RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The reality is: we still love reality TV

Aussies prefer drama to reality TV? Bollocks - it's all how you read the data.

After writing this blog recently on how Australia's end of year TV ratings were dominated - nay, verrily greased, spanked and whipped into submission - by reality shows I was quite surprised to read this story from today's Adelaide Advertiser: "The reality is, we prefer a good drama".

"Hooray," I thought. "We're not such boring thickos after all!"

Well, wait a minute.

The article cites figures from Roy Morgan Research that show that while three of the top five rating programs for the year were of the reality genre, viewers were most "engaged" with the two drama offerings - Downton Abbey and Packed to the Rafters.


"I will not stand for misleading ratings figures."


The article implies that although reality show Australia's Got Talent had the most viewers in 2011, Packed to the Rafters was actually more popular because "three quarters" of its audience said they specifically tuned in to watch it each week, whereas only "half" of AGT viewers did. More than 40 per cent of AGT viewers said they only watched the show "because someone else in their house did", or because there was "nothing better on".

Similarly, the article suggests that Downton Abbey was actually a more popular show than The Block for the same reason - more than 70 per cent of Downton Abbey viewers tuned in specifically to watch it, whereas only about half of The Block viewers did.

It can't have escaped attention that AGT, Rafters and Downton Abbey are all on Channel Seven, while The Block is on Channel Nine, although I'm not necessarily suggesting any bias here - the research only looked at the top five shows and three of those happen to be on Seven. So be it.

But I did note the article failed to mention that Ten's reality show Masterchef, the year's fifth most-watched show, had more than 60 per cent of its total viewership tuning in specifically to watch it. You can see this information in Roy Morgan's press release.

That's not a far cry from either Rafters (about 72 per cent) or Downton Abbey (about 73 per cent), the figures being used to support the argument that Australians are finding drama more "engaging" than reality TV.

Hmm.

And if you go by sheer numbers rather than percentages of audiences, many more people - almost double - tuned in specifically to watch Masterchef (2.86 million) than did Downton Abbey (1.9 million). Call me crazy, but I reckon a greater number of actual viewers might suggest Masterchef is a more popular show.

Furthermore, Masterchef performed well in Roy Morgan's third measure of "engagement": whether or not viewers would say they "really loved" a show.

Rafters was the most loved show, with 2.3 million viewers saying they "really loved" it, but Masterchef came in second with 1.75 million, streets ahead of the supposedly more popular Downton Abbey at 1.25 million.

So I guess the reality is the headline on the Advertiser's story - "Reality is, we prefer drama" - is a tad misleading.

And we really are still a nation of reality-TV-loving thickos, as suspected.

Australia gets Punk'd by Karl & Lisa

Is Channel Nine's 'Today' show faking YouTube "bloopers" for viral publicity?

Last week YouTube released a list of the top 10 most watched videos in Australia during 2011, and this moment from Channel Ten news Adelaide came in at number three:





Firstly - I'm going to take some of the credit for this, along with my former colleague Matt Gilbertson, as we were the first ones to get hold of the clip and feature it in our weekly "Sunday Bitch Slap" gossip video for Adelaidenow on February 12, 2011:



After the Bitch Slap got traction on news websites all over Australia and Heggen's gaffe made it on TV news all over the globe, Ten realised how funny the clip was and uploaded it to their own YouTube account - four days later - where it's now attracted more than 7 million views.

Heggen herself swore the gag wasn't a set up, but a genuine prank she decided to pull on Mark Aiston. The truth is immaterial now as the clip has been a viral success for Ten, which is all that really matters.

But this kind of free, fast-spreading publicity has clearly been too great for other networks to ignore. Whereas bloopers were once a source of great embarrassment for TV hosts and newsreaders, relegated to the in-house "Christmas reel" and hidden from the public eye at all costs, thanks to video sharing websites like YouTube and Buzzfeed they're now so valuable that networks are releasing them publicly.

And, I suspect in the case of Channel Nine's Today show, manufacturing them.


"Haw haw! I make $500,000 a year!" (source: Adelaidenow 2009)


Today launched its YouTube channel IWakeUpWithTODAY in January 2011, and since then has been steadily filling it with dubious on air "oops" moments like this one, from August:




Even Lisa Wilkinson looked like she didn't believe in that one.

Then there was this, from November, in which Karl Stefanovic "accidentally" steps into shot during Richard Wilkins' entertainment segment. And then stays there for the duration, laughing, like a true television professional would:




"I felt exactly like a rabbit feels when it crosses the road and they see the headlights and they know they can't do anything about it, I was frozen," he says.

Firstly - THE PHRASE IS "LIKE A RABBIT IN THE HEADLIGHTS", KARL. IT'S NOT THAT COMPLEX A POINT.

Secondly - sure, I believe that a gold Logie winning presenter with 17 years of television experience would feel like a rabbit in the headlights when caught on camera. Sure, why not?

Oh hang on, I know why not - BECAUSE IT'S COMPLETELY FAKE, THAT'S WHY NOT.

Luckily Karl is so natural and convincing, which is why he was able to pull this on air stunt in April:



Admittedly, that's less of a faked-up blooper and more like one-minute-seventeen of FOR GOD'S SAKE, HAVE A COLD SHOWER YOU PATHETIC MANCHILDREN.

But hey, it's viral content, right guys? Clickety clickety click! Doesn't matter if it's offensive, stilted and dumb! Clickety click!

Here's another clip from February in which Karl, a father of three, manages to turn a discussion about breast feeding into a juvenile joke about tits, and then clumsily drops a blatant innuendo about the "long stabby thing" he keeps by his bed to fend off intruders:



Despite this "blooper" being about as manufactured as Lisa and Georgie's smiles during this whole segment, Karl's long stabby thing got coverage pretty much everywhere. Here. And here. And here. And - oh well, just Google it.

David Koch's attempts over on Seven's rival program Sunrise are pathetic by comparison.:


Kochie, Kochie, Kochie. You can't just TALK about number twos. Be more like Karl and actually PRODUCE them on air. THAT'S viral content.

Hopefully this trend will die soon and the networks will realise that bloopers are only funny when they're ACTUAL bloopers, not sad attempts at innuendo by presenters who can barely suppress their smirks, like toddlers pretending not to have eaten all the easter eggs you thought you hid at the back of your wardrobe.

Bloopers like this:


Or this:

Or these:




What do you think? Has viral video killed the blooper reel?

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Supermarket smackdown: America vs Australia

Our local supermarket here in Manhattan is just like our one back home in Australia - if our supermarket back home took crazy pills and was actually located on another planet.

For one thing, our new supermarket is full of cheerful, smiling staff who stop to chat to you and offer you help, rather than surly, bored teenagers who look at you as though you've just asked them to write a 2000 word essay, even if you've only asked where the toilet paper is.

"Hi miss, do you need any assistance today?" said a cheery young man in a visor as I stared at various punnets of ice cream yesterday, trying to find the fat and sugar free version. (TIP: That doesn't exist in America).

"Er... no thanks, I'll be fine," I said, a bit taken aback, accustomed as I am to the Australian version of customer service, ie: none at all.

"OK well my name's Dion, and if you need any assistance today you can just ask me."

BLOW. ME. DOWN.

Not only that, my new supermarket sells bison:


When you have a visiting chief to feed.


You can't tell me that's not impressive. I've got no idea how to cook it, but I rather fancy the idea of making a bison burger. And then eating it while wearing fur.

Our new supermarket is so great, even Australian indie musicians are launching new product lines in it:


Where would I go, what would I do...?


Although they're perhaps not all that on top of their labelling system:


Sure, glazed apples are meat, whatever.


Hang about, isn't Bob Evans vegetarian? That rather stuffs up my plans for this new packaging:


It would have been such a big seller.


Our American supermarket also has four self-service checkouts so you can scan your own items and nick stuff more easily, plus they sell live lobsters out of an aquarium in the deli section. (TIP: don't try and combine these two things, it only ends in pain.)

But the final argument for why our new American supermarket is much cooler than our old Aussie one:


They're not just ANY lemons. They're FANCY.

Monday, December 19, 2011

My date with The Daily Show's Jon Stewart

You know how they say the camera adds 10 pounds? I think it also adds about 20cm in height.

Almost everyone I've met from television (with the exception of Bondi Vet Chris Brown, who is enormous) has been surprisingly petite. Former Australian Idol co-host James Mathieson is so tiny he is almost birdlike. Good News Week's Paul McDermott looks like a toy version of his TV self. And I've never met Matt Preston but I assume in real life he probably resembles an underfed jockey.

Which is why I shouldn't have been surprised last week when I saw Jon Stewart bound out onto the set of The Daily Show and barely clear the desk.


Still definitely would, though.


I was at a live taping of the satirical American news program inside Comedy Central's “World News Headquarters” in Manhattan's midtown-west, a cold, windy, bedraggled district perched on the banks of the Hudson River.

Getting into the hugely popular taping had been a feat in itself, taking months of organisation and an entire afternoon queuing for tickets in near-Arctic conditions. Such was my determination to see Stewart, a super-sharp (and super handsome) political comedian (whose charms I have written about in lustful tones before).

Clearly I wasn't the only crazy fan. An hour before show time a young female producer addressed the waiting crowd with the rules of the taping: no food or drink, no toilet breaks and no creepy questions for Jon.

“If it sounds creepy in your head, it's going to sound 200 times creepier in front of a studio audience,” she warned.

I immediately abandoned my marriage proposal plan.

After being hustled through a series of airport-style security gates we finally made it into the small studio. And out bounded small Jon.

According to website CelebrityHeights.com (god bless the unemployed, who have time to create such resources) he is just 167cm tall. This rather put a dent in my romantic fantasies, until the show began and I realised why I still love him.

Stewart's enthusiasm, both for comedy and politics, is even more obvious in person. During our taping he got so involved in his interview with a Republican strategist he extended it through the adbreak to make it available on The Daily Show website. Later, while watching a pre-recorded piece one of his “reporters” had done, he was thumping the desk with laughter.

During a Q&A session with the audience, which didn't make it on the show, one person asked Stewart why he didn't serve free pizza and soft drinks for his audience like Jerry Springer did.

Another asked him what he'd change about the American government.

“So this is the divide I have to bridge with this audience – how would you change the US political system, and where's the frickin' pizza?” he joked.

Funnily enough, that divide is exactly what The Daily Show does bridge in every episode. It blends informed political discussion with silly humour, making it the perfect blend of high and lowbrow, accessible by everyone.

Plus it has a spunky host. What more could you want?

This article was originally published in the Adelaide Sunday Mail's TV guide on December 18, 2011.

Sorry, 'Angry Boys' just isn't funny

Aussie comedian/ writer/ actor/ director Chris Lilley's show Angry Boys premieres on HBO next Sunday (January 1).

Given his last series, Summer Heights High, did reasonably well with American audiences, there's already been a fair bit of hype.

I'll be very interested to see how Angry Boys fares in America, particularly with regard to Lilley "blacking up" to portray an African American rapper. But mostly I'm interested to see if people find it funny, because I certainly didn't when it premiered in Australia earlier this year.



Having not laughed once in the first two episodes, I initially thought I just
didn’t "get" Angry Boys. That was confusing, because I’ve always loved the understated mockumentary humour and character work Lilley previously did so well in We Can Be Heroes and Summer Heights High.


Not a boy. Not angry. Not funny.


Angry Boys is basically a third instalment of those shows, using the same sort of humour and even some of the same characters. So why isn’t it funny?

While Lilley’s previous shows both had a sharp focus that made them believable as "documentaries" – We Can Be Heroes followed five nominees on the path to the Australian of the Year awards in Canberra, while Summer Heights High was a fly-on-the-wall look at life in a public school – Angry Boys feels more like a random collection of character-based sketches.

It’s made with the feel of a documentary but, apart from a loose connection between each of the characters, it seems to lack a thread to pull all the parts together.

Where is it all going? Even the title doesn’t really make sense. What is it supposed to be about?

The fine balance of silliness and realism that Lilley got so bang-on in his previous shows is also awkwardly handled in Angry Boys.

On one hand you’ve got American rapper S.Mouse with his hit song "Poo on You", which is so ridiculous as to be completely unbelievable, and on the other you’ve got prison warden Gran, whose interactions with her juvenile detainees seem so close to real life, they’re more heart-rending than humorous. I almost cried at the end of episode two, for goodness sake.

Call me crazy, but I just couldn’t laugh at a victim of child abuse spending his first frightened night in jail.


How will American audiences react to Lilley donning "black face" for his portrayal of rapper S. Mouse?


Then again, maybe I wasn’t supposed to. Lilley has played with that sort of jarring comedy before. Many viewers were shocked when Pat died on We Can Be Heroes, in what was a truly emotional moment definitely not designed for laughs.

So you have to wonder if this type of awkward, unsettling, realist humour is what Lilley really wants to do, and if involvement from greater commercial interests such as co-producers HBO and the BBC have ruined the mix somewhat. If you’re trying to sell to new mainstream markets in the US and England, maybe you have to throw in the odd poo joke, not to mention the odd American character – so people understand you.

The problem is this weird blend of silliness and ultra-realism makes Angry Boys feel like a cross between something like Fast Forward and Australian Story – an awkward combination.

Lilley’s magnetic screen presence and incredible characterisations mean there’s still something fascinating about Angry Boys but if it’s a comedy, it’s certainly not as we know it.

An edited version of this article was originally published in the Adelaide Sunday Mail's TV Guide, on May 29, 2011.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

11 cool famous dudes in uncool Christmas outfits

This week Matt Damon sent bloggers into overdrive by appearing on the US Today show in an extremely dodgy Christmas-themed knitted vest:


Still would.

But I'm not sure why anyone was really all that surprised.

Damon's not the first cool, famous guy to ever don gay apparel for the holiday season. Let's not forget:

JIMI HENDRIX


Jimi Hendrix wants to come down your chimney.

The world's greatest guitarist and one of the coolest musicians who ever lived dressed up as Santa for this 1967 photo shoot. He was probably high.

SNOOP DOGG


"Mizzle Chrizzle, ma nizzle, fo' shizzle."


Only Snoop could wear a giant knitted jumper with a snowman and love hearts on it and still look like he could kill you. Meanwhile, it's obvious that snowman is smoking Christmas chronic.

JAY Z


It's ya boy - S to the C!


Jay Z is loved by the entire city of New York. He's married to the hottest pop star in the world and is about to become a dad to one of the world's coolest children. He is human kryptonite to the cool-reducing powers of the Santa hat.

BOB DYLAN


"Who the hell are you supposed to be?"


Bob Dylan is so cool, he released the world's worst Christmas album, AND dressed up as Hobo Claus in his music video, and people still think he's one of the coolest musicians in history.

RYAN GOSLING


"Hello. Would you like to turn me on?"


I haven't got a Christmas tree this year, I've got a Gosling. It looks really good in the corner of the room.

JAMES FRANCO


"Hello. Would you like to unwrap me?"


I haven't got Christmas presents this year, I've just got a Franco to put under my Gosling.

KANYE WEST


"Ima let you finish, but this is one of the best jumpers of all time."

While mere mortals are instantly reduced to dag status in the very presence of a knitted Christmas jumper, Kanye manages to actually put one on and still look pretty awesome. Then again, he's proved he can also wear a woman's shirt on stage and still look cool, so he's probably not actually human.

DAVID BECKHAM


"Should I have bought that matching sock and tie set?"


It's generally agreed upon that Becks is a pretty cool dude, until he opens his mouth and says something. Or wears a natty Christmas jumper like this. Still, you would, wouldn't you?

FLEA


"Give presents away, give 'em away now!"


One of the best bass players ever, Flea loses absolutely no cool points for hitting the stage with the Red Hot Chili Peppers dressed as the jolly man in red. Although it is slightly disappointing that he didn't just opt for a Christmas stocking on his wang instead.

And finally:

JAKE GYLLENHAAL


Mmmnnghh.


Merry. Fucking. Christmas.

Overheard at the bagel cart

Ordering breakfast at the bagel cart on my corner this morning were three young, female students from the university dorm down the street.

Let's say they looked like this:


Just your normal, every day university students.


After ordering their various bagels and egg sandwiches, their conversation went like this:

GIRL 1: Oh my god this cart is so great.

GIRL 2: I LOVE this cart.

GIRL 3: Me too.

CART GUY: You want hot sauce?

GIRL 1: Yeah, hot sauce is great.

GIRL 2: I LOVE hot sauce.

GIRL 3: Me too.

CART GUY: You want mayo?

GIRL 1: Yeah, I like mayo.

GIRL 2: Oh my god I LOVE mayo.

GIRL 3: Oh my god me too!


Then they took their breakfast and walked back to their dorm, probably to read more Foucault and Derrida and chat about other condiments they like.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I'm not so Gaga over the Lady anymore

I defended her when she wore that dress made of meat.

I rallied against people who claimed she was “just another Madonna clone”.

I even applauded when she arrived at the Grammy Awards in an egg and claimed she'd been “incubating” in it for three days.

But after what I saw this week, I just can't take it anymore. I'm officially handing in my Lady Gaga fan club membership. And it's all because of a lollipop.


Sure, fine, whatever.


Let me backtrack a few years. In 2009, just before she became a mega huge pop star, Lady Gaga was the support act for the Pussycat Dolls at the Adelaide Entertainment Centre.

Back then Gaga only had a couple of hits and I barely knew who she was. I was there to review the Pussycat Dolls, but ended up writing the whole article about her.

I remember watching this platinum-haired pixie storming around the stage in a crazy mirrored frock and go-go boots, belting out these super-glossy future-pop songs on a piano, only to be followed by the spray-tanned, silicon-enhanced stripshow of the Pussycat Dolls.

They looked like they'd stepped out of a cheap men's magazine. She looked like a pop star girls could be inspired by. My admiration for her was instant.

She wasn't just a weirdly-dressed spectacle with catchy tunes; she preached a message of acceptance, empowerment, self-love and positivity. No matter your ethnicity, sexuality or appearance, everyone was welcome at the temple of Gaga.

But this week I saw the true temple of Gaga - Gaga's Workshop – and her booming dance music was barely audible over the sound of cash registers ringing.

Gaga's Workshop is a special, limited time only “pop-up boutique” that launched last month in New York department store Barney's. It looks like Adelaide's Magic Cave as designed by Willy Wonka and Andy Warhol, and is filled with every type of Lady Gaga merchandise you can imagine.



And I mean EVERY type. Snow globes, stuffed toys, bath foam, sunglasses, T shirts, keyrings, playing cards, candles, yo-yos, handbags, teacups, iPhone stickers, tape measures (yes, really), hair bows made out of real hair and $575 children's leather jackets with “GAGA” emblazoned on the back in glitter. I felt like I'd walked inside a giant Lady Gaga showbag.

But it wasn't until I spied the lollipop painted to look like the star's face the irony hit me like a studded-glove smack to the face – WE were the suckers.

Here we all were, embracing Lady Gaga's “love thyself” philosophy and celebrating being “born this way”, while simultaneously being sold vastly overpriced lipstick and hair pieces. Not to mention bits of plastic manufactured in China for presumably a fraction of Gaga's price tag. I guess it's easier to feel good about the way you're born if it's not into a poor family in Guangzhou.

Things weren't just overpriced, they were ABSURDLY overpriced. A single gingerbread cookie painted with Gaga's face was $18. A plastic Christmas ornament in her likeness was $25. One pair of plastic goggles clumsily covered in black lace and superglue was $295. I imagined a team of workers sitting in the storeroom with glue guns and bedazzlers, tearing open boxes of cheap crap from China and having a huge laugh.


Seriously, now? $18?


The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth – worse than the one I imagine you'd get if you actually tried to eat her $25 “rock candy earrings” - and I left without buying anything.

Gaga has announced that 25 per cent of proceeds from the Workshop will go to her new Born This Way Foundation which, according to its website, is “a movement to build a brave new world where humanity is embraced, individuals are empowered, and intolerance is eliminated”. Whatever that might mean.

There's been a lot of press about the foundation focusing on anti-bullying strategies, although there's been no hint of what that might actually involve. Perhaps all will become clear when the organisation is officially launched in 2012. When it does, it certainly won't be lacking in funds.

In the meantime, I'll try to get over my shattered love affair with Lady Gaga. Let's call it a bad romance.

---

You might also be interested in reading my dissection of Lady Gaga's latest music video for Marry the Night.

This article was originally published in the Adelaide Sunday Mail's Sunday liftout on December 10, 2011.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

A peek inside Lady Gaga's Workshop

Apologies if I seem a little Gaga obsessed lately, it's just that a) I find it difficult to ignore someone who's seemingly captured the zeitgeist and b) she's been troubling me a bit lately, testing my admiration of her and such.

I felt immensely let down this week by her new Marry the Night video, which was ultimately a pastiche of artistically shot vignettes pretending to have a deeper storyline. It was confusing, derivative, and most disappointingly, boring. Rather like the song.

And then I visited "Gaga's Workshop" at Barney's department store, where the star has taken over a section of the fifth floor to... well, I didn't know what. Until I went in, and realised her "workshop" is more like a "sweatshop" - at least, it looks like half the items in there have been made in one. From keyrings, to snowdomes, chocolates and Christmas tree ornaments, there is nothing Gaga has not put her name (and a hefty price tag) on.

I know that 25 per cent of proceeds are going to the singer's Born This Way Foundation, an organisation that supposedly supports "youth empowerment and equality by addressing issues like self-confidence, well-being, anti-bullying, mentoring and career development". Whatever that means - 75 per cent of the proceeds are still going somewhere else. I'd assume that's to Gaga's wallet.

I'm writing my Sunday Mail column on it this week, so you can wait until then to read all about it. In the meantime, here's a video I shot of Gaga's Workshop.



I'd be interested to hear from other Lady Gaga fans - what do you think of the star? Has your opinion of her changed over the years?

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Lady Gaga's Flashdance flashback kinda sucks

I really like Lady Gaga's new song, The Theme from Flashdance Marry the Night, it's really original and unique and doesn't sound anything like What a Feeling by Irene Cara.

It also has a really mind-numbingly boring quirky and exciting 14 minute video to go with it, which premiered on prime time TV here in America last night. Because event TV is for wusses, I didn't tune in. Instead I watched it online, because internet TV is for... well, geeks like me.

Anyway here are my minute-by-minute reactions to Lady Gaga's new video:

00:01: Pop the Pringles, we're off.

00:02: THIS THING IS 14 FUCKING MINUTES? Sigh. Get me another tube of Pringles.

00:12: Gaga's near death on a stretcher being wheeled through a hospital. Perhaps she has a head injury, as she's babbling incoherently about truth and reality and being an artist, kind of like those drunk guys you see on the subway.



00:26: Atoms and particles? Quantum physics? What the fuck is she on about?

00:38: "My past is an unfinished painting, and as the artist of that painting, I must fill in all the ugly holes." So what, she's going to time travel? This video might yet get interesting.

00:55: STYLE ALERT! Everyone in this picture is apparently wearing "next season Calvin Klein":


I worry for the fashion industry.

01:37: "That girl on the left ordered gummy bears and a knife a couple hours ago..." Gaga blathers.


02:07: A doctor who looks about 10 years older than Gaga bursts out of nowhere and says "I remember when I delivered you!". Have we already travelled back in time?

02:35: The doctor checks some scars on Gaga's back.

02:38: WHERE IS THE FUCKING MUSIC?

03:07: Now Gaga's crying, "I'm gonna be a star" she weeps in her hospital bed. Not with this pile of shit you won't, love.


04:47: Borrowed pop culture reference #336: Black Swan.


05:07: Now we're in an apartment, and a girl is putting Gaga to bed. Are they going to continue the Black Swan theme and show a bit of wild lesbian sex?

05:14: No, they aren't.

05:19: You would never get a principal role with a dodgy leg lift like that.


05:38: Now she's naked in bed on the phone, and there are French subtitles and WHERE THE HELL IS THE MUSIC?


06:03: She obviously got some bad news on the phone, because now she's rubbing records on her breasts and covering herself in Cheerios. No, really.


06:30: Now she's in the bath, dying her hair green. Still no sign of the actual song. What is this all about again? What's my name? What year is it?

07:04: Oh look, it's Madonna circa 1983!


07:49: Think I'll just run to the kitchen for some more Pringles.

08:15: Right then, what did I miss?


That's NOT how you do a bum press, Gaga!

08:30: So... she's crashed her car in the rain, and ended up hanging upside down out of the passenger side window? Explain THAT to your insurance company, Gaga. Meanwhile:


08:51: PRAISE BE TO JESUS, SOME MUSIC! Oh wait, false alarm - it's just the theme from Flashdance.

08:53: No, wait, it IS Marry the Night. Wow, what an original sounding tune! I like it.

09:06: Gaga lights up a fag (in this case meaning a cigarette, although in her videos you can never really be sure), guaranteeing a whole generation of tweens will get lung cancer. HOORAY!

09:30: FINALLY, some singing and dancing! You know, like in those old fashioned music videos of 2010!

09:43: "I'm gonna MARRY... THE NI-IIIGHT!"


She's going to have to marry that car if she continues with much more of that.

09:58: What the? Now we're in a 1980s dance studio? Where have the wrecked cars gone?

10:06: Is there supposed to be a story here? I think it goes like this: Gaga gets a partial lobotomy and suddenly believes she's more talented than she is, celebrates by driving fast along the freeway but crashes and suffers damage to what's left of her brain, thinks she's a backing dancer for Irene Cara.

10:27: WHAT A FEE... I mean, I'M GONNA MARRY THE NIGHT!


11:14: Now we're back with the burning cars again. Is Gaga hallucinating, or am I?

11:26: No, I am.

11:42: So... now she's... er... Right.


I officially have no idea what's happening anymore.

11:51:


Nope. Really no idea.

12:27: Aw, a tribute to Heavy D, how nice.


Now that we've got a vid, what are we gonna do with it?

12:34: Gaga busts out a silent but deadly.


That girl on the left is feeling it. The one on the right got the full blast.

12:51: Which brings us to the last minute, a montage of Gaga's favourite things:












13:51: Pfft. Nearly 14 minutes and she didn't weld anything ONCE.

Should you wish to lose 14 minutes of your own life, here's the video: