We begin episode eight in an uncharacteristically jubilant Werq Room, where all the queens are celebrating last week's non-elimination and RuPaul pardoning Ben De La Creme like the President pardoning the annual Thanksgiving turkey.
"I was going to start a riot if she sent you home, I was like 'NOOOO, YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION!'," shrieks Courtney Act.
Meanwhile 102 seconds have elapsed without anyone saying anything about Laganja Estranja (if they'd made it to 103 they would have made it into Guinness, never mind), an error she immediately rectifies by yelling at them all.
"ARE YOU NOT GOING TO CONGRATULATE ADORE AND I?" she gasps.
"I didn't think you should have won," says Courtney, who is Not. Having. It.
"I'm sure many of my competitors felt that Adore carried me for this win, but at the end of the day she's standing in an 80s sweater and a skirt from Forever 21, and I spent a lot of time on my look," Laganja slags.
You know who else "spent a lot of time" on their look, Laganja? Michael Jackson. It doesn't always make things better.
Meanwhile, having worked out the only way she'll get any screen time is by acting shadier than an oak tree, The Pride of Australia Courtney Act continues playing the villain by having a go at Joslyn Fox.
"I feel that your look tonight wasn't as well executed as the vision in your head," she tells her.
"But if you want anything I've got a whole box full of shit," Courtney continues.
CATEGORY IS: Patronising Bitch Realness.
"I'VE GOT A WHOLE RACK OF THINGS," Joslyn retorts indignantly.
Joslyn tells Courtney she's being patronising. Courtney kind of admits that she is. Joslyn runs back to her bedroom and rips all her Courtney Act posters off the wall, but can't bring herself to throw out her limited edition autographed Courtney Act pillow. She buries her face in it and cries herself to sleep.
Wavy lines, doobly doo music, strobe lighting effects that give kids epileptic fits...
It's the next day in the Werq Room and, disappointed over losing yesterday's Guinness World Record attempt, Laganja Estranja has decided to go for another - that of being the world's most annoying person.
She gets off to a good start, shouting "COME ON, CLOUD NINE REALNESS!" for no apparent reason as she walks in the door.
She follows that up with a few "OUHR KURRRS" and some eye rolling, and tops it off with a T-shirt emblazoned with her own name, which will help anyone complaining to the Logo network about the annoying whine emanating from their TV set any time she's on screen.
But the piece de resistance is her hairdo which, like the macrame pot holder look of episode five, is also styled around something she's stolen from her hotel room - the "No Smoking" sign on the back of the toilet door.
Suddenly: fire, brimstone, thunder, lightning, walls shaking, ceiling splintering, queens gasping. All that crap.
"For today's mini challenge you'll be lip syncing upside down and lying on your back," he announces.
They're all told to "drag up their chin" which must be some new gay sexual term I'm unaware of, and then... oh look, Milk's back!
What follows is two minutes of footage of chins wearing wigs and goggly eyes singing a RuPaul song, which is better than any of RuPaul's official music videos.
Joslyn is declared the winner so gets to pick the running order for the main challenge: a stand-up comedy show.
Everyone immediately sits down and gets to joke writing except for Ben De La Creme, who appears to be having some sort of hallucinatory acid flashback:
"What have you got, De La?" asks Bianca.
Six hours later when she's finished staring at her hands, De La announces: "I think I'm going to go with something that's more a blanket personal narrative."
"HA. HA. HA. KNEE SLAPPER," snarks Darienne Lake, who is clearly continuing on her bewildering anti-De La Creme mission that no one understands.
Fortunately she's not wearing any sequins for once, so everyone can pretend they don't notice her and go about their business.
"Hey Adore are you going to write material, or are you just going to write a card for guidelines saying 'cool, awesome, chola, my mom, Libra'?" asks Bianca Del Rio, who is still my vote for president.
"And 'party'," adds Joslyn Fox, who can be her VP.
"When I wait tables that's my opportunity to do stand up so I'm always cracking jokes," Joslyn continues, suddenly getting so excited she's wriggling around in her seat.
"Like, if somebody orders a jumbo shrimp cocktail I'll say 'I hope you're not allergic' and they'll say 'to what?' and I say 'TO AN OXYMORON!'."
"I know that stand-up comedy is not my cup of soup. CUP OF TEA. Cup of... bowl of... what?" says Joslyn, thereby immediately disproving her point.
Suddenly the Guinness Book of Records representative shows up wanting to check in on Laganja, but for the first time this series no one can see or hear her anywhere. They're just about to celebrate this new development when Bianca Del Rio spots her under a table, and they have to put the champagne away.
It's just as well, because just then a strong wind whips through the Werq Room, throwing clothing and makeup hither and thither, and knocking the queens off their feet. Except for Darienne, nothing can knock that bitch over. Having already taken shelter under a table earlier Laganja is the only one left unscathed, which she commemorates by shouting "COME ON, CATEGORY SEVEN STORM!", but no one hears her as she's drowned out by a piercing howl coming from behind the Werq Room door. Everyone checks to see if Laganja is actually still in the room, but it's not her, it's some terrible supernatural force... and when the door creaks open it's...
"In the past you've actually helped a lot of other queens in this competition, so who's helping you out?" he asks Bianca.
"They're all helping me out by being horrible and making me look better. And I'm not just a nasty c***, I will help them - to go home. I mean, you don't even have to fold some of the shit they're wearing - you just ball it up," she says, as I write "BIANCA DEL RIO" on my notebook and draw a loveheart around it.
"This is a shit or get off the pot moment, so let's hope I can deliver a nice, big turd," she says.
Suddenly RuPaul announces the front two rows of the comedy show will be occupied by senior citizens, which throws everyone into a tailspin because apparently old people attending a drag stand-up show will be offended by swear words.
"Anyone close to me knows that c***, bitch, fuck, damn, shit and ass are my favourite words to use," complains Adore Delano.
"And 'party'," chirps Joslyn.
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, maybe some bongos, definitely some cowbell... and it's elimination day in the Werq Room, where all the queens are putting the final touches on their stand-up routines.
"I AM SPARKLE-CUS!" yells Laganja, who still thinks she's in the running for that Guinness World Record despite the representative getting sick of her and leaving more than 16 hours previous.
But enough of all that, because...
IT'S CATWALK TIME!No wait...
IT'S COMEDY SHOW TIME!Er, actually I think it's both...?
* In an effort to win over Interflora as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as a cheap Valentine's day present:
* Confused by last week's episode and thinking they're still trying to appeal to kids, Michelle Visage has come as children's book character Grug:
* Darienne Lake is first on the microphone, draped in large silver sequins and looking remarkably like a mirror ball. I shall rate her comedic efforts using the internationally recognised metric of Alyssa Edwardses.
"I like to call myself 'miss' to let the boys know I'm single. Of course my 14 cats and appearance on 'Hoarders: Buried Alive' probably also lets them know I'm single."
"I'm so twisted I asked my mum if she dropped me on my head as a baby. She said 'honey, you have to be held to be dropped'."
"I'm trying to get in shape. Round is a shape."
"At the gym I'm like a ninja - you will never see me there."
* Moving on to TPOA Courtney Act, looking foxy in a gold leopard print bustier and sheer skirt. Hot. But funny?
"I'm from Australia - land of kangaroos, Olivia Newton John and 'throw another shrimp on the barbie'. Well what if I don't want shrimp thrown on me?"
Then she sings a song about the "mean gays" of West Hollywood which goes on for far too long and doesn't seem to include any actual punchlines.
* Moving on to Adore Delano, who introduces herself as a "Mexican Katy Perry" but actually looks more like the 50 foot woman wearing a regular sized sun hat.
"My mum's a chola, and she likes big cock."
"My grandma's a whore."
"It's my first time, people!"
* Up next is Ben De La Creme, looking super fantastic in a red sequinned bustier with a bow in her hair.
"I'm far from my home town of Seattle Washington, the city that never dries. It is a moist area but you know, it's MY moist area."
"Seattleites are just regular folk. Extremely regular folk, all that caffeine - a long line for the restrooms."
"The point is I feel like I've learned to sort of weave a story, bring somebody on an arc that really ends somewhere where they feel like the whole thing's been meaningful and they're going to wind up with something that made the whole thing worthwhile," De La continues, before being cut off by a heckler who clearly is not finding any of her routine worthwhile.
"TELL US A JOKE!" he yells.
And you thought old people were supposed to be nice.
* It's a good thing that heckler's warmed up now because on comes Laganja Estranja in a purple tutu and a giant pink afro wig, bouncing up and down and yelling "HAY HAY HAYYYY, GANJA'S IN THE HOUSE, PUT YOUR LIGHTERS UP!"
"As you can tell from my accent I am from Dallas, Tex-ASS."
Such as it is, that's about the only joke I can pick out of Laganjas' set, which consists of her explaining how much she loves marijuana, how she went to visit the set of Weeds, how she had Beanie Babies as a child, and how one of the female audience members has a dry vagina. And saying "OUHRKAYY" a lot.
* Moving on to Trinity K Bonet, who has spent the entire episode so far whingeing about how she's no good at comedy and doesn't know how to do stand-up and yada yada yada.
"Growing up was really hard because we were poor. The only way we ate was our mum read us recipes from a cookbook. And oh, how I got full so many nights off the roast beef on page 27. Sadly my sister got an ear infection so she starved to death.
* Next on the mic is Joslyn Fox, who appears to be wearing a prawn fishing net. A prawn fishing net you'd wear on a nice night out, but a net all the same.
"I've suffered from ADHD all my life. It's a constant struggle every day, and... OOH LOOK, A RHINESTONE!"
It's a great start, but she follows it up with two total duds, so...
* Moving on to our final act, Bianca Del Rio, who should kill this challenge, drain it, stuff it and mount it on her wall with her eyes closed and duct tape over her mouth. And then make it laugh.
"I am so excited to see the cast of Coccoon here tonight."
"My mother is from Cuba and my dad is from Honduras, which basically means I have a large dick, no credit and a tendency to take things that don't belong to me."
"My mother insisted that we stay true to our Spanish heritage, so my first words were 'housekeeping!'."
"All we hear from the judges is 'we need more versatility'. All I've got to say is I will give you versatility when Santino wins a sewing competition and Visage wears a fucking turtleneck. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN."
* Over to the actual judges, who agree Darienne killed it, Courtney died, Adore swore too much and Ben still isn't exposing herself. Which is a real pity because he's super cute, and I think we'd all appreciate a bit more exposure.
* Adore cries. It's not a big deal.
* "I got zero funny from you," Michelle Visage tells Laganja, in what is a new contender for the Understatement of the Year Awards.
Michelle tells her to stop doing stupid voices and putting on an affected character, which makes Laganja cry.
"I'm not doing a character, this is how I talk," she weeps.
"IN THE REAL WORLD PEOPLE LOVE ME AND THEY THINK I'M SUCH A PERFORMER AND THEY LOVE TO COME AND SEE ME!" she wails as everyone looks the other direction and starts muttering about the weather.
* Meanwhile tonight's lip sync battle is sure to be epic, as music superstar Prince has turned up to provide the backing music:
* RuPaul cries, bringing tonight's tear count up to three. Clearly they're all still coming down after last week's ecstasy-fuelled non-elimination.
* Michelle Visage tells Joslyn Fox she's like "a comedy terrorist: you can fly the plane but you can't land it", revealing a rudimentary understanding of terrorism at best on Michelle's part.
* Santino declared Bianca Del Rio "so, so, so, so, so funny". Everyone agrees, because you can't argue with facts.
There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by The Taco Trough in Ironville, Kentucky. Communal dining for the whole family: no cutlery, no plates, no problem! Who needs big name sponsors eh?
RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a second hand edition of 50 Shades of Grey with some of the pages stuck together, a signed copy of Raja's Diamond Crowned Queen CD single and a slap in the face from Michelle Visage, before declaring Bianca Del Rio the evening's winner.
To quote Laganja: "COME ON, NATCH!"
Speaking of Laganja, she's in the bottom two with my newly realised love Joslyn Fox, and I'm so concerned for her welfare I momentarily forget THERE WASN'T EVEN A CATWALK PARADE TONIGHT, DAMMIT.
Prince has wandered off in search of pancakes, so the producers have to go with plan B for the lip sync: a CD of Pink singing Stupid Girls. "Unfunny Girls" would have been more appropriate, but I don't think Pink's recorded that one yet.
Both queens go full pelt from the get-go, strutting around and pointing at things and wagging their fingers like they're on Maury and someone's just said "YOU DON'T KNOW ME."
Laganja tears her wig off and in the time honoured tradition of Roxxy Andrews, reveals a second wig underneath. Or... has she just dyed her hair? Whatever, it's marginally more impressive than showing off her usual hairdo.
It's all looking a bit textbook and unexciting... but then THIS happens:
It's a close competition, fiercely fought, but in the end Laganja Estranja is told to sashay away.
Any last words, Laganja?
"Thank you Ru for this incredible experience. I know that in my heart of hearts I stayed true to who I was -and I will be the first queen to actually shossay away," she says, before sashaying down the runway.
Yes, she says "shossay". Nothing like fucking up a good exit line.
Now go on and READ EPISODE NINE! Or you might want to go back and READ EPISODE 7. Well, I don't know. You MIGHT, is all I'm saying.