Having finally exhausted Adelaide's Tinder population, our daters have this week moved on to dating in the real world. Or at least, dating in 2003. Speed dating, to be exact.
For all the Millennials too young to remember, "speed dating" was a very popular pastime in the early 2000s, back when text messages were still called SMSes and internet dating was only for serial killers. You'd sit down at a table with another single to chat for just a few minutes, then a bell would ring and you'd get up and move on to the next person.
The "speediness" of it was supposed to encourage light, bright and fun conversation and ensure everyone kept mingling. But then we all learned it was actually much speedier to date someone over the internet and send them sexts and never have to actually meet them at all, and so the practice sort of died out.
Except in Adelaide, apparently, where Australia's premier Monique Bowley impersonator has apparently set up shop as a speed dating events host:
Well, she had to find SOME sort of work after Monz got kicked off The Great Australian Bakeoff.
Anna, John and Burgo are in attendance, which means some are forced to speed date each other.
Over on one table Anna is telling Burgo about a recent date where she went to see a drag show.
"Is it weird if a guy takes you to a drag show, though?" asks Burgo.
Er, I dunno... I reckon some chicks would dig it...
Bonique Mowley rings her bell for everyone to move on, and tells the singles they should start the next conversation by answering the question "what three things are always in your fridge?".
"Last night's pizza, half a packet of Berocca and a spare pair of underpants."
As someone who thinks opting for Diet Coke with one's Maccers meal is being culinarily adventurous, Burgo is shocked when his date tells him she has blue cheese in her fridge.
"That's disgusting," he tells her, which is always a good way to impress a girl.
Then he mentions he doesn't drink coffee, and it's clear the date is over.
"Yeah, I'm not gonna need the other six and a half minutes here..."
Unfortunately union rules stipulate each couple must complete their full seven minutes, which is a pity for both of them as it seems Burgo has lost the ability to speak English.
"So how do you play? How do you have fun time?" he asks, like a Japanese exchange student reading from a pirated English phrasebook.
"I'm a foodie," she says, which is great because Burgo is too, as long as the food doesn't involve olives, or seafood, or pineapple, or mushroom, or blue cheese, and is Hungry Jack's.
Clearly at some point Burgo has pointed out that he is a radio DJ, to which she has obviously responded "why the fuck should I care?" or something along those lines, because then this happens:
"What you lack for your love of blue cheese and not listening to radio you make up for in looks," says Burgo, which is barely English but I think is supposed to be some sort of compliment.
"The feminist in me kind of doesn't agree with that, but sure, I'll let that one slip," she says.
"Ha ha, I will never sleep with you!"
"Ha ha! Why are we laughing again?"
After running several rings around him, lighting them on fire and doing a celebratory ring-running dance to Beyonce's "Run the World (Girls)", blonde girl gets up to meet her next date, leaving Burgo in a state of catatonic shock.
"I'm in love," he tells the event host.
"Look at her! She's only a year younger than me, she's got a good job, she studies," Burgo gushes, as if anything he said after "look at her" was important.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room:
"I'm not sure if he even spoke English."
With Burgo panting in her wake, blonde girl moves on to seven minutes with John, in which she tells him she's studying to be a criminologist.
"Is that like the whole CSI kind of fiasco?" he asks.
"No," she says.
Meanwhile, over on another table Anna is playing "two truths and a lie", a game where you tell two truths about yourself and one lie, and your partner has to spot the lie.
"OK, my name is Anna, I'm wearing red and I'm really having fun. Spot the lie."
"I like to wear two left shoes, my house burned down and I lived in a temple in the middle of the rainforest," she says which, considering she told us in episode one she grew up in a travelling circus and wore banana leaves as clothes, is fairly tame.
"I'm going to go with your house burning down," says the bloke.
"I DON'T WEAR TWO LEFT SHOES!" she says, as though the lie were totally obvious.
Back over on John's table his date has just told him she has a nine-year-old son.
"Oh cool! Hey have I told you about my debilitating fear of commitment?"
Finally Bonique Mowley rings the final bell and it's all over. Burgo doesn't notice, he's too busy scratching "BURGO 4 BLONDE GIRL 4 EVA" into the top of the bar.
"If Burgo asked me out I might say yes," says blonde girl.
"He was the tall, fit plumber guy, right?"
Join me next week when Sooz, Anna and Courteney (yes, really) get their hair done for some reason, and... probably some other stuff happens too. Well, possibly. I can't guarantee it.
Or go back in time and READ EPISODE NINE again.