Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 6: John Changes His Tune

Has anyone else noticed how every week this show starts with a woman howling "ow ow ow OWWWWW"? Has she stubbed her toe or something? Or is that the noise you make when you accidentally swipe right on Tinder when you should have swiped left?

In this case forget swiping, just throw your phone away altogether.

Anyway it's time to check in with Aussie John, who as you may remember from way back in episode two, is a footloose and fancy free kinda guy who's not remotely interested in serious dating or "the L word".

Burgo's not interested in the L word either, it's just that in his case the L word is "laundry".

Given this episode is titled "John changes his tune" I can only assume he is about to meet the woman of his dreams who reduces him to a pile of blubbering hormones and makes him want to propose immediately. 

Either that, or it's a scintillating 10 minute look at his recent foray into singing lessons. Or it's a typo, and the episode is actually about the time he changed his punctured bicycle tyre tube.

Assuming it's the first, she must be a hell of a girl, because under John's many stringent relationship restrictions (no attachment, no emotions, no girlfriends, no dating) it's kind of hard to understand how any female fits in without some sort of payment changing hands.

"To be honest, I wouldn't mind, you know, having a couple of people to, you know, sort of, you know, 'spoon at night' if you want to put it like that," he explains, making everything even less clear.

Like these couple of guys, John? They spoon at night, during the day, whenever.

Sooz asks John what he would do if he met a girl he really liked. Would he let the relationship go further, or would he call it off?

"I will clearly state that if it does get to a point where either party are thinking 'shit where's this going?'... like, I think we do have to have the conversation," he says.

"It's not the best conversation to have but it's necessary for you to outline your intentions and for her to outline her intentions as well."

An important conversation to have.

Despite all this, John has somehow managed to get a girl to agree to go on a date with him, about which he is "super excited".

"This chick ticks a lot of boxes for me. She's attractive... Well, she's not attractive, she's hot. I'm really looking forward to it," he says.

She ticks all of John's boxes.

As usual we don't get to see the chick or the date, because this is a show called "The Daters" and blah blah grumble grumble whatever.

Instead we get to see John go on a man date with Burgo and Johnny. It's a Saturday night in the city, and everyone is out to have a good time - stylish couples walking hand in hand, sharp dressed bartenders shaking cocktails in the neon-lit windows of trendy bars, and this girl in an alleyway taking the concept of the "selfie" to an epic new level:

For the most effective selfies, be sure to a hire a photographer to tag along with you.

On the way, in the back of the cab, John tells the lads about the hot chick who ticked his box, or whatever.

"It was one of the best dates I've ever been on," he tells them.

"Did you shag her?" asks Johnny, who is immediately handed his 2014 Gentleman of the Year award.

John says he did not, but that they'd had "a great kiss", the conversation flowed and "she took the piss out of me", which is probably better than her taking the conversation out of him while the piss flowed.

"I could really, really date this girl and I'd be as happy as a pig in shit," he says, and is immediately invited to be president of the Rostrum Association for Eloquent Speakers. He puts the application form in his pocket for later consideration.

"I've never felt this in my life before about someone that I've only just met. I certainly didn't see this coming, but it has and I don't know what to do," he says.


Absolutely, 100% the best way to pick up women. Chicks dig groups of blokes slugging shots.

Unfortunately however, it seems the only other people who want to go to a club with a stripper pole in it are single men. SURPRISE.

"It's like a man sausage sizzle in here," says John.

"It's fucken Dick Fest 2014," spits Johnny, with more venom than you would expect for someone who might actually buy tickets to an event called Dick Fest 2014.

They leave the bar and progress to lesson two in "How to impress women": drunkenly shouting and imitating strippers in the street. This move is apparently called "the slutdrop":

"Ha ha, yeah lady strippers are totes like that! Showing their... boobs... and stuff..." - Johnny

It's quite clear that by this stage John is completely paro, so when he admits to camera that he is now "eating his words" over shunning relationships, it would probably be better for everyone if he actually just ate a kebab.

"When a chick comes into your life, and you... she... literally takes your breath away... you can't ignore that," he says.

Yes, if someone LITERALLY takes your breath away, that really IS hard to ignore.

Now go on and READ EPISODE SEVEN when we find out if John is actually in love, and we get a special guest appearance by the back of Courteney's head! (Not the front though. That would be a violation of her contract.)

Can't wait.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE FIVE again. Or don't - EPISODE SEVEN is right here!


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