It's the episode you've all been waiting for - The Bachelor Reunion "Women Tell All" special, also known as the "Women Slag Off Courtney for an Hour and a Half" episode and the "Everyone Gets Their Tits Out and Wears Extra Fake Tan" episode, but more importantly known as the episode in which CHRIS HARRISON IS ON SCREEN FOR THE ENTIRE SHOW.
Harrison gets a warm hand on his entrance.
Because this episode is basically just 1.5 hours of people sitting around bitching in annoying voices, the producers have placed some aspiring actors in the audience for the cameras to occasionally cut to to make it look like what's happening on stage is actually interesting.
Which leads me to my first drinking game of the evening: Drink a shot every time the camera cuts to an overly dramatic audience member.
Here's a double for a kick off, just two minutes in.
This is what the most bored man in the universe looks like.
"For the first time EVER, one of the final two women will be here to answer questions," The Harrison announces with a flourish.
Before we all strain our brains trying to work out just who that could be, The Harrison ruins the surprise by announcing it's Courtney.
Drink a double!
Then he... oh, wait:
OK, then he... hang on:
This woman came fresh from the set of The Price is Right next door.
So then he... Shit.
Look, you should probably just finish the bottle and start a fresh one.
"Let's take a look at some of your favourite Bachelor and Bachelorette cast members of all time!" announces The Harrison gleefully, and everyone agrees to pretend they haven't forgotten everyone who's ever been on this show.
What follows is a five minute montage of sluts and bogans you've never seen before getting pissed and pashing on in Las Vegas that is so boring I almost pass out.
Or maybe that's the alcohol. DRINK.
Finally it's time to welcome The Women on stage so The Harrison can discuss Ben's hairdo with all those contestants you have absolutely no memory of.
I'm not sure THEY even know who they are.
Time for another drinking game! This time, take a shot every time someone excuses their bad behaviour on the show by saying "I didn't come here to make friends". First out the gate with this pearler is 34-year-old Hooters waitress Blakely, who for the first time in 10 weeks has covered up her "blessings" with a demure purple gown.
Fortunately the girl behind her is making up for that.
Then there's a bit of flashbackery montageiness to remind everyone why they're all there (hint: it's some douchebag with a bad haircut) and Blakely reminds us all again that she wasn't there to make friends.
This should be you right now.
Hey redhead, what did you think of being dumped before Blakely?
"Blakely and I got along, but as far as a pro-con comparison I don't think there is one," she says.
No pro-con. Gotcha.
Hey, you know what we haven't had on tonight's show yet? A really annoying sound that relentlessly drills right into your eardrums and makes you want to rip your brain out of your head just to stop the noise.
Oh good, problem solved.
As Samantha starts explaining all the reasons she hates Blakely, a fire breaks out in the back of the studio setting off alarms and shattering windows. Three fire engines and 15 firemen are called in to battle the blaze, their sirens wailing and rescue dogs barking. Of course, all of this goes unnoticed by anyone on the show as Samantha is still talking.
Meanwhile, what does Blakely think about all this hate talk?
Yeah that's great Blakely, but we'd rather hear from Orange Boobs.
The Harrison then reveals Blakely's boobs have magical powers by asking her whether they "stepped on any toes" during the show. If they did, I'd suggest Blakely needs to get a better bra.
Suddenly we hear from the one woman on this show who arguably has any sense, Brittney, who left in episode three when she realised Ben was a complete drip.
"There was just no attraction to Ben whatsoever," she recalls.
"But that HAIR! That total lack of charisma! That YouTube video!" PS: Drink.
I think I feel my headache start to leave. Better fix that!
"I AM TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING!"
"You are like the chihuahua of the house, you never stop talking," says Brittney. I think I love Brittney.
"America's still buzzing about the time Shawntel visited Ben in San Francisco in an attempt to win his heart," says The Harrison, as everyone scratches their heads and says "Who's Shawntel?"
"Where am I again?"
Shawntel and The Harrison talk about how hard it was for her to be on that one episode for 10 minutes, Elyse does a great impression of Sammi from Jersey Shore, some girl I've never seen before gives the worst apology ever for saying Shawntel has big thighs by explaining that she "doesn't have thin thighs either" and Emily's Lavender Boobs make a bid for breast dominance over Orange Boobs in the back row.
"Take THAT, Orange Boobs!"
It's enough to launch Emily to centre stage, and she sits down with The Harrison for a chat about her time on the show. Sadly she is far too normal and makes too much sense so the potential for comedy is drastically reduced.
Fortunately the segment is saved by a quick cut to Kacie B, who appears to be the only one to have paid attention to the night's fancy dress theme: "Come as your first pet".
The resemblance is uncanny.
Oh, my mistake - Rachel got the invite too:
She really loved that lizard.
Next in the hot seat is Nicki, who starts explaining why things didn't work out between her and Ben.
"Something he said again and again was that it was so natural between us, I made him at ease and he was comfortable - maybe it was too comfortable for him, maybe it was too natural, too easy," she says.
I think she's right. If there's one thing I've learned in my 31 years it's that men don't like easy, natural relationships, they like dating women who are awkward and difficult to be around.
Nicki blabs on some more about how much she loved Ben and how hard it was when he dumped her because she was boring and zzzzzzzzzzz...
As is sleeping.
Meanwhile, I'm seriously beginning to lose my buzz...
THANK GOD. Drink. And someone hand her a Kleenex.
Having had enough of Nicki being boring we move on to Kacie B being boring. Yawn. WHAT OF ORANGE BOOBS?
AND WHERE THE HELL IS JENNA?
Let's liven things up here with another drinking game: Drink a shot every time someone says "blindsided" or "closure". Kacie B has said both about 12 times already, so just drink whatever you've got left and then crack a fresh bottle.
At this point Kacie B and The Harrison have been discussing her breakup with Ben for about 10 minutes AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE SAYING. Seriously, it sounds like this:
KACIE B: Core values directions journey closure blindsided.
THE HARRISON: Moving forward ready to find love together open to that?
KACIE B: Complete shock on the right path decision going into this, afraid to love open minded. Instant connection.
THE HARRISON: Kacie B, everybody!
Now it's time for everyone's favourite contestant - COURTNEY! And aren't we all thrilled about that?
Yay! PS: Drink.
Meanwhile, either these two audience members' are actually wax models or they've just been permanently pissed off since the beginning of the show:
What, you mean there's TRICKY EDITING in this show? NEVER. PS: Drink.
Hey, remember how Blakely's wasn't on the show to make friends? She just thought she'd remind you of that. So have a drink.
Before they bring on Courtney, the producers decide it's a good idea to get all The Women really fired up and pissed off about how much they hate her - so they play a flashback video of all the times she said "Winning!" and acted like a bitch. Nine hours later, when the video is finished, Casey S attempts to explain why Courtney is actually a really nice person.
"I am so writing a rap about this later."
Suddenly - the lights flicker, the sets shake and a chill descends upon the studio. Somewhere, a dog barks. In walks Courtney.
I think this requires at least three drinks.
One by one The Women launch into her, each airing their personal grievances and listing in full why they hate her guts. Courtney does an admirable job of pretending to be remorseful, saying things like "I'm not proud of myself!" and "There were so many of you I liked on the show!"
"We were six days into the show and you still didn't even know my name," spits some girl with red hair.
I'm not sure Courtney can be blamed for this. Her name is actually displayed under her face and I still don't know who she is.
Everyone starts accusing Courtney of "making jabs", which I think is a kind of Turkish biscuit, and she starts to cry in an extremely photogenic way.
This can do nothing but good for her chances of winning.
"I wish they would have had a chance to get to know me better," cries Courtney, who was only on the show for 10 whole weeks. She's right, that really isn't enough time to get to know someone.
Quick, what do those two wax figures in the audience think of this?
They CAN move! Better make it a quadruple.
All of this goes on for at least another four hours, with everyone pursing lips and waving fingers and acting like Courtney personally set fire to each of their houses instead of having been a bit rude to them all.
Clearly we need some PERSPECTIVE here.
And who better to bring a rational point of view to the discussion than Jenna?
Of course, there's only one correct reaction to this:
"I'M GOING THROUGH REAL EMOTIONS!" shrieks Courtney, just in case you were wondering why she keeps screwing up her bone-dry eyes.
"I'm sorry for hurting Ben, I cared for him and still do," says Courtney in what is otherwise known as A MASSIVE SPOILER AS TO WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FINAL EPISODE.
Well done, editors.
"However this works out in the coming week, we wish you the very best," says The Harrison, shuffling Courtney off stage while blithely ignoring the spoiler that's just fallen out of her mouth. This is the TV equivalent of this:
"LA LA LA LA PLEASE TUNE IN NEXT WEEK LA LA LA LA!"
Moving on (no, it hasn't finished yet) (I know, it shouldn't be too much longer), it's time for Ben to step up to the hot seat and answer a few questions. Like this one, from that redhead no one can remember the name of.
"I went home and you kept Blakely and I kind of had, like, a pro-con," she says.
"It's just I go home and I'm like 'REALLY? I'm going home and he's considering taking BLAKELY home to his mum?'," she continues, adding "No offence."
"Sure, no offence. Who are you again?"
All The Women start asking Ben questions about why he did this, or said that, or broke up with them, and it all sounds exactly like this:
WOMAN: Why gone wrong input explanation feeling closure journey?
BEN: Say goodbye closure ups and downs relationship incredible appreciate focus respect.
"I've got no idea what you're talking about," says Emily, making the most sense anyone has made all night.
"YOU ARE THE BEST MAN I'VE EVER MET 100 PER CENT TIL I DIE," yells Nicki for no apparent reason, making somewhat less sense, particular as Ben currently looks like this:
Casey S says "blindsided". Thank god, I was almost sober.
Sensing a lack of crazy in the room, Jamie starts tearily explaining how fabulous she thinks Ben is and how she's still available for awkward kissing sessions and sexual instruction.
"If you're not happy with who you chose, I'd still like to get to know you and I still think you're fabulous, so if you want to... you know," she says.
"First we'll go closed mouth, and theeeennnn we can open our mouths..."
Not content to let Jamie provide all the laughs this episode, they then run a blooper reel showing Ben being attacked by birds, dogs, cows, and midget Panamanians.
TOO MANY COMEDIC CAPTION OPTIONS = HEAD ASPLODE.
Only 87 per cent of the audience is asleep at this point, so they run one more montage of the final two - Lindzi and Courtney - to finish everyone off. That way, it makes it easier to lock them in the studio for the next show taping of Wheel of Fortune. Have you ever wondered why the audience looks so confused on Wheel of Fortune? That's why.
"Hey everyone, are you ready to spin the wheel?"
"Zzzzzz... hey, where's Chris Harrison gone?"
So, that's about it. What a great reunion, huh? Sadly we heard from Emily's boobs more often than we did from most of The Women, although when it comes to "telling all" they certainly fulfilled the brief. Thanks to Courtney "telling all" we don't need to tune in next week!
Oh ALRIGHT, I will. Just for you. As Courtney herself would probably put it: See You Next Tuesday!
GO BACK A WEEK AND READ episode 9 | GO AHEAD AND READ Episode 11 - the finale