Wednesday, March 26, 2014

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 6, Episode 5

Having just bid farewell to Gloria Estefan's slightly more mannish half-sister April Carrion at the end of the last episode, all the queens are back in the Werq Room saying things like "OOOH GURL!" and "DOOZY!" and, if you're Laganja Estranja and feel the need to point out obvious things in catchphrase form: "THAT WAS A LIP SYNC, Y'ALL!"

Exactly 82 seconds elapses and Darienne Lake realises no one's thrown any shade yet, so she spins around in a circle and vomits on the first queen she sees.

"When it comes to Milk and her fashion, I don't get it," she says.

Really? It makes perfect sense to the rest of us.



"We're playing major league baseball and she's playing checkers. We're not even in the same game," she snips.

This about sums THAT up.

"Darienne, you ended up in the bottom three, you weren't expecting that!" chirps the ever-cheery Ben De La Creme, deftly fracturing Darienne's dreams of making the World Series and prompting her to continue her Milk rant.

"I was giving you Adele going to the Tonys, I was not giving you Phyllis Diller going to the delivery room," she blahs.

This is neither accurate nor fair, but I reserve the right to be mean because Milk.

Over in the corner, Laganja Estranja has finished spouting catchphrases long enough to tell Adore Delano how she received a video message from her parents in the untucked lounge, and everyone ruined it for her by being friendly and supportive.

"It was a hard moment, because the girls kind of jumped in immediately and started talking over me," she whines.

Given that what the other queens did amounted to friendly banter, I can only assume that bird has been feeding on Laganja's brain.

It seems she's most upset at Bianca Del Rio for cracking a joke at what was A Very Important And Sacred Moment That Laganja Had Been Waiting For Her Whole Life And Should Have Been Respected.

Bianca's reaction?

She's obviously really cut up.

Fortunately it seems Laganja is over her melancholy by the next morning, as she turns up in the Werq Room overflowing with catchphrases and wearing a turban like something out of Star Wars, or as Bianca puts it: "a macrame plant holder."

"I always thought you looked a bit ropey, but not literally, girl."

"WELL GIRL, I'M YOUNG AND HUNG AND CLEARLY MARCH TO THE SOUND OF MY OWN DRUM, SO PROPS TO YA, MAMA!" Laganja shrieks at no one in particular.

I'm not just being cute here, I mean she literally yells that out to nobody, for no reason whatsoever.

This is the appropriate reaction to Laganja's outburst.

And so begins the inaugural Werq Room Battle of Wits, featuring Laganja "Come On!" Estranja versus Bianca "I Can Read In My Sleep" Del Rio.

Place your bets - *ding! ding!*

ROUND ONE:

Bianca: "The question is, what happened to the plant that was in (your hat), hanging in your hotel room earlier?"

Laganja: "Oh I smoked that plant, TRUST AND BELIEVE!"

Bianca: "That would explain the fashion choice."

K-O IN ONE ROUND, BIANCA WINS. Thanks for playing, everybody.

Suddenly there's a distant rumbling followed by an eerie howl, and a crack of lightning splits the sky. Darienne's head starts spinning around and Milk backs away, afraid she might vomit on her again. The chandeliers start swinging violently, dropping crystals all over the Werq Room floor where Trinity scurries around collecting them, muttering something about making a costume tribute to the Dangerously In Love album cover.

Then the door creaks open and... Oh look you know the deal by now, it's just RuPaul. Whatever.

Except this time it's exciting: he's popped in to tell the girls they're off to play the Snatch Game! And as anyone who has ever watched RuPaul's Drag Race before can tell you, this means THIS IS GOING TO BE THE GREATEST EPISODE OF THE ENTIRE SEASON.

For the uninitiated (hello, why are you here?): the Snatch Game is a draggy satire of long-running American game show Match Game, where contestants have to match answers to "fill in the blank" questions with a panel of celebrity participants. Except in this case, the queens play the celebrities.

Invariably someone tries to impersonate Beyonce and fails miserably (looking at you, Trinity K Bonet), but when you think about it basically everyone has been a Snatch Game failure compared to the greatest snatcher of all time, Jinkx Monsoon, who last year did Edie Beale from Grey Gardens and will never be bettered, ever.

This may be the worst video of all time. Sorry bout it.

All the queens are super excited by the news, especially Adore Delano who has already decided to go as Ralph Macchio from The Karate Kid after experimental brain surgery:

"Wax on... er, wait, what comes after that?"

Laganja reveals she is going as celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe, a blonde with annoying catchphrases and a whiny voice - so hardly a stretch, artistically.

Bianca Del Rio, meanwhile, has chosen Judge Judy which might be the most inspired choice since Little Edie. Or it could be the worst choice ever, as RuPaul reveals he is JJ's biggest fan and watches every single episode - so Bianca better not fuck it up.

"Oh bother."

Not to be outdone, Ben De La Creme has opted for Maggie Smith which... well. Is Maggie Smith funny?

No, but this kinda is.

Over on the other side of the Werq Room Milk is preparing to be Julia Child, so she should probably change her name to Butter. Or at least Double Cream.

"How are you going to make that funny?" asks RuPaul.

"Well she wrote a 730 page book about French cooking so.. I mean... she... she's smart... she's a smart girl," Milk says.

That tumbleweed is working for its money tonight.

"Have you seen Snatch Game on our show?" asks RuPaul.

"What show?" says Milk.

Girl. What.

"I'd rather have low expectations so I can blow you away," chirps Milk.

"Well. You've succeeded," says RuPaul, looking genuinely pissed off.

Sooo... THIS will be interesting.

Gia Gunn tells RuPaul she's going to be someone I've never heard of called Selena, and that she'll be funny because "she cracks a few jokes here and there, also referring to other things".

SOUNDS HILARIOUS, GIA.

As he sashays out the door, leaving a trail of misery and angst in his wake, RuPaul throws one more clump into the queens' mascara by announcing their runway look this week will be...

Sadly, no.

Regrettably, not this either.

THIS.
(I'm sure there are better photos of her somewhere, I just grabbed the first one I could find...)

Yes, all the queens will have to do their best "RuPaul look" for the runway. I hope someone does her circa Project Runway, as above. Maybe Milk could do it, it seems like Ru is already pissed off with her anyway.

Anyway we'll deal with that later - right now it's...

SNATCH GAME TIME!

* Adore Delano dresses up as Anna Nicole Smith, gives more Anna Nicole Smith realness than Anna Nicole Smith:

What Anna Nicole dreamed of looking like.

* When Judge Judy dies, Bianca Del Rio can take her place. And that of her bailiff:

IF she ever dies. I'm not sure Judge Judy is human.

* "Have you brought your lovin' oven?" RuPaul asks Milk, who is dressed as Julia Child.

"I sure have, it's right under this desk!" Milk jokes. If that qualifies as a joke.

Yep.

* Suddenly Darienne notices Fran Drescher sitting on the end of the panel and rushes over to get an autograph - but it turns out to be The Pride of Australia Courtney Act in one of the most convincing costumes ever:

Yeah, I'm biased. You still have to admit this is good.

* Speaking of Darienne - she pulls out a pretty decent Paula Deen, stuffing butter in her mouth and calling RuPaul a "peach", which is a nice change from what the real Paula Deen usually calls black people.

* Laganja Estranga is 100 per cent accurate as Rachel Zoe - if her impression is of Rachel Zoe after she woke up from a five year coma with foreign accent syndrome and thought she was Pandora Boxx:

Add sunglasses and congrats - it's twins!

* Equally as impressive is Gia Gunn, who has ditched the Selena idea and bucked the celebrity trend by choosing to represent a "native American wearing a sweater":

Oh wait, that's Kim Kardashian? Really?

* Ben De La Creme ages Maggie Smith to look somewhere between 130 and the crypt and makes her sound like the queen on valium, but saves it all by cracking some whip-smart one liners. Girl got talent.

* Despite wearing the most Muppety looking boobs this side of Miss Piggy's dressing room Trinity K Bonet looks a dead ringer for Nicki Minaj:

Also acts like her, by having nothing interesting to say.

Milk tries to make a joke out of the words "sausage truck", somehow fails.

* "I know I can do a better Fran Drescher than Courtney," snips Joslyn Fox, who is dressed as a Real Housewife of New Jersey. YOUR MISTAKE, GIRL.

* "Is that how Rachel Zoe talks?" Trinity inquires of Laganja. "No? Hmm. That's unfortunate."

It's a great moment.

Feel free to use this wherever appropriate.

* Sadly Trinity's moment of shady brilliance is lost forever when she tries to do a Chad Michaels and changes her wig, thereby forgetting to answer the next question. Trinity is not a multitasker.

This kind of manouevre is basically impossible for Trinity.

* RuPaul asks Gia Gunn why her Kim Kardashian costume sucks so much:

Sadly, Gia hears a totally different question involving the word "sucks".

* Other highlights include Bianca Del Rio shouting "BEAUTY FADES, DUMB IS FOREVER!" at Gia Gunn, Darienne Lake shouting "I'm sweatin' like two rats humpin' in a wool sock!" and Joslyn Fox shouting "PROSTITUTION WHORES!".

All in all, it's safe to say it's one of the best Snatch Games in Drag Race history.

Holy Trinity, what say you?

But of course.
(Although Bianca and Adore came close.)(Admit it.)

Wavy lines, doobly-doo music, more wavy lines... and it's ELIMINATION DAY, which means all the queens are in the Werq Room getting their RuPaul realness together.

As they're all dragging up they indulge in some after-school-special style gasbagging, in which Ben De La Creme admits he was teased at school for being "fat" and "weird", and tears up about his mum dying and OH MY GOD, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS, I WANT TO MAKE BEN A CUP OF TEA AND WRAP HIM IN A BLANKET AND TELL HIM HE'S FIERCE FOREVER.

Then Bianca Del Rio offers to lend Adore a waist cincher so she doesn't get read by Michelle Visage again and it's like WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO THESE BITCHES? Y'ALL TRYINA MAKE ME CRY OR WHAT?

Me right now.
(Full disclosure: I have been drinking.)

Anyway, thank the lord above...

IT'S CATWALK TIME!

* In an attempt to win over antiques auction house Christies as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as this ancient Chinese vase:

It's from the Ho dynasty.

* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage opts for similar attire:

Michelle Vase-age.

* Joslyn Fox is first on the runway with her "RuPaul look", which is unfortunate because she looks more like an ad for Discount Dress Barn:

This comparison is very charitable.

Gia Gunn struts out with a what appears to be a Pomeranian duct taped to her head...

The gown is on point, though.

...and a wonky eye. Again:

I totally stole this joke from Courtney Act.

* Darienne Lake comes out clad in black sequins with an eyemask, declares herself "Girtha Kitt". Milk shade or no Milk shade, I have to give the girl points, she's had the best one-liners all episode.

* Laganja Estranja shouts "COME ON, RUPAUL REALNESS!" and chants "OHHKAYY HUNTY MAMA YASSS FISH FISH FISH" as she saunters down the runway, but no one cares because she looks totally amazing.

* Despite pouring silver sequins all over her body, Bianca Del Rio doesn't shine as RuPaul - girl, what's with that hairdo?

Ru wouldn't even wear her hair like that to a funeral.

But the judges love it, so what the hell do I know. Also: Bianca for president.

* Ben De La Creme totally nails it in canary yellow, looks disarmingly like Michelle Visage in drag as RuPaul... in drag.

It's like the Inception of drag.

* The studio and half the entire block have to be evacuated after TPOA Courtney Act hits the catwalk, sets off all the fire alarms:

Stop relying on that b... OH WHO CARES, LOOK AT HER!

* Suddenly the walls begin to shake, a light falls from the rig above the stage, crashing to the ground. A crack appears at the end of the catwalk and shoots down its entire length, splitting it in two as Santino starts howling...

...IT'S MILK.

Uh oh.

Yes, it appears Milk has come as the male incarnation of Ru, and the judges do not look happy about it. But more on that later.

* Michelle Vase-age tells Laganja her Rachel Zoe impression was more like "the chicken lady from Kids in the Hall". I don't remember that particular sketch, so went Googling and...

 
  ...yes, she's right.

* Laganja cries. Again.

* Having been read the house down under the cement last week, Adore gets read under the foundations, into the soil and down into the earth's core for this week's look.

"There is nothing RuPaul about that wig, nor the look, quite honestly," says Michelle Visage.

Take it from her: SHE KNOWS.

* "Part of me is extremely offended that you would come out on the runway in pants," says Michelle Visage, because women don't wear pants on the planet she comes from.

"But part of me thinks its genius," she continues. She's right, it is.

But that latex bald cap is NOT. Girl, shading?

* "I feel like if I were to put on a beautiful dress like these girls and beautiful hair like them, I would stand out for the wrong reasons and people would laugh at me." says Milk, who has apparently forgotten she is on a show where drag queens dress up in beautiful dresses and hair.

Also: R U OK, MILK?

Oh yeah, I forgot. He's FINE.

There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Happy Hooker latex shoe inserts for the girl on the go. Who needs big name sponsors eh?

RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a packet of promotional Drag Race stickers from 2009, an empty bottle of Crystal Skull vodka (you can put a candle in it or something) and an only slightly opened sachet of Napro Livecolour hair dye, before declaring Ben De La Creme the evening's winner and sending Gia Gunn and Laganja Estranja to the bottom two to lip sync for their lives.

Channeling their Snatch Game alter-egoes Gia hopes for something by Kanye West, while Laganja hopes for anything in a really weird English accent about shoes, but they're both out of luck because it's some song no one under the age of 30 has ever heard of called "Head to Toe" by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam.

Yeah, I dunno either.

It's the most boring song of all time (seriously, who picked this one? Does Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam have dirt on RuPaul or what?) so thankfully Laganja is there to liven it up with some sickening death drops and hot dance moves.

In turn, Gia "gives face".

Look, I don't wanna say that's a BAD strategy, but...

There's a moment where Gia looks like she might come close to upstaging Laganja by ripping her dress off to reveal a spangly catsuit underneath... but it takes her so long that by the time she's finished Laganja has done 50 more death drops, memorised the rest of Lisa Lisa's album and sewn a brand new ball gown.

"I can see the difference in their styles," says Courtney Act.

The difference, of course, being that Laganja is good on stage while Gia isn't.

And so Gia "The Boom Boom" Gunn sashays away, throwing shade at everyone as she goes. She's so furious, even her wig tries to escape:

"Just a few... more... inches... then FREEDOM!"

Now, go on and READ EPISODE SIX. Or go back seven days like Craig David and READ EPISODE FOUR



10 comments :

  1. boo you and this show may get me through this semester of grad school. yet! all the loves,
    yours in shade,
    bench scientist

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    1. Best of luck to you in your studies! I'm glad I'm helping, somehow! :)

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  2. Your reviews are almost better than the actual episodes!

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  3. I was so freaking scared when Milk came out like that. I freaking loved it, but Ru et al love glamour, and reward glamour. I hope Milk pulls it out next week else I fear it will be over! But she's coming to Syd in May, so hopefully I get to see her in all 7ft glory.

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    1. I'm seeing her in Adelaide with ESCHA PA LANTE Yara Sofia! Can't wait.

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  4. Your recaps are the best, but I have to say I LOVE when they do 80's diva classics for the lip syncs like "Head To Toe", "Two Of Hearts", "Looking For A New Love", "It's Raining Men", or "Ain't Nothin' Going On But The Rent".
    Maybe you have to be around 35 and over to remember them though (I was 12 in 1986), but I thought all the kids were into the 80's too.

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  5. Selena was a Mexican-American singer who was just starting to get recognition in the mainstream US music community (she was known in Spanish-speaking circles for her Spanish songs, and a few of her English language songs made it on the radio), but was shot dead by the president of her fan club. There was a movie made about it, with JLo starring as Selena.

    There was nothing funny about Selena.

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  6. Gia gave some Marina and the Diamonds realness with that wig. God bless.

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  7. I found you when I found this show four months ago. You gave me a reason to go back and watch previous seasons to enjoy your recaps. Thank you thank you thank you. I wish you also did untucked. Just so I could read more of your brilliance

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