Bland Canyon: November 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

New Year's Eve - when everything is impossible

There's a new Katherine Heigl film coming out in just over a week. That should be enough to get you to stay inside and keep your doors locked until Christmas, but if it isn't you should know that it also stars Ashton Kutcher, Lea Michele and Robert DeNiro. And as we all know, Bob doesn't do films like Taxi Driver and The Godfather anymore, he does shit like this:

I think it's safe to assume there was a "pussy" joke at some point here.

The film in question is called New Year's Eve, and it appears to be one of those piles of toss where five thousand celebrities get together as an "ensemble" cast to overact in 32 different plot lines that are ULTIMATELY ALL CONNECTED, OMG!

The tagline of the movie is "New Year's Eve: The one night anything is possible."

LOOK AT THAT STELLAR CAST! Wait, who are half of those people...?

Having lived through 30 new year's eves myself, I feel confident in saying this is the laziest and least accurate movie tagline ever. And that includes the one for Yogi Bear 3D which read "Great things come in bears".

Many "plushie" fetishists were disappointed by Yogi Bear 3D after seeing this poster.

In fact, NYE is the one night of the year where many ordinarily possible things actually become IMpossible. To wit:

ON NEW YEAR'S EVE IT IS ACTUALLY NOT POSSIBLE TO:

1. Get a cab at any point, from anywhere, to anywhere else, especially at 3am when you're totally rat-arsed.

2. Pay less than $10 for a drink.

3. Pash a stranger you won't regret touching in the morning.

4. Not lose half your group at the first club you visit.

5. Avoid an inappropriate touch, comment or something spilled on you by someone called Daz, Gaz, Shaz or Wayno.

6. Not feel a vague sense of disappointment no matter what you actually end up doing.

Any other suggestions? Leave 'em in the comments.

Australia: A boring bunch of twats

So Australia's end of year TV ratings are in, and the list of top 15 shows for 2011 proves something I've long suspected: we're boring as fuck.

According to ratings agency OzTam, the most popular show of 2011 was Australia's Got Talent, with an average weekly audience of 1.936 million.

That's about two million people a week who willingly tuned in to watch Kyle Sandilands interact with people like this:

Yes, I know I used to do Australian Idol recaps. THAT'S DIFFERENT.

When we weren't watching twats watching other twats sing, we were watching twats renovate houses (The Block comes in at number 4 on the list) and other twats cooking stuff (Masterchef dominates the list at 5, 6, 8, 9 and 12, with My Kitchen Rules at 13).

Throw in a few instances of The X Factor (more twats singing) and Dancing with the Stars (twats spinning around awkwardly in sequinned pants) and you've got a top 15 list which is 80 per cent comprised of reality TV. And not even inventive, interesting reality TV. Just the kind of reality TV where twats cook, and sing and renovate houses.

Only three shows in the top 15 are dramas - Downton Abbey at number 2, Packed to the Rafters at 3 and Underbelly Razorat 10. No comedies made the list.

Now, I've made no secret of my love of trashy reality TV, but even I can see there's something wrong with this picture. What does this say about Australia's TV watching culture?

More importantly, what does it say about our TV producing culture?

I think it says we're going to be getting a hell of a lot more of this:

5 best (& worst) New York Christmas windows 2011

Every November, retailers in New York get festive and decorate their shop windows for the coming Christmas season. But many go further than just putting up some tinsel and fake snow. Much, much further.

Window viewing is a holiday tradition in New York, and the best sights are undoubtedly on uber posh Fifth Avenue, home to the city's biggest and most luxurious department stores.

I took a sojourn up the strip, starting at the New York Public Library, to bring you my top five best and worst Fifth Avenue holiday windows. Let's start the countdown with...

THE WORST

5. SAKS FIFTH AVENUE

How the four friends laughed as Jennifer slipped in the snow and broke her leg.

Apart from the suggestion of major bodily injury, this is about as boring as one of those wood-boring insects that bores into things. I expected much more from this Fifth Avenue icon, which is why it makes the bottom five. Very disappointing.

4. H&M

Traditionally, Upper East Side women show festive cheer by sticking their arm out and looking to the left.

CELEBRATE THE SEASON. WEAR BLACK.

3. GUESS

Christmas menace.

An extra from Jersey Shore and a mugger in an anorak prepare to attack a severely under dressed drunk NYU student as she leaves a Christmas party. I think "the perfect gift" in this case would be a can of mace and a rape horn.

2. BOTTEGA VENETA

If you're wondering where someone would wear this ensemble at Christmas time, you're not rich enough to shop here.

I don't know where this bloke is, but it's certainly not New York at Christmas.

1. BANANA REPUBLIC

At first glance this looks like any other boring Christmas display - until you read the sticker on the window.

Pardon?

To quote Ferris Bueller's Day Off: So THAT'S how it is in their family.

Let's move on to....

THE BEST

5. SEPHORA

Simple, effective, beautiful - the makeup chain's window features an intricate cream and gold paper cut out of two girls in a forest full of snowflakes.

click pictures to launch gallery/enlarge

4. VAN CLEEF AND ARPELS

When I was little I had a fold-out, pop-up book that turned into an old-fashioned 19th century theatre, complete with ballerinas on a curtained stage and lavishly dressed people sitting in the balconies. Van Cleef and Arpels' five small windows remind me of that book, each one dressed to look like a miniature theatre with diamond necklaces and earrings dancing on the stage and silhouettes of fancily dressed people watching from the sidelines. Some played music and had moving parts for extra wow factor.

Watch the video of the Van Cleef and Arpels Christmas windows below:

3. HENRI BENDEL

One of the most original windows on the strip, the department store's delightfully mental display shows the Statue of Liberty come to life as a New York city party girl in high heels and a flowing robe made of jelly beans, walking her giant rein-dog up Fifth Avenue. Behind her is an apartment building, through the windows of which you can see tiny uptown girls drinking champagne and getting dressed to go out, all while Ella Fitzgerald sings Let's Take Manhattan.

click pictures to launch gallery/enlarge

2. TIFFANY

Just like their famed jewellery, Tiffany's windows prove small and intricate can be more interesting than big and bold. Framed by huge, brightly-coloured carousel pieces, each of the store's five windows contains a miniature diorama of various New York city scenes. There's a tiny spinning carousel - and also escaped carousel animals walking through Central Park - and a perfect winter streetscape of the shopfront itself.

click pictures to launch gallery/enlarge

Watch a video of Tiffany's Christmas windows below:

1. BERGDORF GOODMAN

The last store on Fifth Avenue before you reach the south eastern corner of Central Park, Bergdorf Goodman is famous for its holiday windows. And it's not hard to see why.

The less explanation the better - best just look at the photos.