It's episode two of The Bachelor Australia and I think I speak for everyone when I say THANK GOD, we finally get to see Blake on a boat:
I mean they've aired 75 minutes of footage already, and this is the first god damn boat scene? LIFT YOUR GAME, CHANNEL 10.
(Meanwhile, if you haven't read my recap of episode one yet you're kind of breaking the rules, so go back and do that, please.)
Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, all the women are casually chatting in groups around the X marks the producers duct-taped to the floor earlier. It looks like a cross between a Nescafe ad and the lunch scene in Mean Girls.
"Are you in group 3? Cool, me too, I think we're supposed to say 'rhubarb rhubarb' - what's that about?"
Their conversation is interrupted when a lost toupee suddenly blows through the door and lands with a gentle "plop" on the living room floor. It's so windy outside, some poor bloke must have lost it on the harbour and...
Oh no wait, it's just host Osher Gunsberg.
"No I WASN'T in the Lego Movie. Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
"While you're all getting to know each other, I'm sure you'd rather be getting to know a certain bachelor - and I'm happy to report Blake feels the same," says Osher.
He's probably on the wrong show for that, then.
Sadly it seems that's not what Osher meant, as he is there to deliver Blake's first "date card" to the women.
Disappointingly this is not a card with a photocopy of Blake's bum on it, but an invitation for either a group or one-on-one date.
"I really don't want to go on a group date, I'm not good with big personalities, I withdraw," says Anita, because as demonstrated on last night's show, in Anita's world "withdraw" means "aggressively insert oneself into others' personal space while cackling like a mental patient".
Fortunately for all concerned it's not a group date; Blake has selected Miranda Kerr lookalike Jessica for a one-on-one.
And everyone is heaps happy for her.
Next thing you know Blake is pulling up to the Shag Mansion in an Aston Martin, so there's the budget for this episode gone. He's probably taking her back to his place for baked beans and a few hours of Foxtel.
"Old fashioned values are important to me, so I didn't want Jess to meet me anywhere - I wanted to pick her up," Blake says, as if this is real life and he's actually planned this whole thing himself.
Just a reminder, Blake, this is a TV show. You can tell, because in real life authorities don't look too kindly upon men keeping dozens of "girlfriends" locked up in their house.
"I didn't expect him to come and pick me up, it's so gallant!" gushes Jessica, who is also clearly unaware she is on television. Why wouldn't he pick you up, you moron? It's not like he's got anything else to do right now.
"He even organised for all these cameras to follow us around, he's so amazing!"
So off go Blake and Jess, who is 24 and wide-eyed and giggly and basically the human equivalent of those forest animals that followed Snow White around in that Disney film.
Which I guess makes Blake Snow White?
They zoom away in Blake's sports car, which is totally his and not rented even though it has Victorian number plates and he's from Western Australia.
Speaking of Western Australia, that seems to be where they're going on their date as despite leaving in the day time it's night when they arrive.
"Bloody hands-free GPS, I said 'check out my car rental', not 'drive to Fremantle'!"
"I wanted to build just that little bit more suspense for the great date I had planned," says Blake as he puts a blindfold on Jessica. Because driving around for hours on end just didn't create enough anticipation.
"My stomach has a thousand butterflies," gushes Jessica as the producers sigh in relief - that'll reduce dinner costs by at least half.
Blake shuffles Jessica inside and removes her blindfold to reveal his amazing surprise - a pair of PVC bondage suits with fully watertight funnel masks!
This is a medically accurate diagram of Jessica's head exploding.
No, sadly it's not that. Actually the big surprise is that Blake has defrosted his freezer and dumped the contents in the middle of a warehouse.
"Did you have fish in there? I reckon you should use it soon."
"It's beautiful!" gasps Jessica.
"I'm glad you like it," says Blake, as if he had anything to do with any of it.
"Not in my wildest dreams could I imagine anything so beautiful and fun!" gushes Jessica.
One of Jessica's wildest dreams.
Back at the Shag Mansion all the other women are talking about Blake and Jessica's date, which they have decided is taking place in a hot tub because of the message on the date card: "let me warm your heart".
Yeah, sure, that makes sense. Or maybe they're having dinner in a solar heating shop? Or drinking cocktails in an operating theatre while someone undergoes a heart transplant? So many alternatives.
Apparently Jessica has declared she doesn't kiss on first dates, which is awkward because within about 10 minutes of the one she's on she ends up like this:
"Lucky we choreographed that or I could have really hurt myself!"
"After we were done skating I had a little present on the side to give to Jess," Blake says, handing her a giant gift box.
"Oh yay, you got the one with the extra large funnel just like I wanted!"
No, sadly once again it isn't bondage gear, but a second hand wedding dress from Vinnie's lovingly draped with a dead cat:
Seriously, were all the gay producers off sick when they had to buy this dress?
(Bonus points for her being on fire.)
(Bonus points for her being on fire.)
They sit down to dinner in the middle of the ice rink, because that seems like a good place to put a table, and Jessica proposes a toast to "feeling vulnerable". This makes more sense when it becomes clear that at least one of them is slowly bleeding to death on the ice:
"Hey, have you seen 'The Shining'?"
Anyway dinner goes well, they hold hands, they smile at each other and no one dies, so Blake gives Jessica a rose and a pash (YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T KISS ON THE FIRST DATE YOU BIG LIAR) and we head back to Shag Mansion where the next crop of girls is getting ready to go out on a group date.
Well, I said "crop" but basically it's the entire house. I'm not kidding, there's 12 of them, most of whom I swear we've never seen before. Who the hell is Stacey-Louise? And Kara? Alana? Seriously, who is Alana? Here's hoping wherever Blake takes them he accidentally leaves a few behind, because I can't cope with all these names.
"I'm not surprised my name was called out for this date," says Bridgette-Rose, unlike everyone watching at home who is like "Who the fuck is Bridgette-Rose?"
So anyway they all bugger off to some picturesque farm where they're greeted by Wig in Human Form Osher Gunsberg, who tells them they're all going to be part of a wedding themed photo shoot for Woman's Day magazine. And because that's not creepy and weird enough, only four of the women will be dressed as brides; the rest will be their bridesmaids.
Diana The Princess is one of the chosen few, as is Stacey-Louise (nope, I swear I've never seen her before) and Alana (ditto). And, of course, Laurina.
She's got a good head on her shoulders. Actually it's about 20cm above her shoulders.
"When my name was read out no one really clapped or seemed overly joyed about it," Laurina snips.
"They probably predicted it in their mind, because I've done modelling before, they probably just assumed 'oh Laurina will get that'."
Yeah. That's probably it.
The women go off to get haired and makeupped, and everyone's having a gay old time except for Tiarna, who is annoyed the stylists have given her a youthful, tousled hairdo instead of keeping the "Kings Cross at 3am" look she usually has.
"GET YER FARGEN HANDS ORF ME AND FIX MOY HAIR!"
"JUST DO IT."
"What is this? I hate it. I really don't like my hair. I feel ugly," Tiarna whines.
Fortunately Tiarna's mother is on hand to help calm her down:
Oh no, wait. That's Tiarna, back in her normal clothes.
Meanwhile Laurina is winning even more friends by reminding everyone how she's a model. Wait, I thought she was a fashion entrepreneur? Is that what models are called now?
"Fashion entrepreneur", "model", "bullshit artist", you know, whatever.
"I think the girls do feel a bit intimidated by the fact that I'm a model - I'm used to it," Laurina says.
"I don't feel I need to prove myself to people anymore," she continues, before reiterating "did you get where I said I was a model? That's right, a model. I've done heaps of modelling before. Write that down."
"I'm a seasoned veteran at this, so I can take the lead," she tells Blake on set, as the other girls roll their eyes.
"Can you move back a bit? You're in my light."
We move on to Alana's shoot, which is supposed to be set at a wedding reception, but with all the extras standing around in bathrobes looks disturbingly like she's about to be inducted into some creepy sex cult.
"These are your new sister wives, my beloved."
"As far as I'm concerned it's just you and I here right now," Blake tells her, as all the other women cast as bridesmaids sigh loudly and wander off to the snack table.
Obviously Kara was boring as hell, because we immediately move on to Stacey-Louise's shoot which is, rather disturbingly, supposed to depict "the wedding night".
Let's hope for the sake of whoever runs Channel 10's complaints department that there are no bridesmaids in this shot.
"Ever since I saw it on Cinderella," she vomits.
"My wedding would have to have the horse and carriage, the big dress, the man standing at the altar looking like a prince, and Mickey Mouse marrying me. As the celebrant. At Disneyland."
Poor Diana. She's so fixated on Cinderella, she doesn't realise the Disney character she's most like is Dopey.
If you can help buy Diana a new brain, call 1800 HELP with your donation. Every little bit counts.
With the photo shoots done, everyone gets together for a drink and some light cross dressing:
Well, it's not for everyone.
Blake gives Alana a rose. That's nice for her, whoever she is.
Then it's back to Shag Mansion for yet another cocktail party (yes, I know, don't worry it's not much longer), where the conversation is scintillating as ever.
"I've been eating some chicken, I have been," says Laurina to no one in particular.
"Oh. Chicken," no one in particular says back.
"I don't think Laurina is here for love at all, and it's frustrating for the rest of us who are here for the right reasons," says 25-year-old financial assistant Sam, instantly winning the inaugural Bland Canyon First Person To Declare Someone Isn't In This For The Right Reasons Award. Congratulations, Sam!
This being the dullest cocktail party in history, finally someone gets bored enough to hit the panic button and The Human Toupee appears in a puff of smoke, signalling the start of the rose ceremony.
They keep him locked in a broom cupboard in between takes.
"After tonight the protection of the white rose comes to an end," Osher tells Holly, as if anyone still cares about that shit.
Blake starts handing out roses, and there are so many totally unrecognisable women coming forward to receive them it's like they're just walking in off the street. Who ARE all these people?
There's Bridgette-Rose (who's all like "I don't mind, I already HAVE a rose in my name, ha ha ha OH GOD I'M SO ALONE"), and Tiarna, who's already blaming her photo shoot hairdo and vowing to slash the stylist's car tyres, and... hang on... what's this? LAURINA? LAURINA IS GOING HOME?
Don't be stupid, of course she's not.
And so it's goodbye to Bridgette-Rose and Tiarna, we hardly knew you. Except Laurina, who apparently knew Tiarna so well she bursts into tears at the news she's leaving.
"I've lost my best friend in the house," she wails, which is news to all the other women who just assumed Laurina didn't have any friends and existed purely on oxygen and the occasional glass of chardy.
"But aren't you here for HIM?" asks Chantal, because god forbid anyone try to make friends with the 23 other women they're forced to live with for 10 weeks.
"Whatever. I don't even know the guy. I don't really care," Laurina spits, as Chantal looks on in disgust.
"He's dating 20 other women so it's not like I'm emotionally invested," she continues, which is absolutely correct and so I love her more than ever.
Behold, the face of disapproval.
Never mind, Chantal, I'm sure Blake really loves that keyring you made him. You hang in there, champ!
Now go on and READ EPISODE THREE in which more stuff happens and you know, I describe it. Hopefully Blake takes his shirt off again.
Or go back and READ EPISODE ONE again. Because it was awesome.