Monday, August 18, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 5

So it's Sunday night and I still haven't gotten around to recapping this week's episodes of The Bachelor because instead of staying home and watching TV I went out and did things involving alcohol and talking to other people and also there was some karaoke because of course there was.

So because it's three days late and a new episode will screen soon, I figured I'd do a different type of recap to get us all up to speed.


Just in case you've forgotten what this show is all about, Sam points out that all the women in the house are dating the same guy.

It's a painful realisation for her.



Sam gets the next single date.

Amber the Canadian looks like this.

I guess she ran out of maple syrup or something...?

Blake continues to demonstrate his mastery of all forms of transport by turning up in yet another vehicle, this time a vintage Ford, but Sam is more impressed by his totes bitchin' shellac:

Blake puts the "man" in "manicure".

Then in an effort to prove they do have a proper crew working on this show and not just one overworked producer with an iPhone and an Interflora budget, Channel 10 leaves in this shot where you can see their second cameraman:

Songs and epic poems will be written about this moment for centuries to come.

Blake takes Sam to a drive-in because she's "traditional" (more progressive girls prefer to watch movies on iPads or something, I guess) and they have a scintillating conversation that goes like this:
Blake: So do you like drive-ins? 
Sam: I love drive-ins. 

It's a bit like this.

They have dinner at the drive-in cafe, which is deserted apart from a single rollerskating waitress who I think we can all assume is not being paid enough for this shit, and both of them keep gasping about how great everything is. No one admits that eating hamburgers at a completely empty drive-in is actually completely creepy.

Seriously, it's like the two of them are actually starring in their own horror film.

Post apocalyptic themed dates are really hot right now.

Then they feed each other ice cream, because sharing a spoon seems to be a mandatory part of every date Blake goes on, and I pray for the flesh eating hordes to smash through the diner windows and devour them both.

Sadly what actually happens is they go back out to the car to watch the "movie", which turns out to be a crappy Powerpoint presentation of photos from Sam's Facebook page interspersed with video testimonials from her siblings about how great she is, and home movies from when she was six.

Yes, Blake has taken Sam to a deserted drive-in to watch videos of herself as a child. Just like a serial killer would do.

"Guess what the sequel's gonna be called?"

Somehow Sam finds this charming which is handy because then Blake gives her a rose, and a pash.

He gets a free one when he gets to 10.

Back at Shag Mansion the women have received the next group date card, which reads "show me the road map to your heart".

"We'll be driving!" exclaims Kat, who then mimes a steering wheel for those in the room who are still grappling with the concept.

"Road map... Driving... Maracas? Nup, don't get it."

She's right - it turns out their date is at a racetrack. Amber starts flipping out because someone mentions "horsepower", but no one understands her because it just sounds like "BACON MAPLE SYRUP BRYAN ADAMS."

Best to just ignore her.

Osher Gunsberg's toupee turns up, with him attached to the bottom of it.

They're going to have a really HAIR RAISING time. So it's lucky he used the extra strong glue today.

Then Blake roars into the shot in a V8 Supercar. At this rate the only modes of transportation left for him to utilise in later episodes will be pogostick and hot air balloon.

Obviously this date is going to be one high octane, breackneck thrill ride!

"Each of you will be completing a driver training course where you'll be navigating a vehicle through a series of technical obstacles," shouts Osher.


What this means is they're going to put on blindfolds and drive around some traffic cones slower than your nanna on valium while Blake directs them. Hands up who thinks this will make for great TV?

Consensus reached.

What follows is roughly 10 minutes of watching people drive very slowly around traffic cones, which is as exciting as it sounds, and then Chantel wins something.

I think it was the award for "Worst Shirt".

Blake takes Amber off for some "private time", which means eating cheese and drinking wine in a room together. And I guess talking about ice hockey and Ryan Gosling or whatever. She gets a rose and immediately goes back to the Shag Mansion and waves it in everyone's faces like the sweet and respectful person she is.


Finally it's cocktail party time, aka the weekly get together of the National Society of Conversation Interrupters. The members are in fine form, interrupting at least three conversations in the first 10 minutes.

"Sorry I'm a new member, is this how I'm supposed to do it..?'
"Don't stress, you're doing great!"

Not content to be known as the weirdo who serenaded Blake in the first episode, Katrina launches a bid to be known as the weirdo who serenaded Blake in the first episode and then drew a creepy portrait of him as an old man.

Because that is a thing that people do.

Apparently when Blake turns 60 he will instantly morph into an ex meth addict prison tattooist.

Blake is obviously super impressed with Kat's artistic abilities.

"Wow... That... is really... portraity."

"My biggest fear is for me to leave here and for Blake to not really know who I am," Kat says.

Don't worry Kat, I reckon he has a pretty good idea now.


Everyone gets a rose except for Lauren, better known as "the blonde one, no not that blonde one, the other one, no I mean the one with the oh look never mind she's gone now anyway".

She cries.

"I'm really going to miss that wardrobe allowance."

Amber cries too, and Sam has to recite the lyrics to "Summer of 69" three times through before she'll calm down.

"Does anyone know the bit after 'standin' on your mama's porch'..?"

Now go on and READ EPISODE SIX, or go back in time and READ EPISODE FOUR again.