to tell the girls the final photo shoot is going to "blow their mind". Distracted by her own reflection, Simon(e) just hears the word "blow", sees Georges and jumps to her own conclusion about the day's events.

"I'm going to be shooting you on top of the sand dunes," Georges continues.


"I hope that's a euphemism."

BLEEPING on the top of a sand dune shoot in a nutshell:

  • Everyone gets their eyebrows bleached to render them invisible, reducing Liz's facial expressions from two (surprised, demented) to just one (demented).


  • Simon(e) drapes herself in white sheets, looks like the lead in new off-Broadway drag musical Lawrence of A-gay-bia.


    "I pray that I may never see the desert again. Mm-hmm, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!"


  • Liz puts on huge gold earrings, wraps herself in a thousand dollar red silk jumpsuit and designer stilettoes, and gets the perfect shot by stacking it down a sand dune.


    Nailed it.


  • "It was one of the most hardest shoots," says Monotona, causing both my Proper English and Hyperbole Meters to explode in a puff of smoke, shooting cogs across the room.

After the shoot Georges informs the modelettes The Shiralee has organised a "desert feast" for them all, for which they'll have to dress in Alex Perry and ride camels.


I can't tell if they're surprised or not.

What follows is a carbon copy of that scene from Sex and the City 2 where Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha and Carrie ride camels in designer clothing to a feast in the desert. Except this time there isn't a cinema audience praying for the roof to cave in and deliver them to sweet, sweet freedom. And also, everyone actually looks good in their outfits this time.

Suddenly - SARAH MAIL. The mobile coverage in the UAE is amazing, isn't it?

"It's amazing to think you started as just girls at the top of the Eiffel Tower, and you finish as models in the desert of the Middle East," says The Shiralee via video message.

"Well, bye!" she chirps, as the girls look around to discover the butlers have left with their camels and night time is approaching.


Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Of course that doesn't happen at all. What actually happens is they sit around staring at each other saying excruciatingly 17-year-old things like "I know I've changed but I like, don't know what" (Simone) and "It's been the most amazing like, experience like, what we've done" (Montana) and "Oh my gosh it doesn't feel like, real" (Liz).

"I've been here since the top 100 like, I've beat out 93 other girls or something like that. Oh, I mean 96!" says Simon(e).


Consider the position filled.

Before you know it we're back in the elimination warehouse, which has undergone a transformation and now looks like the bar at the Opera House. Kudos to those set designers, they really know how to stretch a dollar.

So without further ado, let's picture bitch:

  • Liz looks like a Jewish grandma who's strayed too far from her tour group and gotten lost in the backstreets of Bahrain.


    "Is this the way to the bazaar? I'm schvitzin' up a storm here."


  • Simon(e) looks like she's been bailed up against a wall by a gang of marauding fruit thieves and is about to defend herself by slinging some pomegranates.


    "STAY BACK, OR I LOB A PINEAPPLE!"


  • Montana looks great as usual, and completely devoid of comedic possibilities, so I can't be bothered. So luckily there's this group shot, in which she looks like a bean bag that's being slowly inflated:


    "WATCH OUT, SHE'S GONNA BLOOOOOOW!"


  • Dawson says Simon(e) is like a cross between Lucille Ball and this woman:


    Which isn't really ideal in anyone's language.


  • Except in this photo, where she looks more like the thing that bursts out of the wardrobe in Poltergeist


    Scary. As. Shit.


  • In her second photo, Liz looks like a deranged fashion ninja on a vengeance rampage over the theft of her neck.


    "You stole my neck - NOW I STEAL YOUR LIFE."


  • Montana's photo flashes up on the screen and everyone practically faints from excitement, even though it looks pretty much exactly the same as the other two photos, but in blue.


    Luckily Georges is there to carry them all to the sick bay.

Then all the judges announce their votes for the winner, and everyone says Montana except for Pezza who was forced by the producers to say Liz to keep some sort of interest level up.

Meanwhile:


Who is this again?

So who will it be? Let's all pretend Montana the nameless winner hasn't won yet, and join me again in... however long it takes for those slackers in Australia to upload the finale to the internet... for the BLAND CANYON ANTM SEASON 7 FINALE RECAP!

---

GO BACK TO episode 11 OR a final look at the finalists ... GO FORWARD TO the finale











































12 comments :

  1. So fucken amazing ... reading this before work has made my day ...

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  2. AHAHAHAHAHAHA total LOL at your Dubai hotel owner pics!!

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  3. You are the most hilariousest blogger ever. LOLZ! I spent all day recapping your recaps of the past seasons. Can't wait for the finale since I too am in the wrong timezone and haven't seen any of this season.

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  4. Flicked onto the show having just left Junior Masterchef, where a 10-year-old was articulating in splendid detail all the spices he had used in a dish - 'so for sweetness I added coriander and garam masala, and there's some fenugreek for sourness there, too, and you can probably smell cardamom...' (Yeh, I know, sometimes you wanna throttle the little foodies), but the contrast with gormless Liz in the Dubai spice market - expertly captured by you - hit home. I know you don't need many brains to be a model, but these girls seem to lack even a basic education. Their parents must be so proud.

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  5. P.S. I love you

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  6. This is made even better by the fact I live in Dubai and see all this crap on a daily basis!!! LOOOOVED the "we should have made it bigger" pics. GOLD!!!

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  7. I think this was your best recap all season! I need to make another cup of tea... I may also need a new keyboard.

    THIS BLOG WAS LIKE, THE MOSTEST BEST EXPERIENCE I'VE DONE!

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  8. Just read all your ANTM blogs and am in tears. You are so funny and every thing you were saying was everything I was thinking ( seriously what was with the bread). Note you didn't mention the girls fascination with how they got the milk from the camel lol.

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  9. THANK YOU!!!
    It's your blog which makes me watch the show and it is heaps more entertaining then the show!

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  10. Gosh, thanks for all the love, peeps!

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  11. Any chance you could pretty please blog about the new one.. http://www.fox8.tv/shows/australias-next-top-model/show/watch-episode-1..no pressure or anything haha :/ Love your blog!

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  12. Hello Aonymous! I am definitely recapping the new series but life has gotten in the way of episode one, boo. It should be up by the end of the weekend! Stay tuned!

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