Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Australia's Next Top Model Recap: Season 7, Episode 9

So, remember in episode 8 how all the modelettes went to NIDA and got acting lessons and learned how to cry on demand and the ENTIRE HOUR was FILLED WITH OSCAR WORTHY, CHAIR-GRIPPING DRAMA?

Well hang onto your hats, because episode 9 kicks off with an event so exciting, so thrilling, so budget-bustingly huge it makes last week's drama festival look like the 2010 nativity play at Burrumbuttock primary school (which had to be cancelled halfway through act 1 when three Year 4s were hospitalised after one of the sheep accidentally ate some myrrh and attacked the manger).

Yes, the modelettes get A VISIT FROM SARAH MURDOCH.

Are you thrilled?

Of course, this prompts everyone in the room to start squealing as though they've just been asked to do an impression of a cat being stuffed into a sock.

"When she walked in it was really surreal, like 'What is Sarah doing here?'," chirps Izzy.

Yeah I mean, it's not like she's the host of the show or anything.

Is she, Dawson?

"Tonight is an opportunity for us to have a girls' night in..." says The Shiralee, as the modelettes squeal some more and run to the cabinet to fetch the shot glasses and Blue Curacao.

"...and talk about women's cancers," she finishes.

"Oh... greeeeat!"

Madeline glumly takes off her condom hat and Simon(e) puts away her "Pin the 'tail' on the man" party game as The Shiralee introduces them all to a breast cancer survivor who had a double mastectomy, a topic which is completely devoid of comedy and therefore shall be mentioned no further on this blog.

Suddenly The Shiralee interrupts all this merrymaking with the announcement that she has brought along "some extra girls" to make the night a bit more fun, which is coincidentally what Kevin Rudd's mates said to him just before they all got busted at Scores strip club in 2007.

"Look, there were only two of them. Unless you include Shaniqwa. So three, OK, there were three. Plus Lashawnda."

"All of us were hoping she didn't just mean Charlotte," says Madeline, unlike Charlotte, who couldn't think of a better way to spend her night than hang out with a bunch of boring teenagers.

"Yeah that sounds really fun. Can someone tighten this noose now, please?"

As it turns out, it's not Dawson and her crack team of female ninjas, but a bunch of the modelette's friends and relatives who have each brought "something special" to cheer them up. Sadly no one brings anything embarrassing, unless you count Monotona's sister who brings her a netball uniform...

Least useful present ever.

...and Liz's friend who brings a handwritten letter from Liz's boyfriend saying how much he missed her over the past few "weaks" but looks forward to every "Thrusday" when she calls him.

Liz's boyfriend.

"The past few weaks has made me realise there are more fish in the sea but there's only one fish I want and that's you," he writes.

Nothing like a seafood analogy to make a girl feel romantic.

The next 25 minutes is taken up with footage of all the girls bonding, laughing and then saying goodbye and crying set to emotional music, which is of course totally thrilling but I am too absorbed by a piece of lint on the carpet to pay attention.

Suddenly - SARAH MAIL - this time announcing the modelettes will be doing something "with trash".

But I thought Caroline had left already?

Somehow they all come to the conclusion that this means they will be dressing up like drag queens, something which pleases Simon(e), who has already done her makeup.


Instead they're all taken to the local dump where they are amazed to discover a talking Tuff Stuff gar-bag and a magical moving kangaroo carcass...

Oh no wait, it's just Dawson and that melted Ian Thorpe guy again.

...who inform them they'll all be doing a catwalk show modelling "outfits made from garbage".

Rachel secretly congratulates herself for coming pre-dressed for the challenge in a Glad bin liner.

Chic AND practical.

Totally rubbish catwalk challenge in a nutshell:

  • Despite having no problems being draped in dead animals in episode 7 Izzy suffers an ethical crisis when she learns more than 50 Barbie dolls were sacrificed for her shoes alone.

    Fashion kills.

  • Still, they're better than Liz's shoes which have clearly been made out of earwax collected from discarded Q-tips.

    Don't lick these, you'll regret it.

  • Madeline has a dead pigeon stapled to the side of her head, but because it was already dead before the stapling, she feels ethically OK about it.

    Vintage pigeon.

  • The modelettes get a good preview of what life will be like after this series finishes by being made to walk on a makeshift catwalk (ie: a few rolls of carpet) in the middle of The Strand arcade, dodging pensioners, mums with prams and bewildered shoppers while approximately three people actually pay attention to them.

  • Simon(e) is forced to wear a pair of pants made out of an orange plastic bag with RICE AND BEDDING AND MULCH written on it, which begs the question - WHAT THE HELL WAS ORIGINALLY IN THIS BAG?

Izzy wins and is granted $500 to give to her chosen charity, which is never actually revealed.

Hopefully it went to the Fix Izzy's Hair Fund. They need all the help they can get.

Back at the model mansion and the thrills just keep coming, with ANOTHER Sarah Mail.

"Another one! BUT WE NEVER GET MORE THAN ONE IN ONE DAY!" shouts Simon(e).

And there was rioting in the streets.

Amazingly the producers have found enough money in this week's budget to splash out on some high-tech special effects - a clipart picture of a paintbrush - leading the girls to believe they are all about to be bodypainted.

"Rachel's a pretty straight-laced conservative girl, I don't know if getting her kit off and getting painted is really her style," says Madeline. Because obviously getting naked and being covered in paint on national television in front of millions of viewers is only a problem if you're conservative.

Off they trundle to the studio where Bros confirms that yes, they will be stripped naked and rolled in pink paint for this week's shoot. Coincidentally, this is exactly what Kevin Rudd did in the back room at Scores strip club in 2007.

"I only did it twice."

Their male photographer tells them they'll be joined on set by some male models too, at which point this whole thing starts to feel rather Bill Henson-esque.

But then it's revealed they're allowed to wear nude-coloured bikinis, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief and start the PINK BITS CHALLENGE, IN A NUTSHELL:

  • "It felt really funny, it was all thick and weird, I can't describe it," says Simon(e) as she rolls around in the paint.

    I might just leave that thought there, actually.

  • Hazel looks like Estelle Getty made a strawberry smoothie and forgot to put the top on the blender:


  • Madeline's facial paint application resembles an odd pink beard, making her look like Dennis the drag queen after a long night singing karaoke in The Cross:

    "I love the nightlife..."

  • And everyone basically looks amazing, revealing that the best way to get the most out of models is to give them all exactly the same hair and makeup and throw Dulux at them.

And with that it's off to the elimination warehouse, where unwanted models are taken to the dump for sorting before being painted pink and turned into hideous outfits by first year students at the Gooloogong TAFE.

Let's picture bitch:

  • Simon(e) looks OH MY GOD THAT BODY SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. Actually, maybe it is - how old is she again?

  • Dawson says Simon(e) looks "expensive". About $500 an hour, I'd say - more if you want to pour the paint yourself.

  • Rachel looks like a wax figurine that's been left on a car dashboard on a sunny day:

    On the plus side, she's scored the cover of the latest "Malformed Monthly".

  • Izzy looks like a giant pink ninja fly-kicking a paparazzo in the face, and thus wins this week's Sean Penn Award for Services to Photographer Assault.

  • Dawson christens Hazel "Amazel". This is better than nickname the girls gave her last week, "Nasal".

  • Liz says the photo shoot reminded her "of being at kindy".

    Meanwhile, state education department staff launch an immediate investigation into Liz's former primary school.

As usual it comes down to two - Izzy the ninja and Madeline the drag queen.

Izzy's pink bits are declared more engaging, so Madeline is kicked to the curb - clearly her pink bits just weren't up to scratch.

"It's just been so tight," says The Shiralee.

Um, quite.

See you next week kids. In the meantime, check out the rest of my new-look blog, there's heaps of crazy crap on it, especially in this section.


GO BACK TO episode 8 ... OR GO FORTH TO episode 10


  1. They did announce Izzy's charity. She picked Dads in Distress.

  2. As always amazing!

  3. They did announce Izzy's chosen charity, it was dad's in distress, weren't you listening? Isn't that kind of your job though??

  4. Oh GOODNESS everyone, yes, I did hear them announce Izzy's charity at the end, I just liked my joke too much to change it. Not everything in these recaps is strictly what happens on the show IN OTHER BREAKING NEWS: Kevin Rudd did not ever roll around in pink paint in a New York strip club and Liz's school is not under investigation. Just in case you needed clarification.

  5. Izzy's chosen charity, it was dad's in distress, weren't you listening? Isn't that kind of your job though??

    Kind of uncalled for. Let's give the recapper credit for providing us entertainment and making this dreadful cycle a lot better, hey?

  6. 'Isn't that kind of your job though??'

    I'm not sure if she's obligated by contract. ; )