Wednesday, April 23, 2014

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 6, Episode 10

We begin this week's episode back in the Werq Room after the untimely eviction of Trinity K Bonet, eliminated for looking totally boss on the runway and being a little bit awkward as a talk show host.

It was totally fair, of course, as everyone agrees.

LIES. LIZA MINELLI.

"I wanna have a talk show when I grow up, so I'll let you be my Michelle Visage," Courtney Act tells Bianca Del Rio.

"My titties aren't big enough," Bianca snorts.

Meanwhile:

"Bitch, if anyone is going to be Michelle Visage it's gonna be... oh wait. My titties aren't big enough either."

"I can feel myself getting a teeny bit more competitive. I can smell the hundred thousand dollars from here," Courtney continues.

"And it smells just like under-boob sweat. Oh, wait..."

"Now it's just you and me Bianca, it's just the two of us who haven't lip sank," says Courtney, who is either unaware of the past tense for "sync" or has just accidentally revealed one of the kinky sex games the queens indulge in behind the scenes.

"Oh are these threats you're making, little Eva Peron who looks like a sad bird? You fucking bitch," spits Bianca, and everyone looks shocked because they're actually reacting to something somebody else said on a totally different topic five minutes after this conversation occurred.

"Courtney can sometimes come across as unlikeable," says Bianca who, quite frankly, would know.

"She probably shouldn't be a blonde every time she's out there, she probably shouldn't look so naked all the time. It does get a little monotonous - they do want to see versatility."

I WONDER IF COURTNEY WILL DO SOMETHING UNEXPECTED THIS EPISODE. LET'S WAIT AND SEE.

Anyway, this sort of talk isn't unusual - now we're down the final six queens things are getting a little more competitive.

"Any little slip can take you out of this game - and I'll be leaving banana peels everywhere," gasps Darienne Lake.

They're called "Twinkie wrappers", Darienne.

While they wait for the next She-Mail Inclusive, Non-Offensive and Non Gender-Specific Video Message from RuPaul, Courtney regales everyone with a story about the time her testicle popped out inside a box.

Or something. I'm not sure exactly, but it was probably a bit like this:

Clearly Courtney's right ball has long-held amibitions to go solo.

Over on the big screen RuPaul is blathering on about brides and grooms and "saying I do" and pronouncing things in front of god...

"We're gonna box each other!" shouts Adore Delano.

Before anyone has a chance to admire her super intelligence there's an almighty thunderclap that shakes the set so hard everyone falls to their knees in fear, and huddles under Darienne Lake for shelter. Suddenly a deafening roar emanates from underfoot and a giant crack opens up in the floor under the wardrobe area. Joslyn makes a run for it but she's too late to save her diamante necklace which falls deep into the crevice until it hits the earth's core where it is melted by rivers of magma, releasing a toxic gas that floats back up to the Werq Room and sends everyone into a hallucination in which Darienne is a giant elephant, Ben De La Creme is a fly and Courtney Act has giant wings.

"I wanna have a talk show when I grow up, so I'll let you be my Michelle Visage," Courtney Act tells Bianca Del Rio...

"WOAHHH...."

Luckily RuPaul arrives to snap them all out of it and explain the next challenge, which will see them creating abstract paintings in honour of marriage equality.

"Yeah, I'm gonna need some more of that gas."

Fortunately it turns out they'll be using their own bodies as the paintbrushes, so it's not as dull as it sounds.

What follows is approximately two minutes of this...

...which may well be the most hypnotic GIF I've ever created.

All the queens present their finished canvases to RuPaul with a little explanation of what they've painted; Joslyn proves that toxic gas hasn't yet completely worn off by painting a heart wearing sunglasses, Adore has done a marriage equality equal sign, and Courtney Act has completely missed the point of the challenge by doing something that represents "a man and a woman coming together to form one beautiful body".

Ultimately Bianca Del Rio is declared the best at writhing around in paint and is named winner of the challenge.

It's so amazing how she didn't even mess up her makeup though.

Back in the Werq Room RuPaul has wheeled in six women for what is obviously going to be this season's makeover challenge. They're all brides-to-be, he announces, and RuPaul will be marrying them all in the studio, Madonna-at-the-Grammys-style, because he is apparently an ordained minister.

Can I just stop for a second here to say HOW GREAT WOULD A WEDDING OFFICIATED BY RUPAUL BE?

It would be even better than this one:

And that's saying something.

So anyway all the women pair up with the queens but then, in a surprise equal to entering a drag competition and discovering you have to do drag, it turns out it's not the girls who will be getting a makeover but their husbands-to-be.

DRAG? IN A DRAG COMPETITION?

"I don't do people's makeup, I don't sew - I'm just gonna sit on a fucken cone," bleats Adore, which may or may not be another reference to those kinky backstage sex games, I'm not sure.

Everyone else sits down with their couple and starts planning whether they're going to dress the groom in lace or satin and whether they'll paint him with a dominant eye or lip, all questions which will no doubt be cited on the subsequent divorce forms.

Ben De La Creme's guy looks like an extra from Deadwood, which she's worried might intrude somewhat on the female illusion. Will he shave off his beard?

"I've never seen Kevin without a beard, so I'm a little nervous about that," says his fiancee.

Honey, he's probably going to look like this at the end - losing the beard is the least of your problems.

Over at Darienne Lake's table two goths are explaining their perfect wedding, which coincidentally happens to be Darienne's perfect nightmare.

"It should be rock and roll, horror and not traditional," says the groom.

"You rang?"

"He needs to look fierce - like Sharon or Detox. Don't fuck it up," says his fiancee, who I wish would invite me to be her husband's bridesmaid because this wedding sounds right up my alley.

Unfortunately for them Darienne's alley is blocked by roadworks and Sharon Needles is off somewhere getting drunk on PBR, so this wedding is probably going to suck.

"I don't know how to sew," Adore Delano tells her bride-to-be.

"I envision my wedding like Vera Wang, with a nice pouffy dress, elegant, you know what I mean?" says the bride.

Yeah sure, Vera Wang, no problem.

Meanwhile, over at Courtney's table her groom is explaining how he is an explosives specialist for the army, which is great because by the way they're going it sounds like someone's going to have to disable the bomb of a look she's putting together.

Meanwhile, over at Joslyn's table RuPaul is discussing whether or not she'll be flashing her arse in this challenge.

"We're going for a demure look," says Joslyn.

"You mean your butt is going to be covered? How on earth will we recognise you?" asks RuPaul.

Then they both go "WONK WONK!" and pretend to honk their boobs before collapsing in giggles.

Fortunately Joslyn's professional basketballer groom is super comfortable with this entire thing so isn't at all uncomfortable.

"Come on Drag Race, she said. It'll be fun, she said."

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where everyone is getting ready for the gayest wedding of the year! Except it'll be straight, because gay weddings are sort of illegal still. And it will probably confirm gender norms rather than subvert them, because ultimately it's a bunch of slightly awkward straight men who don't really want to be there looking funny in dresses and trying to act "camp".

Look, whatever, just nobody say "shemale" OK?

Over in front of the mirrors Adore is beginning to dress her groom.

"Wow, that looks like a thrift store wig," he tells her.

Girl, you know you're in trouble when even a straight man disses your wig.

"Seeing Adore and her drag daughter is making me feel really confident," says Courtney, throwing more shade than a beach umbrella.

"Mine's better than your Honey Mahogany dress," spits Adore - two points and a bonus margarita for shade referencing a past season.

"Better than Honey Ma-Hog Body," trills Courtney, much like Snow White would if Snow White was a bad ass bitch.

Game, set, match Courtney.

Things are even worse over at the makeup mirrors, where Joslyn Fox's professional basketballer is outing himself as someone who probably really shouldn't have volunteered to be part of a drag show.

"I don't want my teammates to see me with hips on. It'll be posted all over Facebook, it's going to be a disaster," he whinges.

"In my profession it's not funny for a gay person to come into a locker room... I'd rather someone be straightforward and say 'I'm gay' when they're in the locker room with me, I don't want them checking me out."

"Say what now?"

"After the makeover Joslyn's drag daughter looked like that one girl Gremlin - remember that one girl Gremlin in the movie?" says Bianca, continuing with her ongoing application to take over this blog for future seasons.

Not the closest comparison, but it's more accurate than the time I compared Michelle Visage to a cake, so I'll let it go this time.

Anyway it's time to put away the veils and garters and gowns and walk down the aisle, because...

IT'S CATWALK WEDDING AISLE TIME!

* In an attempt to win over Home Depot as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as a roll of foil roofing insulation:

Foiled again!

* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage has come as... No, there's no joke to be made here. Girl looks fierce:

Damn you, Visage.

* Also on the panel tonight are guest judges and real-life partners of 10 years Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka:

As the most attractive couple in the world, they are qualified to judge others.

* And of course there's Santino. Doing nothing interesting, as usual. I still love him.

* Moving on to our drag wedding, and with Joslyn Fox tied up trying to find a replacement for her lost necklace, last year's winner Jinkx Monsoon has kindly stepped in to walk down the aisle with her drag daughter "Bradonna":

Category IS: butch queen, first time in drags at a ball.

* Next up is Courtney Act with her daughter "Rien" (say it out loud... theeeeere you go), who is covered in faux butterflies and lace and claims to be dressed for a "Louisiana wedding":

Girl, stick to Aussie-isms, you can do those.

* Meanwhile, in answer to tonight's earlier question about whether Courtney would do anything expected today: No. No she won't.

* Then Bianca Del Rio brings her daughter "Fifi" down the aisle and... well, I GUESS there's a family resemblance...

I dunno, I don't see it.

* Suddenly there's a small commotion as Michelle Visage leaps onto the runway to steal the limelight from Darienne...

Oh wait. That's not Michelle Visage.

* She's followed by Adore Delano with what looks like Aubrey O'Day en route to a fancy dress party as 30-year-old Punky Brewster post rehab:

It's a very specific look.

* And then there's Ben De La Creme and her daughter "Suzette A La Mode", who look like peaches and cream and now I think I've run out of dessert puns.

Also, Courtney Act: take a look at your future.

* Then all the couples read out their vows, and Darienne's goth couple wins the entire wedding by incorporating "BAM!", "water off a duck's back", "where my people at?", "I've had it officially", "sequinced gown" and "halleloo!" into theirs.

I OFFICIALLY LOVE THESE TWO.

* "I vow to be your never ending foundation," the basketballer's bride tells him, before they're both wiped out by RuPaul leaping into shot with a bottle of Color Evolution liquid makeup shrieking "THIS FOUNDATION IS NEVER ENDING TOO!"

* After rings have been exchanged it's time for the judging, and fearing he might not be coming off "draggy" enough, Bradonna digs deep and pulls out his best impression of Willam by running off stage and spewing into a bucket.

Points off, Bradonna. Willam stayed ON stage and didn't need no bucket. 

* "I feel bad that Bradonna got sick, but I would have felt the same way if I'd lifted my veil and my face looked like that," says Neil Patrick Harris, who tonight is auditioning for the role of "giant sombrero".

* Santino tells Bianca Del Rio her bloke's bridal gown would have been better with a train.

"He was battling shoes already and eyelashes and balls in his ass, I mean - did I really want to give him a train too?" Bianca retorts.

I want Bianca to be MY drag mother.

* Darienne's goth bride gets mixed reactions from the panel, putting her squarely in the danger zone for the bottom two. But hey, at least now we know what Michelle Visage looks like out of drag:

Sorry Michelle.

* Far worse though is Adore and her daughter "Honey Bun", who are read the house down under the cement, under the foundations, under the earth's crust and through kilometres of strata into the molten core where they find Joslyn's necklace.

"Rough, rough, rough," says Santino, as the Scruff Pit Crew run on stage wondering what RuPaul wants them for now.

There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Bob and Phil's Hillbilly Handfishin' Tours in Norman, Oklahoma. Hillbilly Handfishin': Get your hands on a slippery eel! Who needs big name sponsors eh?

RuPaul then explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a half-used bottle of Le Tan, a 50 per cent off glitter body spray coupon for Party City and a puff of second hand cigarette smoke from Sharon Needles, before declaring Bianca Del Rio the evening's winner, OF COURSE.

Clearly the hallucinogenic fumes from Joslyn's melted necklace are still wafting through the studio, because RuPaul then sends Darienne Lake back to the safe zone, dooming both Joslyn and Adore to the bottom two.

Seriously you guys, this is worse than Trinity vs Adore last week. I'm not coping. I'M NOT COPING.

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS YOU GUYS.

Forgoing a golden opportunity to do a wedding-themed lip sync with something like "Going to the Chapel" or, perhaps more appropriately given the events of the day, "D.I.V.O.R.C.E", RuPaul has opted for Aretha Franklin's "Think". Although as the chorus goes "think about what you're trying to do to me", perhaps this actually is the most appropriate song.

Joslyn struts around purposefully like a sassy mother of the bride after one too many sherries at the reception, while Adore rips off her shoes and rocks out like the bride's out of control younger sister who's just done a line of coke and spiked the punch and is all like "YAAA I'M TOTALLY 21" while trying to stick her tongue down the best man's throat. To complete the portrayal, she ends up on the floor with rips in her tights.

It's such a convincing performance that RuPaul grants her clemency, and Joslyn is told to sashay away.

"You mean 'chasse'."

Don't worry Joslyn, we're all blaming Bradonna anyway.

Any last words, Joslyn?

"I miss my necklace."

Only five queens to go, eek! Better get on and READ EPISODE 11. Or go back and READ EPISODE NINE. If you want. You don't have to. But you know, I put a lot of time into it so... No pressure though.



10 comments :

  1. Hahaha that was the best review I've read all season of Drag Race! I'll have to go back and read the rest of them now

    (not) WILLAM

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    1. Do you mean you're "not Willam", or do you mean "these recaps are great - NOT"? Because one would break my heart but the other would just be weird. I'm kind of ok with both outcomes.

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    2. They're seriously all amazing! Though last week's "limited edition Laganja Estranja throw pillow," "COME ON, WAVY LINES" and Courtney's dashed newscaster dreams have been making me crack up at random times all week long.

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  2. Brilliant. I enjoy reading your recap as much as watching the episodes! xx

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  3. Cute trick how DragRaceesque...how you omitted half the scene. Courtney claimed they should have a DANCE CHALLENGE which would put Bianca in the bottom but not HER.

    And the quote is "Courtney can sometimes come across as unlikable AND GRAND."

    Truefaq.

    Also true she's an idiot since Bianca has been doing musical theater since high school and danced professionally (in part) ...in Rent as Angel and Cabaret as The Emcee.

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  4. I love these recaps! I think you nailed Adore's daughter's look.

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  5. up next is Darienne, then Adore....

    then as soon as the top three is announced (Ben, Courtney & Bianca), the real competition will officially start....

    Ben will win IF she'll show Charisma and Uniqueness
    Courtney will win IF she'lls show Nerve and Talent
    Bianca will win IF she'll maintain all four (Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent) that she already has

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  6. This is the best recap of Drag Race I ever read. Keep it rocking guuuurl

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  7. I live for your recaps. After every episode of drag race I gossip with my gays, watch the recap on the world of wonder youtube channel, Pandora's recap, and then read this recap for true hilarity. Some of these recaps are better than the episodes themselves.

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  8. I found my way to this collection of AMAZINGWONDERFUL after googling "little Eva Peron who looks like a sad bird".

    I have not experienced a version of hilarity that results in this amount of sobbing, flatulence and suffocation in a long time. Amazingly written and to be cherished.

    ReplyDelete