Sunday, August 04, 2013

S8E3: Australia's Next Top Model Recap

After the modelettes' whirlwind trip to Thailand to listen to old men drone on about their parents and stand next to elephants for a bit, the unbridled glamour continues in episode 3 as Ashley is admitted to hospital with acute appendicitis.


Meanwhile, the rest of the modelettes are sitting around crying, holding prayer circles and folding paper cranes for her as they try to distract themselves from their grief.

As if. Actually they're whooping it up in their new house, running around naming things like a bunch of mentally challenged kids who've just learned their first words.


"I'm a westie, which means I'm from a 'lower socio-economic area'," says Jade, complete with finger quotes.

I think she means "wanker". Wankers use finger quotes, not westies.

Suddenly J-Haw turns up, to read out the list of prizes they'll win if they make it through to the end without being eaten by Dawson or Pezza, which includes a packet of crisps...

Wait for it....

...a buy one get one free Gold Class ticket to Greater Union...

...wait for it...

 ...and a 50% off voucher for the Dapto Muffin Break.


Then they all go running through the house again choosing where they're going to sleep and listing off who they like and who they think is going to "cause drama in the house", and it's all really fascinating except for the bit that isn't, which is all of it.

Suddenly J-Haw melts out of a wall like the Terminator and announces the house is equipped with its own Myer Miss Shop outlet, otherwise known as "a room with some clothes on hangers in it", which is nice - just when you think you're getting old, you discover Miss Shop is still a thing,

Everyone is beyond excited.

Dajana is "far keen" about the situation. At least, I think that's what she said.

But that's nothing compared to the delights that await them in the kitchen, where some personal trainer called James has lined up a stack of cupcakes and chocolate next to a bunch of carrots and celery in what looks to be the world's easiest nutrition exam.

"Sugar is a substance that literally drags collagen out of your face and makes you old," he says.

File that one under "More shit you don't have to worry about when you're 17".
Also: Benetton ad, anyone?

James makes them a smoothie out of spinach and celery that looks remarkably like snot, which turns out to be some sort of mind-altering substance as after they drink it they all do this:

"Don't throw out those biscuits, there are children starving in Afri... oh hi, Duckie!"

Nutrition lesson learned (spinach goes in blender, biscuits go in bin), it's time for a message from a D-grade celeb, which this week comes courtesy of THIS WOMAN:

I've no idea who she is, but she has a very large vase.

Fortunately the modelettes all seem to know who she is, and are suitably impressed, except for Taylor who's still all like "I miss my horse". She's my favourite.

The blonde woman on the TV tells them to put on the clothes that have been laid out for them and leave the house in 10 minutes, which is sort of how I imagine the apocalypse will one day be announced.

"We were all kind of guessing it was going to be something fitness related," says one.


"I never exercise like, I think I've been to the gym, like... I joined up for like, a week," says Taylor, cementing herself further as like, my favourite.

They all drive out to some field somewhere and one of the anonymous horde (seriously, who ever knows who's speaking in this show?) recognises nutritionist James and gets excited.

"As soon as I saw James I knew we were going to do some physical activity," she says, apparently having not been already tipped off by the fact that they've all been made to wear running shoes and gym clothes. Smart, see?

"This challenge is SO BIG I'm gonna need back up," says James, giving the cue for the producers to fire up the tractor that's attached to DidHe's quad bike, pulling him into shot.

Born to be mild.

DidntHe? looks super buff and macho riding his hog, until he looks down and...

L is for Loser.

As it turns out "L" is actually for "ladylike", as DidHe dismounts the bike in the most flamboyant way possible, completely ruining whatever manly credit he may have earned in the previous 30 seconds.

"Can can? OF COURSE I CAN!"

After quickly checking his hair and lippy, DidHe? announces the modelettes will all be put through an "army assault course" which, sadly, doesn't involve any actual assault (I think the insurance costs were probably prohibitive for that) but will involve lots of mud and crawling around, often at the same time.

Quite what any of this has to do with modelling is unclear, until DidHe? clears it all up for us.

"This will show who really wants this, and who has the fight - not just in a photo shoot - but who has the fight in... an obstacle course," he says.

"Don't blame me, I'm just reading the autocue."

Rhiannon craps on about how little she exercises because "I've always been really thin", and I reach for the remote while simultaneously throwing up and screaming obscenities at the TV.

"I can't even look at you," says trainer James in disgust.

"You think you can't look at her now - imagine later when she's covered in mud!" chuckles DidHe.

Dude, what?

Henceforth, in recognition of his linguistic-based services to WTF-ism, DidHe? will now be known as Zoolander.

They're both really, really goodlooking.

What follows is 10 minutes of teenage girls in white singlet tops get soaking wet and muddy, otherwise known as "the part of the show daddy likes to watch". Fortunately no one questions the appropriateness of filming teenage girls in what is effectively a wet T shirt competition and we all move on.

Either they're expecting friction from the modelettes' thighs to create a fire, or that extinguisher is there to ensure everyone stays as wet as possible.

Back at Model HQ the girls are all rewarded for their 20 minutes of physical activity with giant goody bags stuffed with whatever products are sponsoring the show this year. This includes such glittering prizes as shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste, as well as a Nissan sticker.

Suddenly - ASHLEY'S BACK!


Oh, her. Right.

"They removed my appendix, not my arm, so it's definitely not stopping me," says Ashley, explaining the difference between an appendectomy and limb amputation for anyone who may have been confused.

Next they head to a gym where they find Dawson in the middle of an exhausting facial workout.


She tells them they'll all be emulating "Olympians" for their photo shoot, by which I hope she means they'll all be dropping Stilnox and prank calling Pezza in the middle of the night.

"I want you to use your intuition when it comes to the gym equipment," says the photographer, who's just appeared out of nowhere.

This is my intuitive response to the gym.

My intuitive response to spin class.

And weights.

Olympic photo shoot in a nutshell:

  • Taylah looks SO DROP DEAD AMAZING my head explodes, and I have to spend the next five minutes scouring the floor for all the pieces to put it back together again, which is great because it means I miss Jade going on about how much she loves exercise. Blergh.
  • Wednesday Addams mishears "Olympic photo shoot" as "90s music video backup dancer photo shoot":

    "Do to me what your eyes say you wanna do!"

  • April mishears "Olympic photo shoot" as "Keira Knightley cast in a Hollywood remake of Prisoner photo shoot":

    "That Vinegar Tits ain't got nuffink on me."

  • Everyone agrees Madeline is beautiful except the camera, which consistently produces average photos of her.
  • Shanali has a super tough time in her shoot on account of her having to wear a jacket, making her THAT much warmer than the other contestants. Time will tell whether this drastic disadvantage has affected her performance.
  • Dajana manages to pop in to the shoot on her way home from the airport, where she's just landed on a Tiger flight direct from Kuta Beach:

    "It only cost $5!"

  • Because recently appendect-ised Ashley is gratuitously holding her stomach in front of anyone who will pay attention, she gets to lie down on a weight machine for her photo. Coincidentally, lying down and groaning is also what I do every time I see gym equipment.

And with that it's on to the elimination warehouse, where unwanted models are dried out, crushed up and compressed into tablet form to be sold as nutritional supplements in James and Zoolander's new supermarket line.

Only $29.95.

J-Haw greets them and once again refuses to be captured in a bad screenshot.

Although this one comes close.

The air is so thick with tension you could cut it with a knife. Or maybe that's just how the air gets when you fill a room with 12 nervous girls who've eaten nothing but spinach and celery smoothies all week.

"Phew. was there asparagus in there too?"

OK, time for the picture bitch:

  • Taylor's photo is less "sporty luxe" and more "cell block H":

    This is a more convincing prison look than Taylor pulled off in the actual "prison" shoot in episode one.

  • Brooke looks like she's just been hit full throttle with the collective gas of the entire model house.

    Never stand downwind of a group of models on a juice diet.
  • Duckie manages to drop by the warehouse, even though she's on her way to a Donald Trump lookalike contest:

    "I'm not eliminated - YOU'RE FIRED!"

  • The USB drive containing Rhiannon's photo gets lost, but they manage to recreate the shot using a cardboard cutout and nobody notices:

    Just as natural as the real thing.

  • Shanali looks like an extra from the adult S & M fantasy version of "The Hunger Games", blames jacket.

    If only she hadn't been cursed with that jacket this photo would be... nah, it'd still be bad.

  • Despite previously assuring everyone she hadn't had her arm cut off, it seems Ashley did however have a dead hand surgically attached to her head during her recent hospital stay.

    How she managed to keep that hidden is anyone's guess.

  • Meanwhile, I don't even know what to say about Abbie's photo.
    Except "there is no way she's ever lifting those weights".

  • I'm not sure, but I don't think Dawson likes April's photo much:
    Maybe it's like "She's so gorgeous she makes me sick"? No?

  • "I don't think she's photogenic, and it's like pushing shit uphill," says Pezza os Taylor. I'm not sure, but I don't think he likes her much.
  • Suddenly, Dawson says something Pezza agrees with, which prompts him to make this face - which may well be the most hypnotic GIF I've ever made:
    I sincerely hope Alex Perry uses this in his email signature on all his professional communiques from now on.

With the picture bitch over it's time to whittle 14 down to 13 (yes, after this we will still have 13 finalists - this shit is going to be on FOREVER).

Brooke Shields, Keira Knightley and Donald Trump all go through, but Taylor the Prisoner extra and Madeline the chronically unphotogenic are left at J-Haw's altar. Who will be sacrificed, drained and fed to Dawson's poodles?

I won't pretend there's any real tension here - it's Taylor.

She cries, they hug, and the emotional guitar music this show obviously bought a 10 year license for because they've been using it in every episode since 2007 starts playing as Taylor walks out of the warehouse and off into the sunset.

And with that it's over to Zoolander's house where he's been watching the show on his couch. How did you like tonight's episode, Didier?

"Oh I'm not watching TV - there's a mirror over there."

Go back in time and read EPISODE 2 ... 


  1. what's the name of the guy at the end? he's hot

    1. That'd be Didier Cohen. He's on Twitter.