When we last left our daters Burgo had just been involved in a car crash on his way to a date. Which is a huge coincidence, because that's basically what the rest of his evening turns out to be.
Mutual friends have set him up on a date with a girl called Lil, so he's meeting her for dinner at a trendy city restaurant (this one to be exact). But even before the vehicular damage and mild whiplash you can tell the night's not going to go well when he decides this is the best choice of footwear to impress her:
"Chicks dig hairy toes, right?"
"I've got an ingrown toenail, and I don't care," he announces, which I sincerely hope is something he alerts Lil to at dinner. Perhaps between courses, for maximum romantic effect.
"Forsooth, I have an ingrown toenail but yea, I care not!"
FAMOUS FIRST DRAFTS.
"With aftershave it's crucial to get it on the back of your ear, because when people come in for a kiss that's what they smell," Burgo says, spraying on some duty free cologne in the bathroom.
Then he sprays some on his bum, so I'm not exactly sure what that means.
Burgo continues his charm offensive in the car by announcing he'll have to switch his phone off during the date in case he gets booty calls from other women.
"I'm texting two other young ladies at the moment and imagine if the phone goes off and this other person's name pops up," he says.
That would be super embarrassing.
He is is then promptly rear-ended, which isn't really an ideal way to start OR end a date, to be honest. [Insert cheap joke about Johnny here].
Either way Burgo is 18 minutes late for his dinner date with Lil, but he makes up for it with a killer opening line upon his arrival.
"I was gonna stand you up but I thought I'd come, that's why I'm late," he says.
This is the appropriate reaction to that joke.
Somehow Lil is not put off by this, tenderly touching his arm and asking if he's OK. Perhaps she thinks he's suffered brain damage.
Unfortunately touching Burgo's arm alerts her to his almost total lack of preparation for this date.
"You didn't have time to iron your shirt," she laughs.
"No it's fine, I mean, I did my hair and makeup and bought a whole new outfit but a crumpled shirt and thongs is totally fine, I'm well impressed, ha ha ha!"
"It's very important to be yourself and be straight up about who you are, and I'm disgusting and gross," Burgo says, by way of defence. In the interests of honesty, he should probably put that on his Tinder profile.
It becomes fairly obvious that, however he may feel about Lil, Burgo would much rather be at home with a Cup O' Noodles than at this trendy place.
"I don't like seafood. I don't do olives either. Or pineapple, or mushroom," he announces to the waitress, as if he's at a Pizza Hut instead of one of Adelaide's top restaurants.
She looks at him as though he were a pile of leaves that has just blown in off the street and started singing the national anthem.
"Let's just go to Hungry Jack's," he concludes sadly.
Again, this is the only appropriate reaction to that suggestion.
"He's very fussy about food," Lil admits to camera, in what is a serious contender for the 2014 Understatement of the Year awards.
"Do you like salad?" she asks him.
"Do I look like I like salad?" Burgo says.
Pay that. Points for self deprecating charm.
Somehow against all the odds, Burgo and Lil's date seems to be going pretty well. She doesn't seem to mind his crumpled shirt or ingrown toenail or refusal to eat like an adult, and he seems to find her fun and attractive.
But then this happens. Witness, if you will, the most awkward first date conversation of all time:
BURGO: "I love a good burger."
LIL: "Do you? What about a good hot dog?"
BURGO: "Er... nah..."
LIL: "Why are you looking at me like that?"
BURGO: "Because I know you're being... sexual."
LIL: "No. I think that's just the way you're taking it."
BURGO: "Do YOU like hot dogs?"
LIL: "Yeah I do, yeah."
BURGO: *raised eyebrow*
"Can I have a chai latte? Is that embarrassing?" Burgo asks the waitress.
"It's kind of for older ladies, but that's fine," the waitress says, and Lil bursts out laughing.
At this point I reckon Lil should just cut her losses and go out with the waitress instead, she seems way more fun.
"Everyone says chai lattes are so gay," quips Burgo, but luckily Lil and the waitress are busy swapping numbers to hang out after her shift, so neither of them hears him.
After all this romantic talk about barbecue meats and the relative sexuality of after-dinner drinks, it's time for an assessment of the date.
"Lil's the kind of girl I think you can do something more with than just dinner," says Burgo,
"She would be up for a good time. Take that how you will - but she'd be up for a good time."
Like a trip to the circus? That's a good time.
Or a hot air balloon ride? Hey Burgo, you mean like this sort of good time?
Or doing a haunted house amusement park ride? That's definitely a good time!
Unfortunately for Lil though it sounds like Burgo isn't really up for a good time himself. Unless you count wallowing in your own filth as a good time.
"Going for dates is fun ... but I also really like 'come over, I'm in my trackies and I haven't showered today and I smell a little ... and we're just going to chill on the couch'," Burgo says.
"I haven't showered today and I smell a little, wanna come over and chill on the couch?"
FAMOUS FIRST DRAFTS.
I am getting the distinct feeling that the reason Burgo's only pair of footwear is thongs is because he never actually leaves the house.
Dating seems like something of an inconvenience for him, a chore to endure before you can get to the "good part" of the relationship - sitting around watching television in your trackies.
Otherwise known as "marriage".
It feels like Burgo would be happier if he could just skip all of this "getting to know you" crap and order up a girlfriend on his smartphone and have her delivered direct to his home.
Frankly I think this is an easier solution for all concerned.
He can even choose no pineapple, olives or mushrooms.
With this in mind, and after a date comprised mostly of awkward discussions about hotdogs, it's perhaps no surprise that sparks didn't really fly between Burgo and Lil.
Burgo's final word?
"It was a fun date, she's a really fun girl. Are we in love? No. Is she super fun and would I be her friend? Yes," he says.
And Lil's final word?
This says it all, really.
Now read EPISODE THREE when Johnny goes internet dating (aka uses Grindr) and Courtney (you know, that one we've all forgotten is even on the show) does something!
Or go back in time and READ EPISODE TWO again.