Saturday, August 23, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 7

We join our bachelorettes once again in the sun room of Shag Mansion, aka the only room we ever actually get to see apart from the rose ceremony hall of doom. Maybe it IS the only other room in the house, and they all sleep standing up against the walls?

Impressed by her numeracy skills in last week's episode, the women have all signed up for Laurina's class in advanced mathematics where she is teaching them about percentages.

"Louise, Kara, Alana and myself still haven't had a single date with him, so there's a 25 per cent chance that my name is on that card," she instructs.

"Sure, if you discount the nine other people in the room who bring that percentage down to 10. Moron."


As it turns out Laurina does score the date, which comes with the cryptic clue "Are you falling for me?". So I guess they're probably going to walk blindfolded through Coober Pedy or something.

"Bungee jumping?" someone suggests.

"That would be incredible! I'm an adrenaline junkie!" gasps Laurina, fooling absolutely nobody.

"Adrenalin's that stuff you inject in your forehead to stop it moving, right?"

"Maybe you're just gonna row a boat up a waterfall," says Sam, who should probably lay off the turps.

Fast forward and we're in a limo with Laurina, on her way to the date.

"I've got butterflies in my stomach," she declares, although  it's not clear whether that's because she's excited to see Blake or because she really is a lizard.

Remember how in episode five I said the only modes of transport Blake hadn't used yet were pogo stick and hot air balloon?

I missed one.

SHOCK! GASP! SURPRISE! They're going skydiving! I NEVER SAW THAT COMING.

Oh wait, yes I did. Last week.

As it turns out Laurina really is an adrenalin junkie - at least compared to Blake, who starts freaking out mid flight and has to be comforted by her.

"Hush little baby don't you cry, mama's gonna throw you out into the sky..."

After she's finished rubbing his tummy and telling him a story, he's ready to go. At least, his dive partner is - he jumps out the plane while Blake is still asking for a glass of warm milk.


"BUT I WASN'T READYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyy........"

Meanwhile Laurina is having what looks like a spiritual experience, not for the first time while strapped to a bloke in a harness.

"Hey who was that guy?"
"WHO CARES I CAN TASTE COLOURS WOOOO!"

After pelting donwards through the rain they finally land, sweaty, out of breath and quite wet. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere, but I just can't think what it is.

"Oooh maybe they're doing a trapeze class," says Kara back at Shag Mansion, and it becomes clear the other women have spent the last five hours trying to work out what activity might involve "falling".

Suddenly a tumbleweed rolls in from the garden and starts talking. Jess screams and goes to stamp on it but Chantal grabs her and shrieks "DON'T TOUCH IT, IT'S NOT OF THIS WORLD!"

Then they all realise it's just Osher Gunsberg.

"Blake is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that children will play a very large role in his life," Osher says, which is a weird way to announce yourself to a room, but hey.

Meanwhile: not everyone shares Blake's feelings on this topic.

Osher announces that in order to weed out the wilfully barren from the breeders Blake has decided to take the women on a group date to a preschool, because only when faced with a room full of strangers' snotty-nosed children will he be able to see who is capable of germinating his seed and carrying it to full term.

That's totally not weird at all.

"I love kids, I'm the most clucky person ever!" gushes Kara, despite having just pulled that face above.

"I LOVE kids and kids love me!" shrieks Amber, eager to outdo her.

"I LOVE KIDS AND THIS IS MY DREAM DATE!" gasps Alana.

Artist's representation of this conversation.

"Probably not the most romantic date," Alana concludes.

Nah. You think?

Meanwhile, back at the airfield Blake and Laurina have finally managed to pull their harnesses out of their crotches and have headed back to "The Bachelor Pad", aka some luxury house they're pretending Blake is living in instead of where they've actually put him, the Sydney Airport Travelodge.

"The house is beautiful, really, really beautiful," says Laurina.

Actually, I think she means "flammable" - there is a metric fuckton of candles blazing all over the place.

And you thought the Shag Mansion was a fire risk.

Laurina opens her Little Big Book of Hackneyed Phrases to Impress Your Date (published 1957) and reads "Do you mind if I freshen up a little?" before skipping off to the bathroom to put on a fresh latex mask.

Blake stays in the kitchen and makes an "expresso martini". I know now we can never be together.

"But I made it quickly!"

Laurina returns from the bathroom with only the faintest smell of glue, proving she really is a master of her craft, and Blake starts wooing her. That is to say, he sits on the opposite end of the sofa clutching his cocktail for dear life and trying to avoid an awkward silence.

"You told me at one of the cocktail parties you were looking for someone with a sparkling mind, a wild spirit and a tame heart - where did you get that from?" he asks.

"Oh, you know... around..."

"I want someone that loves themselves enough that they can love another person wholly," she says.

"Like me. I love myself HEAPS."

"I recognise that, and I want to say thank you for that," says Blake. They both sign on the dotted line, he hands her a rose and they shake hands. Their annual general meeting has now concluded.

Oh and then they suck face which means I get to do this:

One for each finger!

Actually they pash about five thousand times so let's just call it an even 10.

He's THIS close to getting a free sub!

Back at the Shag Mansion, all the women are fulfilling their sartorial duties to Sportsgirl by sitting around in casual separates in what Amber refers to as "the red room".

Given the walls appear to be green, I'm not sure if that's what everyone actually calls this room or if Amber is just dropping hints that this might happen later:

"HEEEEEEERE'S AMBER! GIVE ME A DEET!"

Meanwhile, not content to rest on the laurels of episode five's Worst Shirt Award win, Chantal has one-upped herself by showing up dressed as an extra from "C'Mon Kids".

"Seriously guys, if we all just ignore her maybe she'll dress normally."

Suddenly in walks Laurina sporting a rose, her latex mask covered in pash rash.

Full of adrenalin from avoiding being singed all night at the Bachelor Pad, she seizes the moment and launches into a spontaneous preview of her new off-Broadway one-woman show: "Madame Lash: The Laurina Story".

This might well be the best GIF I have ever made.

"As soon as I got off the plane it was like a WHIP, LASHING MY FACE," Laurina shrieks, tears streaming down her face.

"It was like 'The Passions of the Christ', like a whip lashing every part of your face, stings like a hair removal laser, like, TRAUMA!"

I apologise. THIS is the best GIF I have ever made.

"When we landed Blake was really good and supportive and he cuddled me, he was really, really good," she weeps, remembering the terrible trauma of the skydive.

Just a reminder.

So electric is Laurina's tale of woe, Kara's hair starts standing on end:

Actually her hands are on a Van de Graaff generator out of shot.

Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines... and it's the next day, and time for the group date which, as you will remember, is at a kindergarten. Because what better place is there to get to know another adult than in a room full of screaming children demanding your attention at all times?

Well at least he's used to that.

"We've got a tea party there, we can do some tree planting out there, we've got some mudcakes and face painting out the back," announces Blake, who I guess is compiling a list of all the worst things to do on a date.

All the women launch themselves into the children, picking them up and ruffling their hair and coo-cooing at them like they're at a petting zoo. Did the producers hire these kids or do they actually have parents somewhere who are happy to loan them out as TV props?

And thus begins the I'm More Maternal Than You Olympics, with everyone vying for the gold medal.

It's a tie.

Except for Alana, who's like "kids WTF?" and spends the whole time slinking around watching everyone else.

SHE'S ALWAYS WATCHING.

"How have you been going with them all today?" Blake asks her.

"Yeah. Pretty good. Been doing some painting with... glitter... and we stuck the, um... patty pan things on there..." says Alana, barely disguising her boredom.

"Do you know where the bar is?"

Because this date isn't crap enough already, Blake then makes them all get up and act out a play for the children. Fortunately he chooses Sam, the most literate and creative of the bunch, to create the story as they go along.

"Once upon a time there was a family of trolls, and they were so... not very nice... and great," says Sam.

Great start, Sam.

What follows is a garbled plot about trolls and princesses and queens and magic potions - it's so wonderful, everyone in the audience is having the time of their lives:

Just look at their enthralled faces!

Anyway enough of all this child-related fun (jeez, I hope no one Googles that phrase to find this blog) because IT'S COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Absolutely nothing happens, except for an extended discussion about whether Zoe's book is open or closed (conclusion: it's closed, but it's still a better story than the one Sam told at kindy), and Sam saying something about "a massive tick", so I hope she gets that  removed.

Then one of the producers yells out for everyone wearing a dress made out of a bedspread, shower curtain or car seat upholstery to take a step to their left, and this happens:

Alana's was made out of two seatbelts and a bathmat.

So it's goodbye to Alana, the non-maternal 26-year-old. IF ONLY SHE'D ACCEPTED HER FATE AS A BIRTH MACHINE AND PAINTED HER GOD DAMN FACE SHE COULD HAVE STAYED FOR MORE CHAMPAGNE. Oh well.

Now go on and READ EPISODE EIGHT, in which... oh for fuc... Sigh. In which a whole heap of new women arrive to date Blake, apparently.

WILL THIS SHIT NEVER END?

Or why not delay the pain, and go back in time to READ EPISODE SIX again?



4 comments :

  1. best recap so far!!! i howled laughing!!! thank you so much for these!!!

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  2. What a laugh! A great start to the day. Fabulous recap - keep it up!

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  3. I think I love reading your recaps more than the show.............Infact you should have your own spot on just after the show airs :) Classic ! Love your insights and sense of fun .

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