Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Bachelor episode recap: S16 E9

Tonight Ben and The Women head to Switzerland for this season's "Fantasy Suite" episode, otherwise known as the "Ben gets to screw three women in one week with no repercussions" episode, also known as the "This show single handedly sets back feminism 100 years" episode.

Switzerland is a country known for its cheese, its large, impenetrable masses of rock and for speaking languages no one understands - all characteristics shared by Ben himself.

"I've experienced every emotion in the book - love, anger, sadness," says Ben, which is coincidentally every emotion I experience as they show him boarding a first class flight to Switzerland.

Except for the "love" part. Jealousy, maybe.

The next 10 minutes are filled with a flashback of the Benchelor's past dates with Lindzi, Courtney and Nicki, otherwise known as "zzzzzzzzzzz", although there is a particularly enjoyable montage of Courtney that features the memorable quote "So I'm supposed to bend over and take it up the tailpipe?"

A phrase, incidentally, she learned in Puerto Rico.

As Ben stares out his first class window making such intelligent and insightful observations as "Nicki is open" and "Lindzi is herself" and "my penis likes Courtney best", I think back over the last nine weeks of this show and try to work out if I actually care about any of them.

Not really, no.

Suddenly we're in Switzerland, and it seems Ben might just dump all three women and marry the countryside instead.

"I love this country, it's majestic, it's magical," he says with more passion than he's shown for any of The Women so far.

"All the stuff I've gone through to get to this point - it's worth it."

You were all worth it, just to get this trip to Switzerland. Thanks, ladies.

Meanwhile, doesn't Courtney look lovely in that new necklace Ben bought her?

It has the added benefit of alerting people to when she's coming, so they can run away and hide.

It's time for Ben's date with Nicki. What will they be doing?

"This being the country of the Alps, I'm thinking a really good vantage point would be from the sky," says Ben, making absolutely no sense at all until...

Wow. I'm so excited.

"I felt like we were the only two people in Switzerland!" gushes Nicki, begging the question WHO'S FLYING THE HELICOPTER THEN?

Ben, meanwhile, is still more interested in the landscape, pointing out the window and shrieking "THAT'S A GLACIER! THAT IS A GLACIER!"

If only he'd put as much energy into doing his hair.

The chopper pilot sensibly drops them both on top of a cliff and leaves them there, and the two begin practising their entry in the 2013 Extreme Picnicking Olympics.

"Damn, I left the bottle opener back at the lodge - can you run down and get it?"

"My feelings are at an all-time high with Ben," says Nicki in an unintentionally clever pun, although it's obvious she has some business to attend to.

The last time Nicki saw Ben she told him she loved him and he responded with "mm hmm", so she launches into stage two of the attack: Prompting. It doesn't work.

"So, some big words were said last time..." she begins.

"..." says Ben.

"And I freaked out a little bit while saying them..." she continues.

"..." says Ben.

"But I'm glad I did," she finishes hopefully.

"I'm glad you did too," says Ben, before adding "HOW ABOUT THOSE NEW YORK GIANTS, HUH?"

"She keeps looking at me like she expects me to say something... What's WITH that?"

Fortunately, Nicki is unfazed by this completely obvious show of indifference towards her.

"Looking into his eyes on top of a mountain in Switzerland, I knew..." she begins.

Finish Nicki's sentence:

  • "I wanted to push him off."

  • "I wanted to throw myself off."

  • "I really wanted to marry a helicopter pilot."

  • "This must be where the Toblerone design came from."

"Whatever you say about your father, he was a wonderful man. A WONDERFUL man," Nicki tells Ben emphatically, despite having never met him before.

Clearly the altitude and thin air are starting to get to her, and she's in the middle of a hallucination in which she thinks she is Ben's mother after one too many pinot grigios. I can't wait for her to start talking about all his other relatives, especially Aunt Rita who never came to the funeral or sent any flowers, that BITCH.

Sadly Nicki is brought back down the mountain before that point and Ben takes her to their lodgings for the night - a log cabin.

Or if you're Nicki: "LITERALLY a log cabin".

As opposed to all those things that are metaphorical log cabins, like that song by The Commodores.

The two get cosy and begin the most romantic, flirtatious dialogue heard since Das Boot. For added effect, read the following lines in your best monotone German accent. It sounds much better that way.

BEN: I want to ask you about integrating into my life, and what you see your week and weekends consisting of.

NICKI: How many kids do you want?

BEN: These are important questions.

NICKI: The possibility of it working out and being a great future with you outweighs the risk of being heartbroken.

BEN: I must tell you I love our conversations.

They then get some forms out of a briefcase, sign them in triplicate and shake hands. It is the most romantic night either of them have ever had.

Suddenly Ben whips out an envelope - it's a letter from Chris Harrison containing a key to his room. Or is it his entry in the cast and crew's key party later that night?

"Well, I guess he IS my best friend..."

Just as Ben's weighing up the pros and cons of having sex with the host of the show, Nicki works out that actually it's just the key to their "Fantasy Suite", otherwise known as "the room youse two are welcome to root in if youse want".

After some awkward giggling to mask the uncomfortable knowledge that the key to the fantasy suite is actually both a phallic symbol and totally revolting metaphor for unlocking Nicki's vajay-jay, the two head off for a bonk surrounded by candles and rose petals.

But first, Nicki gives an impassioned (read: desperate) plea about why Ben should marry her - something totally boring about how her dad is so much like Ben's late dad, and how they were raised in similar ways, and how he's a "good person"...

"Now can you take your top off?"

Then we have to watch them make out in the spa. Ew.

As is tradition on this show, one girl has always got to get the shitty date every week and this time it's Lindzi. Oh SURE, she could have gone for a picnic in a helicopter and then had sex in a spa. Sure. But it's more fun to throw her off a cliff.

To be fair, I would throw MYSELF off a cliff if I had to go on a date with Ben.

"We are repellant!" declares Ben, which is the most sense anyone has made all season, but then I see the ropes and harnesses and realise he actually said "rappelling".


"This might be a bonding experience, it might bring us closer together," he announces, as Lindzi stares with abject fear at the 300 foot drop she's about to launch herself into.

Other things that might be bonding experiences:

Holding up a diner!

Being held hostage by a crazed gunman!

A suicide pact!

In what is almost the exact opposite of what I would do if faced with a date with Ben, Lindzi jumps off the cliff AFTER putting on her safety harness. She didn't really think that through.

Can we just stop for a minute here and take a look at what is going on with Lindzi?

She was made to jump out of a helicopter in Belize, cruise down a river in a sinking boat in Panama, and now she's being pushed off a cliff. The girl is DATING, for fuck's sake, she's not auditioning for a role in Mission Impossible. What's the deal?

Meanwhile, our repellant rappelling couple are gradually falling to the ground to the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean.

"We're in the middle of a gorge, freefalling," gasps Ben as he dangles from a controlled rope in what is the exact opposite of freefalling.

"I LOVE THIS WOMAN," says Ben, rather giving away who he's going to propose to in the final episode. Unless he accidentally said "woman" when he meant to say "country", he's been doing that a bit lately.

After a gruelling 10 minutes of hanging from the end of a rope, they return to their cabin to have a spa, this episode having clearly been sponsored by the Switzerland Tourism and Spa Advisory Board.

"Just one... more... push... and you can see my other log cabin!"

Lindzi's spray tan and three inches of foundation wash off in the hot mineral water and a passing gent dips a hunk of bread in, confusing it for fondue.

Later at dinner, the evening heats up as the two indulge in a bit of romantic conversation about World War II. At least, I think that's what they were talking about - Lindzi was banging on about "defensive mechanisms" and "putting walls up", I just assumed she was talking about East Germany.

"I never realised until I met you how bad my last relationship was," Lindzi says.

To be fair, it IS kind of hard to beat a boyfriend who wines and dines you in picturesque locales all over the world and flies you to Switzerland on a whim, but I'm sure she'll work out what real life is like soon enough.

It's kind of like this.

Lindzi then explains how she was hurt when her ex broke up with her via text message (honey, WE KNOW) but that she's decided to drop her defenses and open up to Ben, because you can't find true love without being vulnerable.

Hey Lindzi, you know what's worse than being dumped by text message? BEING DUMPED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. WHICH YOU NOW HAVE A 50-50 CHANCE OF.

"I'd rather be vulnerable and get hurt from being vulnerable and knowing at least I did what I could do and was the me that you know, you should know, rather than not be vulnerable and have it end because I wasn't," she says.

Well said.

Whatever she said it works on Ben, who immediately takes her to bed and gives the cameraman one more shot to add to his "minge flash" collection.

I'm sure Lindzi really appreciates this.

Speaking of minge flashing, it's time for Ben's date with Courtney!

He tells her they're off on a train somewhere, and she practically explodes with excitement.

"YAY! A twain! Just like Thomas!" she coos, dropping her sippy cup as she claps her hands.

"I feel like we're in a painting!" she trills.

This one, Courtney?

Or this one?

Maybe this one?

Once again Ben is more interested in the appearance of glaciers outside than in Courtney - perhaps he's just learned what one is? - but he does marvel at her truly amazing ability to "discover and try new things" in such a foreign country.

Like fruit!

And wine!

"It's nice that we can just walk together - that's the kind of stuff I've been longing for!" gushes Ben as they wander through a supermarket.

Note to Ben: What weirdo women have you dated previously that purchasing cheese without incident is worth remarking on?

They go off on yet another picnic, proving conclusively that Lindzi really WAS dudded with her date, and Ben explains a fun game to Courtney - "hey cow".

"You scream at the top of your lungs 'HEY COW', and if they look back you win," he says

"Oh THAT? I used to play that with the other women back at the house. They hated it."

Ben starts some serious mumbling about how Courtney hasn't been very nice to the other women, Courtney plays with her hair and does some weird shit with her lips, I yawn and check my watch.

"He's everything I ever dreamed of and wanted," Courtney blubbers.

Yeah, I can totally see that.

"It's like I have a fear of losing," she cries, before remembering to add "HIM. I have a fear of losing HIM."

"Are you picking these tears up on camera? Should we turn the lights up a bit?"

Later, in yet another log cabin provided by the Swiss Log Cabin Awareness Committee, Courtney tries a last ditch effort to win Ben over by admitting she's been mean to the other women on the show.

"I've been totally immature at times, and looking back I could have done things differently and I'm sorry and I'm not proud of it," she says.

Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles...

"Are you f***ing KIDDING me?"

Ben and Courtney then do a spontaneous impression of your last meeting with Shawna the HR manager:

COURTNEY: I see where you're coming from and I respect that.

BEN: I'm glad to hear you acknowledge that.

COURTNEY: Moving forward, I think you have a good sense of who I am.

BEN: I appreciate it, and I'm glad we've had this conversation.

"Isn't alcohol against company policy?"

Just a tip, ladies: If you get to spend your first night with a bloke after eight weeks of dating, and you spend half the evening talking about how you're a bit of a bitch, THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL.

Just for something different, the two make out in a spa and then go upstairs to shag. If that image fills you with as much revulsion as it does me, look at this for a while:

Happy place, happy place, happy place...

Of course, this means that not only is Ben three for three in the one night stand count for this week, it also means he slept with a woman he knew he was going to dump just days later. Sweet guy!

That woman will soon be revealed but first we're forced to sit through a four minute advertisement for the 3D release of Titanic masquerading as a four minute advertisement for the next series of The Bachelorette.

The next Bachelorette is some blonde bird called Emily...

Sadly not this one.

...who was dumped by a previous Bachelor contestant.


Anyway we all have to sit through an excruciatingly boring segment in which she and some other unidentified blondes get their hair done and then go to the cinema to watch Titanic 3D, which will obviously be so much better than the original movie because in 3D, you can SEE Jack and Rose's love COME RIGHT OUT OF THE SCREEN AT YOU.


"Jack and Rose is the epitome of the perfect relationship," a blond person muses, conveniently forgetting the part where Rose almost drowns and Jack freezes to death in the Atlantic.

Anyway, back on with the show where - HOLD ONTO YOUR LEDERHOSEN - it looks like something interesting might actually be about to happen. Kacie B has turned up!

Ben is totally surprised to see her - almost as surprised as Kacie was when the producers offered her cash to come back on the show and stir shit up.

Her official story is that she's come to ask Ben some questions about their breakup last week. That's right, apparently we're all supposed to believe she flew all the way to Switzerland FOR A CHAT.

Ben believes it.

"Hi how are you I'm surprised not sure I was expecting I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY I'm sure you weren't expecting to see me SORRY," garbles Kacie, proving that when it comes to linguistic dexterity at least, she and Ben are a perfect match.

They then sit on the couch shaking, sighing, looking petrified and saying "sorry" at each other for about 10 minutes in the manner of two people who have just escaped death from a falling piano and will have traumatic flashbacks every time they hear a middle A.

Kacie B collects herself and asks Ben to explain why he broke up with her.

"I felt like we were worlds apart, obviously two wonderful families but very different backgrounds and for me, in all fairness to you and your family, I don't think that I could have given you all of the things that you needed from me because that's not how I saw my life going," he says.

TRANSLATION: Your family is weird.

Kacie B leaves, but not before warning Ben not to marry Courtney. Because he's SO likely to take advice from the girl with the weird family he broke up with last week.

"You girls REALLY don't understand the male sex drive, do you?"

As soon as Ben closes the door, Kacie B hits the floor of the hotel hallway with her legs up to increase the chances of getting pregnant. Well, they DID sit on the same couch. AND he held her hand!

"Now he'll HAVE to marry me!"

Ben heads off to the final rose ceremony, his head a mess, his emotions in turmoil. Is Courtney a bad egg? Or a bad apple? Or is he just hungry? Fortunately Chris Harrison is there to sort things out.

"Listen man, you screwed them all - you're already a winner, right?"

There's only one way through this situation - prayer at the Babe Altar.

"Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, Amen."

Time for THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY, in a nutshell:

  • Poor Nicki's luggage still hasn't arrived on Air Swiss, so she's forced to borrow a dress from the producers' three year old daughter.

    "It's not too short, right?"

  • In anticipation of being out of a TV job very soon, Courtney seizes the opportunity to audition for a big screen role by doing an impression of "The Woman in Black":


  • Lindzi gets the first rose, proving that all you need to do to win a man's heart is throw yourself into a ravine.

And then there were two - Courtney and Nicki. Black and white. Evil and good. Model and dental hygienist. The one who got naked and gave it up in Puerto Rico and the one who didn't.

The decision is so tough, Ben goes cross-eyed trying to work it out.

"Nicki's so nice, but Courtney's boobs...! And Nicki's really genuine, but Courtney's ass...! And her BOOBS!"

Finally he gives the rose to Courtney, proving that apart from jumping into gorges, the best way to win a man's heart is to get naked at every possible opportunity.

Nicki bursts into tears and Ben starts to comfort her in a manner usually reserved for employee exit interviews.

"This has nothing to do with you, I want you to know that," he says, while getting out Nicki's file from his briefcase.

"I want you to know that your gentleness, your kindness doesn't go unnoticed, and I've enjoyed every moment I've spent with you," he continues, "Especially the other night when you let me bone you in the log cabin."

"I cried a little bit today, I'm not gonna lie," he says.

"I mean - I'm not crying NOW! Ha! But yeah, I kinda cried a bit today. For a second or so. It might have been dust in my eye actually, now that I think about it."

Of course all of this comforting talk goes down a treat with Nicki.


Nicki cries her eyes out, Ben sighs heavily and wonders when he can get back to the hotel buffet and we all roll on safe in the knowledge that next week, this shit will finally be over.

Wait, what's on next week?





  1. Courtney as the Madonna suckling baby Jesus (or benby Jesus or baby Besus) is just priceless. Chapeau!

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  4. Oh no!!! I only watch this show so that I can read and trully appreciate your blog... What happened to last nights episode? There was so much fodder for your whitty comments....what am I to do? Are you going to post? You had to have watched!!!
    Totally disappointed in Maine

  5. I'm so sorry everyone, I have fallen behind with my bachelor recaps because I keep being taken away on boats by boring men with centre parts. I promise to return tomorrow, with a full recap of Monday night's TOTALLY CRAZY reunion special. Apologies and kisses... come back in 24 hrs... xx P

  6. WHAT A LET DOWN! Reunion next week? C'mon! God, I hope it's Courtney...Ben deserves some misery. Thanks for another amazing and hilarious blog post. I laughed all the way through!...Can't wait for Epi 10 recap!

  7. Hey! No After the Final Rose, season finale blog??

  8. It's coming it's coming...! :(