Tuesday, February 07, 2012

The Bachelor episode recap: S16 E6

I hope you're sitting down for this because, and I'm just going to come right out and say it: this was the craziest episode of The Bachelor so far. Crazier than the time they climbed that bridge and called it a "date". Crazier than the time they skiied down the street in their bikinis and called it "fun". Crazier than Jenna the blogger on six bottles of Pinot Grigio.


CRAZIER THAN THIS.


There's boob flashing, crazy crying, awkward sex lessons - there's SCRAPBOOKING, for god's sake.

Grab a glass of wine, get comfortable, and get ready for the express ride to Weirdville...

The past few weeks has seen The Bachelor slowly morph into The Amazing Race with Ben and The Women zipping all over the place from Sonoma to Puerto Rico - last week we even got to see Courtney's map of Tassie. This week they're in bloody Panama.

Fortunately the producers still have a vague understanding of why we're all watching this show, which is why they've chosen to put everyone up in the city's most sexually suggestive building:



"Welcome to Twat Towers ladies, you'll be staying in the Clitoral Suite."

All The Women are mega excited to be staying inside a giant vajayjay for a week, not to mention the producers who can finally rest easy knowing scaredy-cat Ben will be forced inside at least one giant vagina this season.

"It will be great to go skinny dipping this week," muses Courtney as she looks out the window of the big bajingo onto the swimming pool.

Meanwhile, my brain explodes at the thought of people watching Courtney's hoo-hoo from the windows of a monolothic minge. That's meta. Meta minge.

Suddenly another giant twat arrives:


I think we can safely say this is the first time in a long time that Ben has unloaded his bags into a giant muff.

With the huge clam fully loaded it's time for the first solo date which this week goes to Kacie B.

With any luck the dates will be beaver-themed like their accommodation.

"Will our love survive? Pack three things," says the date card.


"I don't think I can fit three things IN there..."

Fortunately Kacie B is allowed to bring a bag on her date, so all the Kegel exercises she spent the night doing go to waste. America, meanwhile, holds its collective breath to find out what three things she brought with her.


But it looks like "pants" isn't one of them.

"Today we're going on a helicopter," announces Ben.

TIME FOR A FUN BACHELOR GAME: Guess what happens next!

  • Kacie B says "Oh, that will be fun, just like the last 13 times on this show already," and calmly climbs into the helicopter.


  • Kacie B says "Great, I really loved the other 37 times we've flown in helicopters on this show," and quietly steps into the helicopter.


  • Kacie B screams like a mental patient because she's forgotten the other 72 times she's already been in a helicopter on this show.



"There's the canal," says The Benchelor, pointing out the window at what may or may not be a sewage treatment plant.

Sadly he resists the temptation to tell Kacie B all about the "far canal", which would have been more entertaining.

Ben announces they're flying to the deserted "Sand Blast" island, which sounds only marginally more fun than spending a week inside a concrete snatch. I hope they're going to spend the day cleaning graffiti off palm trees with heavy industrial cleaning equipment, but then they land and I see the caption on screen is actually "San Blas". Bugger.

Even the helicopter pilot can't stand their irritating grinning and hand holding, so buggers off and leaves them there.


Suddenly, the two are stranded. Abandoned. Left entirely alone on an uninhabited island in the Caribbean Sea. Alone except for a camera crew, three producers and a catering division.

Not content with morphing into The Amazing Race, the show suddenly takes a left turn and becomes Survivor, with Ben and Kacie B forced to rely on their wits to survive.

Better see what three life-saving items Kacie B brought with her:

1. A stuffed monkey.


Well done.

2. A corkscrew.


To open those funny fruits from the Pinot Grigio trees!

3. A bag of candy.

I think it's safe to say that Kacie B would be the first one eliminated at Tribal Council.

Fortunately for her though, The Benchelor is super impressed with her pathetic assortment of survival items, exclaiming "OOOH A CORKSCREW! NICE!"

Ladies, when your date thinks the most exciting thing you can do is bring a corkscrew out of your handbag, you might want to consider seeing other people. Or at least consider not picking up men from AA anymore.

In order to hide her terror at spending a full day on a deserted island with a recovering alcoholic, Kacie B spends the rest of this segment pretending to be retarded by laughing maniacally at everything Ben says.


"I brought this machete to murder you with."
"AHAHAHAHAHA!"



"And then I'm going to wrap your body up in this fishing net."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHA!"



"This is what I'll be doing to your head later."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAAAAAAA!"

"Today has been great - we're providing for each other, and we can make it on our own," says Kacie B, whose idea of "making it" is obviously less about living in the real world and more about harvesting coconuts and eating candy on a deserted island.

After a thrilling afternoon of eating candy, coconuts and the one fish the producers thoughtfully threw into their net, they head back to town for dinner and dull conversation about "things Kacie B likes to do". It was all pretty complex, so I've drawn it up into this Venn diagram for you:


As you can see, it was a scintillating discussion that went on for hours.

Surprisingly, even after these stellar conversation starters from Kacie B, the two don't have much to say and spend much of dinner holding hands and staring awkwardly at each other.


Meanwhile back at the mansion, the new date card arrives just as Lindzi is getting some free TV publicity for her new business venture, denim underpants:


Even Courtney is impressed.

"It's probably either a group date or, my biggest fear, a two-on-one," says Emily.


Emily. PhD student. Unaware of the double meaning of "two-on-one".


A whole bunch of girls are going on the next group date leaving just Blakely and Rachel which means - cue thrilling music - BLAKELY AND RACHEL WILL BE INVOLVED IN A TWO-ON-ONE WITH BEN.


I tried to find a funny picture to use here by Googling the phrase "two on one". That's why I'm using this picture of a puppy instead.

Because Rachel has half a brain she realises that on a date with two women and only one rose, there's a 50 per cent chance she could be going home tonight, not to mention 100 per cent chance of awkwardness.

Blakely, however, is still a Hooters waitress.


"But I get to spend 50 per cent more time with Ben! Right? I'M EXCITED!"

We leave the intelligence festival to head back to La Trattoria di Boringo, where Ben and Kacie B's conversation has reached new heights of mediocrity.

"How are you my dear?" sighs Ben, who has apparently just turned into an 82 year old woman. Maybe he'll offer her some tea next and get her to rub his cankles.


"Can I go back to the giant poontang now?"

"Are there significant points in time that have shaped you to get to this place?" asks Ben in what might be the least charming, flirtatious or interesting conversation starter ever.

Bored beyond belief, Kacie B digs deep and pulls out the biggest conversational gun in her arsenal: revealing she had an eating disorder in high school.


He truly has a way with the ladies.

Meanwhile, across the seas you can faintly hear everyone back at the mansion yelling "YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL, YOU KNOW."


"Speaking of eating disorders, should we stare at our dinner a bit more or just continue ignoring it altogether?"

"Kacie B's eating disorder was a monumental moment that made her who she is today and it makes me like her even more," says Ben before adding "ALSO BECAUSE SHE'S NOT FAT, AM I RIGHT GUYS?"

Kacie B's spectacularly unimpressive sob story earns her a rose. She manages to avoid eating it, but she does throw up as soon as she gets back from her date with Ben. Understandable.

Let's move on to the group date which this week is being held in one of Panama's most romantic places - a muddy river in the rain.

Unhappy at the over representation of vulvic symbolism in this episode, Ben decides to restore the balance by bringing along his own phallic symbol to the date:


"WANNA RIDE?"

Predictably enough, Courtney is impressed.


"It didn't look like THAT in Puerto Rico."

But not so impressed that she forgets to whinge about something.

"This is my third group date and I'm over it," she slags, oblivious to the fact that Ben is deathly afraid of being alone with her in case she gets naked again and wants to touch him on his special place.

"What's so impressive about Ben is he's such a man's man, driving this boat right on shore is like riding a bike to him," gushes Jamie, who apparently doesn't suspect that a winemaker from Sonoma might not intuitively know how to drive a Panamanian longboat, and might have just learned it from a tour guide half an hour before.

Meanwhile: who could think of a more wonderful thing to do on a date than bail out a leaky canoe in the middle of the jungle?


"Can you pass that bucket? I need to spew in it."

Suddenly the group comes across a Totally Authentic Tribe of Native Panamanians TM who have all gladly swapped their regular outfits for loincloths and head dresses in exchange for beer and cigarettes from the show's producers.

"This is the biggest language barrier I've ever come across in my life," gasps Lindzi. Clearly she never spent much time with Jenna.


A reminder.

All The Women are given bead necklaces. Courtney chooses to wear hers as a top, because we just haven't seen enough of her naked body yet, and thus makes ABC's overworked and underpaid editing guy the happiest man in the universe. Again.


"Well SOMEONE left their headlights on."

Then she reveals she's also taken her knickers off, because that's what you do when you're visiting a tourist attraction like Embera Village, or The Louvre, or Disneyland.

Even the village kids are like "Lady, have some class."


"Our elders told us this day would come. Now we must sacrifice you to our god."

Then out steps Ben in a beaded loincloth and all The Women start whooping and hollering as though Brad Pitt had just started a strip show in the village square, rather than the reality of a pasty, slightly flabby white man standing awkwardly in an embarrassing skirt.


If you can be out-cooled by a midget George Lopez impersonator in a skirt, you should just give up on life.

They're all handed bowls of paint and somehow resist the urge to throw them all at Courtney, instead opting to paint tattoos on each other.

Courtney, an algebra expert, shows off her massive brain by writing a complicated mathematics equation on Ben's back:


This is how Einstein got started too.

Unfortunately her reputation as a genius is undone just five minutes later when her tiny brain falls out her ear and she has to get it back in.


"I hate it when this happens."

They wrap up the day with a quick boogie to Embera Village's answer to the Beatles...


He's big in Panama.

...and because no one has had any alcohol for at least three hours it's time for a cocktail party back at the Big Vagina. Or, as she's sometimes known, Courtney.

Ben drags Lindzi the horse lover off for a quiet chat and a noisy kiss (seriously, what is with the kissing sound effects on this show? Are they really coming through the mics or is there a whole division set up in ABC's audio department where guys smack watermelons and apply suction cups to jelly pudding all day to get the sound effects as disgusting as possible?)

Back at the 600 Foot Tall Snatch Kacie B is reading out the date card for Blakely and Rachel's impending two-on-one.


Happy place, happy place...

"Two girls, one rose," she reads, which is only marginally better than that other similarly-titled internet video you showed your nana that one time.


"ISN'T THIS ILLEGAL?"

This is either an unfortunate coincidence, or the rose ceremony is going to get a whole lot more interesting this week.

Best head back to the group date, where the conversation has turned to Courtney's scandalous bare-breasted antics.

"She certainly knows how to get a guy's attention," gushes Jamie, as if taking your top off and flashing your boobs is some great secret of attracting men that only a select few women know.

Courtney, meanwhile, is growing bored of not being exclusively worshipped by Ben every 30 seconds and so resurrects her "I'm losing sight of us" trick from episode 4 which as we all know translates as "Give me a rose, motherfucker".

Ben is confused. Because Ben is a moron.


Also, this.

Realising her whingeing isn't working this time, Courtney is forced to change tack and so launches into Operation Desperado.

"I'm in room 1611 if you've had a long day, we can just lay there and be quiet for 15 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever, it doesn't have to be skinny dipping, you know where I'm staying if you wanna," says Courtney in the manner of a woman who normally doesn't have to beg to be slept with and is starting to grow confused as to why she's still talking.


Translation: I want to boof you.

Under pressure to get a rose, good girl Jamie decides tonight is the night to get her slut on.

"I'm just gonna kiss him!" she announces triumphantly, striding off to get cosy with Ben.

Sadly, she is out slutted by the queen of the sluts, Courtney, who saunters into the background in her white bikini and takes a leisurely swim while Ben and Jamie tacitly agree to pretend she isn't flashing her bits at everyone.


"Nope. Can't even see her, or her tits."

"How do you feel about me?" says Jamie.


"Um..."

"I've definitely told you numerous times the great qualities I see in you," she continues.


"Uh huh."

"I just get so nervous around you..."


"Mm, good."

"But I really genuinely like you a lot, I think you're a great person..."


"Hmm? Half past two."

Ben wraps up his in-depth conversation with Jamie with a heartfelt "Lovely to tits you, Courtney," and moves on to Emily who tells him she's in love with someone called "The Chief". Apparently this is a joke, as Ben laughs and gasps incredulously "You're FUNNY" (well, she IS a woman) but I have no idea what she was referring to. Can any Americans explain?

As is so often the case, Emily has an epiphany after talking to Ben except this time it's not about how she's wasting her life on some oily-haired twat, it's that she should end the battle of Emily and Courtney which began in episode 4. Darn, and that tapestry was almost completed too.

So she apologises to Courtney, who responds by performing the first act of her upcoming one-woman off-Broadway play "The Many Faces of Courtney":


Act Two is even better.

Lindzi gets the group date rose, Jamie puts her bookmark in chapter two of "How to be a Slut" to continue reading later and Courtney heads back to her room in the giant minge to wait for Ben to come and shag her.

Night turns to day, day to night and back to day, summer turns to winter, snow blankets the ground and then thaws and baby birds start hatching all over Panama, Presidents come and go, the Euro falls, colonies are established on Mars, robots achieve independent intelligence and start their own society in Antarctica and still Courtney waits.

"I've been consistently disappointed by men who take me for granted," whines Courtney, who at age 28 has only just learned a valuable lesson - just because you gets your tits out for a bloke doesn't mean he'll want to spend any actual time with you.

Meanwhile, I don't want to get all Sherlock Holmesy about a show that's obviously not supposed to be that deep, but unless Courtney is very concerned about oral hygiene (and I think we can safely assume that she's not), she's clearly sharing room 1611 with someone else.


Maybe one's for... no, actually, let's not think about that.

So who is her room mate, and where were they this whole evening while she was supposedly moping around alone?

Anyway now it's time for the most awkward date of the season: Blakely and Rachel and Ben, otherwise known as the "two on one", "two girls one rose", the "Hooters Back Door Special", or "usually about $1500".

Blakely is wearing another unfortunate example from her extensive romper collection, so it's a good thing she's made to change into a pile of pink vomit when they get to a latin dance club.


Rachel, meanwhile, looks like Gonzo's lovechild.


Just quickly, is anyone else getting a bit of a Jerri Blank vibe from Rachel, aka Tara Reid?


Why does she keep doing this face?

They shuffle around the floor for a bit, Rachel is scandalised about Blakely's "sexual dancing" because apparently it's 1955, and then we move on to dinner where Ben spends much of the evening like this:


"I have to talk to TWO women AT ONCE?"

"It's strange to be at a table with two different women," sighs Ben, who is way more used to being at a table with nine different women. MUST BE HARD.

It's never been more apparent that one woman must go. Who will it be? Let's let Blakely answer that question on her own.

"There's something I want to share with you," she says, as the camera tilts down to reveal...


HER HOME MADE BEN FLAJNIK SCRAPBOOK.

"These are a lot of the things I see in you that have made me start to fall for you," she says, turning the pages in The Creepiest Book Ever Made and showing Ben dozens of pictures she's clipped out of magazines that "represent their life together".


"This is you and me in San Francisco, and this is your dog Scotch, and this is me tying you to the bed at night so you don't run away from my love, YOU DIRTY BIRD!"

"To me this is more than a dream, it's more of a reality," Blakely explains as she continues flipping pages.

Rooted to the spot with fear Ben slowly reaches for his backpack, hoping the machete from his date with Kacie B is still in it but sadly he can only find the stuffed monkey, so chooses to kiss Blakely instead.

It does stop her talking but also somehow makes her think Ben likes her, so when he gives the rose to Rachel it's a bit of a shock. Funny, that.

Blakely storms off in tears, ripping sheets out of her scrapbook as she goes which is a bit of a shame really, because she could have taken it with her and just glued a huge picture of a broken heart at the end to finish it off later. Never mind.

Ben tries to explain by saying "I respect you too much to bring you through another one on one date", which is funny because I thought the explanation was "Your stalker scrapbook about me was really creepy and I'd like to never see you again". Maybe I read it wrong.

Blakely shuffles off to the loser car, never to return. Although it appears hers wasn't the only old pussy left out in the rain tonight:


Nice work, cameraman.

Meanwhile, back at the Big Minge, last week's award winning valet comes to collect Blakely's bag.

The women get out their calculators and work out a few percentages, make a few notes on butchers' paper and do a bit of internet research before they all scream "THAT MEANS BLAKELY'S GOING HOME!"

They're smart, those girls.

Just in case giant concrete twats, Courtney's boobs, repeated references to two-on-ones and Blakely's scrapbook hasn't created enough drama for this episode, the producers decide to make some more - ENTER CHRIS HARRISON.


He drags away Casey S, otherwise known as "Who?", for a private chat because - cue dramatic music - SHE IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER EX BOYFRIEND.

Well, kind of. I mean, she says she's not but she probably is, deep down. She's not really sure, but maybe she is. Chris Harrison says she is so she must be.

AND IF SHE'S POSSIBLY MAYBE KIND OF IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE SHE CANNOT POSSIBLY OPEN UP HER HEART FULLY TO THE BENCHELOR, AND THUS WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO JOURNEY ACROSS MIDDLE EARTH TO THROW THE RING INTO MORDOR. Or something.

"I dunno, maybe I need to be in therapy or something," she says, surprising everyone as the first person on this show to actually admit that.

She's dragged off to confess her sins to Ben before being kicked off the show, although we don't really know why as she keeps saying she's not actually in love with her ex, and she's not leaving to be with him, and she really wants to be with a guy like Ben, but she's got to leave because... well, that's how you earn money in reality TV.

Heartbroken, Ben goes out onto his balcony to stare at the ocean while Chris Harrison pulls some moves in the hallway.


"I know it's tough... so what are you doing later?"

Meanwhile, I think I can speak for all viewers when I say:


Oh well, no time for that now, it's the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party!

And while the other women are drinking and chatting and batting their eyelashes at Ben in the hopes of getting a rose, Jamie knows better. She's just finished reading her copy of "Slutting It Up Volume 2: Tips for Tramps" and she knows she has to be aggressive.

She's so confident in her new found abilities she's already launched a new online course - "Awkward Flirting for Women Afraid of their Sexuality 101". Anyone want to sign up? The first lesson plan has leaked online, here it is:

HOW TO BE SEXY ACT SEXY SEXUALLY PLEASE A MAN FLIRT SO AWKWARDLY YOU CAN SCARE ANY MAN AWAY IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS


STEP 1: Forget small talk, guys only want to talk about sex and will get bored if you bring up any other topic. Try a conversation starter like "I have a really big surprise for you!"

STEP 2: Subtly refer to your bedroom to get him thinking sexy thoughts, like "When I go to bed at night I think about you and about the things I would like to do with you."


If your man gives you this reaction, you're doing it right.

STEP 3: Awkwardly straddle his lap in your tight mini dress, while explaining in intricate detail how this is all part of your "big plan". Try not to let him see your hoo hoo, although this might actually be impossible, so just shift around a lot uncomfortably to obstruct his view.


Sexy!

STEP 4: Time for the kiss! While you're kissing him just like they do in the movies, say sexy things like "I like your hair!". He will show his appreciation by laughing.

STEP 5: Remember to check that your man is feeling the sexy vibes by constantly asking "Do you like me kissing you? Do you like me sitting in your lap? Am I embarrassing myself? Did you envision something different?".

STEP 6: Time for your second kiss! This time, give him some direction like "First our mouths are going to be CLOSED, and then we're just going to feel each other out, and THEN once we've felt each other out we're going to OPEN our mouths!" He will really appreciate the instructions.


I kind of envisioned something different. Did you envision something different?

STEP 7: Just before your lips touch be sure to confirm the arrangement you have proposed, by saying "Wait, we're going to go mouth closed first, yes?". If your date reacts like this, you're doing it right:


Two crazy kids enjoying some sexy times together.

STEP 8: By now you should be enjoying the view of your man's back as he runs screaming into the horizon. If he's sticking around, try step 3 again.



"I think I've shown you tonight how much I like you, is that clear?" Jamie asks, before getting Ben to sign off on the official flirtation plan she just demonstrated and putting it in her briefcase.


Meanwhile, I think I may have to revise this call from episode 1.

Now there are seven women and only six roses, and only one woman who turned into a total freak at the cocktail party meaning that THIS COULD BE THE LEAST SUSPENSEFUL ROSE CEREMONY EVER.

As usual, the final rose comes down to two - Jamie and Emily. If I were a betting girl, I'd say the woman who gave The Benchelor the awkward sex lesson is going to get the rose. Lucky I'm not a betting girl.

And in a surprise akin to opening a packet of biscuits and finding biscuits inside, Emily gets the flower and Jamie the instructional kisser is given a goodbye hug from Ben. BYE, JAMIE!


"OK first we're going to hug like this, THEN you're going to move your head to the OTHER side, and THEN we're going to feel each other out a bit..."


---

READ LAST WEEK'S RECAP episode 5 | GO AHEAD AND READ Episode 7























































11 comments :

  1. Emily's joke about loving "the chief" was referring to the chief of the tribe they visited on the group date.

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  2. Yep, the "midget George Lopez impersonator in a skirt".
    It was a funny comment. I thought well of her for that one.

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  3. I'm still confused about what the Casey S. saga was about? I think blogger Jenna's incoherent babbling made more comprehensible sense than Casey S.'s "I'm definitely not in love, like, marriage is really important to me, like, my ex Michael doesn't want it but, like, I had hope that he would change but I don't, like, he doesn't want it, so I thought, like, marriage is so important, that's all I want from this, like..." And cue her hot mess of an exit. Um...what the?? Can anyone please make SOME sense of this ordeal, because the Bachelor storyline producers certainly failed.

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  4. Ahhh THE CHIEF! I get it now. Jeez, I'm a bit thick aren't I?

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  5. Best. Blog. Evah!!!

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  6. I can't watch the show, being in Oztraya and all that, so all my info about it comes from you. Which is good.

    But dear lord why won't he remove that dying worm from his upper lip!?!?!?!!!

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  7. "I think we can safely say this is the first time in a long time that Ben has unloaded his bags into a giant muff"

    Funniest line ever, I was sitting at my desk at work pissing myself over this one.

    Had to wait for a bit longer for this ep to uploaded for us poor Aussies this week, so had to hold off on reading your recaps until today.

    Couldn't help but laugh at Courtney's antics in this episode, its true the other girls really are making it very easy for her.

    And there really isn't much more to do than cringe over the whole Jamie incident.

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  9. Wow, if the Chief is a reference to the tribe that's THE. LAMEST. JOKE. EVER. Stick to rapping, Emily!
    Love this blog - thanks for all the updates and analysis:).

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  10. Emily claimed she hooked up with the Chief..did they have sex? I re-watched the episode to try to see if I could find a snippet of her and Chief going off into the woods to get it on..Was she joking or did she really sleep with that old dude? Wouldnt surprise me..she was on her last leg and probably wanted to make Ben jealous.

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