Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Bachelor episode recap: S16E1

Ever since Australia's Next Top Model finished in October, there's been a hole in my life.

The kind of hole that can only be filled by making sarcastic jokes on the internet about skinny girls doing stupid things in crazy outfits. Preferably on a Monday night.

What LUCK then that ABC America has started screening season 16 of The Bachelor, a show that's pretty much the last word on skinny, stupid and crazy.


Well, almost. The skinny part, anyway.



So in the spirit of my ANTM and Australian Idol recaps, I bring you: THE BACHELOR SEASON 16 - THE RECAPPENING.


He has no idea what he's in for.

So apparently this year's Bachelor is San Francisco winemaker Ben Flajnik (pictured above), a reject from last year's series of The Bachelorette who proposed to some bird in the final episode only to be turned down in front of an audience of millions. If you feel like watching the exact moment a man's heart breaks while his dignity simultaneously exits his soul, you can find the clip on YouTube.

But now Ben's back and ready for love, and by god he's going to find it (or at least a semi decent shag) because now he's THE BACHELOR, lord of the singles in the Kingdom of Crazyland, with 25 women all vying for his attention.

He's obviously a catch, because he wears a suit even when in a dinghy in the middle of the ocean...


...can count up to 10 just by staring at his bare feet for a few minutes...


...does manly things like occasionally carry a big wooden pole around...


...and keeps hookers locked up in a metal container in his backyard.


Wait, no, sorry, I just made that last one up. Pity though, because that would have made for a really exciting twist in the final episode!

"I've never juggled 25 women," Ben says, revealing one of the few talents he doesn't possess.


Fortunately, he CAN look wistful in the countryside while putting his hands in his pockets.

He can also canoe naked.

Let's meet some of these women, shall we?

There's Lindzi HORSE from HORSE Seattle, who's HORSE really into HORSE horses. Did I mention she liked horses? I feel like that's going to be pertinent later on. Anyway poor Lindzi is looking for a new cowboy to saddle up with after her last one broke up with her by the following text message:


I really wish I could say I'd come up with this, but it's for real.

And then there's Lyndsie (same name, different stupid spelling) who comes from London and drives a sports car with her name on the side in case she forgets which one is hers when she parks at WalMart:


Sadly, her career as a criminal getaway driver was short lived.

Then there's Amber, a "critical care nurse" who has a neat way of ensuring continuing business:


"ARE YOU HURT? CRITICALLY? GOOD."

She promises to bring Ben home to Nebraska for some "beef nuts" which look a lot like KFC but are actually fried bull testicles.


So pretty much exactly like KFC, then.

And there's Nikki whose hobbies include jogging, getting married and cow sitting:


Maybe don't stand too close to Amber.

And Courtney, who likes to spy on people on the beach:


"Oh yeah, put your sun lotion on, yeah, gotta be sun smart these days... ooh..."

And Jenna, who is a "blogger" from New York.

Pfft. Get a real job, Jenna.


It's funny how similar "blogging" is to "checking Facebook while getting drunk in the afternoon".

Jenna apparently writes about love and relationships, which must make for interesting reading as she describes dating as "a constant battle in my head".

"I'm taking charge and I never will stop until I get what I want. Ben, I'm coming for you," she says ominously.

In other news:


"Have you seen this boy?"

There's also Shawn, who not only is named after a bloke but has a five year old child who will no doubt really enjoy the 16 weeks at grandma's house while mum flaunts herself on national television.

And then there's the one Ben will actually propose to in the end - Jamie, who raised her four younger siblings in a trailer with no money after both her parents disappeared somehow (aliens?) and is now a nurse with very pretty hair.


I'm calling it - EPISODE ONE, NOTE THAT DOWN, BITCHES.

Enough of all these montages, it's time for a night of cocktails, canapes and crazy - THE FIRST NIGHT PARTY.

The Benchelor is there, looking weirdly like a cross between Chachi, Ted from Bill and Ted and your Year 11 formal date.


"WA WA WA, EXCELLENT!"

He bangs on a bit about his emotions and relationships and his dead dad and hummingbirds and you know, it's all rather boring, which probably explains why host Chris Harrison looks like this for most of it:


"Hummingbirds, WTF?"

But then the crazy parade starts - a seemingly endless cavalcade of girls in bad prom dresses spouting weird catchphrases and anecdotes at the Benchelor in an effort to "make an impression" on the way into the party.

Now, I don't know where in the outer lying regions of taste some of these women found their dresses, but I think it's safe to say there are some stars of the adult entertainment industry shivering naked somewhere in the world tonight.









Suddenly a dark brown object launches itself out of the limo and onto the Benchelor. OH GOD, IS ONE OF THE ALIENS THAT STOLE JAMIE'S PARENTS COME TO FINISH THE JOB?

No, it's Amber Bacon.

"My name is AMBER and my last name is BACON, my friends call me THE BACONATOR," says Amber Bacon.

In other news:


"Have you seen this meat product?"

"DO YOU LIKE BACON? COME ON. DO YOU WANT A TASTE? A SAMPLE? IT'S CANADIAN BACON!" she shrieks as the Benchelor awkwardly kisses her hand.

Funny, Amber thinks her friends call her "The Baconator" because of her last name, and not because of her pork-coloured, fried skin.

Then there's Elyse who is apparently a personal trainer but forgets to mention this, so her parting words - "Make sure you find me later, I'm going to make you sweat a little bit," - are more ominous than sexy.

Gosh, Jenna looks angelic and completely sane, doesn't she?


She's not.

"I love what you said last season, how good things end badly," she says, before burying her face in her hands and beginning what proves to be the downward spiral of her sanity that lasts the rest of the episode.

"I mean... good things don't end unless they end badly. I screwed it up. But I want YOU to know that... it's a good thing and... it doesn't have to end. Yeah. Yeah."


Your new favourite character.

Next up is Courtney the over-confident who bowls up to the Benchelor, calls him "cutie pie", touches his hair seductively and then slurs "I'M A MODELLLL". Yeah, we hate Courtney.

Then OH MY GOD IT'S LEANN RIMES! Oh no wait, it's just some PhD student. Pfft.


You can try to resist, try to hide from my kiss...

Actually, it's possibly best you do try to hide from Emily's kiss as she's an epidemiologist and studies the transfer of disease.

"I have something to give you," she tells the Benchelor, and I secretly hope she means herpes.

She squeezes some anti bacterial gel on his hands (no, seriously, she does) and then announces she's going to give him "the first kiss of the night". I still hope this means she's going to give him herpes. (Just quietly: why did she need to disinfect his hands before kissing him? What did she think he was going to do with them?)(Actually, don't answer that.)

Suddenly it's Samantha, who for some reason thinks wearing a sash reading "Miss Pacific Palisades" will fill the Benchelor with lust.


If only she had a texta and some white-out she could transform that thing into something that really would get his attention:


There stands a winner.

Then there's Casey who zzzzzzz%^$2gyddwy7w. Sorry, fell asleep on my keyboard for a second there. Must be Casey's electric personality.

Next out of the limo is this hat which, annoyingly, hasn't been able to rid itself of its host body for the evening.


"I would SO have a chance with this guy if this bug eyed freak would just take me off for one second."

Hopefully the Benchelor can look past that and see the hat's inner beauty.

"This hat is a clue as to where I'm from!" chirps the hat lady.


Enter Shira, an actress of undisclosed age.

"Ask me about wine, I know EVERRRRYYYYTHING about wine," she slurs, suggesting that she at least knows how to drink it.

Speaking of wine, the Benchelor's going to need some for our next bachelorette - 72-year-old Sheryl, who's thoughtfully brought her own transportation:


"There's a story behind this!" she laughs.

Please GOD let the story be that she is a contestant on the show.

"I watched the show all last season," she says.


Yes...?

"And I fell madly in love with you," she continues.


Yeeeess...?


"I know you're a family person, and so am I," she continues.


YEEESSS...?

"And in that limo is my granddaughter Brittney, and I would love to have her meet you."


This.

"I love grandmas," sighs the Benchelor as he watches Sheryl hobble into the party. So maybe she DOES have a chance.

But then in walks Nicki the pretty brunette dental hygienist from Texas. She looks like a real contender - until she starts talking. At Nicki's clinic the dentist doesn't use a drill, he just gets Nicki to stand in the corner and read the newspaper out loud.

Remember Londoner Lyndsie with the personalised sports car? Turns out she's not just a prat with a stupid car, she also a prat who writes bad poems.

"I'm hoping to find my knight in shining armour, and hopefully I'll find it in this gorgeous great farmer AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she shouts while giving him a boyish punch in the stomach.


Things that blokes find sexy #334: Loud chicks who write comedy poems and punch them.

Now meet Jennifer the accountant, who decides the best way to introduce herself is by telling the Benchelor how many times she's been arrested. Zero times, as it turns out. What a conversation starter.

Best in show goes to 25-year-old student Anna who either a) has no idea where she is or b) couldn't give less of a shit about Ben as she walks straight past him into the party saying nothing at all.


"What? This is how I normally get into parties."


A few more women turn up including one who announces she misses her dog, another who looks frighteningly like Debra Messing and another who clearly doesn't have any future plans for Ben at all:


"What, marriage? Oh well, you know, if YOU'RE into it..."


Meanwhile, Brittney's nanna is a total hit inside at the party, impressing all the girls:






Suddenly, there's a clip-clopping of hooves and then, emerging from the darkness it's... it's... OH MY GOD, IT'S A HALF HORSE, HALF WOMAN!


Fuck.

"Nice horse!" the Benchelor yells, which makes a nice change from his usual choice of animal when yelling things out at strange women.

And with that, the parade of the damned is over and it's time to move inside where the 2012 Squished Breast and Shiny Dress Festival is in full swing.

Of course by this time about six hours have passed and the producers have had to call for reinforcements of pinot grigio:


Lucky they deliver late night.

Hat lady has fallen asleep in the corner, LeAnn Rimes is setting up the karaoke while Brittney's nanna is telling stories about the war after having drunk all the sherry - it's the perfect time for the Benchelor to steal out with Rachel, who wastes no time in asking if he's found his future wife yet. Well, he HAS been at the party for at least 10 minutes, come on.

"I won't go the wifey thing until I'm down on one knee," he says in what appears to be English but can't be confirmed.


Because that went so well last time.

Enter Nicki, the human dentist drill from Texas.

"I YAM SEW BUBBLY, LAFE'S TEW SHAWRT TA BE SERIOUS ALL THE TAHM!" she drawls.

"That's the thing, um... *ahem* you go through all these little, er... tragedies in life and it kind of makes you just, um..." struggles Ben, while Nicki glows and bubbles and drills away.

"HE IS HONEST HE'S GENUINE HE'S SINCERE HE IS EVERYTHING THAT I WOULD WANT IN A MAN!" trills Nicki.

Did I mention that Nicki is divorced at 26? I can't think why that marriage didn't work out.

Enter Lindzi, who starts talking about horses AGAIN. Well, she said "I used to ride to make a living", so I ASSUME that's what she was talking about.

Then she announces she "tried to make wine" once by squishing store-bought grapes with her feet.


Meanwhile, inside, all the women are totally convinced that Brittney bringing her grandma is a masterstroke of strategic planning. Because we all know how impressed young, single men are by women who appreciate their elders.


Sadly it appears that, at some point during the party, Brittney has been replaced by a wax figurine, so nanna Sheryl has to do her talking for her.


"Er, is there a string I need to pull or something?"

I might not be an expert on these things, but I feel that if the best thing your date can think of to say to you is "Lovely grandma!", you might not be doing so well.

Suddenly - the floor shakes, the heavens roar, all the windows blow open and in walks Chris Harrison WITH THE FIRST IMPRESSIONS ROSE.

"Woah, the first impressions rose is stressful," says the Benchelor.


This rose - which will save the recipient from elimination - is to be given to the girl who has impressed Ben the most so far.

Everyone's trying their best to get noticed - Shawn gets out a soccer ball and starts kicking it to Ben (well it IS called a BALL gown), Dianna blindfolds him and feeds him lollies one by one (no, really) and in a drastically misjudged attempt at flirtation, Elyse forces him to do push ups.

Even the hat has stepped up its game:


"WEAR ME, WEAR ME HARD!"

But nothing compares to LeAnn Rimes the epidemiologist who performs a rap about diseases. She describes this as showcasing her "gangsta" side.

"Love is like disease, always spreading, you can get it from a friend, you can get it at a wedding," she stammers, while the Benchelor reacts in the only way possible.


I feel you, bro.

Oh hi, Courtney. Are you still a model?

"I'm at a point in my life where I'm a model, I travel the world," she says, before reminding us again that she's a model.

"I'm a nice, normal, Italian-American, Scottish, Native American," she continues.

"I'm Italian Slovenian..." starts Ben, under the misbelief that Courtney actually cares.

"You have great hair," she interrupts, purely to hear her own voice again.

"You have great hair too," he says, thus concluding The Most Poignant Conversation Of The Evening.

With the pinot grigio stocks running dangerously low, and the women starting to turn dangerously mellow, it's time to inject some crazy back into this party. You know who to turn to.


No, not her.


Not her either, but good choice.


Yep.

"YOU don't feel ANYTHING for Ben at ALL? NOTHING?" Jenna shrieks at statuesque blonde Monica, outraged that someone feels indifferent towards someone else after meeting them for approximately three minutes.

"Do you not feel the urge to GO HOME? What keeps you HERE?" she continues, before slagging "THERE ARE WOMEN WHO AREN'T HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS! I AM NOT HERE TO PARTY!"


As it turns out, there are two things keeping Monica there, and they're both stuck to Blakeley's chest:


"Her teeth, her beauty, her eyes - GOD!" gasps Monica as she drapes herself over Blakeley.

"If you're the only thing I get out of this then I have LIVED!" she says in vaguely Shakespearean fashion.

It's certainly unorthodox behaviour but you have to hand it to Monica - she's found a novel way to pick up women. Monica, we salute your resourcefulness. Jenna doesn't, though.


"She's making me CRY, and she is SMILING. What human being is like that, who can make someone cry and smile? It makes me SICK," Jenna says, glaring at Monica while hooking up a new bottle of pinot grigio to her IV drip.

"I don't want to be drama!" Jenna wails as she hands her ticket to the conductor on the bus to Crazytown.

But it's too late. The Battle of Jenna and Monica has begun, a war so fiercely fought it will be the subject of books, plays and puppet shows for decades to come.

"I feel like you don't like me," Jenna spits at Monica.

"We're both women, we're both here..." says Monica.

"MAYBE WE CAN SHARE A TAMPON SOME TIME!" yells Jenna, in what might well be the best way to shut down any argument ever.

"No one's EVER talked to me like that," Jenna weeps, I assume referring to Monica's description of her as a woman. That WAS harsh.

"I can't deal with this, I try to be nice, and they're not nice to me," Jenna blathers, I assume referring to how she accused Monica of being fake with no emotions.

"I will NOT cry because that girl does not deserve ANY TEARS," Jenna continues.


Fortunately she's feeling better by the time the Benchelor rolls around (who? Oh right, that guy), enough to impress him with this rousing speech:

"I just feel like you, but, no, that makes us, if we could be more nervous but you could, we could all be more nervous but the way you're calm like, we're like so nervous but calmness in a little bit, so it helps us."


Succinct.

"I'm hoping Jenna can find the strength and stick this out," reads Ben off the script one of the producers has handed to him. This bitch is getting a rose if it kills them.

Jenna locks herself in the toilet to cry and talk to herself (it's marginally more interesting than talking to Ben), Ben gives the first impressions rose to Lindzi (well, she did ride in on a horse for christ's sake) and after 13 hours and 2700 litres of pinot grigio we are finally ready to roll on in to the rose ceremony, otherwise known as the Annual Duck Face Convention:




Sadly there's no wine left, so Monica grabs Jenna and wrings her out into an empty bottle just in time to see Jamie get the first rose.


WHAT DID I DAMN WELL SAY?

Some more girls get roses, then some more, and then the huge mystery of whether crazy psycho Jenna who's the only good reason to watch this show will get a rose is concluded WHEN SHE GETS A ROSE.


This girl is not impressed.

For some reason, everyone is suprised. HAVE THEY NEVER WATCHED REALITY TV BEFORE? In a totally shocking move, Monica also gets a rose, ensuring round two of the Battle of Jonica.

Tonight's rejects include: the loopy Londoner, the silent student, the premature bride, the killer nurse and Canadian Bacon. Maybe he's vegetarian?

Until next week, let's give the final word to our favourite new blogger:


---

SCREW THIS ROSE CEREMONY, LET'S READ Episode 2.



4 comments :

  1. Genius. I'm booking a flight to the US just so I can watch this series. Although, perhaps I'm best to save my cash and just watch it through your eyes - far more entertaining.

    Seriously, you just can't make shit like that up can you?

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  2. After reading your AusNTM recaps lo these many seasons, I could not be more thrilled to see you aiming your daggers at the weekly convention of crazy we know as "The Bachelor." I know you're Not Here To Make Friends, but you're totally Taking This Show To The Next Level for me, and I hope you have an aMAAAAAAzing journey recapping it.

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  3. Well, ABlogOfTheirOwn, The Bachelor is a show that's very Near And Dear To My Heart. Also, I Know What I Want And I Go After It. So when I saw it was coming back to television I thought I'd Step Up My Game and recap it.

    PS: Episode 2 is up now...

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  4. I'm so happy you're blogging another quality reality tv series! I was going to suggest Ultimate Gamer but that's long finished. Onwards to episode 2!

    ReplyDelete