In every season of every reality TV show competition there comes a time when the producers look at each other and say "This shit seems to be making money. How can we spin it out for at least one more week?"
That time, my friends, is known as "Clip Show Time", or "Filler Episode Time", or in the case of RuPaul's Drag Race:
In this show RuPaul promises to count down this season's top runway looks, breakdowns, bitch fights and "WTF moments", as well as air previously unseen footage of Khloe Kardashian doing something.
I'm practically paralysed with excitement over the news that we may get to see even more footage of Khloe Kardashian talking about her "puss", so thankfully RuPaul kicks straight into proceedings by listing this seasons "Top 6 Catchiest Phrases".
Before we go any further it's come to my attention that the Bland Canyon Rucaps have so far this season failed to launch any drinking games, a grievous error on my part that shall be rectified now.
RUPAUL'S COUNTDOWN TO THE CROWN DRINKING GAMEDrink when any of the following occurs:
* One of the Bland Canyon Holy Trinity appears.
* RuPaul tries to make "Oh no she betta don't" happen.
* Khloe Kardashian mentions her puss.
* "Come on, natch!"
Right, back to the show, and oh look who it is!
So according to RuPaul, the top six catchphrases from this season are:
* "Mother has arrived" - Vivacious/Ornacia. Really? Out of everything everyone said over the last 13 weeks, you chose THAT? Nope. Just, nope. (And by the way, DRINK).
* Everything Joslyn Fox said. Well sure, but that's cheating. You might as well just scrap this whole list and put up a photo of Laganja for five minutes, on account of her being a walking catchphrase.
* "Absolutely" - Gia Gunn. Yeah, OK, I'll pay that.
* Everything Bianca Del Rio said. Refer to point two.
* "Oh no she betta don't!".
* "Party" - Adore Delano. Yeah. OK.
Wait. Seriously? THAT'S your top six catchphrases from this year? AND LAGANJA DIDN'T EVEN MAKE IT IN? Did you even WATCH this show, RuPaul?
* "I'm young, hung and clearly march to the sound of my own drum so props to ya, mama!" - Laganja Estranja.
* "Oh-kurrr?" - Laganja Estranja.
* "YASSS, MAMA!" - Laganja Estranja.
* "Did you not or did you not come for me?" - Laganja Estranja.
* Everything Laganja said, ever.
* "Beat it, queen!" - Bianca Del Rio.
* "Not today, Satan!" - Bianca Del Rio.
* "LIES! Liza Minelli!" - Vivacious.
* "You should have been read for that hair but you weren't, so." - Gia Gunn.
* "I don't jump guns, I AM the boom boom gun," - Gia Gunn.
* "I'm the team leader and everything comes on my back!" - Adore Delano.
And any list of catchphrases would be incomplete without the best one of all:
* "COME ON, NATCH!" - Laganja Estranja. (PS: DRINK.) (Yes, it still counts if I say it.)
Still thirsty? Good.
Also Alaska turned up about a million times in that segment, so just grab whatever you've got left and down it in one.
Moving on to the next list: the "Top Four Team Talent MVPs", a collection of words which makes no sense to me but I think might have something to do with sexual health testing.
Whatever it is, Bianca, Adore, Courtney and Ben De La Creme all get a mention, so I hope they're OK. Also Alaska, Sharon and Jinkx appear three times each, so that's nine drinks you gotta down right now. It's OK, I'll wait.
Now rack up a double for the first funny joke of the episode, courtesy of Sharon Visage.
"Adore's rap was flawless. And I know rap: stop relying on that body... guard soundtrack," she says.
Time for a new list: "Top Three WTF Moments".
Can I list this entire episode as number three? I can't. OK well then number three is that game where they had to sit on each other and wiggle their legs around.
"I love that challenge where one queen is on the bottom with her legs spread, and the other is on top, moving her mouth - it was like my relationship with Sharon," says Alaska.
I don't think I need to explain why you should drink a triple for that.
Number two is the hangman game played on the Pit Crew's bums, and number one was the time all the queens had to jump into a pit full of foam.
Whatever, look, clearly this show is going to be the most boring of all time, so instead let's talk about Raven's jacket, which is utterly magnificent and giving me Sharon Needles golden Elvis Party City wig realness:
Getting on with it, and the next list is the "Top Four Drag-cessories", otherwise known as "the first four items featured on this show that we could remember and easily find footage of".
Gia's handbag, April Carrion's rain umbrella and the "fish oil" prop from Shade: The Rusical (what?) are all listed, as is, of course:
Meanwhile: ALASKA, ALASKA, JINKX, ALASKA, JINKX, ALASKA.
Next up: "Top Five Moments That Made Us Feel Things".
This episode is making me feel bored. Does that count?
The time RuPaul cut Milk out of everyone's diet comes in at number five and both Alaska and Jinkx say something, I don't know what though, I'm way too drunk to concentrate that hard. Drink a pint of something, preferably with milk in it. Like a White Russian.
Then there's Laganja's breakdown, most notable for the fact that WE'VE SAT THROUGH 26 MINUTES OF THIS BORING ASS SHOW SO FAR AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME LAGANJA HAS BEEN FEATURED. WHAT GIVES, RUPAUL?
PS: Jinkx, Alaska.
Also apparently the wedding episode was deemed one that "made us feel things". Yeah. The only thing I felt in that episode was justified in my conviction that watching straight men do drag is boring as hell.
BUT WAIT, STOP EVERYTHING. SOMETHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING. There's some never-before-seen footage from the Cher Family Interview-tastrophe episode in which the queens also had to handle some zoo animals.
Yeah OK, false alarm. It wasn't interesting at all.
Maybe just have another drink.
Moving on to the next count down: "The Top 10 Turnt-Up Runway Looks", otherwise known as "the top 10 outfits our production intern randomly clicked on in the edit suite".
Darienne Lake gets a look-in with one of her green sequinned sacks, as does Laganja for that time she turned up with a dead crow on her head.
"Laganja, Lady Gaga called, she wants her hat back," says Sharon Visage.
Trinity K Bonet, Ben De La Creme, Adore, Milk, Courtney Act and Bianca Del Rio get a nod, as does Vivacious for her traffic cone slash sea anemone look of episode three, and Joslyn Fox for her "Seatbelt Slut" costume of episode six, proving once and for all that the producers have all gone off for cocktails and left the editing of this show to the Edit Bot 5000.
Speaking of drunk: Alaska just said a bunch of stuff. So. You know. Why are you even bothering anymore, just hook that shit up to an IV and be done with it.
Then RuPaul goes through her best looks, otherwise known as "the part where I quickly dash to the servo to get more vodka".
Then (are you still awake? Don't worry, we're half way through, and if you're still reading this you're nowhere near drunk enough yet) we have a flashback of all the memorable guest judges from this season, like... that guy with that thing! And... that Broadway star! And Neil Patrick Harris.
WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP! That highly annoying and overly loud alarm can mean only one thing: Khloe Kardashian is back.
"My puss is very large and in charge," says Khloe Kardashian.
WAIT! SOMETHING EXCITING IS HAPPENING!
There's some never-before-seen footage of Khloe Kardashian lip syncing on stage with Raven and Manila, for no apparent reason. It was supposed to air as part of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but apparently that show was already full of more interesting footage of Kim lying on a couch and wandering around her house.
"This footage is so exclusive, it got cut from not one but TWO shows!" gasps RuPaul.
Moving on to the next count down: "The Top Five Smackdowns", otherwise known as "five bits of footage from Untucked that seemed like they may have been a bit tense or something".
Apparently Gia vs Milk was a thing (anyone remember this?), a fight which is not at all worth remembering except for the fact that it gives Sharon Visage the chance to crack a joke about tilapia ("Why is Gia so excited about Tilapia? It's like, the cheapest fish!") (DRINK, of course).
Then there's Courtney vs Joslyn, otherwise known as "the conflict the producers concocted", and Darienne vs Ben De La Creme, otherwise known as "the conflict everyone has since pretended didn't actually happen".
And there are some others too, whatever. I'm so bored you guys, I've actually spent the last half an hour turning this piano into a drink dispenser:
Jinkx and Alaska say some stuff, none of it particularly funny, so drink (but only half-heartedly) and let's roll on to the next segment which is something about which queens were the nicest. That's Joslyn Fox, Bianca and Trinity and... wait, what?
Holding up OK? Don't worry, we're on the home stretch now, only a few dozen more boring clips to sit through before you can check yourself into the emergency room for stomach pumping.
It's time for a final look at our final three - Adore, Bianca and Courtney, conveniently labelled A, B and C. We all already know how wonderful each of them is, but one question remains:
WHO IS THE HOLY TRINITY BACKING?
Well we don't know, because only Alaska answered that question.
"I like Adore Delano because she's 22," she says, neglecting to finish her sentence with "and I'd like to sleep with her".
We do, however, get to see them eating RuPaul's chocolate bar. So to speak.
Finally, after 40 minutes of absolutely nothing happening and no one being very funny at all apart from Sharon Needles, we come to the end of this season's superfluous filler show - but not before the WORLD PREMIERE of RuPaul's "Sissy That Walk" music video, which you may remember the final three had to perform in on last week's episode.
Now try and get it out of your head. YOU CAN'T, CAN YOU?
Compared to her last videos which looked like they were filmed on an iPhone and edited with an axe by a Valium-addicted lumberjack, this is definitely RuPaul's best clip to date.
Discounting Darienne, who no one cares about anymore, Adore is definitely the best performer here, despite her patented "kiss the flame" vagina lick not making the final cut. I think we can agree this is devastating for everyone concerned.
Bianca pulls off the moves OK but looks a bit like Bozo the Clown went back in time to the 1950s and became a cross dressing sex worker. Courtney, on the other hand, has mistaken "fierce" for "batshit crazy" and looks like she's on her way to eat the cameraman.
Nevertheless, these are the three we're stuck with and next week one of them will finally be crowned.
See you next week y'all! Make sure your liquor cabinet is stocked! Or if you're like me, your liquor wardrobe!
Wanna know who wins? READ EPISODE 14 - THE FINALE! Or delay your satisfaction and go back to READ EPISODE 12 again. I mean, there are a million reasons why not, but don't worry about that, just do it. You'll enjoy it, seriously.