We kick off this week's episode in the Werq Room where, as usual, everyone is mourning Gia "Boom Boom" Gunn shooting her last load on the runway last week. So to speak.
And where, as usual, Laganja Estranja is making everything all about her.
"In the outside world I'm used to winning, so in this competition it's really hard to see all my friends get a lot of praise, especially Adore, because I don't think her look is as strong as mine and it's really starting to get to me," she whinges.
Wait, what? Adore Delano getting a lot of praise? Let's examine this claim, shall we:
I'm not sure what praise is like where Laganja comes from, but if she wants some of the type Adore is getting I'm sure that can be arranged.
Just as Laganja is setting up the drinks table and booking the catering for her pity party, Trinity K Bonet announces to the room that she is HIV positive. Which rather puts an end to that.
"I want to be an advocate for people in this particular community who are suffering with this and are scared to say something," she says.
"I need people to know that it's OK."
A small moment of seriousness here: good on you Trinity. A brave move, beautifully done.
Sensing everyone is acting caring and nice, Darienne Lake turns on her Terminator vision and tries to find someone to extinguish for no reason.
"I think it's better not to strut around like a peacock when you win, you've got to not be too in love with yourself Ben De La Creme," she hisses.
"I gotta send her home."
Here's a tip Darienne: if you want to be a bitchy queen that people still love, make sure you pick on the right people.
Wavy lines, doobly-doo music, more wavy lines... and it's the next day, when all the queens are getting ready to go to a fancy dress party at RuPaul's place with the theme "Come as your favourite Full House character".
Adore is going as Bob Saget while Ben is Jon Stamos in the episode where he pretends to wear glasses in order to pick up a librarian.
Laganja is Michelle.
Musing on the prospect of a group challenge this week, Adore says "I'm not really a group person, I'm more of a Beyonce type myself."
"At least Beyonce's dresses hit the floor," snips Bianca Del Rio.
"So do your tits!" retorts Adore.
Suddenly there's a loud "WOOOOOP!" noise that for once isn't coming from Laganja, and all the queens run over to the Werq Room TV to receive yet another She-Mail that will be made redundant when RuPaul walks through the door 10 seconds later and explains the challenge in person.
Ten seconds later, RuPaul walks through the door to explain the challenge in person.
Yes, it's the only thing better than the Snatch Game - it's THE READING CHALLENGE, where all the queens stand in a circle and slag each other off for RuPaul's pleasure. It's kind of like how the Colosseum would have been if the Romans had been more gay.
READING CHALLENGE TIME!
* Today I shall be rating the queens' shade-throwing abilities using the international standard shade measurement of Latrice Royales.
* First up, Bianca Del Rio:
On Ben De La Creme: "After seeing you in drag, I realise why Seattle has a high suicide rate!"
On Joslyn Fox: "She's so gay, even her asshole has a lisp!"
* Moving on to Adore Delano:
On Trinity K Bonet: "Your teeth belong in season four - every day is Shark Week with your grill!"
On Laganja Estranja: "Next time you death drop, reverse it and just drop dead!"
* Next up is Trinity K Bonet with the incredibly difficult task of trying to come up with a witty insult for Darienne Lake, a fat man in a dress.
"Um, I weigh like 110, and I'm really scared of you so I'm just going to keep it at that," she says.
* Not content with that terrible effort, Trinity K Bonet goes on to become the first ever Drag Race contestant to read herself by criticising her own hair and revealing she wears clip-on braids.
* Moving on to Milk, who by the way...
On Darienne Lake: "You should be arrested for animal cruelty - the way you abuse those kitten heels on the runway is absolutely criminal!"
* OK hit it, Courtney Act: "Oh Ben De La Creme, the cream always rises to the top! Then again, so does the scum."
On Joslyn Fox: "When we need a low-rent version of Courtney Act, we'll let you know."
* Time for Joslyn Fox to step up:
On Adore: "You know you're from the west coast, because it's a three hour delay before you get a joke."
On Darienne Lake: "She sits reverse cowgirl on the toilet just so she has a flat surface to eat off."
* Nice girl Ben De La Creme is up next:
On Joslyn Fox: "You have some really comforting old fashioned qualities, like how you paint in sepia tones and your voice sounds like a dial-up modem."
* Then there's Laganja Estranja, who's decided not to wear the official reading glasses in favour of a natural look instead:
On Adore Delano: "A-boar De-Lame-o, is that a hog on your body or are you excited to see me?"
On Bianca Del Rio: "Bianca Del Taco Trio, your style is as old and bitter as you - you've even got the Crypt Keeper crying 'boo hoo hoo'!"
* And finally we have Darienne Lake, serving some SPF 500+ shade to Milk: "Your beauty and fashion is listed right on the side of your carton - under 'MISSING'."
On Ben De La Creme: "You remind me of a Russian doll: Full. Of. Yourself."
On Adore Delano: "I'M GOING TO SAY THIS VERY SLOWLY SO YOU UNDERSTAND. YOU'RE DUMB."
Darienne is crowned the winner (WTF happened, Del Rio?), and RuPaul announces the main challenge: a 1990s-style rap battle, drag style.
The queens will have to split into two groups to record a new song "Oh No She Better Don't" with DJ ShyBoy, the musical genius behind the awesome Drag Race season dance remixes.
Will it be better than this? Probably not. Girl, take it easy!
Undeterred by Laganja's complete lack of language skills in the reading challenge, Darienne picks her to be an MC on her team along with Bianca Del Rio, Adore Delano and Courtney Act, making what might be the whitest rap group since Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
"This is the challenge that I've been waiting for!" gasps Laganja.
Laganja gets to work choreographing her team's dance moves before anyone has even heard the song, which you have to admit is kind of impressive, but Adore is not having it.
"I hate this. Bitch, I don't want to look like N Sync, I want to look like Salt N Pepa," she says.
Meanwhile on the other side of the room, Trinity K Bonet is practicing her lines and trying to work out which 1990s icon she's going to emulate for her rap MC persona:
"This would be a great opportunity for you to practice your enunciation," Ben De La Creme instructs Trinity, who is mumbling her way through the song like her name is MC Marblemouth McCantUnderstandYou.
"You don't talk to me about announce-iating. You UN-announce-iate. SHIT," says Trinity, proving her eloquence once and for all.
"This is rap. You ain't supposed to use no syllables, no vowels, this is all street slang," she continues, before explaining more about how language works on her home planet, without words, rhythm or sounds.
Anyway Ben shouldn't worry - it's not like people who mumble their words can't produce a hit rap song:
"This is actually a really fun challenge for me, because I spit ill shit on the fuckin' daily," says Adore Delano.
I think this means she knows how to rap.
"I'm a white lady from the suburbs," says Darienne Lake.
I think this means there is a train wreck ahead.
Suddenly there's a deafening boom which shakes, shakes, shakes the room and causes all the queens to put their hands in the air like they just don't care. Laganja's hair bursts into flames and they realise the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire and dropping embers everywhere, so Joslyn rushes off to get some ice, ice baby but when baby gets back she's so hysterical Bianca declares her insane in the brain and knocks her out. Crisis averted, they all relax with some gin and juice.
Oh and then RuPaul rocks up.
RuPaul announces that Eve, who I've heard of, and Trina, who I haven't, will be showing up to help the queens develop their swagger or kick their game or improve their mack or something, and then buggers off again. Can't she just send them a text with this information? Is she being paid by the hour or what?
Given that absolutely nothing has happened in this episode so far apart from the reading challenge which feels so long ago it might as well have happened at RuPaul's coming out party, Ben De La Creme decides to stir up some trouble by asking Darienne why she didn't pick her for her team.
"I'll be completely honest, it's none of your fucking business," says Darienne.
"When I think '90s rap girl', my first thought isn't to go to De La," she continues.
Darienne's team declares themselves "The Panty Hos" (golf clap) while Ben's team is the "Ru Tang Clan" (raised eyebrow), so without further ado...
IT'S RAP BATTLE CHALLENGE TIME!* 1990s rap was all about being a gangsta, a tough mofo who'll shoot yo ass with a mufuggin AK. Which is clearly why Bianca has chosen to dress like Raggedy Ann going to a costume party as Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez:
* Adore Delano, meanwhile, has delivered on her promise to look like Salt N Pepa. Bitch. Looks. Fabulous:
* Laganja braids her hair so tight she forgets all her words and can only manage "Laganja's on the track... fuck, fuck fuck", which will certainly make it hard to avoid that PARENTAL ADVISORY sticker RuPaul warned them all about.
* Darienne impresses everyone with her knowledge of hip-hop by coming dressed as Missy Elliot from the Supa Dupa Fly video...
...but then ruins all her cred by tripping over her dress and crashing into some rubbish bins.
BONUS: for extra LOLs, watch this moment with the most appropriate soundtrack.
* Over to the Ru Tang Clan, who look like Seduction: The 2014 Reunion Tour.
* Ben De La Creme renames herself "Creminem", misses huge opportunity to call herself "Ben De La Soul". As a 90s hip-hop fan, I am disappointed.
* Milk throws on a scrappy wig attached to a headband and some hoop earrings, looks like Jenny who works the block. Then she starts dancing, looks like Jenny who should be locked up in cell block H.
* Defying all expectations, Trinity delivers her lyrics clearly and free of any enunciation problems.
Then it's back to the Werq Room where all the queens start preparing their runway looks, which this week must fit the theme of "crazy, sexy, cool".
Knowing she has no hope with either "sexy" or "cool", Milk gets straight to work on "crazy".
And with that...
IT'S CATWALK TIME!* In an attempt to win over cereal manufacturer General Mills as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as the drag version of the Lucky Charms leprechaun:
* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage has come as Count Chocula
* First on the runway is Joslyn Fox, aka the queen most likely to make me say "Oh, she's still here?" in about episode 10. Except this time she's wearing what looks like a bead curtain and some seat belts...
* Next up is Ben De La Creme who heard the theme was "crazy, sexy, cool", so came as Elizabeth Taylor in winter:
* Moving on to Trinity K Bonet who... hang on:
* In an attempt to display some feminine glamour, Milk shows up in a two piece gown made out of satin bedsheets with bunny ears on, looks like the lovechild of Courtney Act and Adore Delano.
* Fearing her days might be numbered after last week's visit to the bottom two, Laganja Estranja uses her runway time as a chance to audition for a role in upcoming adult film Mad Max 4: Beyond Underpants
* Darienne Lake wears a sequinned gown with a deep neckline. Again.
* I'd love to tell you about Bianca Del Rio's gown but I can't, because as soon as I saw it I died from its sheer awesomeness and now I am dead and also blind and will never see anything as beautiful ever again.
* Adore Delano hears "crazy, sexy, cool" and tears down the runway in leather making cat movements like an ice addict who actually thinks they're a cat. So I guess one out of three ain't bad.
* The Pride of Australia Courtney Act doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000...
Sadly this means she hasn't been paid in a while, which probably explains why she's only wearing a Target bra and knickers set underneath:
* It's time to watch the official Oh No She Better Don't music video, and OMG! I must have totally missed the bit where Flavor Flav did guest vocals! That's amazing, I love Public Enemy! Wow, what a coup, that's just really...
* Notable moments from the Ru Tang Clan's involvement in the video include Ben De La Creme rapping in French, Joslyn Fox spitting "Try me bitch, I'm a mother-fishin' drag queen" and Milk looking like this:
* Notable moments from The Panty Hos include Bianca Del Rio drinking a 40 ounce from a paper bag like Raggedy Ann after a failed visit to Betty Ford, Adore Delano delivering a rap that kind of makes me wish she'd done the whole song and Courtney Act rapping "looking like this ain't no god damn stunt, all you other bitches better lick my... foot".
* Michelle Visage tells Trinity her rap was out of time, sending her into a shame spiral.
"I've never been the kind of queen to make excuses but..." says Trinity, boldly ignoring all the times in every past episode where she's made an excuse for something before launching into what sounds rather a lot like another excuse.
"This is not something I'm accustomed to," she whines.
"I lip sync for a living, that's what I do, so..."
"ALRIGHT, THANK YOU TRINITY," snips RuPaul.
* Michelle Visage tells Milk she looks like the boys she "used to have sex with at the gym". I am a bit jealous of Michelle Visage.
* Michelle Visage congratulates Bianca Del Rio for not putting white lines under her eyes. Bianca says she snorted them instead. So clearly soon I won't have to write my own gags, Bianca will just show up and talk and I'll write a transcript and be done with all these hours of heartache.
* Adore Delano gets told off for wearing yet another shin-length gown, but no one cares because she's awesome and can rap like a hell demon on fire.
* Meanwhile backstage Joslyn Fox looks like the Macy's Christmas window display after Hurricane Katrina went through it:
RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a half-used tester bottle of Paris Hilton's new perfume from the discount section at Chemist King, a coupon for a cut and blow dry at Hair Warehouse and a packet of menthol cigarettes, before declaring Adore Delano the evening's winner.
In what can only be explained as a tight-corset-induced lapse of sanity RuPaul sends Darienne Lake back to the safe zone, dooming Trinity K Bonet and Milk to duke it out in the bottom two.
Trinity hopes for "Chacarron" by El Chombo while Milk sets her sights on "C.R.E.A.M" by the Wu Tang Clan, but they're both out of luck because it's "Whatta Man" by Salt N Pepa and En Vogue.
Just quietly: I totally KILL this song at karaoke. I would OWN this lip sync.
Trinity slinks around the stage like a sex kitten, whipping her hair around and grinding up and down, while Milk channels her bunny ears and hops on the spot acting like a total weirdo. They're both amazing, and I want them to start a girl band together. They could be called Bonet and Bunny. Just thinking out loud here.
"Trinity is serving it up, she's looking fucking bomb dot com dot org dot co uk," says Adore, which is better than any descriptors I could come up with.
In the end RuPaul agrees, and she tells Milk to bottle it. Sashay away, dairy queen.
Any last words, Milk?
"I'm so happy with what I've shown the world," she says.
Now, go on and READ EPISODE SEVEN! Or get totes retro and go back to READ EPISODE FIVE!