Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 5: Sooz's First Date

This week's episode kicks off with our Daters talking to camera about dates they've gone on. Just for something different. (Look, if it's thrills and spills you're after, you've got the wrong show. They could only afford one dramatic scene this season and they blew that budget on Burgo's car crash in episode two.)


Sooz is quite enthused about a bloke she met a few weeks ago who was "lovely and cute and funny and interesting"...

"We had a good pash," she says.

But then he didn't call for two weeks. Hence this face.

Suddenly an ad for Australia's Most Wanted comes on - looks like it'll be a super creepy episode about a serial killer who torments his victims with YouTube videos shot in hyper close-up and... Hang on, I thought they didn't have ads on the ABC?

Oh, it's just Burgo.

It's Burgo's "date vlog", in which he details his latest romantic escapade. And he makes sure to point out his date was "with a girl", just in case you were wondering whether the bloke who wears crumpled shirts and thongs to fancy restaurants was gay.

His date apparently involved going out for dessert ("which I love") and going for a walk on the beach ("which I hate").

Meanwhile, the only reason Burgo is on this show is because he misheard the producers' request for a "daily date vlog".

Aussie John makes a brief appearance to say he went on a date that "was not overly good" (thanks for painting us a word picture, mate) and then Courtney shows up for her allotted 11 seconds of screen time, which the producers make sure she doesn't exceed by sticking a timer in the corner.

I don't know what she said, I was too busy trying to remember who she was.

Back to Burgo, who is still moaning about having had to walk along a beach instead of being carried by rickshaw or midgets on rollerskates.

"Who does exercise on a date, really?" he sighs.

These people are practically Olympic athletes in Burgo's world.

But enough of all of that - this episode belongs to Sooz (I know this, because it's in the title), and she's explaining her single predicament.

"As a 33-year-old woman I think I need to be OK with the idea of being by myself, on the off chance that I actually don't find somebody I can spend the rest of my life with," she says, in between shots of her punching the living shit out of her gym trainer.

"WHY. WON'T YOU. TEXT ME. BACK. YOU MOTHERFU..."


Evidently the punching bag voodoo works, as "Good Pash" Jack finally gets in touch to ask Sooz out on a date, a proposition to which she responds quite strongly:

Always a good sign.

We don't actually get to see their date (what do you think this is, a show called "The Daters" or something?).

Instead we're treated to a time lapse video of a soy latte being drunk which, to be fair, is still more interesting than anything Courtney's done so far.

Fortunately we're spared a bad re-enactment a la episode four; instead Sooz breaks it down for us post-date, gushing about Jack who is "so funny and so interesting and such a gentleman and just charming and really sexy".

I put those exact words into Google and this was the first thing that came up so... I guess Google has lower standards than Sooz.

Anyway she's all set to go on another date with Good Pash Jack the Dream Man from Fantasytonia when she's struck down with flu and condemned to bed. It took five episodes, but we finally got one of our Daters into bed. Hooray!

Now go on and READ EPISODE SIX when Aussie John goes on a date (no, really?) and Courtney battles for screen time against a banana smoothie.

Or you can go back in time and READ EPISODE FOUR again.



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