Thursday, June 21, 2012

How to look awesome walking into a room

The musical superpower that increases your awesomeness by at least 178 per cent.

If you get drunk and stay past your welcome at enough house parties, eventually you will find yourself sitting around with a bunch of equally drunk strangers throwing around questions like "Who would play you in the movie of your life?" and "Would you rather eat a kilo of butter or a drink a litre of honey?".

"Wait, what? No, I already had both of those. Now I'm having this burger."

And invariably, usually at around 3.30am, someone will ask: "If you had a superpower, what would it be?"

While other people usually give predictable answers like "invisibility" or "flying" or "a packet of Tim Tams that never runs out" (not a superpower, by the way), I have a different opinion.

Firstly, everyone knows invisibility is better than flying because a) flying would be FUCKING FREEZING, and where do you put your bags, and b) invisible people can sneak onto aeroplanes and fly wherever they want first class for free anyway.

That aside, my answer to the superpower question is this: I would like a badass soundtrack and a slow motion effect every time I enter a room.

Imagine if every time you stepped out of the elevator at work everyone got a solid gold burst of "Eye of the Tiger" or something. They'd all know you were totally boss. Even your boss would know you were boss.

And so just in case I discover a genie in an antique lamp and he offers me this superpower, I have chosen a list of songs for my personal soundtrack playlist.

To demonstrate their effectiveness I present the below "walking in slow motion down the hallway" scene of Emma Stone from Easy A (because in my dream, when I have this superpower, I will also look like this).

Watch the GIF, click the songs. Be impressed.

"Simon Says" - Pharaohe Monch

Simon Says by Pharoahe Monch on Grooveshark Ideally, the first 10 seconds would be played as I walked UP to the door/crowd, with the rest playing as I walked IN to the room/hallway full of adoring students.

"Blue Blood Blues" - The Dead Weather

Blue Blood Blues by The Dead Weather on Grooveshark A sexier "walk down the hall" song you couldn't hope to find. I practically want to copulate with the stereo every time I hear it.

"99 Problems" - Jay Z

99 Problems by Jay-Z on Grooveshark Picture yourself slamming open some double doors and loping into a party, taking someone's beer from their hand on the way, as everyone turns and stares at you in awe. PICTURE IT.

"No Sex For Ben" - The Rapture

No Sex For Ben by The Rapture on Grooveshark For those days you need to walk down a hallway full of people who are all lusting after you, and you're all like "Ew, as IF." I have those days ALL the time.

"Watch Out" - Atmosphere

Watch Out by Atmosphere on Grooveshark You know you're awesome. You're awesome walking down a hallway.

So, what about you? What's your awesome slow-mo superpower hallway song?


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