RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Beverly Hills 90210 GIF recap: S1 Pilot P2

We last left our friends from West Beverly in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Brenda stuck alone inside the Blue Iguana nightclub after being the only one to convince the bouncer that Minnesota drivers' licenses are issued in pencil.

Even though it's only 9pm, the club is pumping - although that might be because it appears to be hosting someone's wedding reception.


What? In Beverly Hills EVERYONE wears tuxedos to nightclubs.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Celebrity maths: Ron White

Brad Pitt plus Ron Burgundy multiplied by Michael Bolton equals...



How to look awesome walking into a room

The musical superpower that increases your awesomeness by at least 178 per cent.

If you get drunk and stay past your welcome at enough house parties, eventually you will find yourself sitting around with a bunch of equally drunk strangers throwing around questions like "Who would play you in the movie of your life?" and "Would you rather eat a kilo of butter or a drink a litre of honey?".

"Wait, what? No, I already had both of those. Now I'm having this burger."

And invariably, usually at around 3.30am, someone will ask: "If you had a superpower, what would it be?"

While other people usually give predictable answers like "invisibility" or "flying" or "a packet of Tim Tams that never runs out" (not a superpower, by the way), I have a different opinion.

Firstly, everyone knows invisibility is better than flying because a) flying would be FUCKING FREEZING, and where do you put your bags, and b) invisible people can sneak onto aeroplanes and fly wherever they want first class for free anyway.

That aside, my answer to the superpower question is this: I would like a badass soundtrack and a slow motion effect every time I enter a room.

Imagine if every time you stepped out of the elevator at work everyone got a solid gold burst of "Eye of the Tiger" or something. They'd all know you were totally boss. Even your boss would know you were boss.

And so just in case I discover a genie in an antique lamp and he offers me this superpower, I have chosen a list of songs for my personal soundtrack playlist.

To demonstrate their effectiveness I present the below "walking in slow motion down the hallway" scene of Emma Stone from Easy A (because in my dream, when I have this superpower, I will also look like this).

Watch the GIF, click the songs. Be impressed.


"Simon Says" - Pharaohe Monch

Simon Says by Pharoahe Monch on Grooveshark Ideally, the first 10 seconds would be played as I walked UP to the door/crowd, with the rest playing as I walked IN to the room/hallway full of adoring students.


"Blue Blood Blues" - The Dead Weather

Blue Blood Blues by The Dead Weather on Grooveshark A sexier "walk down the hall" song you couldn't hope to find. I practically want to copulate with the stereo every time I hear it.


"99 Problems" - Jay Z

99 Problems by Jay-Z on Grooveshark Picture yourself slamming open some double doors and loping into a party, taking someone's beer from their hand on the way, as everyone turns and stares at you in awe. PICTURE IT.


"No Sex For Ben" - The Rapture

No Sex For Ben by The Rapture on Grooveshark For those days you need to walk down a hallway full of people who are all lusting after you, and you're all like "Ew, as IF." I have those days ALL the time.


"Watch Out" - Atmosphere

Watch Out by Atmosphere on Grooveshark You know you're awesome. You're awesome walking down a hallway.

So, what about you? What's your awesome slow-mo superpower hallway song?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Beverly Hills 90210 GIF recap: S1 Pilot P1

It's morning in Beverly Hills. Sunshine is glinting off expensive automobiles, birds are chirping from nests made out of $100 bills and inside a large house a wig is sleeping.

No wait, it's our protagonist Brandon Walsh, who isn't a wig but a 21-year-old man with a perfectly sculpted 1950s ducktail hairdo pretending to be 16. Brandon and his family have just moved to Beverly Hills from Minneapolis, and he's just about to burst into the opening refrain of "When You're A Jet" when he remembers he has to explain the plot instead.

"First day of school, strange city, new house, no friends - I'm psyched," he announces to the empty room, in exactly the same way a normal person wouldn't.


Psyched (adj.)ˈ/saɪk/: '90s term to describe enthusiasm.
Ie: "I'm so psyched about being a Jet."

SHUT UP, you're at the movies!

New Yorkers love to talk - all the way through movies.

Last week I went to see The Avengers, a superhero movie in which lots of things explode and lots of other things go crash and everyone yells for about two and a half hours.

With the exception of the baby I recently saw at the post office that was doing an uncannily accurate impression of a fire engine, The Avengers is possibly the loudest thing I've ever witnessed.

So it's a testament to the vocal abilities of New Yorkers that I could barely hear any of it over the top of the audience's chattering.

While Iron Man, Captain America and Thor were noisily destroying New York City brick by brick, girlfriends loudly discussed who was the best looking superhero while mates whooped and hollered at every special effect and screaming children ran free in the aisles.

The man next to me even took a phone call (which, surprisingly enough, began with “Hey, I'm at the movies...”).

"Can you speak up? Everyone around me is making this annoying shushing noise."

Sadly, just like Thor's magical hammer after he fell to earth, my shushing had no effect on any of them. They were The Unshushables. 

The thing is, this wasn't an unusual audience. It wasn't, say, comprised of members of the National Society of Complete Tools on their annual get-together, or anything like that. It was just a group of typical New Yorkers, doing what typical New Yorkers do at the movies: talk.

Unless you go to indie cinemas (good luck seeing The Avengers there) or matinee screenings (and what am I, 60?) you will encounter this, and worse, behaviour in this city.

Incessant talking is bad enough, but you won't know true cinematic pain until you've settled in for a  screening of The Hunger Games behind someone with a tenuous grasp of irony stuffing their face with nachos, or a pizza, or hot dogs - WHICH THEY SELL AT THE CONCESSION STAND. Yes, you are actually encouraged to eat a stinky, steamy meal at the movies.

And try sitting back and enjoying Prometheus while the person next to you plays Angry Birds on their mobile phone the entire time – WITH THE SOUND ON.

When I saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (which could hardly be accused of being a dull film) the guy in front of me spent the duration checking his text messages and darting out the door. I was convinced he was dealing drugs, which frankly would have been the only sane explanation for why he'd spent $20 on a film he wasn't going to watch.

Back in Adelaide, I'd avoid going to the cinema for much slighter reasons. Not being able to park right out the front, for example, or having to sit next to someone who breathed a bit too heavily.

But after nine months and at least six films either wholly or partially ruined by New Yorkers, I now see that Adelaide cinemas are a veritable paradise of serenity and good manners.

So next time you're at the movies and the person behind you starts crinkling their choc-top wrapper and rattling their Kool Fruits just relax, and remember: they could be crunching nachos.

---

This article was first published in Messenger News on June 7, 2012.

White Stripes 'Conquest' backwards is badass

YouTube proves Jack White is even more awesome in reverse.

As all-encompassing as my  love  for  Jack  White  is, even I have my occasional limits (no, really). One of those limits is The White Stripes' cover of Conquest, off 2007 album Icky Thump.

It kinda sucks. I mean, it's sort of passable up until about 1.06... then it sucks. Then it gets good again around 2.30... then it goes straight back to Sucktown.



The video isn't much better.

But today I discovered something amazing. Thanks to an enterprising soul on YouTube, I now know that Conquest is 187% improved by playing the song backwards. 



What do you think?

Beverly Hills 90210 GIF recaps

In case you hadn't noticed, the 1990s are back in fashion again. Everyone's wearing high waisted coloured jeans and Converse sneakers and Wayfarer sunnies, worrying about AIDS* and reminiscing about cassette tapes they've never actually used but have heard their mums and dads talking about. (*may not actually be true.)

Sadly it seems the only '90s relic that hasn't yet been resurrected is decent rock music, so we're all stuck listening to Gotye and Lana Del Rey while the Red Hot Chili Peppers try and work out how to stop being shit.

Once all the 20-somethings realise how drastically awful crochet is, how bodysuits really don't flatter everyone and how Doc Martens don't actually go with everything, I'm sure the trend will die out. But in the meantime I figured I might as well jump on the '90s bandwagon and try to discover what the new generation finds so entrancing about this glorious decade of my youth by reliving it - through episodes of Beverly Hills 90210.

Who the hell is that kid on the right?


Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Top 5 web TV series to waste time on

Want edgy comedy and inspiring drama? Switch off your television. 

Remember when Australian free-to-air television was really provocative and daring? When the commercial networks took risks with programming and ran intelligent, thought-provoking drama and edgy comedy that occasionally fell outside “mainstream” interests?

Nah, me neither.

So thank goodness for high speed internet and the wonders of streaming web video, or we'd all be stuck watching two-year-old, already axed American shows and endless repeats of Young Talent Time or whatever other 1980s reject they're reworking this week. (And just quietly, Channel Nine, I've got one word for you: Chances. Just think about it.)

The web has proven fertile ground for innovative and intelligent film makers from around the world, which means there is a plethora of free drama and comedy series at your fingertips just waiting to be discovered.

Bored with TV? Switch on your laptop, whip out your smartphone or fire up your iPad and check out:



BONDI HIPSTERS

Everybody loves poking fun at hipsters – they eat organic tofu, wear 1990s fashion in “ironic” ways and say things like “totes amazeballs”, so laughing at them is inevitable. Even more so in this hilarious weekly web series by Australian YouTube kings Christiaan Van Vuuren (who you may remember from his 2009 “fully sick rapper” viral video) and Nick Boshier (2008 YouTube sensation “Trent from Punchy”). As permanently vagued-out Bondi Beach locals Dom and Adrian, the duo share their insights on fashion, music and picking up chicks.

...

EVENT ZERO

The explosive premiere of this new seven-part Aussie drama, which launched on May 22, hints at a series reminiscent of terrorist thriller 24 crossed with apocalyptic horror flick 28 Days. It begins with emergency workers rushing to a violent train derailment in the centre of Sydney. But as seemingly unharmed victims pulled from the wreckage start dying of unexplained causes it becomes clear something much more sinister and mysterious is unfolding.

...

WEB THERAPY

Lisa Kudrow may have been the least funny Friend (it's OK, we can admit that now) but she's broken new comedic ground with this improvised series in which she plays Fiona Wallace, a therapist with limited patience for people with problems. She keeps her therapy sessions – conducted via internet video chat - to a tight three minutes, leading to some very unhelpful (but very amusing) advice.


...

CULINARY PROPAGANDA

Are you a self-loathing vegan? Do you want to annoy a vegan? Try this offbeat cooking show, in which chef of indeterminate Eastern European origin “Szef Bartek” teaches you a range of recipes and kitchen skills you never knew you wanted, rapidly intercut with retro footage and music. This is probably what 1950s communist propaganda would have looked like if MTV had made it. (Also: the recipes are actually pretty good.)

...

WIGS

Terrible name notwithstanding (it apparently stands for “where it gets interesting”), this YouTube channel was devised by Black Swan producer Jon Avnet and Sideways actress Virginia Madsen to create episodic web dramas featuring quality roles for women. So far the channel has more than 20 videos divided between two storylines starring such names as Jennifer Garner (left) and True Blood actor Stephen Moyer.

---

This article was first published in the Adelaide Sunday Mail's TV Guide on June 2, 2012.