Wednesday, March 19, 2014

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 6, Episode 4

This week's episode kicks off in the Werq Room, where everyone is collectively trying to erase the memory of Vivacious' sea urchin outfit from last week.

Particularly affected is Gia Gunn, who is so overcome by visions of shiny black and red foam-filled spikes she starts undressing and writhing around, grabbing her boobs and moaning.

"What are you, in a White Snake video or something?" snarks Bianca Del Rio.

90 SECONDS IN AND BIANCA OWNS IT.


"Being fish is not going to win you this competition," Bianca continues.

Well it didn't work for Magnolia Crawford.

Oooh girl - it's SHE-MAIL TIME! And judging by all the "wicked" puns about "kinky boots" and "chorus lines" in this week's video missive, it looks like the queens' next challenge is going to focus on musical theatre.

Ooh, I hope Adele Dazeem turns up!

 Suddenly there's a distant rumbling, a hellish vibration that sends tremors deep into the queens' very souls and makes the hairs on their skin stand up. (Well, it would if they HAD any hairs on their skin.) The skies outside darken, the lights flicker and an eerie hush falls over the Werq Room. Laganja starts speaking in tongues and everyone screams - but then they realise that's not really out of the ordinary...

"COME ON MUSICAL THEATRE!"

The door begins to rattle and shake and then thump on its hinges, as though some supernatural force of horror is trying to push its way on to the show. With an almighty crack the door bursts off its hinges and...

SHE'S BAAAA-AAAACK!

No actually it's just RuPaul, who has stopped past the studio en route to shooting a commercial for his new charity, which raises funds for victims of spray tanning accidents.

The victim he's brought with him is a particularly heart-rending case.

"When you're famous, people scrutinise every inch of your charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent," says Ru.

They sure do.

Because of this, or in spite of this, or maybe for no reason whatsoever other than filling up five minutes of TV, RuPaul sets up a highly politically incorrect game of "Female or She-male", making all the queens guess whether certain celebrities are "biological" or "psychological" women.

"I don't get it, what's the difference?"

Under the microscope are "Tan Mom", Tyra Banks, Christina Aguilera, female wrestler Chyna, former Drag Race contestants Raven and Detox and Michelle Visage, who was absolutely genuinely mistaken for a transvestite by Darienne Lake and totally not part of a set-up gag to poke fun at her look. Totally.

Ben De La Creme and Adore Delano win for some reason and so are made team captains for the next challenge: staging a production of new Broadway hit Shade: The Rusical, which I think is a musical about skin cancer and the importance of being sun smart.

De La picks Bianca Del Rio and Courtney Act for her team so will obviously win. Unfortunately she also gets stuck with Trinity K Bonet, so hopefully there's a role in this show that involves looking fabulous but saying and doing absolutely nothing.

Like the set.

Rehearsals start in earnest, and with both Adore and Courtney being former Idols, it's clear this battle will be hard fought. Both launch into an epic sing-off.

Critics rave: "Shade: The Rusical is DYNAMITE! Or maybe Semtex. Or fission."

Meanwhile the one contestant everyone wishes would actually blow up is Gia Gunn, whose singing voice, according to Milk, sounds like "nails on a chalkboard". Not that anybody is listening to him because SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS:

Possible captions for this picture include: "Got Milk? You wish!", "Warm Milk? More like HOT Milk!" and "Oh my god how bloody attractive is Milk?".

"Gia's voice is kind of like if Fran Drescher got steamrolled by a dying duck," says Darienne Lake, which is a better joke than I could ever come up with so all the points to her.

"YOOO HOOOOOO!" bellows a giant Twix bar that's just walked into the room.

Oh wait, it's just RuPaul.

Ru asks Ben De La Creme who's going to be singing the main part in the musical, and De La nominates someone called "Courtney Ict", which sounds like a New Zealander with a learning disability but which I think is actually her version of an Australian accent. Note to Ben: the American "R" pronunciation has already ruined the pun, please don't make it worse.

"The latest thing I've been working on is my 'whistle tone'," Courtney tells RuPaul, before doing a pitch perfect impression of a kettle.

"COME ON, TEA TIME!" shouts Laganja Estranja.

See what I did there?

Trinity K Bonet admits she's not feeling confident in her acting and singing abilities, but she is feeling confident about being able to mend any lost buttons at a moment's notice.

When people call her a pinhead, she takes it as a compliment.

Over on Adore's team Joslyn Fox announces she'll be playing the role of "the butch queen".

"Where are you going to draw inspiration from?" asks RuPaul.

"Bianca Del Rio," snaps Joslyn.

OK, I have to pay that.

Over in the studio, Ben De La Creme's team has stopped in for a quick rehearsal on their way to a "come as your favourite musical theatre character" themed fancy dress party at Santino's house.


De La is dressed as Tramparella the Tranny Cat from Cats, Gia Gunn is going as one of Felicia's legs from Priscilla Queen of the Desert, while Courtney is in costume as the titular role from Hilary Clinton: The Musical.

Trinity is dressed as one of the gangster molls from off-Broadway flop (Bitch, I Am From) Chicago, while Darienne Lake has chosen the role of "floor rug" from Rent. Meanwhile Bianca Del Rio is Mitzy, the only sailor in South Pacific who WAS like a dame.

On with the rehearsal, and Courtney totally pretends she can't sing very well, so as to blow everyone away when she finally appears on stage and sings like Mariah Carey. I hope.

Gia Gunn is playing the role of "comedy queen", which is great because during rehearsal she has to have a fart joke explained to her. So that will probably all be fine.

Bianca Del Rio teams up with Trinity K Bonet to learn their choreography, which all goes to hell when Trinity complains that she can't turn around while wearing a dress.

What, you guys? Turning is hard enough without having to do it in a dress.

Next on stage is Team Adore who is somehow, improbably, even worse than De La's team at appearing talented and coordinated.

"I'm not... gonna stick... around... and be... a part of her SHOW!" sings April Carrion, in much the same way a stereo would if you threw it in a blender while it was playing.

"That sort of rhythmic, talk-singing you're doing right now is not coming off great," says the director, in what is a contender for the 2014 Understatement of the Year Awards.

"I need to prove I can do this for my team, so I can't be a 'Downward Debbie'... or... I dunno what her name is," says April.

Hint: It's not "Downward Debbie".

Back in the Werq Room, it's becoming clear that Ben De La Creme's production of Shade: The Rusical is going to be one of the most glamorous and elegant stage shows Broadway has ever seen:

Dazzling costumes!


Expensive wigs!


and... THIS!

Despite all the glitz and glamour Trinity is still moping around whingeing about having to actually do something, so Gia demonstrates where she can stick her problems:

Unless she's demonstrating... no, never mind.

Things get worse when Trinity complains about the "difficultness" of the choreography, and then criticises Bianca for getting her part wrong. This is a bit like getting mad at the ground when you trip over. If the ground was covered in sparkles and was the most amazing ground you'd ever walked on.

"I would suggest you need to figure out what you need to do prior to telling me what I'm not doing right," hisses Bianca.

"Oh that's right because you NEVER do anything wrong," welps Trinity.

Yeah, pretty much.

Wavy lines, doobly-doo music, more wavy lines, and suddenly it's the next day and all the queens are back in the Werq Room putting their runway looks together, which this week must conform to the theme "Tony Awards Glamour".

Sadly Laganja Estranja thought it was "Toni Basil Glamour", so has to redo her entire outfit again from scratch.

Oh Mickey you're so... AAAAGH!

But enough of all that...

IT'S CATWALK TIME!

* In an attempt to win over Milton Bradley as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as a giant Trivial Pursuit pie counter.

If she could only answer one of the orange sports questions she'd have enough to win.

* The other judges are there. I continue to have nothing funny to say about Santino.

* Team Ben De La Creme kicks off Act One of Shade: The Rusical, which appears to be the story of a Virgin Airlines flight attendant having an acid flashback.

That's the first time in a long time the word "virgin" has been applied to Courtney.

* And you know what? I have literally nothing funny to say about any De La's queens because their performance is completely awesome and they are all beyond excellent, even Trinity who, as usual, succumbs to the magic powers of the runway to become super talented in the eleventh hour. Also, this happens:

Which is excellent.

No kidding, I would pay actual, real money to see this musical, with this cast, in these exact costumes. RuPaul, get on that, please.

Fortunately for the sake of my comedy, Team Adore is up next with Act Two, and they suck.

* Milk kicks off proceedings looking like something the cat dragged in, while it's still attached to the cat:

I prefer my dairy to be fresher than this.

* Adore Delano struts out looking like Amy Winehouse after a three day Xanax and Jack Daniels bender. Fortunately she also sounds a bit like her (albeit with a minor headcold) so, you know, that's something.

It's such a pity she fell into that pot of shoe polish on the way to the stage though.

* None of them is quite as bad as April Carrion however, whose weird intonation and line delivery makes her sound like Eminem's disabled half-sister, Feminem.

* Milk starts singing the big final number, and I begin to suspect I may be lactose intolerant.

But then I remember this. Ahh.

* Finally it's all over, and it's time to send in the clowns. So without further ado...

IT'S CATWALK TIME! (FOR REAL, THIS TIME)

* Inspired by Ru's turn as a Twix earlier in the day, Bianca Del Rio does an impression of a Crunchie bar, looks just as delicious.

Artist's impression.

* Having run out of both ideas and fabric, Darienne Lake cuts out the excess seams from her episode two outfit and sews them to the bottom to make what now looks like a wheelie-bin sized version of Elton John's garbage bag.

Does she own shares in a green sequin company or what?

* Proving that this season it is apparently mandatory for someone to wear a manky old stuffed crow to every runway ceremony, Laganja Estranja wears a manky old stuffed crow.

April Carrion looks exactly like Gloria Estefan, if Gloria Estefan suffered from a weird skin disease that caused her to break out in little white pustules all over her body.

Doesn't she? Tell me I'm not the only one who sees this.

* This week sponsored by the Gay Men's Health Alliance of North America, The Pride of Australia Courtney Act dip-dyes her hair to raise awareness for pink eye sufferers.

NB: Pink eye is not as glamorous as this.

* MILK IS PREGNANT.

 I have no idea how this says "Tony Awards glamour", but I don't care.

* If you squint, Adore Delano looks like Megan Fox. If you don't, she looks like Adore Delano.

* Bianca, Milk, Laganja, Gia and Joslyn are all declared safe.

Milk is so pleased she has to blink back happy tears.

* Michelle Visage criticises Trinity K Bonet for mumbling her lines in the musical, to which Trinity replies: "Every star was crap before they became the shit".

It's true. Look at this early photo of Madonna.

* "Why do you think Gia is safe, and you're here?" Ru asks Darienne.

"Because I think I'm one of the top three," Darienne says.

Well look at you, girl!

* The judges tell Ben De La Creme "less is best - take something away", so she removes the giant malignant growth from her shoulder.

Which is probably for the best, as she doesn't have healthcare and surgery would have cost a bomb.

* Michelle Visage says she didn't love De La's performance in the musical. Santino said he did and that it was great. Santino is correct, so he wins all Michelle's points. Thanks for playing, everybody.

* Special guest judge Sheryl Lee Ralph tells April Carrion it looks like she has a beard on her forehead. Backstage, Milk thinks "Great idea!" and writes it down for later.

* "WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING A WAIST CINCHER?" Michelle shrieks at Adore Delano. But then she says "Party!" so everyone forgives her.

* And RuPaul reveals Trinity wears "flippers" when in drag, which immediately clears up why she had such trouble turning around earlier. But then Ru explains they're worn on the teeth, so obviously she's just got motor skills problems.

There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Swizzlers: Bacon Flavoured Cocktail Straws for Dogs. Who needs big name sponsors eh?

RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a two-for-one car wash voucher, a some-expenses-paid trip to the San Antonio barbed wire museum and a packet of Mentos, before declaring TPOA Courtney Act the evening's winner (naturally) and sending Trinity K Bonet and April Carrion to the bottom two to lip sync for their lives.

Wait. Trinity? Really?

Let's ask the other Trinity - the Bland Canyon Drag Race Holy Trinity of Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon and Alaska Thunderfuck - what they think.

Your opinion, HT?

Dead on, as always.

Still, Ru has spoken, so the duo launches into a lip sync battle to Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman", a song known for its subtlety and calming properties.

Both queens are slaying it, and it's neck and neck - until they get to the bridge and April opts to sing the backing vocals while Trinity takes the lead. While also standing in front of her. And then dropping to her knees for a power-wail.

Game over.

Shantay, Trinity stays. And with a tear in her eye, April Carrion sashays away to take her place in history as the only carrion you'd consider sticking your tongue in. Or, you know, at least having a drink with.

Any final words, April?

"If only they'd played Dr Beat."

Now, go forth and READ EPISODE FIVE! ... Or if you prefer, go back and READ EPISODE 3.



12 comments :

  1. Both Crunchy and Twix bar references? Girl, have a snack! You seem hungry. Though all T no shade—you are a brilliant bitch and these recaps are seriously everything.

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    1. Oh my god... Maybe I AM hungry...! Thanks for the kind words, glad you're enjoying my recaps. :)

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  2. Ahaha - this is so on point!

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    1. Not as on point as Magnolia's nose... ;)

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  3. Whitesnake is one word. :)

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    1. Oops! I am SO not punk. :)

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    2. They were hair metal :-)

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  4. Did I speak out of turn?
    Is it my Asian accent?
    Is it because I am Burmese?
    I don't understand.

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  5. This is forever late but April DID play Gloria Estefan in Gloria's video for "Hotel Nacional." So you aren't wrong.

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  6. You win the internet.

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