Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 6

I know, I know, it's later than Joe Hockey's apology to the poor, but you can all stop whingeing now because here it is: THE EPISODE SIX EVEN SLIGHTLY LESS DETAILED THAN EPISODE FIVE PICTURE RECAP!

The episode begins in the sunroom of the Shag Mansion, where the women are doing some advanced mathematics.

"Is it half the number of women left? It's almost half?" says Zoe, trying to conquer the complex artithmetic that is 24 minus 11.

"After the next one, it will be less than half," says Laurina.

Zoe misses her calculator.

Then, because Osher Gunsberg apparently only turns up when he feels like it, Chantal reads out the new date card which proposes "an Oriental rendezvous - but in the end it will be one from two".

"Wait - one from two. That's like... three? We're gaining a girl?"
"You fucking moron."

Basically it's the dating equivalent of Thunderdome - two women enter, one woman leaves. Fighting to the death on this double date will be Zoe, the 25-year-old pharmacist and Katrina, the 26-year-old musician, which is great because I haven't been able to tell them apart since this series started and frankly it will be helpful to be rid of one of them.

Place your bets.

"There's only room for one curly haired girl, we've been saying that," says Laurina.

"You know... as a joke."

"Ha ha, such a funny joke,right? NOW PACK YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE."

Apparently Zoe and Kat hate each other, which is something all the other women seem to know but has never been brought up until this very moment, so it feels really natural and not at all shoehorned in for plot purposes.

But after the last episode, Kat reckons she has an advantage.

"I feel like Blake, after reading the letter I wrote for him and the picture I drew, will know exactly who I am," she says.

Yeah... Are you sure that's not the exact reason he's putting you in a dating deathmatch, mate?

They both bugger off to some Chinese garden where they're forced to put on cheongsams and sit opposite each other in a pagoda awkwardly drinking wine, and it all looks a little bit like something that was organised through Craigslist.

"So, that thing I mentioned in the ad... how much was it for that again?"

Because he's a massive wanker, Blake orders a bunch of crazy Chinese food no one wants to eat like century egg, chicken feet, sauteed sea cucumber and duck tongue, which is the culinary equivalent of getting your dick out at the table and going "HOW ABOUT THIS, GIRLS?"

"What the hell is this, 'Who Dares Wins'?"

Both women manage to eat the food without gagging, which I guess makes them "good chicks" or whatever it is in bro language.

"I was treating the date like I was on a date with a guy that I fancied," says Zoe, which is a handy insight into how she feels about Blake.

Lucky for her it seems Blake is doing the same thing, rather to the exclusion of Kat, who finds herself sitting silent at the end of the table doing an impression of someone with an ear infection.

"Just keep smiling, just keep smiling..."

In an effort to take charge of the conversation Kat morphs into Jana Wendt and starts grilling Blake about his upbringing, because as we all know the way to a man's heart is through relentless personal questioning.

Blake says he doesn't have a relationship with his father, and tells what feels like a fairly painful story about the Christmas his dad promised to buy him a bike but never delivered.

"Mum had to go out and work some extra hours in order to be able to afford it because she didn't want to let me down," he says.

Unfortunately, Kat appears to not be listening, and so reacts like he's just told her that he loves sunny weather.

"Oh yeah, I love Christmas too! We have so much in common."

Assuming her ear infection has gotten worse, Blake takes Kat away for a private chat so she can hear him better.

"Last cocktail party Kat gave me a private letter that revealed some deeply personal things about herself," Blake explains to camera.

They don't let the women have pens in the house, so she had to use crayon.

"I read your letter, it gave me some great insight into who you are," Blake tells Kat.


Zoe gets a rose, a diamond bracelet from whatever shopping centre jeweller is sponsoring the show this year and a pash.

Which means I get to do this.

Meanwhile back at Shag Mansion the latest group date card has arrived. It reads "temperatures are rising so let's cool off", which prompts all the women to spontaneously explode while shrieking things like "BATHERS!", "BEACH!" and "SNOW!".


Then a toupee that Blake has been trying out accidentally blows off his head and... oh no wait. 

It's just Osher.

Osher explains that while the last group dates have all been really complex and difficult - like sitting on a mechanical bull and driving blindfolded - today's is going to be soooo much easier, because all they have to do is frolic in bikinis.

He somehow makes it sound like Blake is doing THEM a favour with this.

"There is only one thing left to do, and that is GET THIS PARTY STARTED!" shouts Osher, and for just a second you can really see that look in his eyes that says "when did my career go wrong?".

"It's really cool that Blake wanted to have a pool party for us today, I guess he just wanted to relax and have a fun time!" bubbles Sam.

Yeah, that's probably it.

"The pool party is a great opportunity me to get to know the girls in a relaxed environment," says Blake, because lord knows that mansion they're all living in is just so stressful, what with all those cocktail parties every week.

It's also apparently an opportunity for him to get to know the girls while reclining in disconcertingly large inflatable waterfowl.

"But how do you get down off it?"

"I've done a lot of travelling like, pretty much every year I go somewhere so like, I have done heaps of travelling like, I've gone through all of Europe but, yeah, I've done heaps of travelling, I wanna do so much travelling because I love it, like I've been travelling to a lot of places," says Diana, proving what a conversationalist she can be.

I think she's trying to tell us something. Maybe little Timmy is stuck down a well?

Meanwhile, this is what Diana sounds like to me every time she talks:

Except Diana's voice is a bit more annoying.

And this is what Louise wears to a pool party:

"What, you DON'T wear vintage jewellery in the pool? Well you're the weird one."

With all the dates over it's time for the Shag Mansion cocktail party, aka the weekly session of standing around in sequins, giggling and occasionally saying "can I steal you away?".

Blake takes Kara away for a private chat, and because this is the first time he's bothered to spend any time with her since this series started we can probably guarantee she'll be going home later. Bye, Kara.

Also, you know how Diana likes Disney so much?

Just saying.

Anita the dog groomer decides she's been hiding her crazy for too long so starts reading out her Oasis Active profile to Blake.

"You live in Perth, and I'm happy with Perth - that's fine, I'm open to that. You wants kids in the next four or five years - that's cool with me. You're really healthy and fit and so am I," she says, ticking the items off her list.

Meanwhile, Blake is checking off his own list, titled "Reasons to dump someone".

Finally IT'S ROSE TIME, and everyone is nervous - especially Laurina, who is so focused she doesn't even notice her dress is trying to strangle her.

"Just one... more... inch..."

In the end it comes down to three: Alana, otherwise known as The One Who Definitely Doesn't Win, Diana, otherwise known as The One Who Has Travelled Heaps and Done Heaps of Travelling while She Travelled, and Anita, otherwise known as The Crazy Psycho Dog Groomer Who Started Off Being Really Funny But Then Just Got A Bit Disturbing.

Blake gives Alana the final rose, because he didn't read the gossip news that day, and Anita and Diana are sent packing.

So to recap, in a single episode Blake dismissed:
a) the girl who drew a portrait of him as an old man
b) the girl who came close to literally hunting him and
c) the girl who thinks Mickey Mouse is a marriage celebrant
Is there any point continuing to watch this show?

Well, next week this happens:

So that's a yes.

Now go on and READ EPISODE SEVEN or go back in time and READ EPISODE FIVE again.


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