Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Bachelor episode recap: S16 E3

Having left the bright lights of the Sonoma cheese shop behind, the Benchelor takes his harem to his home town of San Francisco where HANG ON, WHO IS THIS BITCH?

Oh, right.

Thank goodness, it's just his sister. I thought "The Women" (as Ben lovingly refers to them) might have had some extra competition to worry about there. LET'S HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.*

*Note: It might happen again in about 35 minutes.

Julia, who is no doubt extremely proud of her brother for signing up to be a man whore on national television, asks the Benchelor how things are going and gives what might be the best response ever when he tells her "the girls are incredible":


She also gives the correct response when told that "There's one girl called Lindzi, she rode in on a horse":


Ben's startling lack of perception and understanding of women is evidenced again when he tells his sister "There's a model called Courtney, you would really love her".

Ben goes on to describe Emily the epidemiologist as "a science nerd", as opposed to AN ACTUAL SCIENTIST, and Jennifer as "an accountant - but she's super attractive".

"Just because you work with maths doesn't mean you have to be unsexy!"

After two minutes with Julia we realise she is far too sane to take up much more screen time so we quickly exit to some posh hotel where The Women are squealing about nothing in particular and drinking iced tea.

KIDDING! They're drinking champagne, of course. What do you think this is, normal everyday life where people don't drink alcohol first thing in the morning?

Someone accidentally rubs an old, dusty bottle of pinot grigio and out pops Chris Harrison in a puff of smoke to give a speech that will ensure The Women go batshit crazy over the Benchelor for the rest of the episode.

"When you get time with Ben, wherever it is, take advantage of it - it might be the only time you get before the next rose ceremony," he advises, as The Women narrow their eyes and start sharpening their claws.

Actual image from The Bachelor producers' storyboard for episode 3.

Chris announces Emily the epidemiologist (aka the one wot knows about science and that) has been chosen for the first solo date of the day.

"There are a thousand things going through my mind," she says, which is a nice change from all the other women who typically only have one or two things in their mind.

"Does smiling like this make me look prettier and more vulnerable, or just drunk?"

"I wonder if Chris Harrison is single."

"I hope no one's noticed that I look like Patti Stanger."

"Who the fuck am I?"

"I'm sure the date with Emily will be boring," shrugs every female viewer's favourite contestant, Courtney the model.

"Some of these women are really well educated but, and I always say this, 'book smart' can be a little boring."

Right on, Courtney. Just TALKING about books makes me fall asleep, which is why my head hit the keyboard three seconds after this and I only woke up in time to see Emily running towards Ben on a pier as he exclaimed "I've been in every nook and cranny!". I can only assume he was talking about Blakely.

Then he announces they're going to be climbing up San Francisco's Bay Bridge, because crapping your pants in fear while having your crotch bruised to hell by a harness is the perfect way to spend a first date.

"This is all about diving headfirst into the unknown," says Ben, displaying a worrying lack of understanding of how to climb a bridge.

"If Emily and I can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge together, there's no telling how far we can take this relationship."

I'd say about THAT far.

"I feel like I want to die," gasps Emily, which is not unlike something I'd say if forced to go on a date with Ben, bridge or no bridge.

Emily braces herself and starts the slow trek up the side of the bridge with nothing but a couple of wires to break her fall, as I stare slack jawed at the TV and squeak "Are you serious?"

This chick better get a fucking BUNCH of roses at the end of this, for real. How one manages to remain charming, attractive and personable while clinging to a carabiner for dear life I do not know.

Honestly, they're REALLY going to the top? The TOP, top?

Just to reassess: Courtney went on a picnic, Kacie B got dinner and a movie and Emily gets to strap on a fluoro safety vest and hard hat and climb to her potential death. Just making sure you got that.

Meanwhile back at the Casa di Chardonnay, The Women are just hanging out doing the usual - you know, mapping the trajectory of the planets with their telescope - when they miraculously spots Ben and Emily 10km away on the side of the bridge.

"I can't see them, it's so dark outside! Are they near the big TASCO sign or what?"

"Oh no, but Emily's afraid of heights!" they all chirpily enthuse.


Back on the bridge, Emily's freaking out and refusing to move any further so The Benchelor does the only thing he knows how and kisses her.

Sadly, Emily doesn't fear-vomit into his mouth but kisses him back, and because Ben's saliva is some sort of magic elixir that cures all anxiety she dutifully resumes her charge up the bridge of death, all the while quipping metaphors about how bridges and near fatal experiences are just like relationships.

They finally get to the top, they hug, no one dies, it's magical.

Yeah great, but now you have to get down.

"If we can accomplish this, there's nothing we can't do together," grins the Benchelor, echoing the sentiments of bridge maintenance workers the world over.

"Hey Bob, wanna get married?"

After an afternoon of almost dying, they pop off to dinner where Emily admirably eschews drinking an entire bottle of whisky for a sensible glass of wine.

Strangely, this doesn't stop her from telling Ben all about the time she almost dated her brother on the internet.

Despite this admission of near incest, Ben gives her a rose, pashes her and sets off at least $25 worth of fireworks. Result.

Back at Pinot Grigio HQ, The Women are trying to decipher the Benchelor's latest group date invitation.

"It says 'let's cross something off our leap list', what do y'all think that means?" drawls Kacie B.

Here's hoping it involves another bridge.

As it turns out it involves "snow skiing", in the middle of San Francisco, in summer. Cue Tim Allen "whuh?" sound effect. SKIING? ON SNOW? IN SUMMER? IN THE CITY? BEN, YOU SO KER-RAZY!

They all pile in to Ben's whizz bang super car, which is so technologically advanced it is basically Knightrider's KITT on steroids. Check out the amazing "wallpaper" feature:


Ben shows just how super incredible this feature is by pressing about 57 buttons and navigating through 13 different menus to change the photo to Blakely.

"I'd rather see Rachel's picture," sniffs Monica, who seems to have forgotten what happened in episode 1.

I guess we can't blame her, there WERE about 26 bottles of pinot involved in the lead up to this moment.

They finally reach their destination, where Ben reveals that the top item on his "leap list" has always been to cordon off a city street, cover it with trucked-in snow in the middle of summer and piss off an entire block of residents by "skiing" down it all day.

Everyone was thrilled to lose their parking space for a day, because it was for TV.

They all promptly take off their clothes, strap on skis and begin THE STUPIDEST GROUP DATE EVER, YES, EVEN STUPIDER THAN THAT KIDS' PLAY THEY DID IN EPISODE 2.


"Everyone is stopping and staring, it's the weirdest feeling ever," says Monica, who seems confused as to why blokes are suddenly congregating on their roofs with eskys full of beer.

Attention Monica: This might be why.

Meanwhile, back at Goon Mansion the Benchelor's latest solo date invitation has arrived - it's for Brittney, who will obviously be going on a tour of San Francisco's kitschiest tourist spots, as heralded by the crappy souvenir Ben included with the envelope.

So, Alcatraz then?

Because there hasn't been any drama in this episode since Emily almost fell off that bridge and killed herself, the producers decide to create some by getting Brittney to speculate that she might not have a good time on her date with Ben.

After the shock waves have dissipated and the paramedics have finished reviving all those who spontaneously fainted at this awesome announcement everyone commences a period of awkwardly smiling at each other, much like amateur actors do in a stage play when someone's forgotten their lines. This is possibly because they ARE amateur actors who have forgotten their lines.

Staged? This? Nooooo. OK, maybe.

"Wow, a date, I didn't see that coming," says Brittney, while desperately trying to look as though she hadn't read all about it in the script the producers gave her the day before.

"You guys are going to have an awesome time, you're both... so cool," ventures Emily, before shouting "PROMPT!"

We leave the Women's Temperance Union Amateur Dramatics Society there for a moment to catch up again with Ben and The Women, who by now have finished showing their arses to innocent San Franciscan bystanders and are sinking piss at a tiki bar.

Well, Kacie B isn't. Instead she takes The Benchelor outside to whinge to him.

"It's hard to see you with other women," she complains.

"All you have to do is just focus on that beautiful evening that we had," says Ben, before finishing with "And try to forget that you're the last thing on my mind when I'm pashing 16 other women every episode."

"Whatever, babe. Now go make me a sandwich."

Back at the Chardonnay Players' opening night performance of their new show "Brittney's Struggle", Brittney is explaining her decision to - DUN DUN DUNNNNN! - leave the house.

"These circumstances are not for me, I really don't want to be in a house with 25 girls," she says, which is totally understandable given that she elected to be on a TV show in which 25 girls share a house.

"I didn't know what I was getting myself into," Brittney says as she packs her bags, which is fair enough because The Bachelor has only been on for 16 SEASONS.

As Brittney begins her sad walk back to a normal, breakfast cocktail-free life, we head back to the tiki bar where Blakely has discovered the one thing that's sure to turn any many on - bitching about other women.

"They all HATE me, they're very spiteful and very jealous," she spits.

"Tell me more, I just LOVE hearing about your problems."

"What I would truly hate is for this to be too hard for any of the girls to the point where they might leave," says The Benchelor, which is A TRULY AMAZING COINCIDENCE because look - here comes Brittney up the garden path with her travel bag for Act 3 of "Brittney's Struggle".


Brittney buggers off home, Ben gives the group date rose to Rachel the hoarse voiced (as opposed to Lindzi the horse lover and Blakely the horse faced) and we all move on to the second solo date, otherwise known as the "you were my second choice after Brittney" date.

This time it's with Lindzi, who Ben clearly thinks is 10 years old as their first stop is an ice cream shop followed by a tour of City Hall. Which is locked up for the night, natch, but Ben has a key. Double natch.

"I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS, BUT HE'S KIND OF AMAZING," gushes Lindzi, as though Ben is just a normal guy who always carries around a key to San Francisco's City Hall on his keyring and isn't actually on a TV show.

Once inside the weirdest date ever gets weirder when a group of leather-clad men jump out of nowhere and start shrieking. I hope it's a band of Californian ninjas come to steal Ben's key to City Hall, and that there's a lot of POW!-ing and THWACK!-ing to follow. But no, it's just some band I've never heard of.

"That's right, I'm being paid a shitload for this."

After 10 minutes of awkward dancing Ben and Lindzi head to a speakeasy bar where Ben raps on the door and mutters "a horse of course" through the keyhole. I assumed he was just describing Lindzi to the bouncer but it turns out that's the password to get in. Clubs these days!

They make their way to the back for dinner where it becomes obvious not only that they've enjoyed more than their fair share of pre dinner drinks, but that neither of them has seen a bottle of shampoo in some time.

It won't happen overnight, but... no actually, it probably won't ever happen.

United by their mutual disdain for hair products Ben and Lindzi kiss, he gives her a rose and, because they've only danced awkwardly in one crazy place tonight, he takes her to a piano sales showroom to waltz to David Gray.

"That one over there comes with a free stool and a 24 months interest free payment plan."

Meanwhile, is anyone else like... ew?

Sales of Zovirax have skyrocketed since the beginning of this episode.

"I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING THAT COULD RUIN TONIGHT!" gushes Lindzi, giving the world's biggest cue for something to come and ruin tonight.

Remember how earlier I said The Women might face some extra competition this episode? THAT.

"Here's to a positive, drama free night!" smiles Courtney, clinking glasses with everyone at the rose ceremony, giving the world's second biggest cue for something to come and bring some serious drama.

Cue theme from Jaws.

But first: it's rose ceremony time which means there's some serious boob heaving, teeth flashing, hair flicking and general sucking up to do in the pre-ceremony drinks fest. In a very large nutshell (like say, a Brazil nut):

  • Having not scored a date this episode, Jennifer launches into a military grade charm offensive at about DEFCON 12, heaving and flashing and flicking all over the place - but sadly misses out on any sucking, up or otherwise.

  • Meanwhile, the mysterious steering wheel hands of death get closer...



    Oh. It's just "Shawntel", a loser from a previous season of The Bachelor.

  • "My feelings for Ben are very strong," says Shawntel, who can say this unequivocally as she's seen Ben on television.

  • While Shawntel gets ready to crash the party and cause total mayhem, Ben and Nikki play a round of sexy trivia with the question "Garden path or back alley?"


  • "Nikki bless your heart you're so sweet, but YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT," scoffs Courtney The Model, before attacking Lindzi for looking "up and down" at another girl. The irony of this seems to escape her.

  • As usual, Ben takes Courtney upstairs to tell her how wonderful she is at exactly the same time as everyone else is dissecting just how horrible she is in the other room. Ben is SO perceptive.

  • "I don't feel threatened by ANY of the other girls here," smugs Courtney, mere seconds before Shawntel waltzes through the room on her attack mission.

    Countdown to Courtney's melt down in 10... 9... 8...

  • Even Lady Gaga is all "WTF?"

    And she's not easily surprised.

  • All The Women undergo a rapid process of ghetto-fication, waving their fingers around and saying things like "BITCH NO YOU DI'NT!" as Shawntel busts up to the Benchelor and sits him down for a private chat.

    Toooootally private.

  • Having not seen Shawntel's previous season of The Bachelor I am completely confused as to who she is and why she wants to join the show again, or how Ben even knows her save for off the television. So let's ignore all of that and just watch the other women's reactions to her arrival:

    It's like a really bitchy Brady Bunch.

  • Angry that their group of 16 strangers is now a group of 17 strangers, The Women become what is known in scientific circles as "batshit insane" for reasons that are not entirely clear.

    "This STRANGER just walks in, it's unfair!" says Rachel. Because obviously the rest of them are all such close friends now, having known each other for at least a week.

    "Well her thighs are thicker than mine, that makes me happy," says some girl I have honestly never seen before. (So you know, her thighs might be thicker but at least people remember her name... Just sayin'.)

    "BRAD REJECTED YOU, MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE YOU LOSER!" helpfully suggests Elyse, who has clearly had training as a counsellor.

    "WE DON'T WANT TO RE-USE BRAD'S DUMPSTER TRASH!" shouts RuPaul, who obviously still hasn't found his way to the Drag Race set yet.

    "YOU'RE A CREEPER AND YOU DRAIN PEOPLE'S BLOOD FOR A LIVING!" shrieks Rachel, which rather silences all other conversation.

  • CUE COURTNEY'S MELTDOWN: "I watched him talk with this girl and I'd just rather check out now I DON'T NEED TO FIND LOVE LIKE THIS!" she wails.

    It's lucky she's so well adjusted.

  • "So Shawntel rides in on her high hearse, no pun intended," says Nikki, who rather misses the point of what a pun is.

  • Chardonnay Mansion has been consumed by a veritable tsunami of tears and tantrums, with virtually every woman freaking out on a nuclear level for no real reason. Time for Chris Harrison to appear and sort this shit out.

    He makes problems go away.

  • Chris hands out some Valium, tells everyone to calm the fuck down, and demands an immediate rose ceremony. Good call.

  • Clearly Ben has taken some psychotropic drugs to get over the stress of Shawntelgate, as he gives the first rose to Courtney, who then pretends she doesn't want to accept it.

    "Tonight was heavy for me; I saw you talking to whats-her-butt and it was not easy," says a drunk six year old who has accidentally wandered near the microphone. Oh no wait, that's Courtney's voice.

  • "On a scale of one to 10 I feel like I'm going to throw up," says Jaclyn, inventing a brand new numeric system that's sure to take off.

  • "If Ben chooses Shawntel over me, it will not be pretty," she continues.

    I think I'll leave that one there.

  • We get to the final rose and Chris Harrison's valium is obviously starting to wear off as The Women are getting shrill again and starting to beat each other with their shoes. Can we hurry this along?

    "Before we go any further I'd just like to say a few things," says The Benchelor.

    "FUCK," yells someone in the back row, which is possibly the most intelligent thing anyone's said all night.

  • As soon as The Benchelor begins his speech, Erica passes out and falls to the ground, putting the final nail in the coffin of Ben's future career as a motivational speaker.

  • Everyone stands around and watches as Erica lies on the floor, saying helpful things like "Your lips are turning blue!" and "Do you need some orange juice?". Fortunately Emily the epidemiologist is there to confirm that she doesn't have a disease.

    "Nope, it's definitely not ebola."

Finally Erica recovers from her fake fainting disorder and gathers herself for the final rose showdown with Jaclyn, who kind of looks like a bloke, and Shawntel, whose name kind of sounds like a bloke.

Will Erica's trip into the unconscious be enough to trigger Ben's empathy switch?

Will Jaclyn's threat of physical violence, and sheer muscle mass to make that threat a reality, be enough to frighten Ben into voting for him her?

Will Shawntel, who drove across the country to proposition a guy she's never even met, score a rose by managing to be the LEAST crazy motherfucker in this show?

They're all so tempting, it's hard to choose.

As it turns out, it IS too hard to choose - so Ben decides to dump all three of them and keep his rose for his nightstand.

Good call, Ben.

Shawntel runs away crying, Jaclyn storms off to the toilets to angrily adjust her codpiece while Erica collapses again, spewing forth torrents of tears, but the true indicator that things are awry in the house is this:

Is that... WATER?

Join me tomorrow for a recap of episode four of BATSHIT CRAY-CRAY!


Go back and read Episode 2 | Go on ahead and read Episode 4

1 comment :

  1. Reading all your blog recaps..they are so funny! Love em! You should do Home Sweet Alabama also