We last left our friends from West Beverly in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Brenda stuck alone inside the Blue Iguana nightclub after being the only one to convince the bouncer that Minnesota drivers' licenses are issued in pencil.
Even though it's only 9pm, the club is pumping - although that might be because it appears to be hosting someone's wedding reception.
What? In Beverly Hills EVERYONE wears tuxedos to nightclubs.
Despite the fact that she's obviously wandered into "Rockin' Over-30s Singles Wednesday", Brenda is undaunted - and she soon catches the eye of the bride's brother in the corner.
"Out of my way ladies, can't you see I'm wearing white pants?"
Mr White Pants turns out to be a solicitor, which is a funny coincidence because he immediately breaks the law by buying Brenda a banana daiquiri. She tells him some lies about going to UCLA, and he impresses her by ordering Tanqueray and tonic and wearing white pants all over the place.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Brandon is busy looking like a complete wuss by riding on the back of Maryanne's motorcycle.
"OMG MARYANNE, WHERE'S THE SEATBELT ON THIS THING?!"
Meanwhile, in Brandon's mind...
"I am SO bitchin'."
Back at Maryanne's place, her mum is giving her 8-year-old brother a bath, and...
Oh no wait, that's just Brandon.
With Brandon suddenly resembling a pre-teen, and Maryanne mysteriously looking about 20 years younger too, it's obvious her jacuzzi is actually the mythical fountain of youth for which explorers have been searching for centuries.
If only someone could convince Andrea to get in it.
Deciding he doesn't look QUITE young enough yet, Maryanne reaches over and plucks the single hair growing on Brandon's chest - a foolproof method for charming any man into bed.
"There! Now you REALLY look eight years old."
So impressed is she by Brandon's new state of hairlessness, Maryanne pounces on him with her best duck face and shrieks "LET'S TAKE OFF ALL OUR CLOTHES!", a suggestion which apparently frightens him to his very core.
"Woah, aren't you supposed to hold out on me for a little bit? What's the rush?" he says, in exactly the same way a half-drunk teenage boy sharing a spa with a desperate horny girl wouldn't.
"Didn't your mother teach you about playing hard to get?" he continues, in what is OFFICIALLY THE WORST AND MOST OFFENSIVE PIECE OF DIALOGUE SO FAR THIS SERIES.
But strap yourselves in, it gets worse.
"MY mother?" slags Maryanne. "My dad manages rock bands, he met my mom on the road, she was this major groupie - she did things in the '60s and '70s that would blow your mind. They think my life is a bore!"
Not content with labelling her mother a slut, Maryanne continues raging about her horrible sheltered life in a nice big mansion with a jacuzzi.
"I feel so TRAPPED sometimes, you know?" whines the girl who in the last episode seriously considered taking a spontaneous weekend trip to Paris.
"The minute I wanna go out and have some fun people at school call me a party girl, and if I wanna be left alone or act quiet they call me stuck up - I JUST CAN'T WIN!"
The many faces of Maryanne Moore.
Fortunately Brandon shuts her up with a pash, and we head back over town to where Mr White Pants has driven Brenda home to... a church. Well, it's less embarrassing than admitting you still live with your parents.
"I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number so... YOU LIVE IN A CHURCH? At least that explains why you won't come home with me."
Brenda calls Kelly for a debrief at 6am the next day - or if you're Kelly's mother, "the middle of the night".
"What kind of friend calls in THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? She woke up BOB!" she rails.
So er, I guess Kelly's mum is a slut too?
Brenda details her sordid three hours drinking banana daiquiris with the 25-year-old white-pants-wearing lawyer, and Kelly is enthralled. She vows to get an even stupider drink the next time they go out on the town.
Meanwhile, back at school chemistry teacher Matt Groening is demonstrating to the students exactly why you shouldn't drop acid before coming to class.
"I can SEE the music..!"
"You're just in time for a pop quiz!" he tells Kelly and Brenda in a moment of lucidity before the second wave of hallucinations overtakes him.
"Look Ludwig, LOOK WHAT I HAVE CREATED!"
Unfortunately the only chemistry the two girls have been studying all week is the effect of pencil on Minnesota drivers' licence, so they have no idea what they're doing.
Perhaps more of an idea than him, though.
Over in the only other class offered at West Beverly High, Spanish, Brandon' studies are interrupted when he receives a delivery of roses. Yes, in the middle of the class. No, the teacher doesn't mind at all. Yes, this is highly unlikely.
"Dude this is Spanish class - speak English!"
Driven mad with jealousy, too-smart-to-get-a-boyfriend Andrea grills Brandon all about Maryanne.
"I don't see you two together - you seem smart and down to earth and she's kind of stupid and rich," she says, trying not to choke on her own bile.
I'd go into detail about how Brandon explains Maryanne's poor little rich girl syndrome, but I feel I should heed the motto of the Beverly Bugle on the wall behind him.
No, not really.
Out in the walkway Steve is still looking for Brian Austin Green, the freshman who totalled his car on the weekend. Fortunately he is totally unrecognisable in his complete lack of disguise.
"It can't be you - there's no way you're the guy who's banging Megan Fox."
But it's only a matter of time before he's found out - it seems BAG left a hat in Steve's car with his anonymous blonde friend's name stitched into it. Yay, we'll finally get to find out what he's called!
Out on the track Brandon is getting major props from all the hippest kids in school for getting flowers from the famous party girl/stuck up bitch Maryanne Moore.
"Well, I wouldn't exactly call them flowers," he protests.
"I prefer to call them 'long stemmed blossoms in a box'."
"How did you do it?" the bros ask.
"I did something with Maryanne that most guys couldn't handle," brags Brandon, obviously referring to the time he refused to get naked with her in the spa and called her mum a slut.
Sadly this is misinterpreted as an admission that he slept with her, news which immediately whips round the entire school. It even makes it onto West Beverly FM's "wild report", which is apparently a weekly radio run down of which students are screwing that absolutely no one has a problem with.
GRATUITOUS WATER SHOT.
Brandon enjoys his status as big man on campus for at least 45 seconds before Maryanne finds him in the hallway and punches him gently in the hip.
"Ow, my ovaries!"
"YOU USED ME!" she yells, seemingly forgetting that
a) she actually wanted to sleep with Brandon in the first place and
b) she sent him flowers in the middle of Spanish class so
c) it was sort of a foregone conclusion that everyone would assume they were having it off anyway and therefore
d) is possibly not that big a deal.
"I didn't want anything more from you than to have a friend in this school," she wails.
What? That's what friends DO.
Maryanne runs off crying, leaving Brandon confused and alone.
"So... I SHOULD have just slept with her then?"
Meanwhile, out in the parking lot BAG is demonstrating some extremely unlikely street skills by breaking into Steve's car with a metal ruler to retrieve the hat of doom.
Coincidentally, this is the same technique he later employed on Megan Fox's pants.
Little does he know Steve's car is actually a Knightrider prototype bought from an NBC lot auction, nicknamed "SHITT", and it pages him immediately.
"SHITT needs me."
Steve rushes out to apprehend BAG and anonymous, but just as he is about to grab them his face is attacked by bees and they run away.
Not really, but that explanation for this piece of total overacting is much more plausible than the real one.
Back at the Walsh residence Brenda is getting ready to go out with Mr White Pants.
"I think it's serious," she tells Brandon. "I like him so much it's kind of scary. Sometimes I think I'm in love!"
But with a smile like that, I guess that's all you need.
All dressed up and ready to roll, Brenda tells her mum she won't be staying for pot roast - even though it's obviously "National Invite A Strange Man To Dinner Day".
And he's SO disappointed, too.
She has something far more exciting in store: a night of awkward conversation with three pretentious wankers!
"So I said 'Why don't you get out of those wet clothes and into some dry ones!' A-ha-ha-ha! No wait, that's not how it goes..."
Brenda somehow manages to convince her new 25-year-old-and-therefore-heaps-ancient boyfriend and his friends that she's majoring in astronomy by explaining that a black hole is "a hole in space that's black". They are all inexplicably impressed by this, especially White Pants who goes full tongue-pash in the car before dropping Brenda back at her church.
Insert joke about black holes here.
The next day at school Brandon is hitting the airwaves of West Beverly FM with DJ Jazzy Jeff to make a public service announcement about his relationship with Maryanne.
"Yo Brandon, tell us the story all about how your life got turned upside down."
"Nothing happened - Maryanne and I sat and talked, that's it," explains Brandon.
Not everyone is impressed by his honesty.
"It may sound a lot less exciting than doing the wild thing but it actually meant a whole lot more," he continues, securing his position as both punching bag and virgin for the rest of the school year.
Unsurprisingly Maryanne is not that impressed by Brandon's totally wussy admission, and dumps him.
Meanwhile in the principal's office, Brenda is being dragged over the coals for getting a C on her chemistry exam.
"At this rate you'll be lucky to pass!" shrieks the principal in what may be the biggest overreaction ever to a non-fail mark.
"Something's going on with you Brenda, and I wanna make damn certain you're talking to somebody about it," he continues, in a manner that suggests Brenda is selling her body to fund a crack habit rather than experiencing a minor drop in grades.
She considers threatening to take the story about the chemistry teacher's hallucinogen addiction to the Beverly Bugle, but remembers Andrea has a piece about a 10 cent price rise at the canteen so it wouldn't make page one anyway.
Fresh from being dumped by Maryanne, Brandon tries talking to Andrea but even she is embarrassed to be seen with him and runs away, turning down his offer of a lift to catch the bus home instead.
She'd rather catch a bus with MEXICANS than go with Brandon.
You think I'm making that up for comedy purposes. No, they actually make a pretty big deal out of it.
Although she's speaking Spanish to them so I'm not actually sure who's teaching who here.
Not content to be seen as a total drippy wuss, Brandon decides to add "creepy stalker" to his resume and follows Andrea to her home in the poor side of town, where houses only have one storey and lawns are only watered once a week - BY HAND.
My GOD, it's practically the ghetto.
"If anybody finds out where I live they will kick me out of West Beverly High so fast my head will spin," Andrea wails, demonstrating something of a lack of understanding about how high school admissions fees work.
This of course rather begs the question: Where does the school think Andrea lives, and who has been receiving her mail for the past few years?
"Who the hell IS this Andrea Zuckerman?!"
Anyway, back to business: why has Brandon travelled all the way to the BH ghetto to talk to Andrea?
"The reason I followed you home was to tell you I think you've got me all wrong - that thing with Maryanne, that's not me, that's now what I'm about," he says.
Completely uninterested in his story, as is everyone, Andrea ignores Brandon and instead reveals her elaborate Abignale-esque scheme for avoiding being outed as a poor person at school and executed: She uses her grandma's Beverly Hills address for school.
So I guess the above picture should actually be more like this:
"MORE crap for Andrea? I'm sick of this. Let's cut her out of the will."
Brandon promises not to tell anyone about how Andrea doesn't have any maids, and goes inside for, I dunno, a cup of warm tap water and some biscuits with weevils in them or something.
Meanwhile, in the NORMAL part of town, Brenda and White Pants are having a fancy meal at the Casa di Bad Spotted Vest.
Well at least they have good air conditioning.
"Jason this place is really nice," Brenda enthuses, admiring the huge ceiling vents.
"For the money it's costing, it should be," says White Pants, reading directly from the Douchebag's Guide to Dating he's just taken from his suit pocket.
"You know, the last woman I went on three dates with I lived with for 11 months," he continues, reading from the chapter entitled "Surefire Ways to Ditch Her in Three Dates or Less".
"We got into this weird fight about a new couch for the living room, and I decided I had to go with my own taste because the couch was probably going to be around longer than she was," he says.
COOL STORY BRO TELL IT AGAIN.
Inspired by his complete lack of awareness, Brenda comes clean and admits she's only 16, news which is not received well.
"I SHOULD SUE YOUR PARENTS," he spits, the correct response to which is, of course, "FOR WHAT?" followed by "I SHOULD REPORT YOU FOR SEXUALLY ABUSING A MINOR" but Brenda is a bit weak so she just cries instead.
For some reason White Pants decides to drive her home, which is a highly unlikely scenario but does allow us to enjoy some of the most hilarious after-school-special-style dialogue ever. So be thankful.
"Tell me Brenda, was it FUN playing grown up?" he spits.
"My feelings for you didn't change just because I'm younger than you thought I was," Brenda sobs.
"HUH. What the HELL do YOU know about feelings?" barks White Pants, in a manner that suggests he might be hoping for the 1990 Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series Emmy.
"Listen, toots - it's a big bad world out there, and you got plenty of growin' up to do, ya hear?"
"Just wait until somebody you thought you cared about lies to YOU!" he shouts angrily.
Just when you thought this exchange couldn't get any more ridiculously dramatic for two people who met at a bar approximately 10 hours ago, Brenda wails: "DON'T YOU THINK IT WAS HARD FOR ME TOO, JASON? LYING TO MY PARENTS ABOUT WHERE I WAS GOING AT NIGHT? FLUNKING OUT OF SCHOOL? ALL FOR WHAT?!"
"I can't believe I was going to SLEEP with you tonight! YOU WERE GOING TO BE MY FIRST GUY!"
"WELL YOU D... wait, what now?"
But it's too late now - Brenda runs inside in tears, to be comforted by mum, and the strange man from dinner who appears to be really overstaying his welcome.
"Mom, why is he still here?"
Being careful not to make eye contact with the strange man, Brenda rushes off to Brandon's room for a sibling debrief.
"I miss Minneapolis - nothing was this complicated," she sighs, which coincidentally is a slogan currently being considered by the Minnesota Tourism Board for their new advertising campaign.
It was better than their other slogan "So, do you like... stuff?"
"Brandon, did you...?" she asks, as Brandon shakes his head.
"Did YOU?" he asks, as she shakes her head.
Their mutual virginity established, they both go to bed. Not together, that would be weird.
END. ROLL CREDITS.
PILOT PART 2 IN A NUTSHELL: Brandon gets mistaken for a guy with swag but makes sure everyone knows it's not true, Brenda almost has sex with a 25-year-old and Andrea outs herself as middle class.
Now go on and read EPISODE 1 ... OR go back and read PILOT PART 1.