Well here we are, drag hags, episode 11 - and the final five queens. FINALLY this season can be turned into fan nail art on Etsy!
Obviously Darienne is the thumb.
Although if we're being real about this season, that set would look more like this:
Don't joke you guys, this shit actually exists.
And yes, I AM considering buying a set, thank you very much.
More importantly, the season six queens can now be turned into a heartwarming tribute to Enid Blyton's Famous Five book series:
In this story, Bianca carries Darienne all the way up Billycock Hill where they enjoy some lashings.
Of ginger beer.
Anyway enough of all this merchandising talk - it's not like anyone on Drag Race ever capitalises on that sort of thing...
And so we return once again to the Werq Room where even Ornacia's cousin is mourning the recent loss of Joslyn Fox, who was tossed into Mordor at the end of episode 10 along with her one necklace to rule them all.
Unlike Ornacia, this bitch knows how to blend her foundation.
Adore Delano is counting her lucky stars after escaping the bottom two for the second week in a row, an achievement she rates in the usual way: by animal genitals.
"I know that I'm not going to be in the bottom two again, because that feeling sucks donkey dick," she says.
I'm not sure whether that's necessarily good or bad... I'm going to go with bad.
Meanwhile, The Pride of Australia Courtney Act has decided to poke the bear... oh no wait, that's Darienne Lake. Anyway, she starts riling her up about being in the bottom three at the last elinination.
"I'm mad as hell I'm in the bottom three. Do I think I out-performed Courtney in that challenge? Yes," says Darienne, proving that she's better at interviewing herself than anyone related to Cher.
"I blame it on that god damn Doogie Howser and his little Val Kilmer knock-off boyfriend."
Damn, that's a good call.
"Darienne is like those friends I go out with and they're like 'oh that man's looking at me' and I'm like 'no, you just have a fucking booger on your nose, bitch'," says Adore.
"That's called delusion."
And so is this: out now.
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, a few sprays of Delusion by Adore, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where TPOA Courtney Act is impressing everyone by revealing how she's fully psychic and totally picked this group to be the final five from the very start.
Wait, you picked Darienne for the final five?
Yeah, I know I used this last week. Shut up, it's still appropriate.
Just then a loud siren goes off and Darienne instinctively rushes over to her feed bowl, waiting for pellets to come rushing out of the tube like they normally do. Sadly though she's got her sirens confused, and it's actually the alert for a
She-Mail Inclusive, Non-Offensive and Non Gender-Specific Video Message from RuPaul, which will be rendered entirely useless 10 seconds later when he walks through the door and explains everything in person.
Suddenly there's a huge crashing sound followed by a loud rumbling noise. Darienne paws expectantly at her feeding tube. Courtney starts pacing round in circles muttering things like "crikey" and "bloody nora", while Bianca rocks back and forth in a corner whispering "that's BALONEY sir" to herself over and over in some sort of weird mantra. Adore sniffs the air and whines. Something is coming.
"Oh it's RUPAUL! We never would have guessed."
"For today's mini challenge I want to do some therapeutic role play," RuPaul says.
"Ooh goody!" shrieks Adore, running off to get her limited edition Bianca Del Rio latex mask while considering what her safety word will be.
"...and we're gonna do it with puppets," RuPaul finishes.
As we all know.
Yes, it's the annual puppet challenge in which each queen has to dress a puppet version of one of their competitors and do a mini stand-up routine with it.
It's something the producers never really thought would catch on but is now something of a Drag Race fixture they can't seem to get rid of.
That reminds me of something, I can't think what...
Adore is first up to stick her hand through the hole in the wall and pick out a puppet. It's not what she's used to pulling through holes in walls, but she still handles it with aplomb, choosing the Ben De La Creme puppet.
"This is new for me, normally it's not my hand I'm putting in there..."
Bianca gets Adore, Darienne gets Courtney, De La gets Bianca and Courtney is last up to the wall to pull out Darienne.
"I hope the hole's big enough," says Courtney.
No hat required.
Bianca asks Darienne how she's going making an outfit for her Courtney puppet.
"I was hoping I could get somebody else to make it for me," says Darienne.
Don't need no dimmer switch.
"It's interesting that Bianca, who could have taken any of us down, got Adore - the absolute easiest one to puppet. It's nothing bad Adore, you're just basically already a puppet," says De La.
Leave your sunscreen at home.
IT'S PUPPET CHALLENGE TIME!
* Adore's puppet looks absolutely nothing like Ben De La Creme, and she doesn't really make any good jokes, but no one cares because she does the most bang-on impression of her voice she could honestly consider becoming a Ben De La Creme tribute act. You know, should that ever be profitable. (HINT: it probably won't.)
* Bianca's Adore puppet, meanwhile, could actually be her. Or at least, related to her.
Or at least, related to her drag daughter from last week.
* Darienne glues a few beads to her Courtney puppet and calls it a dress, which is pretty much what Courtney does every week so fair play, and then does a weird impression of an Australian accent that sounds like Rebel Wilson auditioning for a role in a Guy Ritchie movie. By the way, that would be the WORST movie EVER.
* She does a damn sight better than Courtney though, who bombs her way through a totally unfunny routine but inexplicably has people rolling on the ground when she says "I'm going to go check the internet for some jokes, I don't have any wi-fi here so I'm finding it very difficult to be funny."
Yeah, I dunno either. I think it's called "editing".
* The cream of the crop though is De La, who finds a previously undervalued use for acrylic nails in creating her anatomically accurate Bianca Del Rio puppet:
Admit it: you thought this WAS Bianca Del Rio.
* Suddenly the door bursts open - it's a late entry in the puppet competition!
Sadly she's disqualified for copyright infringement. Never mind, Laganja.
De La is declared the best and... I dunno, wins the puff of air coming out of Ru's mouth, I suppose.
RuPaul then explains the day's main challenge: to create three separate outfits based on a particular gemstone for the inaugural "Glitterball", which I assume is something Michelle Visage's cats cough up on a regular basis.
Turns out De La's prize is actually to assign a gemstone to each queen: diamonds to Adore, sapphires to Bianca, topaz to Darienne, rubies to Courtney and pink quartz for herself. She still gets to keep the puff of air, though.
"First category is 'Banjee Girl Bling'," says RuPaul, and everyone nods and smiles as if "banjee girl" is totally a thing that everyone has heard of before and that doesn't need any explaining.
My reaction exactly.
Seriously. Even Wikipedia is sketchy on this shit.
"Second category is 'Platinum Card Executive Realness'," he continues.
"WTF is a platinum card?"
"Final category is 'Dripping in Jewels Eleganza'," he concludes.
"That means it's another costume challenge. HOLY SHIT," wails Adore, who has only had to make one costume so far in 11 weeks but is so mentally scarred from the experience she may never again be able to go near a Spotlight without having seizures.
Knowing she lacks the requisite skills to create a diamond-covered ball gown that doesn't look like it was found at the bottom of a three-year-old's toybox, Adore concentrates all her mindpower to summon the spirit of Laganja Estranja to help her with the construction, shouting "COME ON, DIAMONDS!"
Sadly, the spirit of Laganja is otherwise occupied teaching death drops to eliminated queens in drag heaven, so it looks like Adore's on her own.
One queen who definitely doesn't need any help is seamstress extraordinaire Bianca Del Rio, who has already finished her first two outfits by the time RuPaul has left the room.
And when she works out you're meant to wear a tutu around your waist she'll be well on the way with her third.
Nicest Queen of All The Land De La explains she chose to give diamonds to Adore for this challenge because it was the easiest gemstone to work with.
"Why not just give her cement shoes and throw her in the water and give her something really rough?" says Darienne.
Just don't throw Darienne in the water. That won't turn out well.
"I wouldn't throw YOU under the damn ocean," snaps Adore.
Of course, this is what it would look like if she did.
"People say I'm being mean, but I'm in this for a crown and $100,000. You help yourself before you help others," Darienne says.
In other news, Darienne would be the worst air hostess ever.
Meanwhile, over in the other corner RuPaul is getting a well thought-out and eloquent description of the gown Adore is making for her "eleganza" look:
She should have just said "party".
Then she breaks down in tears, confessing she feels inadequate and lost and that she's not showing the judges her full potential, and with the emotional music playing it's all very midday movie.
"WHY CAN'T MY BRAIN ALLOW ME TO MAKE A FUCKING DRESS," she wails.
RuPaul meanwhile, looks like this:
"The things is, will people BUY a mint flavoured chocolate bar...?"
"You have to learn to apply your great things, like in the rapping or the singing, you have to learn how to apply what you have there into the other challenges," says Ru, extremely unhelpfully.
"Put it in this fucking dress. Do you hear what I'm saying?"
"So I should sing about the dress?"
While Adore runs off to write a rap about her half-made ball gown RuPaul heads over to Darienne Lake's table to ask her how she feels about the critiques she's been getting.
"I listen and take it in and I try to grow from it," Darienne says.
OH HA HA JEEZ DARIENNE IF YOU GROW ANY MORE YOU'LL BE...
"As large as I am I still have room to grow," she finishes.
Oh. Right. Well. Good joke, I guess.
"Why haven't you won more challenges?" RuPaul asks her.
"You tell me, bitch."
Then RuPaul makes a totally unexpected and shocking announcement that as well as making three outfits, the queens will have to stage an opening musical number. Just like every single time this challenge has been featured on previous seasons.
"Can you pull a face like you've just found out your house has burned down with your entire family inside? And your dog has been run over? And also that you're adopted? Great thanks, we'll use that somewhere in the show, not sure where yet."
De La is declared director of the piece, and her first directive is to hand the entire job over to Courtney Act. Nicely played.
As it turns out she needn't have bothered, because everyone starts making up their own choreography anyway.
BIANCA IS UNIMPRESSED WITH YOUR SUGGESTIONS.
Like, REALLY unimpressed.
"The ending seems like we drank caffeine and went to a zumba class," Bianca spits.
I feel like that's being generous. Zumba is actually choreographed.
But enough of these follies, it's time to get cracking on those costumes, so they all head back to the Werq Room where Ben De La Creme shows off her in-depth knowledge of advanced mathematics by summarising the current status of the competition.
"This challenge determines who is in the top four and the odds are getting narrower and narrower," she says.
Translation for the rest of us.
Darienne takes one look at her eleganza gown in the mirror and decides to rip it up and start again.
Back at home, the chief marketing executive for Bean Bags R Us rips up the contract he's just drafted offering Darienne a permanent job as brand ambassador.
A missed opportunity for everyone, really.
Meanwhile Adore is having an even worse time, on account of her not knowing how to operate a sewing machine. Were you aware of that? I think she's mentioned it once or twice.
Fortunately her patron saint Bianca Del Rio is on hand to give her some advice, which pretty much amounts to "just glue it, dickhead".
"She really doesn't know how to execute costumes, much less couture. She can't even spell it," says Saint Del Rio.
She'll be fine.
But enough of all this faffing about with frills...
IT'S CATWALK TIME!
* In an attempt to win over Mattel as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as this Barbie:
Except Ru doesn't come in a box.
* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage has come as Barbie's sluttier, discontinued friend Connie:
Last name Lingus.
* Meanwhile guest judge Khloe Kardashian didn't even know about the sponsorship bid but has helpfully arrived dressed as "Yacht Barbie" anyway:
She got the outfit on sail. GET IT?
* And then there's Bob Mackie:
"Honey, people model Barbies after ME, not the other way around."
* Moving on to the queens' big musical number which... yeah. All I can say is the last time I saw five chicks staggering around wailing like that I threw them a dollar.
* Ben De La Creme is first on the runway with her "Banjee Girl" look, a term I'm still totally confused about. If it's supposed to mean "what Michelle Visage wears to go hiking", I reckon she nailed it:
No chance of getting lost in the woods in this outfit.
* But then Adore Delano shows up and it's obvious "Banjee Girl" actually means "Michelle Visage at 16":
Just quietly, these are THE BEST BOOTS EVER and I want a pair.
* Then there's Bianca Del Banjee, looking like Lucy Ricardo gave up on comedy for a career hooking on the Upper East Side, and now I'm totally confused:
However if I could, I would wear this exact outfit every day and never take it off, not even for the shower.
* Sensing her time in the competition may be running out, Darienne uses her stint on the catwalk as a last minute bid for a new post-show career as America's premiere Jade Jolie impersonator slash brand ambassador for Easy Steps sandals:
One or the other, either is fine.
* Finally it's TPOA Courtney Act who, as an Australian, also clearly has no idea what a "Banjee Girl" is so just does an impression of a drunk girl copping a squat in Kings Cross at 3am on a Saturday:
"OI SHAZZA WAIT FOR ME YA MOLE, OYM JARST AVIN A SLASH!"
* Next up Ben De La Creme is back with her "Platinum Card Executive Realness" look.
"She's a lady who looks like she could buy and sell you over lunch," she says.
Sure she could. Because she runs a brothel.
* Adore Delano serves up some serious Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction realness, which isn't really "executive" when you consider that Uma's character in that film was basically a gangster's junkie mole, but hey. She looks hot.
Those pants though. Girl, why can't you work out your damn hem line?
* Then in walks Bianca Del Rio, real estate agent to the stars. Or Avon lady, I'm not sure which:
I'd like to point out that I have that exact handbag in gold. Thank you.
* Suddenly Kirstie Alley wanders on to the set by accident on her way to filming a TJ Maxx commercial and... Oh wait. That's Darienne.
This was a bad executive decision.
* "She's a music executive, she's not going to wear some blazer and separates," says Darienne, by way of explaining why her corporate look consists of a sequinned top, leather jacket and kitten heels.
What kind of music is she selling, Darienne? Teeny-bopper punk disco?
In episode four I wondered if Darienne had shares in a green sequin company. You all laughed.
* TPOA Courtney Act, meanwhile, decides to take "platinum executive" literally:
Cleverly, she has also mastered the art of levitating, as she demonstrates in the picture on the right.
* DING DING! Final round! And on comes De La looking like somebody poured a tall swig of sparkling pink lemonade into a Playboy-bunny-shaped glass. They have those, right? If not: Hugh, talk to Ru's marketing team. They'll get that shit happening for you.
In light of Ben's gorgeous smile, I am prepared to ignore the slice of pizza in her hair.
* Next up is Adore in diamonds, looking like Pris from Bladerunner on her way to a deb ball:
She's ready to garotte the first judge who gives her a bad critique.
* Not to be outdone in pop culture references, Bianca Del Rio hits the runway looking like Smurfette auditioning for the role of Blanche Dubois in adult film "A Street Whore Named Sapphire":
Unfortunately no one could see her performance, as she blended into the curtains.
* And finally it's TPOA Courtney Act, who is bravely soldiering on with her runway appearance despite having contracted a nasty case of facial shingles backstage:
Red. For filth.
* Khloe tells Ben De La Creme she "didn't get the tool" of her Banjee Girl outfit. So wait.. "banjee girl" is something to do with hardware now? Were they all supposed to come out wielding spanners and nailguns? I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED. Oh wait, she said "tulle".
"Bungee Girl" would have been easier.
* Khloe Kardashian then criticises Ben De La Creme for not being memorable. Meanwhile, watching at home, Kim Kardashian turns to Kanye and says "Who's that?"
* Rather fittingly, given she is wearing ruby, Courtney is "red" to filth by Michelle Visage.
"Girl, bamboo earrings does not a banjee girl make," says Michelle.
Oh this is ridiculous. Holy Trinity, can you help?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WON'T SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS SHIT?
* Santino loves Courtney's jewelled outfit. Michelle hates it. Santino says she's wrong. Michelle says Courtney is basic.
Out now on iTunes.
* Everyone heaps praise on Adore, who attributes her new found superpowers to having "an epiphany in the bathtub". Gross Adore, you should really do that BEFORE you get in the tub, it's not hygienic.
* Bob Mackie tells Bianca her sapphire gown looks like "a bar mitzvah mother", and you can practically hear her heart breaking...
Although the sound is somewhat muffled by all those ruffles.
* Michelle Visage tells Darienne Lake her Banjee Girl was more "rave". If by "rave" she means "giant technicolour boa constrictor after swallowing a goat" then yes, I concur.
* Michelle Visage does not like Darienne's "Executive Realness" look.
"Your executive realness, I didn't buy that. Executive where? Jiffy Lube?" she asks. Ouch.
* Michelle Visage doesn't like Darienne's eleganza look either, mainly because it looks like she skinned Tan Mom, turned her into a sack dress and used a Bedazzler on it.
It also looks rather like she's had an unfortunate groin-related accident, none of which adds up to anything even vaguely resembling "eleganza":
Meanwhile, a lucrative post-show career endorsing Depends is calling Darienne's name.
* Meanwhile, I'm sure all of this ferocious critique will be borne out in the final decision.
Of course it will.
* RuPaul asks all the queens to say who they think should go home. De La says Darienne. Adore says Darienne. Bianca says Darienne. Courtney says Darienne.
So, Darienne, who should go home?
"I think Darienne, you should really go home for what you have done today. Think about what you did and realise the criticisms," says Darienne.
Either she is astrally projecting into the body of Michelle Visage, or those experimental diet drugs she bought online from Russia are only just starting to kick in.
There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Karen's Krazy Kraft Warehouse in Tacoma, Washington. KKK Warehouse: Not what you think! Who needs big name sponsors eh?
RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a limited edition Sharon Needles trading card with the face scratched out by a "disappointed fan", a packet of pretzels (expiry May 2009), and a three litre cask of lambrusco, before declaring Adore Delano the evening's winner and sending Ben De La Creme and Darienne Lake to the bottom two to lip sync for their lives.
The last time this happened, RuPaul had a bout of early onset dementia and forgot to send anyone home.
Not this time though.
Ben De La Creme gives a truly foot-stomping performance to Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger", strutting around the stage just like a glittering pink flamingo with a pizza slice on its head would.
But when it comes to strutting it's clear Darienne has the advantage, thanks to her Easy-Steps wide-fit sandals with patented under-toe cushion technology.
And so ultimately, despite not wearing any sequinned sacks or ugly shoes at any point this season, De La is told to sashay away.
Alaska articulates my feelings.
But hey-ho, what's done is done and RuPaul has chocolate bars to sell, so hurry along now, De La.
Any last words?
"Can everyone stop comparing me to Michelle Visage now?"