Tuesday, July 08, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 4: Johnny and Anna Date Online

Hey girls and boys, let's start this week's recap with a fun game!

See if you can work out what Johnny and Anna are talking about from these two out-of-context quotes that kick off the episode:

    JOHNNY: "Everybody is on it, so it makes dating in your pocket!"

    ANNA: "As soon as I did it, I think I sat there for about two hours just going 'nope, nope, nope'!"

Are they talking about:

    a) New pocket-sized sex toy "the jackrabbit";

    b) Viagra; or

    c) Dating app Tinder?
If you picked C, you're right. Also you're boring and a bit of a know-it-all. (Meanwhile, I continue to wait for the episode about the jackrabbit).

Yes, we have once again turned to the pastime du jour of today's disaffected single youth: listlessly shopping for a root on one's smartphone. Tinder is the way everyone meets now; young people don't go out to bars looking for a shag anymore. Well OK, they do, it's just that when they get there everybody's on Tinder.

*swipes left*

Resident gay Johnny admits he has been "kind of addicted" to Tinder, while glamazon Anna has been less involved, doing a bit of flirting but not going on any actual dates yet. This is possibly because she looks like a slapper in her profile photo - at least according to Johnny, who takes one look and gasps: "That looks like a girl going to HQ!"

Non Adelaideans should note that HQ is the sort of nightclub where one might drink Jaegerbombs while dancing to Jason Derulo and wondering how to get the DJ to notice your lower back tattoo.

Despite what this picture shows, do not expect to find takeaway coffee at HQ, you will be disappointed.

Burgo agrees that Anna's photos are not up to scratch, declaring her "better in real life" - unlike the device he bought online from Japan that one time.

However fellow lady daters Sooz and Courteney think Anna's photos are "cute".

It's the classic male/female divide on aesthetics. It's a fairly complicated dichotomy, let me break it down for you:

What women think is cute.

What men think is cute.

What women think is cute.

What men think is cute.

What women think is cute.

What men think is cute.

What women think is cute.

What men think is cute.

"Are you trying to pick up women, or are you trying to pick up men?" asks Johnny, who it has to be said is not really an authority on either activity.

"Do we think Anna needs to show off some 'assets' in this Tinder profile?" asks Burgo, to a resounding "no" from all those in the room without a Y chromosome.

"Every time I've had cleavage in it, everyone's like 'nice tits, blah blah blah'," says Anna regretfully.

(I think we can all agree though this is still better than "do you like hotdogs?")

Sooz advocates a strict "no tits" rule on Tinder and Anna agrees, resolving not to reveal her "girls" until the first date.

Just which lucky man will get to meet all three of them is yet to be determined, as Anna and Johnny get together for a Tinder flick-through.

"No. No. No. No. No. No," Anna says as they swipe through every single straight man in Adelaide.

"Nope - I've been on a date with that one and he wouldn't actually let me get out of the car," she continues.

He looks shocked, but the only thing stopping Johnny from pulling the same move is the fact that he doesn't have a car.

Anna tells Johnny she's looking for blokes aged 28 to 36. He looks at her like she's just said she's keen to date Rolf Harris.

"I reckon you should drop it down to like, 25. There are some really fit, tall lads who could be into you and are completely developed in their careers," he reasons.

"I don't know if that's what I'm looking for. I'm about personal development," she says.

"Personal? You mean like, his dick?"

Anyway Anna obviously finds someone worth swiping right for, as the next thing we know she's telling us all about her "Tinder date". Well actually she doesn't tell us anything, save for the fact that 24 hours later she hasn't heard a peep out of him.

"I haven't had a message today so I guess it makes you start to question yourself and wonder whether you're good enough," she says.

It's sad that Anna's first conclusion in this situation is that the bloke thinks she's not good enough rather than, say, that his thumbs were sliced off in a freak farming accident. Some people just lack imagination.

In the meantime Johnny has also been on a Tinder date, with someone he tenderly refers to as "boring as fuck guy". Oooh, I hope this story has a happy ending!

"He's just one of those guys you can't imagine having sex with ANYBODY," Johnny tells his mates at the pub.

I'm picturing this.

To give us a better idea of how terrible the date was, Johnny tells his friend to do an impression of "boring as fuck guy".

"Sit there and tell me about your fucking mortgage and your home loan and fucking mundane shit," Johnny instructs, oblivious to the fact that it would be easier for all concerned if HE was the one doing the reenactment, given he is the only one in the room who has actually met the person in question.

Undeterred, Johnny's friend does an impression of "Man with Mortgage", in which he laments his home loan repayments of $200 a week.

Never has it been more evident that this show is about people under 30.

"Oh darling, we might have to cut back on the champagne now we have that $800 a month mortgage to pay off, ha ha ha!"
"Wait, wasn't this house like $600,000?"

Unimpressed by fiscal conversation, Johnny sums up the whole thing in two words: "dud date".

Meanwhile, Anna has caved in and sent her AWOL Tinder paramour a text message. Just something short and friendly asking how he is, where he is, why he hasn't gotten in touch, why his parents never taught him any fucking manners, etc. etc.

"He just wrote back 'all good'," she says.

"Yeah yeah Ophelia, I said 'all good'."


Anna thinks his sudden disappearance might have something to do with her refusing to go home with him after their date.

Pardon me for being old fashioned, but is this not a completely reasonable thing to do? Who are these over-privileged jerk-off man babies who just move on to the next woman if they don't get sex on the first date? Who the hell do they think they are? Where did they learn to treat people like commodities? This is the problem with Tinder you know, everyone just treats everyone else like a piece of meat and no one takes the time to actually get to know anyone, and this is why society is going to hell in a handbasket with everyone having sex over the internet like weird cyber prostitutes and one day the Prime Minister will be someone called Latisha-Jayde with hundreds of naked selfies all over Google from when they were 17 and we'll all have to pretend that's totally fine because that's what the world will be like in 2050 and...


"So I ended up getting a phone call from the guy I went on a date with the other day, and we ended up going out on another date," Anna says.

So he wasn't a jerk! He was just taking his time! Hooray! The world isn't such an awful place after all! Good news for Anna,eh?

"I've kind of decided I don't think we connect too much and I don't really like him," she says.


Now go on and READ EPISODE FIVE, when Sooz goes on a Tinder date (yes, another one) and Courtney continues to fail to get any screen time (probably).

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE THREE again.


  1. So many wonderful things about your recaps for this show, Petstarr, can't begin to say how hilarious. Also can't believe have to wait SO LONG for episodes.
    Apart from awesome recapping, I do love spotting the places where the young people go, gosh Adelaide is so cool!

    And just so you know, I will never vote for Latisha-Jade (well, unless she has some decent asylum-seeker policies).

    Thanks for lols.
    Goss (old person with no Twitter account).

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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