I really like Lady Gaga's new song,
The Theme from Flashdance Marry the Night, it's really original and unique and doesn't sound anything like What a Feeling by Irene Cara.
It also has a really
mind-numbingly boring quirky and exciting 14 minute video to go with it, which premiered on prime time TV here in America last night. Because event TV is for wusses, I didn't tune in. Instead I watched it online, because internet TV is for... well, geeks like me.
Anyway here are my minute-by-minute reactions to Lady Gaga's new video:
00:01: Pop the Pringles, we're off.
00:02: THIS THING IS 14 FUCKING MINUTES? Sigh. Get me another tube of Pringles.
00:12: Gaga's near death on a stretcher being wheeled through a hospital. Perhaps she has a head injury, as she's babbling incoherently about truth and reality and being an artist, kind of like those drunk guys you see on the subway.
00:26: Atoms and particles? Quantum physics? What the fuck is she on about?
00:38: "My past is an unfinished painting, and as the artist of that painting, I must fill in all the ugly holes." So what, she's going to time travel? This video might yet get interesting.
00:55: STYLE ALERT! Everyone in this picture is apparently wearing "next season Calvin Klein":
I worry for the fashion industry.
01:37: "That girl on the left ordered gummy bears and a knife a couple hours ago..." Gaga blathers.
02:07: A doctor who looks about 10 years older than Gaga bursts out of nowhere and says "I remember when I delivered you!". Have we already travelled back in time?
02:35: The doctor checks some scars on Gaga's back.
02:38: WHERE IS THE FUCKING MUSIC?
03:07: Now Gaga's crying, "I'm gonna be a star" she weeps in her hospital bed. Not with this pile of shit you won't, love.
04:47: Borrowed pop culture reference #336: Black Swan.
05:07: Now we're in an apartment, and a girl is putting Gaga to bed. Are they going to continue the Black Swan theme and show a bit of wild lesbian sex?
05:14: No, they aren't.
05:19: You would never get a principal role with a dodgy leg lift like that.
05:38: Now she's naked in bed on the phone, and there are French subtitles and WHERE THE HELL IS THE MUSIC?
06:03: She obviously got some bad news on the phone, because now she's rubbing records on her breasts and covering herself in Cheerios. No, really.
06:30: Now she's in the bath, dying her hair green. Still no sign of the actual song. What is this all about again? What's my name? What year is it?
07:04: Oh look, it's Madonna circa 1983!
07:49: Think I'll just run to the kitchen for some more Pringles.
08:15: Right then, what did I miss?
That's NOT how you do a bum press, Gaga!
08:30: So... she's crashed her car in the rain, and ended up hanging upside down out of the passenger side window? Explain THAT to your insurance company, Gaga. Meanwhile:
08:51: PRAISE BE TO JESUS, SOME MUSIC! Oh wait, false alarm - it's just the theme from Flashdance.
08:53: No, wait, it IS Marry the Night. Wow, what an original sounding tune! I like it.
09:06: Gaga lights up a fag (in this case meaning a cigarette, although in her videos you can never really be sure), guaranteeing a whole generation of tweens will get lung cancer. HOORAY!
09:30: FINALLY, some singing and dancing! You know, like in those old fashioned music videos of 2010!
09:43: "I'm gonna MARRY... THE NI-IIIGHT!"
She's going to have to marry that car if she continues with much more of that.
09:58: What the? Now we're in a 1980s dance studio? Where have the wrecked cars gone?
10:06: Is there supposed to be a story here? I think it goes like this: Gaga gets a partial lobotomy and suddenly believes she's more talented than she is, celebrates by driving fast along the freeway but crashes and suffers damage to what's left of her brain, thinks she's a backing dancer for Irene Cara.
10:27: WHAT A FEE... I mean, I'M GONNA MARRY THE NIGHT!
11:14: Now we're back with the burning cars again. Is Gaga hallucinating, or am I?
11:26: No, I am.
11:42: So... now she's... er... Right.
I officially have no idea what's happening anymore.
Nope. Really no idea.
12:27: Aw, a tribute to Heavy D, how nice.
Now that we've got a vid, what are we gonna do with it?
12:34: Gaga busts out a silent but deadly.
That girl on the left is feeling it. The one on the right got the full blast.
12:51: Which brings us to the last minute, a montage of Gaga's favourite things:
13:51: Pfft. Nearly 14 minutes and she didn't weld anything ONCE.
Should you wish to lose 14 minutes of your own life, here's the video: