Well drag hags, as a famous group of philosophers once said: "We've come to the end of the road, still I can't let go, it's unnatural... yada yada yada et cetera".
In other words: we're down to our final four, and we begin this week in the Werq Room where they're gathering for the very last time to make sympathetic sounding noises and pretend to care about the one that got kicked off in the previous episode.
That was Ben De La Creme, who in the time-honoured tradition of eliminated queens, has left a special farewell message to Darienne on the mirror:
With De La gone, the niceness quotient in the room has dropped by about 60 per cent, which is enough to tip Courtney Act over the edge from "meddlesome diva" to "full blown shrew", attacking Adore Delano's win at the last costume challenge.
"Are they seeing what I'm seeing? She was just wearing a white tutu with a corset and some sparkles on it," she says.
"Tonight Courtney kind of threw me under the mat," Adore spits.
Jeez Adore, get with it - even Joslyn Fox knows it's buses you get thrown under, not mats. And English isn't even her cup of soup.
Just checking - nothing's really happened so far, right? Great - time for a
Suddenly the walls begin to shake, the shelves start wobbling from side to side and the floor begins to vibrate, bringing everyone to their knees quicker than happy hour at Willam's house. There's a low rumbling noise followed by a high pitched squeal, and everyone looks around to see if Laganja Estranja has been brought back as a wildcard contestant - but then the door bursts open and...
Wait, that's not RuPaul! OH MY GOD, IT'S BEN DE LA...
"It's me, Ben De La Creme, I'm back!" shouts Michelle Visage.
Yeah. Right. Good joke, I guess.
Michelle explains that she's standing in for RuPaul while he's off doing more important things, like arranging his sock drawer and having a colonic irrigation, and tells them their next challenge will be starring in the new music video for his song "Sissy That Walk". You might have heard it once or twice, or every single episode this season such that it's forever burned into your cerebral cortex.
Meanwhile, Adore hears "music video" and immediately starts coming up with ideas for her first single post Drag Race:
"You'll all be learning 'sissyography' with world renowned choreographer Jamal Sims," says Michelle excitedly.
As well as lip syncing and dancing and trying not to bash their brains against the wall to get "Sissy That Walk" out of their heads, they'll each have to do some acting as well - mostly pretending that starring in a RuPaul video is a good career move.
Suddenly Jamal Sims shows up to solve the mystery of who he is which, as it turns out, is possibly the guy from 1999 blockbuster The Mummy
He's also there to teach them "sissyography" which, as it turns out, is pretty much just regular choreography, otherwise known as "choreography that Darienne and Bianca can't do".
"This is Ru's video, so we cannot fuck it up," says Jamal.
Just a reminder.
But enough of all that flailing on the dancefloor, it's lunch time!
RuPaul has called each of the queens to her private dining room for a quick meal of Temazepam:
Up first is The Pride of Australia Courtney Act, who launches straight into an explanation of why RuPaul should give her the crown.
"I look good, I can sing good, I can dance good," she says.
RuPaul starts talking about vulnerability and humanity and emotion and something else that's probably in her book that she nicked from "Chicken Soup for the Soul" and ultimately concludes Courtney has what it takes.
"I know you have vulnerability, I can see it in your eyes," says RuPaul.
Next into the luncheonette is Darienne Lake, who neatly kills any bitchy gag I was going to make by emotionally describing how her mother hates her and kicked her out of home and thinks gay people are inferior, and how she suffers from self esteem issues.
Thankfully, RuPaul saves the day by accidentally dropping some innuendo.
"Loving yourself really takes daily practice," she says.
Back in the Werq Room, Bianca Del Rio is struggling with putting together her final catwalk costume, having misheard the theme of "runway realness" as "runway eelness" and constructed a dress that makes it look like she's being devoured by a Lamprey:
Courtney, meanwhile, looks like someone who was rejected from Whoville for being too ostentacious:
"I might not have expensive gowns and accessories but you don't need all of that to be a fucking star," sighs Adore, not even convincing herself.
"You can wear a paper bag and you can see out of the crowd who is going to be something."
Back to RuPaul's dining room where it's Bianca Del Rio's turn for a lunch date.
I'd like to be able to pick on something stupid Bianca did that was funny but there really wasn't anything, because she was totally charming and intelligent and basically Mary Poppinsed the shit out of that interview.
Fortunately Adore Delano is up next... but even she kills any comedic potential by crying about her father and how she doesn't have a relationship with him, and how her mum is her everything, and god it's all so depressing.
Luckily RuPaul starts talking about her bone, and erections (or resurrections, I'm not sure now) and we all move on to the next segment where...
IT'S MUSIC VIDEO TIME!* All the queens have to dress as hookers and dance on a treadmill, otherwise known as "Michelle Visage's morning routine", which goes as well as expected until Adore accuses Darienne of copying her by pretending to lick her own vagina, despite neither of them actually having one.
* On to the first bout of acting, which RuPaul is filming not only for his music video but to use as his audition tape for Samuel L Jackson's role in upcoming film "The Avengers 3: Queer Eye for the Superhero Guys":
* Adore is up first, playing an ingenue model being taken advantage of by a cruel photographer. So if this scene doesn't work out for the music video, at least she can salvage it to audition for a role in Hallmark movie: "Pornarazzi: The Terry Richardson Story".
* Adore is quite nervous and stiff. Fortunately RuPaul foresaw this as an issue, and has used his other worldly powers to animate an ancient Greek statue to direct her on how to loosen up:
* Next is Bianca Del Rio, who warms up for the role by practising the first thing she's going to say to Laganja Estranja when she gets off the show:
* Then there's Darienne Lake, who warms up by practising the first thing Ben De La Creme fans are going to say to her when she gets off the show:
* And then there's Courtney Act, who warms up by practising what Drag Race fans have been wanting to do to RuPaul since he sent Trinity home:
* Moving on to the second acting challenge, where the queens have to play faded, jaded and deluded supermodel "Sissy" to RuPaul's "Charles", who looks like... well...
"He's dressed up like an extra from 'Good Times'," cackles Bianca, once again proving that she should just run this blog and I should go and watch TV and eat pizza and make stupid remarks from my couch like I'm supposed to.
* "I AM SISSY!" Bianca crows wildly, like a mad woman pushed to the edge by a cruel lover. Or like someone who's had to share a dressing room with Gia Gunn.
"HAVE A DRINK ON ME, YOU BASTARD!" she cries as she flings a bottle at RuPaul's head.
* Next up is Adore, slurring her lines and falling all over the set. She either ate too much Temazepam at lunch or is just better at that Anna Nicole Smith impression than anyone first thought.
* Not to be outdone, Courtney turns up in an actual Anna Nicole costume:
* "Oyve carm all the way from Sydney to bring yew harm," says RuPaul, in the most convincing Australian accent since Meryl Streep said that thing about that dingo.
"Oy see nah that Courtney's dead. So goodbye fer evah. NYE!"
"This is a man that you loved, I need to feel conflict," says the Greek statue.
Wavy lines, doobly doo music, a few angry, misspelled tweets from Ben De La Creme fans, more wavy lines... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where everyone is reminiscing about how they hated each other when they first met.
"I was like 'ugh, I don't like her'," Courtney tells Adore
"Yeah, I kind of got that energy from you in the beginning," Adore says.
"When I first met you I was afraid of you, I thought we were going to fight," Adore tells Bianca.
"I want Bianca to finish a sentence without a joke," Courtney says.
"OK - Courtney is an asshole," says Bianca.
"The scart part of this whole thing is that we've come all this way and there's a huge chance that you don't make it," Bianca says.
"Yeah it's like - 'I finally got to Hawaii and then I fell in a volcano!'," says Darienne.
Sure, OK. Here are some other things this situation is like: Finally climbing the Eiffel Tower and accidentally becoming paraplegic at the top; finally getting to Disneyland and being garotted by Mickey Mouse; finally getting to the finale of Drag Race and seeing Darienne Lake win.
But enough of all this chatter...
IT'S CATWALK TIME!* In an attempt to win over Microsoft as a replacement sponsor for Absolut vodka, RuPaul arrives dressed as this desktop background:
* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage has come as this laptop computer:
* First on the floor is Adore Delano, in a holographic sequinned flapper dress that makes her look a little like a disco ball, if that disco ball had been on the juice diet for the last 47 days and got its only nutrition from cigarettes and pashing rent boys:
* Then there's Bianca Del Rio, in the dress she should have worn last week:
* I'd love to tell you about TPOA Courtney Act's outfit but I can't, because as soon as I saw it I was instantly blinded by its lusciousness and the perfection of her make up and hair, and god I wish I looked this gorgeous:
* And finally there's Darienne Lake, looking ever more like an actual lake in a blue beaded-fringe cocktail dress:
* Santino reads Adore's wig for looking like a headband.
* Everybody loves Bianca. Of course.
* After calling Courtney Act "basic" last week, Michelle Visage finally finishes her sentence with "...ally the prettiest drag queen anyone's ever seen", causing her to faint.
* "Tonight is just classic Darienne," says Michelle, which is weird because Darienne isn't wearing a green sequinned sack.
* "I could watch that on repeat for hours," Santino says of Darienne's video scene. You know, the one where she screams "I HATE YOU" over and over. So... I guess we all now know what Santino's into.
* RuPaul asks the queens why they should win the competition. Adore says something about mermaids, Bianca says something about old dogs, Courtney says "blah blah blah Australian blah blah blah" and Darienne calls herself a bitter old queen. Compelling arguments from all concerned, I think you'll agree.
There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Clarry's Condom Cave in Pensacola, Florida. Come have a poke around in Clarry's Condom Cave - you never know what you'll find! Who needs big name sponsors eh?
RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a half finished sample lip gloss Michelle Visage stole from Sephora, a 20 per cent off coupon for Wal Mart (valid North Dakota only) and a blunt pencil Jinkx Monsoon once chewed before sending all the queens into an epic four-way lip sync battle.
All four queens sync their hearts out, strutting around the stage and giving crazy eyes and flapping their gowns around until it finishes in the most fitting way: with Bianca posing like FLOTUS, Courtney doing a disco move, Adore on her knees whipping her hair and Darienne daring everyone to fight her.
Michelle Visage gets out her calculator, pushes a few buttons, then starts doing a few sums on a piece of paper before getting out her phone and calling the National Homework Help Hotline. Forty Five minutes later she's confirmed her suspicions: only three queens can be in the top three.
One has to go - and tonight it's Darienne.
Any final words, Daz?
"I've come this far and to get so close, it's like 'The Wizard of Oz' - you get there, you had to kill a witch, and you get nothing at the end," she says.
I think I preferred her Hawaii metaphor.
So there you have it, our final three: Adore Delano, Bianca Del Rio and Courtney Act. Did you pick them? Who will win?
Before we find out, you'll have to read the STUPID FILLER EPISODE 13. Or you can go back in time and READ EPISODE 11? It was good, remember? You don't remember? Perfect - go read it, refresh your memory.