Thursday, August 28, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 15: The Melbourne Date War Part I

Having already gone through all of Adelaide's single male population, both gay and straight, Courteney and Johnny decide to drive to Melbourne for a massive interstate shag fest holiday.

Well, I say "holiday", but actually they're going over to stage a competition to see who can score the most blokes over state lines. 

First step is setting up their Tinder profiles, because that's apparently the only way singles meet each other these days. 

Frankly, meeting people through an app would actually seem to make the whole concept of travel redundant. Why not just SAY you're in Melbourne, and see how many blokes you pick up? That way you can stay at home on the couch eating pizza and you don't even have to talk to anyone, much less make yourself look nice.

I know at least one person who agrees with me on this.

Johnny figures the best way to pick up blokes is to tell everyone he's a TV star. Well, why not? It works for Josh Thomas.

Hint: if you have to specify what channel your show is on, you're not a star.
Also: try spelling "weekend" properly, it might help.
Also: I really hope he finished that last sentence with the word "redhead".

"You can't write 'I'm going to give away a free blow job on every date'," he tells Courteney, mainly because he didn't think of it first.

Courteney writes something about being on The Daters too, but then remembers she's barely ever on the show so deletes it, and they both get in the car and head for Victoria.

"I'm gonna get 12, it's gonna happen," says Courteney, and I assume she's talking about dates.

"I'm going to aim for six - anything past that is just like, extra work," says Johnny.

Thanks to the magic of television they're at the border just seconds later, where they sensibly decide to stand on the side of the freeway in the hail to tell us they haven't found any boys to date yet.

Not a metre over the border and Victoria's already giving them the cold shoulder, literally.

"It's a bit scary because I don't know what the guys are going to be like here, and I don't know what they're going to expect from a girl," Courteney says, as though Melbourne were some mystical far away land populated by weirdoes who are totally different from regular Australians.


Despite this, after 12 hours in Victoria's capital Courteney is winning the competition with three dates booked.

Johnny remains at zero.

Johnny is beginning to rethink his "I'm on the ABC" strategy.

By 2pm he still hasn't hooked a bloke. Then he gets caught in a hailstorm. So basically Johnny is having the best time ever.

Meanwhile, this is the most accurate ad Victorian Tourism's ever done.

Fortunately for Johnny, alcohol exists. So he heads to a gay bar and drinks what looks to be quite a lot of it, given that this is what happens next:


Fast forward five hours to morning and Courteney gets a text message - her 10.30am date has cancelled on her. What a surprise that a date scheduled for 10.30am on a Sunday morning fell through. Where the hell was she planning on taking them, church?

Johnny, meanwhile, may actually be dead.

Ladies and gentlemen: the world's first full body wine transfusion recipient.

After last night's alcohol-fuelled festivities the date tally stands at three all - but will Johnny survive the day to even go on them?

Given this was in the preview of the next episode, I'd assume no.

Now READ EPISODE 16, in which we get to see whether Johnny ends up with a Berocca dependency, and who actually wins the date competition. (Hint: It's probably Courteney.)

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 14.


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