This week's episode begins with the tragic reminder that Milk is no longer with us, having "gone off" last week (see what I did there?), which leaves me a bit like this:
"WHYYYYYY? WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GOOOOO?"
Except more glamorous, obviously, and a tad angsty, so perhaps a bit more like this:
"What? How do YOU drink milk?"
Now that the Hottest Of All The Queens has departed I'm going to have to pick someone else on this show to lust after. Someone tanned and buff and gorgeous in a chiselled, manly way...
No, more manly than that...
OK, OK, I'LL TAKE MICHELLE!
Over in the Werq Room The Pride of Australia Courtney Act is whingeing about her runway critique, which is amazing because I didn't even realise she was still on the show.
"I'm a bit annoyed at Ru saying I'm relying on pretty, because I've been giving a lot of performance and theatrics and other stuff," she says, while I try and work out where she's been for the last three episodes.
"I definitely think that performance is more important than look," she continues.
SUBMITTED WITHOUT COMMENT.
(I love you Jinkx, don't hate me)
Sadly Courtney Act's allotted 15 seconds per three hours of screen time is overshadowed by a fresh round in the ongoing battle of Bonet versus Del Rio, ensuring everyone will forget whatever it was she said and no one will see her again until the runway challenge when she'll come out in a bikini or something.
"Every time she's in front of the judges she goes into this long, drawn-out speech about how she tries and how this is 'not her thing'," Bianca complains of Trinity, who did exactly that when she fell in the bottom two in last week's episode.
"It's not hard for you to complain about something that you're already good at!" blurts Trinity, which may be the least intelligible thing that's come out of her mouth since last week's rap.
"I'M TRYING TO HELP!" spits Bianca.
"KISS MY ASS!" retorts Trinity.
If only all arguments could be resolved so efficiently.
Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines... And it's a new day in the Werq Room where everyone is getting ready to go to a "come as your favourite 1990s TV character" fancy dress party at Michelle Visage's house.
Laganja Estranja has come as Tintin mid-transition:
From the rarely screened "Tintin and the Hermaphrodite" episode.
Courtney Act is giving Degrassi realness with a tribute to Joey Jeremiah:
Everybody wants something they'll never give up. Like herpes.
And Adore Delano, who didn't even know there was a party on, has accidentally come as Bill Cosby:
Thank goodness she didn't go "blackface", or we'd have a Situation on our hands.
Clearly no one has anything interesting to say yet, as we bypass the usual morning chit-chat to go straight to a She-Mail, which will become completely redundant when RuPaul walks into the room 30 seconds later to explain whatever it is in person.
So basically, this is a good opportunity for a quick toilet break, if you need one.
Just as Laganja is about to break the tension by shouting "COME ON, EPISODE SEVEN!"she is silenced by an enormous thunderclap, and a deep rumbling that shakes the ground underneath their feet. Everyone looks around to see if Darienne Lake is attempting zumba again, but it's not that - it's some sort of supernatural force. Suddenly a bolt of lightning shoots down into the studio, shattering the ceiling and almost splitting Adore Delano in two. Joslyn Fox spies an opportunity to make a joke about her being half the woman she used to be but before she can open her mouth the room falls into total darkness, and the only sound that can be heard is that of the creaking door...
Yeah, it's just RuPaul.
"For today's mini challenge I want you to lend a hand to Michelle Obama's 'Let's Move' program, by making fruit and vegetables sexy and appealing," he explains.
For those outside the US, Let's Move is a program developed by the First Lady to encourage healthy eating by American children, so obviously it's a perfect fit for a show in which men dress up as women and openly discuss sex and their genitals. Double thumbs up to Ms Obama's marketing team!
Then the Pit Crew arrives with a table full of vegetables and immediately wins the challenge, meaning no one else has to compete.
Good call, Team Obama. This will definitely get kids to eat more vegetables.
Well, it'll get ME to eat more vegetables, anyway.
Sadly Ru disqualifies the Pit Crew for displaying too much meat with their veg, so all the queens go drag up their fingernails to fondle the merchandise.
Because as we all know:
Continuing the tradition already established by this episode of absolutely nothing interesting happening at all, what follows is three minutes of drag queens smiling and holding various pieces of produce. This is as exciting as it sounds.
Things get briefly compelling when Laganja Estranja rubs a sweet potato on her chest, opening up a whole world of possibilities for hilarious jokes about roots that only Australians will understand, so I won't bother.
Bianca Del Rio finally bursts in the door, having been held up for the last hour trying to find the right wig and shirt combo for her fancy dress costume as Betty the secretary from 1990s Australian sitcom Hey Dad:
Thank god she didn't come as Mr Kelly, or that cucumber might have taken on some very sinister connotations.
Laganja is declared the winner, not that it matters because RuPaul announces he will be deciding the teams for the main challenge: creating a TV commercial for his new makeup line.
Frankly, having someone responsible in charge is probably a good idea at this point.
Adore and Laganja are paired up to make a commercial aimed at the teenage market.
Courtney Act and Joslyn Fox will direct their ad at "hot mamas".
Ben De La Creme gets thrown together with BFF Darienne Lake to make an ad targeting "cougars", something Darienne is obviously annoyed about because Ben is funny and cute and talented and they'll probably win.
And in a surprise akin to opening a packet of chips and finding chips inside, Bianca Del Rio is paired with Trinity K Bonet to make a commercial for... well, who cares, because it's obviously going to be a train wreck of epic proportions.
Already beavering away on the challenge is Team Laganjadore, which sounds like a character rejected from the draft manuscript of Lord of the Rings for being too gay.
"I'm really nervous that Adore will overshadow me and that I won't be the star," Laganja whines for about the 600th time this season, oblivious to the fact that Adore doesn't overshadow her, she outshines her, and it happens every week.
Meanwhile it seems Laganja might be the least appropriate person for a commercial aimed at tenagers since R Kelly.
"Laganja has all these ideas and I was raised right, so all I can do is nervously laugh at them," says Adore.
Sometimes when nervous laughter isn't enough, you need to do this face.
Meanwhile in the other corner Joslyn Fox is fangirling over getting to work with her idol Courtney Act, someone she's been sharing close quarters with for the past seven weeks but apparently has only just noticed.
"I cannot even wrap my brain around it that I'm actually doing this thing with Courtney Act herself!" Joslyn squees.
Sadly her adoration trip comes to a screeching halt when she suggests they do a "before and after" makeover look for their commercial, with Courtney as the "before".
"The problem is no one would ever believe you were the 'after' though, right?" says Courtney, in a classic bit of Aussie ironic humour that Americans will probably interpret as bitchiness because editing, lack of irony detectors, etc.
Speaking of bitchiness, Darienne Lake is serving it up to Ben De La Creme like she's got a pantry full of the stuff the day before expiry.
"Do you know any cougars?" RuPaul asks.
"We ARE cougars," says Darienne, to which De La retorts: "I'm too young and pretty to be a cougar!"
"...and a lot of cougars are delusional," Darienne snarks.
"So... how's it going working with De La?" asks RuPaul.
"We're... working together... as much as a positive and negative can! We're very magnetic! Opposites do attract!" Darienne blurts, while everyone else looks bewildered.
But it's time to visit the real odd couple in the room, Bianca and Trinity, who are busy running their lines. If you take "running lines" to mean "stumbling over a series of words that may or may not go together in a sentence".
"The judges have called you out on your confidence, how are you going to turn that around?" RuPaul asks Trinity, who is busy cleaning all the extra words out of her mouth.
"I'm just gonna put my best foot forward..." Trinity begins.
"I don't want to hear 'I'm just gonna', because you've said that before," snaps RuPaul, as a small thundercloud flies in and hovers over Trinity's head.
"Am I the first person to call you out on this?" RuPaul continues, as the thundercloud begins drizzling on Trinity's hoodie.
"It's not just the way you talk or your projection, I am trying to drag it out of you, pun intended," says RuPaul, as Trinity begins shielding her eyes from hailstones.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the table...
But enough of that, it's off to the studio because it's...
RUPAUL'S MAKEUP COMMERCIAL CHALLENGE TIME!
* Team Laganjadore is running late, but fortunately the second cousins twice removed of both Pandora Boxx and Willam are on hand to fill their gap, so to speak:
(pity that couldn't have been a bit catchier somehow, oh well...)
It's best if you don't try to guess who's who here.
* Laganja and Adore slather lip gloss all over their faces and spin around uncontrollably, unable to turn and look at the camera in sync. So it's worth noting that RuPaul's new makeup range may affect your fine motor skills.
* "Laganja, can we have a little bit more of an 'oh my god' teenager voice?" asks RuPaul.
"Oh, like my Rachel Zoe voice!" she says brightly.
I'll let Latrice handle this one.
* Clearly TPOA Courtney Act has run over one of the producers' chihuahuas or something, as the only time she seems to get her mug on screen is when she says something ironically that can be taken out of context and used to make her look mean or stupid. Like now, when she declares she and her number one fan Joslyn Fox "nailed it", after bombing harder than Hiroshima. Oh well.
* Team De La Lake has been waylaid on the way to the studio (they really shouldn't have taken the route past that doughnut shop), but luckily Pandora Boxx and Willam's cousins are still hanging around to step in:
They had to wait so long for Courtney and Joslyn to finish their act, they aged slightly.
* Acting as sexed up, ageing cougars, Darienne and De La wrap their faces in bandages and do some plastic surgery schtick, because obviously the best way to sell makeup is to remind women that makeup is not enough:
Darn, they forgot to put it over Darienne's mouth.
"BEEN THERE, DONE THAT."
* But who cares about all that because BAM! HERE'S TRINITY, looking like the intergalactic lovechild of Nicki Minaj, Pretty Woman and The Bodyguard, if 1990s films could have babies with new millenium pop stars:
Who cares how you talk when you look like this? Answer: no one.
Wavy lines, doobly doo music, psychedelic green screen effects etc, and we're back in the Werq Room preparing for the runway show, which this week has a theme of "black and white".,
"OUHHH KAAUUURRRYYY, IT'S TOOOYME TO GET BLACK AND WHOOOYTE!" hollers Laganja, who has decided that yelling stupid catchphrases isn't quite annoying enough so has also dressed like this:
The human equivalent of an interrobang.
The Courtney Act Shade Festival Feat. Joslyn Fox continues unabated, with TPOA joking she would beat Joslyn in a lip sync, and Joslyn acting like a bit of a sook.
"This is somebody that I idolised and I'm a little disappointed," she says.
Aw, girl. I sympathise. I know what it's like to meet your idol and for them to not let you beat them in a competition. It's rough.
Speaking of shade, Darienne is doing a perfect impression of a beach umbrella over at the mirrors where Ben De La Creme is putting on makeup.
"Do you think they paired us together because they were like 'Darienne's got a big body and Ben's got a big head'?" she asks sweetly.
You may know Darienne from her previous work with stars such as Rihanna...
"I feel like there's some type of tension between those two that you can cut with a cheese knife," whispers Adore Delano, grappling awkwardly with two very different metaphors.
Note to Adore: THIS is how you cut tension with a cheese knife.
Meanwhile on the other end of the makeup table Trinity and Bianca are holding hands and singing Kumbaya over how well they work together, and how much they've learned from each other, and how proud they both are, and... hang on, excuse me for a minute...
As the proctologist said to the chocolate fetishist it's getting far too sweet and gooey up in here, so thank god...
IT'S CATWALK TIME!* In an attempt to win over the manufacturer of popular children's toy "Loom Bands" as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as the human embodiment of a Loom Band bracelet:
With Michelle Obama's childhood obesity program already on board, if they can just snag iCarly they'll have the lucrative tween market all stitched up!
* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage has come as a Furby:
One makes irritating noises unless you feed it incessantly, and the other is a Furby.
* In the interests of being somewhat fair, I would like to follow that last gag (hilarious though it was) by saying I think Michelle Visage looks totally hot here. Best she's looked in ages. Rock it, mama.
Right, that's enough of that, let's get back to bitching.
* First up on the runway is Laganja Estranja, who looks a bit like how a Martian would if they had spent years studying all of human civilisation to determine what form to take when visiting Earth so as to gain people's trust and had mistakenly decided on Elvis from 1973...
...but then gotten the look quite a bit wrong.
* Next out the gate is Adore Delano, who is covered in black and silver sequins and looks like Cruella de Vil's bratty teenage daughter, Bitchy de Moll:
She doesn't kill puppies to make coats, though.
She kills them to make onesies - coats are so old fashioned.
* Then there's Bianca Del Rio, looking like the ghost of Amy Winehouse going to a deb ball. Whatever they've been feeding her in the next dimension, it's done her the world of good:
Death becomes her.
* In sashays Trinity K Bonet in a spotty black and white print that makes her look like a long, lean, sexy box of dominos...
Points deducted for a cheap fat joke. Sorry.
* Ben De La Creme rolls up looking like a complete dickhead...
* Distracted by a fruitless backstage search for the giant box of Dominos she keeps hearing about, Darienne Lake doesn't make it to the runway on time - but fortunately Vivacious' sidekick Ornacia from episode one is there to pick up the slack:
These looks can only be broadcast in widescreen.
* Moving right along to Courtney Act, who is dressed as a futuristic robot butler as imagined by Playboy, September 1979:
Jade Jolie tried to sue Courtney and RuPaul for copyright violation over this visual representation of her catchphrase. She failed.
* Having last week turned up wearing a seatbelt and bead curtain, this season's preeminent upcycler Joslyn Fox shows up on the runway in a bikini made from an old garter belt, some dental floss and a broken necklace:
She is so thrifty.
* Then they show the TV commercials they all made earlier and you know, yeah, they're all OK. That's... really all there is to say about that.
* "Laganja, I think your costume is a little tacky looking," says guest judge Woman Who Was In That Comedy Film From Ages Ago About That Greek Wedding But Who Isn't Nia Vardalos.
"The hair is flopping, the crotch is uneven," continues Michelle Visage.
"But I absolutely love the way YOU look, Adore!"
I'm not sure, but I think Laganja might be a bit annoyed.
* Michelle Visage reads Ben De La Creme for "hiding behind a costume", saying she wants to get to know who she is as a person. So I can't wait for the episode where De La rips off her latex mask to reveal she is actually Michelle Visage.
* We manage to get through the entire "black and white" runway challenge without anyone once saying "why it gotta be black and white?". For this, I think we can all be eternally grateful.
There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Janice and Ken's Wig Barn in Omaha, Nebraska. Janice and Ken's Wig Barn: There's Hair in There! Who needs big name sponsors eh?
RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a bottle of Febreze, a half-sucked lollipop that fell on the floor but is basically still OK and tickets to see Magnolia Crawford, before declaring Adore Delano and Laganja Estranja the evening's winners.
All the queens are sent back to the safe zone but two - Ben De La Creme and Darienne Lake, who are deemed the worst of the day and thus forced to duke it out with a lip sync.
Sadly the producers don't opt to carry the "black and white" theme over into the lip sync song choice, meaning Janet Jackson's Black Cat is off the table, as is Little White Lies by One Direction. Not to mention Black Motherf***er by Prince, which is a real shame for everyone.
As it turns out they've gone for Point of No Return by some 1980s band called Expose, and save for Darienne's boob-shaking and head wobbling which makes her look like Ornacia on a meth withdrawal, and the bit where De La strips down to her Spanx, it's the most boring lip sync ever.
With both queens lip syncing as "meh" as each other, who will sashay away? Darienne, obviously, because everybody loves De La.
"Darienne Lake - shantay you stay," says RuPaul.
"Ben De La Creme, I know this didn't turn out the way you had planned, but I hope it makes you an even fiercer queen," says RuPaul, who is dead to me now.
"Because your time here..." she continues.
"...is not over! By the power vested in me - SHANTAY YOU STAY!"
"Excellent news, m'lady! Now shall I bring you your slippers?"
And so Ben De La Creme lives to lip sync another day, no one goes home and everyone is happy and in love. There's such a happy glow in the studio that bluebirds and rabbits spring out from behind the set and start handing out posies while RuPaul breaks out into an aria and Michelle Visage and Santino start pashing on the judging desk.
It isn't clear what has precipitated such glee until much later, when it is revealed that due to a chemical mix up at the manufacturing plant in Shangdong, RuPaul's new makeup range contains a compound similar to MDMA that can be absorbed through the skin.
Seriously, why else would you look this happy all the time?
Of course this all very nice for everyone but you do realise this can only mean one thing: FUTURE DOUBLE ELIMINATION.
Now, go on and READ EPISODE EIGHT. Or you can GO BACK AND READ EPISODE SIX again.