Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Bachelor episode recap: S16 E8

Guys, is there anything in life worse than meeting your new girlfriend's parents for the first time?

Well, yeah. Meeting them for the first time just eight weeks after you started dating her.

Meeting them for the first time just eight weeks after you started dating her and talking about marriage.

Meeting them for the first time just eight weeks after you started dating her, talking about marriage and sawing your own balls off with a rusty butter knife.

Then again, there's always a mock wedding with Courtney.

This is pretty much worse than anything.

More of that later. Right now, let's join Lindzi in her town of Ocala, Florida, home of alligators, twangy guitar and of course, horses. Always f***ing horses.

"If only I could marry YOU."

Ben is coming home to meet Lindzi's family, a big deal for her as the last guy she did that with followed it up with a text message that said... what was it, again?

THAAAAT'S right.

"After that for like, a month, I literally thought life wouldn't go on," Lindzi sighs, winning this week's "Most Flagrant Misuse of the Word Literally" Award.

Lucky she's with Ben now - he'll never dump her in such an embarrassing way!

Oh, wait.

This week it's up to the girls to devise the dates and Lindzi rises to the occasion by bringing out a swathe of leather straps, some chains and a whip. Go Lindzi! Finally this show is getting interesting! Oh... wait...

I should have known it would have something to do with horses.

The two sit down to a picnic lunch which they completely ignore, as is the custom on this program, and begin to discuss home renovation.

"I had a sense you had walls, but I feel like they've been coming down," says Ben, obviously referring to Lindzi's plans to convert her kitchen into an open plan dining room.

"They're definitely coming down," says Lindzi, who has already checked they're not load-bearing and has the demolition guys booked for Thursday.

After a lengthy discussion about paint colours and matt versus gloss finish, Lindzi tells Ben all her deepest feelings and emotions and confides in him that she's feeling open to love.

"Vulnerable's a big word for me, I like it though," she says.

"Me too," says Ben, who hasn't been listening for the past 10 minutes and thinks they're just listing their favourite words.


They head off to Lindzi's parents' house and, as usual on this show, they live in a huge homestead on acres of picturesque farmland instead of some shitty cream brick house in a crap suburb somewhere. Do contestants on The Bachelor have to provide photos of their parents' house on their entry form or what?

Lindzi tells her folks about the wonderful date she and Ben had dancing to that random band in San Francisco's City Hall.

"That's where we got married!" they exclaim. Somehow, Lindzi was not aware of this. So it's good to see she takes an interest in family history.

"You know, there's a tradition here at the Cox household," Lindzi's father says, and I hope the next scene will be of him polishing an oak paddle as he instructs Ben to undo his trousers.

Sadly not.

"Would you like to partake in some carriage racing?" he asks.


Unless "carriage racing" is a euphemism of some description, I feel the next five minutes are going to be rather boring.

And I'd be correct.

Things get slightly more exciting when Ben and Lindzi are forced to hook themselves up to her parents' carriage and pull them back to the house, but it's short lived and no one gets naked.

And what better way to get to know your future parents in law?

"I think I can see a forever future with Ben, and I've never said that before," says Lindzi, who actually said that about 10 minutes before when talking about her ex boyfriend.

"I've never felt about ANYONE the way I feel about Ben," she continues, deepening concerns she might actually have early onset alzeheimers.

"Watching Lindzi today planning the date was nice for a change," says Ben, who is obviously burnt out from eight weeks of watching producers plan all his dates.

She says she's falling in love with him, he smiles and smashes his lips on her face in that way he thinks is a kiss, and then the date is over.

"Her opening up really leads me to believe that she wants this," Ben says as he drives away. It's not clear if he's referring to himself or to the new breakfast bar Lindzi showed him earlier in the IKEA catalogue.

Let's move on to Clarksville, Tennesse, home town of the ever perky Kacie B and, apparently, "The Spartans".

Apparently this is worth pointing out.

"I think today is TOTALLY gonna change my life!" Kacie trills, in what anyone who's ever watched reality television knows is called FORESHADOWING OF THE PLOT.

In fact, here's a fun game: For the rest of this episode, look out for all the totally obvious signs that Kacie B has about as much chance of getting a rose tonight as a snowflake does of surviving inside Satan's bunghole.

To make it extra fun, drink a shot each time! You'll be drunk after 20 minutes, I assure you.

Sign number one: He laughs at her when she shows up twirling a baton in front of the world's worst marching band. But then she does this, which rather shuts him up:

I can't help thinking this manoeuvre will come in useful later.

Sign two: She runs a mile to jump into his arms, shrieking with joy. He kisses her forehead and repeatedly says "Oh wow...!"

"Oh wow! I am totally not into this as much as you! Can you let go now please?"

Sign three: This look.

"My grandfather was a baseballer and my other grandfather was a city councillor and then my grandma died..."

"When my grandfather passed away my grandmother died afterward and I think it's because she died of a broken heart, she really missed him and didn't want to live without him," Kacie explains.

"Mm hmm," says Ben.


"Dead grandma, gotcha. Cool story babe, but I gotta jet."

"I've just had such great examples of what love and marriage is, and that's what I want," she says.

"That's GREAT! Er... that's INCREDIBLE," says Ben, who has no idea what Kacie's been talking about as he's spent the last 15 minutes wondering whether The Rock could beat a shark in a wrestling match.

Better go meet the folks. Anything Ben should know about them first, Kacie?

"My dad is a federal probation officer, and he doesn't drink."

"Don't take it personal if I don't kiss you this evening around your parents, it's... a respect thing," says Ben in yet another sign of Kacie's impending roselessness.

"This is going SO WELL!">

Later at dinner, Ben and Kacie's bible loving, tee-totalling, probation officer dad are having a heart to heart.

"Why have you chosen Kacie?" asks dad.

Ben burbles something vague about her "ability to communicate" which, unsurprisingly, doesn't impress dad much.

For those of you playing the drinking game - here's a good opportunity to down a shot. If a guy is asked what he likes about his girlfriend and he answers "her ability to communicate", it's a pretty good sign he's not in love with her.

Ever perceptive, Ben intuits that Kacie's dad doesn't seem to like him much.

"I'm not sure I'm the son in law he had in mind for his daughter," he sighs.

But maybe the butch daughter in law.

"I hope that Kacie's mum will be a bit easier on me," he sighs.

"I have a serious problem with you two moving in together before marriage," she announces.

"I'm glad you have concerns, it really makes me show that you care," garbles Ben, whose brain is struggling to construct sentences while simultaneously sending "RED ALERT" signals to his goolies to warn them of their impending separation from his body at the hands of Kacie's mum.

If you're still playing the drinking game, you're probably too pissed to continue reading by now. On the offchance you're not under the table yet, Kacie's dad then tells her if Ben asks him for her hand in marriage, he'll say no.

Let's move on to Nicki's home town of Fort Worth, Texas, a place perfect for Ben as it's used to a never ending flow of bull:

"MOO... I love her ability to communicate! MOOOOO... She has a good heart! MOOOO... It really makes me show that you care! MOOOOOOOO!"

Nicki has planned an exciting date for the two of them - an erotic cake decorating class at the local Learning Annex!

No, she doesn't. That would be fun and interesting. Instead she takes him shopping for cowboy boots, enabling everyone to make inspired and original metaphors about shoes, relationships and "finding the right fit", and then she takes him drinking.

She's going to NEED to drink to find him attractive in that hat.

"Having been through a divorce before I absolutely feel I'm more prepared this time, and I think I'll be a better wife because of it," says Nicki which is, coincidentally, the same line Elizabeth Taylor used for her last seven marriages.

"The thing I love about you Ben, is you're really interested in details," says Nicki.

"But the Rock could just punch it in the nose..." Ben muses out loud, unaware that Nicki is even still there.

"Er... I feel like we've been very honest with each other the entire time and it's easy and it's natural and it progresses to another level every time," he stammers, trying to regain some ground.

Still parading.

They do some more awkward closed lip smashing (seriously, does anyone on this show KNOW how to kiss?) and head off to Nicki's parents' house.

"Hey Ben, do you ever have trouble getting a word in around Nicki, she's can be quite chatty!" laughs her dad.

"No, she communicates very well," Ben deadpans. Uh oh.

This should be you right now.

All this passionate talk clearly inspires Nicki's mum, who runs to her bedroom and starts gushing about how exciting it all is that her daughter is hoping to marry a guy she just met eight weeks ago who currently has three other girlfriends.

"I'M JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" she trills.

Dad isn't so convinced, not least because Nicki is 26 and has, you know, ALREADY BEEN MARRIED AND DIVORCED ONCE BEFORE.

"I leaped into something I wasn't ready for and when I do it again I want to know 100 per cent that it's going to be right," explains Nicki as she checks her calendar and and says "Yep, eight weeks should do it."

Then it's time for the Benchelor to go, but not before Nicki gives him one final message.

"I'm falling in love with you," she gushes.

"Mm-hmm," says Ben.

Let's move on to Courtney's town of Scottsdale, Arizona, the desert home of hot, prickly things that men shouldn't touch.

And cactuses.

They head straight to mum and dad's house for lunch where it soon becomes obvious that the constant mouth contortions Courtney has entertained us with for the last eight weeks are actually a genetic dysfunction.

Like mother, like daughter.

"I would be very surprised if she's in love with him, I'm not sold on it yet," says mum, in between facial contortions.

An hour later she's clearly had enough pinot grigio to completely change her mind, saying: "After talking with Ben I like him, and I think she loves him, so that's good for me." Clearly Courtney's fickle nature runs in the family too.

Meanwhile Courtney's dad is practically picking out Ben's tux for the wedding, exclaiming "I want some grandkids!"

"That can be arranged," says Ben, as I say "EWWWWWWWWWW!"

"I'm 100 per cent in love with Ben, but I haven't been with a guy who hasn't betrayed my trust, so it makes it hard for me..." says Courtney as I begin to slip into a boredom coma.


Better than Valium.

Meanwhile, it's obvious Courtney is going to make it into the final two as the producers are very unsubtly trying to do a 180 on their portrayal of her as an evil witch by dressing her in white and flinging her up against candles, flowers and pink backdrops.


This is like trying to make the wicked witch of the West more likeable by getting her to hold a puppy and sing Whitney Houston. We're not buying it.

Thus, when Courtney announces she's going to show Ben she loves him by conducting a mock wedding, the reaction is less:


...and more:


Yes, a mock wedding. That's not weird at all. That's a totally normal date.

Courtney produces some rings and a celebrant, and sits down with Ben to write some "vows". No, she really does. For some reason, Ben doesn't run away screaming and actually manages to write some crap and read it out so Courtney can bask in the glow of her own smugness.

"Courtney, I love your ability to communicate..."

In return, Courtney recycles some lines from an old Sex and the City episode. No, really, she does.

"I am looking for love, real love, passionate, consuming, can't live without each other love," she says.

Carrie, Courtney - they're both annoying, who cares?

She also steals from The Kinks:

"I want to love you and treat you right, every day and ev-ery night," she says.

Yes, she actually says "ev-ery".

"She really does communicate well."

They swap rings, smash their lips together and walk down the aisle, ensuring that if Courtney and Ben ever do get married, it will be a total let down.

With the home visits out of the way and three quarters of the most boring episode in history mercifully over, we head back to Chris Harrison's Los Angeles lair.

Now you're on HIS turf, bitches.

"How are you holding up?" he asks Ben, as if he's just spent a harrowing week death marching through the jungle instead of dining out with old people.

Although there was THIS, so...

Ben pretends he hasn't already decided who he'll get rid of tonight (he'll get rid of Kacie B), and that he's really thinking long and hard about who won't get a rose (Kacie B), and that he really likes all The Women equally (except for Kacie B, who he likes less), and that everyone's families were wonderful (except for Kacie B's, they were totally weird).

Like a couple of old nannas at the hair salon, the two start to relive Ben's dates of the past week.

"So in Texas, at the end of the night, Nicki pulls you upstairs," says Chris.

I don't remember that part.

Ben heads into The Most Important Rose Ceremony Yet, but not before a quick prayer at the Babe Shrine.

"Am I supposed to leave a cookie or something? No wait, that's Santa."

Most Important Rose Ceremony Yet in a nutshell:

  • "I don't think this week could have gone any better, and I have you and your families to thank for that," says Ben. "Especially Kacie B's family - those freaks made it really easy for me to make tonight's cut!"

  • Five minutes of silence pass as everyone looks furtively at everyone else. There's only three roses to hand out, but BY GOD they're still going to fill 20 minutes with this shit.

  • Courtney gets a rose. It's the first time anything related to Sex and the City has made a positive impression since 2004.

  • Lindzi gets a rose, proving that bringing out whips and leather on a date is always a good way to get noticed.

In the end it comes down to Nicki and Kacie B, and the large majority of viewers who AREN'T brain dead are in no way at all surprised when the rose goes to Nicki.

OK, I say "large majority", but we ARE talking about The Bachelor. You know what I mean, anyway.

Kacie B's heart breaks into a million pieces and Ben kindly takes her outside to sit her down, stare at her and offer zero explanation for his decision.

Fortunately for him Kacie B is 24 and too nice for her own good, so takes all the blame for the breakup and excuses him for being a jerk. Then she bakes him a pie and fixes him a martini while fluffing up his slippers and ironing his evening paper.

"It breaks my heart," Ben says.

"No, I don't want you to be broken hearted!" she wails.

"Oh good, because I'm totally not - I've got like, three other chicks in there!" he guffaws before high fiving her and running back into the room shouting "YO, WE'RE GOING TO SWITZERLAND!"

In the meantime Kacie B, don't worry. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who are willing to be grilled by your hard-ass dad, and your puritan mum, and spend family dinners talking about the bible while not drinking just to take your hand in marriage... Hmm.

Then again, you CAN do this...



1 comment :

  1. "Impending Roselessness" hahaha...that's my favorite thing ever written by a re-capper!!

    Great job as always!