Tuesday, April 22, 2014

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 6, Episode 9

OK OK, so I know this recap is later than Lindsay Lohan's arrival at a job, but to be honest, it's taken me all that time to get over Laganja Estranja "shossaying" away at the end of last week's episode.



This was me for all of Easter.

Seriously, you guys, this is the most tragic development in season six so far.

Now who's going to shout "COME ON, [INSERT WORD OF QUESTIONABLE RELEVANCE HERE]!" every time the queens walk into the Werq Room each week?

No one, evidently, as we begin episode nine with everyone shuffling inside saying things like "Holy crap" and "This has been a day". No one even tries to carry on Laganja's  legacy with a "COME ON, ELIMINATION!" or a "COME ON, MENTAL BREAKDOWN!" or even a death drop that almost accidentally smashes a lightglobe.

I cry softly into my limited edition Laganja Estranja throw rug.

"I feel sort of awkward about the way it ended," says Courtney Act, which is a real contender for the 2014 Limpest Expression of Regret Award given that the way it ended was with everyone telling Laganja she was annoying, and her screaming "I'M FEELING VERY ATTACKED" before having a teary meltdown in the hallway.

Nah, I think that conversation went really well.

Meanwhile, Trinity is crowing about her critically lauded performance in the stand up comedy challenge.

"I think Ru pulled something out of me that I didn't know I had in there," she says.

Like this CD?

Or this book? Was this book inside you, Trinity?

Or these dolls? 
I've heard of people having dolls stuck in them before, don't be embarrassed, I think it's fairly common...

Or this helmet? I'm not sure if that's actually physically possible, but you never know...

Oh wait, she meant he FIGURATIVELY pulled something out of her... I get it. So like, talent or determination, or some crap then? Huh. Well that's not quite as exciting.

Meanwhile, can we talk about Joslyn Fox and THAT FUCKING NECKLACE?

She REALLY likes that necklace.

I think at this point we have to consider that this thing is more than just a cheap-looking accessory, and is actually a cleverly disguised piece of life support equipment, the removal of which will result in Joslyn's immediate death. Given she apparently survived week seven without it, I can only assume she had it stashed in her undies that time. 

Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines, Laganja's voice shouting "COME ON, WAVY LINES!"... and it's the next day in the Werq Room, where first order of the day is a She Mail Inclusive, Non-Offensive and Non Gender-Specific Video Message from RuPaul, who is explaining the benefits of being America's Next Drag Superstar.

Given three of them are "free foot rubs from Santino" and that fact that "your pussy is on fire" and "your pussy can be seen from outer space", I begin to wonder if the crappy prizes I've been making up in these recaps every week aren't actually that far from the truth. 

But then it's time for the first mini challenge, which Adore has already figured out from piecing together Ru's clues.

"We're gonna box each other!" she shouts.

NAILED IT.

All of a sudden a sharp wailing noise pierces the quiet of the Werq Room, causing all the queens to clutch at their ears in pain. Assuming Laganja has returned to exact her revenge, Courtney prepares a "sorry not sorry" style apology but then realises she hasn't heard any of the words "yass", "hunty", "mama" or "ouhrkurrrrr" so the noise can't be Laganja after all. The door starts shaking and the handle begins to twist and Adore instinctively drops to her knees, then remembers she's not in the club toilets so gets up again just in time to see the door swing open and...

It's Alaska, come to do some painting!

No, no, it's not. It's just RuPaul. It's always RuPaul. See, every episode they start off with the queens talking about some crap, and then there's a She Mail Inclusive, Non-Offensive and Non Gender-Specific Video Message from RuPaul, and then the door opens and he comes in and... oh forget it. Let's just pretend it really is Alaska doing some painting. I would actually pay to watch that.

Whoever it was and whatever they said, I wasn't paying attention because this happened immediately afterward:

You're welcome, by the way.

The next five minutes are taken up by all the queens playing a variation on Wheel of Fortune which involves them spelling out words on half naked men's arses, and quite frankly I'm surprised I even comprehended that much because. Well. Half naked men's arses. 

As the only contestant able to retain any spelling skills while being confronted with a row of semi naked men Ben De La Creme wins, and they all move on to the main challenge - resurrecting The RuPaul Show to help Ru pay his rent during Drag Race's off season.

He tells them that as guest hosts of the show they'll each be interviewing Cher's son Chazz Bono, and her mother Georgia Holt. No one is remotely excited about this news.

Courtney's not excited, she greets every piece of news like this. 
It's the main reason she had to give up her dream career as a newsreader.

Everyone immediately gets to work researching their interview subjects and writing out questions, except for Joslyn, who focuses on working out which outfit she's going to pair with that necklace today. A solid decision.

"Can I hear a little bit of your opening?" RuPaul asks Adore Delano.

"HELLO EVERYONE MY NAME IS ADORE DELANO I'LL BE FILLING IN FOR MISS RUPAUL TONIGHT AND I'M GONNA WHA ER UM GHHLLFKTGL HANG ON WAIT," yells Adore which, in her defence, is better than anyone expected.

Still, it's better than Joslyn's opening which is, funnily enough, all about Cher's opening.

"Please welcome someone who came out of Cher's vagina, and the vagina Cher came out of!" she declares, as RuPaul looks on in horror.


Note to Joslyn: this is the only appropriate way to talk about Cher's vagina.

"I'm just a little, you know, worried about talking about Cher's vagina," RuPaul says.

For those playing at home, the "Cher vagina" count is now at three.

Over on the other side of the Werq Room, The Pride of Australia Courtney Act is grilling RuPaul like a shrimp on a barbie, asking for pointers about how to do better in the challenges.

"America's next drag superstar has soft, tender parts," Ru explains.

"Alright! Got this in the bag!"

Feeling uncertain about whether she's soft and squishy enough, Courtney heads to the makeup mirrors to seek advice from the other queens who agree no one likes her because she's happy.

"It's not like I'm not willing to be vulnerable, but generally I'm just happy, I can't help it. My life is very carefree," she says.

Girl, you better invent a drunk mum or get abandoned at a bus stop before this episode is out, or it's curtains for you.

Maybe if she antagonises Joslyn enough she'll get a life-threatening injury from a diamante necklace to the face?
Speaking of which - GIRL, SERIOUSLY?

TALK SHOW CHALLENGE TIME!

* Adore Delano shows the fruits of her Werq Room research, putting such insightful questions to Cher's mother and son as "Ugh!", "Ah!", "Let's see" and "Oh! My ring fell off!", before going on to mistake The Great Depression for something people had before Valium was invented.

* "I read you started singing at age seven, were you like the biggest, like, child star of your like, community?" Adore asks Cher's mum.

"No honey, we were broke and it was during the depression."

"Party! So did you have a stage mommy or daddy?"

"I don't know how to explain it to you - we had no money and there was no food, so I would go and sing. It was during the depression."

"Doesn't sound like a 'great' depression to me, it sounds shit."

* Bianca Del Rio totally ignores Georgia in favour of talking to Chazz, but that's not as bad as Trinity who refers to him as "Chad" all the way through the interview, probably because Chad is an actual name that actual people have.

* Trinity asks Chazz which celebrity he'd love to go on a date with, struggles to name three famous women. Given she can't even name Chazz, this is probably unsurprising.

* TPOA Courtney Act charms Georgia and flirts outrageously with Chazz, does a totally bang-up job and so will probably host the Australian version of Drag Race when that inevitably happens. Note to any producers reading this: I AM AVAILABLE FOR ALL YOUR OFFICIAL BLOGGING NEEDS.

* Ben De La Creme does even better, performing so well she earns a patronising "well done" with bonus sneer from Chazz.

* "So Chazz, are there any traits you'd say you pulled from your mother, Cher?" asks Darienne Lake.

"No," says Chazz.

She should ask Ru about pulling things from people.
\You'd never believe how he got this sceptre.

* Things don't get much better when Darienne asks Georgia, who is 87, whether she's planning on doing an album tour:

DO YOU EVEN ENGLISH, DARIENNE?

* Having just come from her night course in "Necklace Rearranging 101: How to get the most out of your accessories" at the local adult learning centre Joslyn Fox is running a tad late, but rushes on set just in time to introduce Georgia and Chazz by mentioning Cher's vagina again.

"Please welcome someone who has come out twice since coming out of Cher, and someone who came back 66 years after Cher came out of her!"

The "Cher vagina" count now stands at five.

* Not one to rest on her laurels, Joslyn follows this up by talking about abortion and asking Georgia whether she's pro-life.

Now I know why Barbara Walters retired.

But enough of all that, because...

IT'S CATWALK TIME!

* In an attempt to win over Cadbury chocolate as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as a Milk Tray assortment:

Watch out for her walnut whirl.

* Not to be outdone on the confectionery front, Michelle Visage arrives as this cake:

It's not strictly a Cadbury product, but there's cocoa in the icing.

* Paula Abdul is there as guest judge. I'm sure that's important to some people.

* Apparently the theme of this week's catwalk is "animals", which explains why Darienne knots some old bedsheets together, hangs some soup bones from her ears and calls herself an elephant. It makes a nice change from other weeks when all the other queens call her that behind her back:

"And yet still no one wants to ride me."

* Adore Delano hears "animal theme", takes a big hit off her crack pipe and comes down the runway in a vinyl catsuit and diamante hockey mask bearing no resemblance to any animal on any planet anywhere:

"Yeah sure, I'm an animal, whatever."

Joslyn Fox throws on yet another revealing sequinned bikini with a silver jacket before remembering the animal theme and quickly sticking a dead rooster on her head:

She might be a cockhead, but at least she's not wearing that bloody necklace.

* Ben De La Creme shows the meaning of "superfly" by literally dressing as a super fly:

She also likes to breed in rubbish bins.

* I'd love to tell you about Bianca Del Rio's leopard inspired outfit but I can't because as soon as I saw it I died from awesome over exposure and now I am dead and am writing this from the other side.

Gagging.

* Trinity K Bonet trusses herself up in feathers and sparkles, looks like the most fabulous Thanksgiving turkey that ever lived on holiday at the Sydney Mardi Gras:

With all the fixin's.

* BUT FORGET ALL OF THAT BECAUSE OH MY GOD CHECK THIS SHIT OUT:

BAM!

"I wanna see this on blogs, I wanna see this on Facebook - ain't nobody gonna top this shit," says Courtney.

Your wish is my command, ma'am.

* RuPaul asks Adore what kind of animal she is. She says panther.

Just a reminder.

* RuPaul asks Joslyn what kind of animal she is. She says "a glamazonian warrior princess".

Anyone looking for a birthday present for Joslyn this year, this might be a good choice. 

* Paula Abdul says you could "hear crickets" during Darienne's interview. Along with her elephant costume, that's still two more animals than either Adore or Joslyn managed to do so she'll probably be safe.

There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Barb's High Heel Emporium in Alligator, Mississippi. Who needs big name sponsors eh?

RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a tub of Ben & Jerry's Michelle Visage tried a spoonful of and didn't like, a 50 per cent off coupon at Starbucks (expired) and a cigarette butt Sharon Needles stubbed out on a fan, before declaring TPOA Courtney Act the evening's winner, natch.

Then in a decision that can only be explained as having something to do with the bad combination of a Cadbury-themed outfit and falling blood sugar levels, RuPaul sends Joslyn Fox - who screwed up both her interview and her runway look - back to the safe zone, putting Adore Delano and Trinity K Bonet in the bottom two.

Seriously, Trinity? Bottom two? SERIOUSLY, RUPAUL? 

Take a good, hard look at yourself and think about what you've done, missy.

But what's done is done, and there's no time for arguing, only lip syncing - this time to Paula Abdul's Vibeology which I've never heard of before but am instantly obsessed with because of its resemblance to early '90s Prince.

What follows is what is possibly the best lip sync of all time. Adore and Trinity look hot as hell. Adore does a cartwheel and the splits. Trinity crawls along the runway like a panther. A turkey. A turkey in a panther suit. Whatever. Both of them paw at each other like cats in heat, and it's all getting rather hot under the collar...

STOP THE MADNESS, NEITHER OF THESE BITCHES CAN GO HOME!

At such a critical juncture, we must turn to the other Trinity - the Bland Canyon Drag Race Holy Trinity of Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon and Alaska Thunderfuck - to ask for guidance.

Holy Trinity, what say you?

Yeah, can we?

But alas, we can't, and Trinity is told to sashay away.

From boring Beyonce queen, to stumbling, bumbling fool queen, to fierce as all hell disco turkey queen, Trinity's Drag Race journey has been one of the series' most impressive. I'M... *SOB* GOING TO... *SOB* MISS HER.

Any last words, Trinity?

Bitch, don't push it.

COME ON NATCH, and READ EPISODE TEN. Or you can go back and READ EPISODE EIGHT



16 comments :

  1. Heh. She IS the Holy Trinity.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i can't stand fucking jinkx whatever. season 5 had the most visually offensive queens. everyone looked a damn mess out of drag. // it's sad for me, but joslyn should be the next to go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I didn't realize the contestants on DRAG RACE were supposed to be picked according to how attractive you personally found them outside of drag!

      Delete
  3. Your recaps are so goddamn funny, I'm reading this one at work and giggling like a child :'(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Did I make you spit coffee on your keyboard? I hope so.

      Delete
  4. These are the exact same words that popped up from my mind while I was watching (and rewatching) the 9th episode. I would be not mad if Ru had said: "Damn the rules! Shantay, you both stay." It would be more surprising than any of Milk's outfits. I was rooting for Trinity; not for her win, but to see more of her impressive standout. Well, I guess we get at the Thanksgiving Day; the turkey had to go.

    Even that Joslyn's work have lost its quality, I want to see Darienne sashay away next. As much as I love Joslyn, she can go after her. I will miss that necklace...

    Well, Bianca and Ben have tickets to the Top 3 already. Who's the third one? Courtney or Adore? I hope we don't get another Roxxxy thing this time, which would get Miss Lake to the final. We don't want to see Frenemies side-by-side again; we've had it. Oficially.

    So, what you see? Do we Act with polishment, or do we Adore the messy charm?

    Another great recap.
    Thank you Petra. You are a funny girl. I mean, you're a girl, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, hunty. Can you not see my picture? I know I have short hair but come on...

      Delete
  5. I AM LIVING FOR YOUR BLOG MAMA! .....

    (fucking Laganja...)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know Trinity will never win this competition but I expected her to go at least after Darienne and Joslyn.
    But hey, as you've said, what's done is done...

    I so love your reviews.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You, m'love, are awesome. Your recaps are fun and funny and just the right length/intensity/mix of meanness and heart. Keep being amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. WTF is going on with Rupauls skinny arse in that middle pic????? did he have cancer/aids and recover or something???

    ReplyDelete
  9. We are managing New drag link or Spare Parts for Isuzu Trucks, Mitsubishi Trucks, Toyota Dyna, Hino Trucks and Nissan UD Trucks in Australia.

    ReplyDelete