Wednesday, August 06, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 9: The Boys, One Month On

This week's episode opens with resident gay Johnny lamenting his singledom, which is a nice change given that most people on this show are constantly blathering on about how they're "not looking for a relationship".

Here's a tip guys: it's called "The Daters". Maybe you should like, I dunno, be into the idea of dating.


"I'm not single by choice. I don't want to be single," says Johnny, who is sitting on his bedroom floor in a flannelette shirt and looks to be one Tim Tam away from singing Celine Dion's "All By Myself" into an empty wine bottle.

"In my friendship groups they're three, four, five, seven years older than me and they're single, and they've been actually focusing on dating and it's like, well, FUCK. What if I've got seven years of this?"

"What if they don't even HAVE Tinder then?"

One month in to this dating experiment, it's clear things are not panning out the way Johnny had hoped.

"Before I was involved (in this show) I was happy because I thought 'I'm single because I want to be'," he says.

"I thought 'yeah, I'll be on a dating show and I'll find someone and live happily ever after'. But it's not happening."

"Coming up next week on The Daters..."

"Dating can be work," he continues, sighing heavily.

"Like, finding the person, communicating with the person, deciding to go on the date. There's HOURS in that."

He's right, which is why the government is considering adding "dating" as an authorised work category under Tony Abbott's work for the dole scheme.

"I'm sorry ma'am, you have to go on 40 dates per week to qualify for the dole. Come back when you're a slut."

Depressed, Johnny has a debrief with fellow daters Burgo and John, who proves he's down with the LGBT community by asking him if he's been "grinding".

How John pictures gay clubs.

"I've been trying, I'm just like 'dud', 'dud', 'dud', 'next'," Johnny says.

"I don't want to be chucked and fucked on reality television. No wait... fucked and chucked."

The order of chucking and/or fucking decided upon, the lads retire to the library to write romantic poetry and ponder the innate beauty of a single flower petal.

Not really, they do this:

The final episode of The Daters will just be a 10 minute montage of all the times the cast has drunk shots throughout the series. It will have to be edited for length.

Johnny shouldn't be too worried though; it's not like Burgo's done much better in the last month - he's still reminiscing about his failed date with Lil in episode three.

"There was SO much sexual innuendo flying around," Burgo recalls, because Burgo's definition of "sexual innuendo" is "talking about a hot dog restaurant".

"There was 'hot dogs', there was 'burgers'. If only those came to life."

CONSIDER YOUR DREAM NOW A REALITY, MY FRIEND.

But enough of these two losers; we all know the only bloke so far on this show to have actually gotten somewhere with this whole dating thing is John, who met the girl of his dreams in episode seven but refuses to admit it.

"I'm confused," says Burgo.

"We saw when you said 'she's making me feel like a teenage boy again' ... but the next day it was back to the old John of 'I don't want a relationship'. What happened there?"

"I dunno. As much as she was making me feel all those things, and as much as I could have seen myself having a relationship with her, it's just not the right time, I suppose," says John.

HANG ON. WAIT. WHAT?

After all of that build up, all of that mooning about, AN ENTIRE EPISODE (yes it's only 10 minutes but still, it's the principle) DEDICATED TO THIS CHICK and how John might finally be falling in love and blah blah blah - she's just... gone?

My feelings exactly.

Turns out this bird wasn't actually into the idea of a relationship, or perhaps she wasn't into John. Whatever it was, it's over now, and the producers have already ripped down the sheet of butcher's paper titled "JOHN'S STORY ARC" from the wall so let's never mention it again.

So. Er. What's the best way to move on seamlessly from this awkward moment?

I know!

Let's go meet the guy who wrote The Daters' theme song!

DJ Paces wrote the song in which that woman stubs her toe and shrieks about ruining muffins in the dark that begins each episode of The Daters.

For some reason, this leads John to believe he is some sort of dating oracle, and he begins firing off questions about his relationship like he's on the Maury show.

"Are you married? How long after you were first together did you move in together? Could you see yourself staying with this woman for the rest of your life? Did you just hit it off? Did you connect straight away or did it take time to grow into it?" he asks.

"I dunno dude, I'm just a DJ."

Time for a pithy summary of the past month: Burgo says it's opened him right up, John says he has no regrets and Johnny says it's made him think about his future.

"You've got just a guide as to where you'd like to see yourself in five, 10 years. That could be on a farm with a kid," he says.

Artist's impression of Johnny's farm, with a kid.

Now read EPISODE TEN in which everybody takes a trip back to 2003 and goes speed dating. Or go back in time yourself and READ EPISODE EIGHT again.



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