Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episodes 12-14

Sooo... you may have noticed I haven't done a Bachelor recap in a while. The real (boring) reason is that I got swamped with actual real grown-up people work that pays me money and I didn't have the time. But let's go with the pretend reason instead, which is much more interesting:

I WAS KIDNAPPED BY ROBO-ALIENS FROM LAURINA'S MOTHERSHIP AND HELD CAPTIVE UNTIL I PROMISED TO HELP THEM RID THE UNIVERSE OF DIRTY STREET PIES.

"THIS. IS. NOT REALLY. ACCEPTABLE."


I eventually managed to escape by throwing non-designer shoes at them and making them all a cappucino with full fat milk (their kryptonite, basically) so now I'm back, and ready to recap... holy crap, THREE EPISODES? How many god damn episodes of this show are there, anyway?

Right. Three episodes of Chantal whingeing and Laurina pouting and Blake haw haw haw-ing is clearly too much for anyone to have to handle at once (and is possibly an illegal dose), so here's what we're going to do:

Welcome to the inaugural Bland Canyon Bachelor Australia MEGA GIF RECAP! Three episodes in one, all done in pictures. Let's go.

EPISODE 12

Osher Gunsberg shows up at the Shag Mansion with two envelopes, which are later revealed to contain copious amounts of ecstasy.

"Oh my goddddd though, have you ever REALLY felt your hair?"

No, actually the envelopes don't contain any drugs of any sort (please don't sue me), but two date cards. SURPRISE.

Jess gets the single date. Laurina's all like "whatever", and totally keeps her cool about it.

"No, I'm not on medication - why do you ask?"

The other girls go off on their group date, which has the totally indecipherable cryptic clue: "do we harbour feelings for each other"...

GEE I WONDER WHAT THAT COULD MEAN.

Next thing you know they're all on a boat on the harbour having fun when some peanut in a pork pie hat wanders in and ruins their party.

Ed Harry paid thousands for this bit of product placement.

They drink cocktails, they have an awkward dance to (probably) no music on the deck. Then someone says "Hopefully Blake will walk up here with no shirt on".


"That was the first time I'd seen Blake without his shirt on," says Rachel, immediately losing her title as the only person in the world not to have seen Blake topless.

Meanwhile Chantal is like "Why is Blake's chest getting all the attention?"

Chantal brought her own flotation devices on board.

They drink more champagne, Blake haw-haw-haws a bit more and then he and Rachel decide to enter the 2014 Conversationalists of the Year Award with this as their joint entry:

Rachel: "So do you like boats? Water?"

Blake: "Yeah. Definitely. Definitely."

Rachel: "This is a beautiful boat."

Blake: "Incredible."

They're a shoo-in.

"You need to warm her up for her to completely open herself up to you," says Chantal, although it's unclear if she's talking about Rachel or just reading the instructions on the side of a Real Doll box.

Meanwhile, in the corner, Sam is spontaneously combusting.

"YOU'RE BRILLIANT AND YOU'RE PERFECT AND YOU'RE FUNNY AND YOU'RE SO GORGEOUS!" she shrieks at Blake.

He accepts the compliments in the usual way:

"...but what if I COULD outswim a shark...?"

Back at the Shag Mansion, Laurina has downloaded the latest version of her software and has spent the last four hours carefully filming all of Jess's mannerisms using her laser retina scanners in order to create a lifelike hologram to fool Blake on his next date.

This impression of Jess is even more accurate than Jess's impression of Jess.
Also: I don't think I could possibly love Laurina any more. #TeamDirtyStreetPie

Sadly her drivers fail at the last minute and she has to reboot, leaving Jess to trip off to the waiting limousine, dripping in sequins and furs.

"Good morning!" Jess trills to the chauffeur.

Why, what do you usually wear in the morning?

Jess meets Blake at a train station that some producer probably described in the production notes as "Gatsby-esque".

"Hee hee hee hee hee," says Jess.

"Haw haw haw haw haw," says Blake.

They are a perfect match.

They get on a train and start drinking tea.

"This date's already taken my breath away!" gasps Jess, who is either more excited by public transport than anyone thought, or is just choking on the engine fumes.

Speaking of fumes, I think the carbon monoxide might be getting to them.

Or someone slipped something in their tea.

They pash.

Gross.

Then Blake takes her to a national park where she marvels at the "flora and fauna" (it's OK Jess, you can just say "trees and animals"), and rows her out into the middle of a lake where he tries his hardest not to be creepy, but fails.

And we all thought he was joking when he said all he wanted was "a little head"...

"Hee hee hee hee," says Jess.

"Haw haw haw haw," says Blake.

Then he asks her if she believes in love at first sight, and it's so unbelievably naff that for once I'm happy when he pashes her again.

At least this is better than having to hear them talk about stuff.

Then he gives her a rose and pashes her twice more and CHRIST THIS IS BORING. No wonder they're both continually falling asleep.

Yeah yeah.

Moving on to the cocktail party, about which the only interesting thing one can say is that everyone is in raptures over Louise's radical new look (ie: forgetting to put on red lipstick).

GOODBYE, PERSONAL BRAND.

Blake haw haw haws a bit more and hands out roses to everyone except Zoe the one who looks like that chick who played the guitar but got kicked off, Rachel the one who looks like that netballer chick who got kicked off and Mary the robot vampire who is the best but hasn't got a hope because Blake is boring as hell.

Predictably, Blake gives the last rose to Zoe because she's been there the longest and he fears change. And robot vampires.

BYE MARY. :(

EPISODE 13

A producer walks past the living room eating a doughnut and casually chucks an envelope onto the floor, displaying even less effort than Osher usually puts in each week. Jess picks it up.

When you turn it over, it becomes a literal "date card".

Lisa gets the date, which comes with the cryptic clue "You get my heart racing". So I dunno - they're going to the races? WILD GUESS.

Everyone is genuinely happy for her in a totally patronising way, because Lisa is in no way a threat to anyone on this show despite what the editors are trying to make us think.

"AW THE RACES THAT'D BE THE BEST THING OI LARVE THE RACES FUCKEN BONZER YEAH!" shouts a brickie's labourer that's just wandered past the window. Oh no wait, that was Lisa.

Lisa and Blake go to the races at Royal Randwick.

Sadly she misheard the bit about "stomping the divots" as "come dressed as Devo", and so has shown up with a flowerpot on her head.

She's embarrassed, but at least the whip she brought won't look so out of place.

"Ha ha ha!" says Lisa.

"Haw haw haw!" says Blake.

"We've got the racetrack to ourselves today," announces Blake, which is excellent because every time I've gone to the races I know I've thought it would have been so much more fun without any other people or horses.

Two horses race around the track just for them, Lisa's horse wins and she goes full Eliza Doolittle.

This will no doubt drive Blake wild with desire.

"I can picture a future with Lisa and that excites me," says Blake, squinting as he reads from the autocue.

Although it has to be said they seem to be having fun. Fortunately, Lisa quickly puts a stop to that.

"As much as we were having fun it was time to chat about careers and our upbringings," she says.

"Ooh ooh ooh - can we talk about kids too?"

Then he gives her the most awkward massage of all time (don't ask) and she tells him she might be falling in love with him. Well, actually she says "GEEZ, I RECKON I COULD FULLY SEE MOYSELF FAWLING IN LARV WITH YOUSE," but you get the idea.

Blake gives her a rose and pashes her so he doesn't have to hear her hideous voice again.

I think he should aim for triple digits.

Back at Shag Mansion Chantal reads out the next group date card, which comes with the message: "Are you a believer."

"A magic show!" squeals Sam.

"Something to do with fairy tales!" says Jess.

Personally, I'm hoping this will be the date where Blake reveals to everyone he's actually a Mormon, and he'd like to marry all of them together.

But first: DRAMA AT SHAG MANSION. Laurina has been rushed off to hospital with severe stomach pains.

I think we can safely blame the dirty street pie.

No one seems to give much of a toss however, so we move on to the group date which this week turns out to be on a "haunted island". Or something. I dunno, who cares.

"Usually with these dates I try to have everything planned out down to a tee, but tonight I'm going to have to leave things in the hands of others and I don't know what's going to happen," says Blake, as everyone watching who has ever heard the word "producer" goes "HA HA HA NICE TRY."

They meet some psychic who takes them through a seance in the middle of a fire hazard:

"The spirits are talking... they're saying 'why don't you just turn on the bloody lights, you morons'..."

"I'm a psychic medium, a clairvoyant, so I see the past, present and future," says the psychic.

YEAH WELL I CAN SEE THE PRESENT TOO, AND IT'S FUCKING BORING.

Then they take a candlelit walk to an old morgue. No one is scared; they're all used to being dead bored around Blake most of the time anyway.

Oh look, Laurina made it after all!

Zoe attempts to latch onto Blake by blowing out her lantern. Sadly for her, Blake could give less of a shit, so she's forced to stumble through the dark alone. It is the first time anyone on this show has been further than 30cm from a lit candle.

Blake takes Lauren away for a chat. After spending all of their last date together grilling her about why she's never had a boyfriend before, he tries something different.

"I still don't know why you've never had a long relationship," he asks.

"You know what - NOPE."

Then Blake takes Jess away for a good slow blinking session. Everyone feels threatened, because they don't have any Stilnox themselves.

Meanwhile: everyone has forgotten about Laurina, who may or may not be dying in hospital. Oh well.

Cocktail party time!

Chantal reaches for her Little Big Book of 101 Ways to Ensure The Bachelor Will Never Choose You Ever, turns to chapter six titled "Bitch About Another Girl He Likes", and starts bitching about Jess.

"After yesterday's date the other girls felt, yet again, like they were on a single date between yourself and Jess," she says, which is amazing because she wasn't even on the date. Is Chantal a psychic medium?

"Jess takes initiative," Blake retorts.

"Also I like Jess better than everyone else, so..."

Finally it's rose time, and after Blake hands out shrubbery to everyone in the room including Osher Gunsberg (well, how could you not?) it comes down to two: Chantal the psychic medium and Lauren the girl who hasn't been in a long term relationship like seriously ever can you even believe it I wonder why that is perhaps we should ask her repeatedly.

Surprisingly, Chantal gets the rose because even though she's a complete douchebag, at least she's had a boyfriend before.

Supremely unbothered.

EPISODE 14

Laurina's still in hospital battling dirty street pie fever. Everyone else continues struggling to care.

The new date card arrives courtesy of an Osher Gunsberg lookalike (what, you think he actually shows up just to film 10 seconds a week? You're so naive) and Sam reads out the message: "Would you prefer red or white?"

Everyone wisely deduces it probably has something to do with wine, but then Sam announces the date is for Louise.

So obviously it's referring to lipstick.

Blake arrives by helicopter and takes her to the Hunter Valley. Louise is totally impressed, because she didn't hear about the time he took Lisa to the Hunter Valley by helicopter.

Meanwhile, here's a picture of The Bachelor's head producer hard at work:

"I dunno, we could send them to the Hunter Valley, I guess..."

Louise has made Blake a caramel slice. This is a clever move, because it's the only way to stop him from going "haw haw haw" or talking about having kids every 30 seconds.

I hope she's made enough to last the whole episode.

Then they stomp grapes, and sadly this doesn't happen:

Still a classic.

Then they pash like, a million times, and it's super noisy and gross. So let's just do this:

Surely there has to be medical intervention at some point.

They only stop their pashing to have a long and boring conversation about the usual crap they talk about on this show - how they FEEL, and whether they can GO TO ANOTHER LEVEL, and if they're LOOKING FOR LOVE, and whether they can OPEN UP to each other and OH GOOD CHRIST IT'S SO DEADLY DULL I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN TAKE THIS MEGA RECAP EXERCISE IT MIGHT KILL ME...

Nek minit.

Then they... oh. For fu...

In hindsight, perhaps I should be grouping these all together...

Back at the Shag Mansion, and LAURINA HAS FINALLY RISEN FROM HER DEATHBED LIKE LAZARUS. What was wrong? What happened? No one knows. No one cares. Right. Good. Glad that's sorted then.

She celebrates her resurrection by reading out the group date card: "Let's put our hearts on the line".

"Flying fox!" she squeals.

Yeah sure, or maybe you're going fishing with real hearts as bait? So many possibilities!

"I don't care what we're doing on this group date I just want to have fun and spend some time with Blake," Laurina says.

Yeah, we've heard that before, Laurina.

They all show up at a film studio where they're greeted by Blake, Osher and the only woman on earth less impressed by this episode than me.

"I can't believe I agreed to do this."

"You're going to shoot a 30 second public service announcement video for the Heart Foundation!" announces Osher.

This exciting news is greeted with the appropriate reaction.

Jess and Chantal do an impression of a drunk Kath and Kim going to a fancy dress party as LMFAO:

"This conveys heart health, right?"

Laurina and Zoe mishear "the Heart Foundation" as "the hard on foundation" and accidentally produce a softcore porn set in a doctor's office:

"He can give me an injection any time!"

Still, it's better than Lisa and Sam's effort which is best summed up by this image:

No, I don't know what's happening here either.

Obviously Blake worked it out, as he declares them the winners and invites them back to his "Bachelor Pad" for a wine and cheese party, because apparently it's 1973.

They all go back to Blake's house and sit on the couch together and have a boring conversation and no pinot and brie induced threesomes happen. Yawn.

The 1970s theme continues back at Shag Mansion, where they're having a masquerade ball with decorations furnished by Copperart.

Just $12.99 the pair.

Hey guess what: masked balls don't work so well when everyone knows each other.

Everyone is looking very glamorous though. Osher's mask is particularly good.

Not quite lifelike, but it is pretty frightening.

Osher tells them there will be no rose ceremony tonight (hooray!) but that instead Blake will hand out roses during the party (boo) and more than one girl might be going home (yay!).

In an effort to impress Laurina and her robot army, Blake comes dressed as C3PO going to the Sydney Mardi Gras.

It is not a successful look.

Sensing his wiring might be slightly off, Jess sits him down and goes through his instruction manual.

"Huh, it says here you're out of warranty."

Jess gets a rose, Lisa gets a rose, Zoe gets a rose, Sam gets a rose. Everyone gets a rose except for Chantal and Laurina... but who will go home?

The answer is revealed when Blake takes Chantal outside for a talk involving the words "spark","trying to find" and "unfortunately".

BYEEEE.

Everyone is shocked that Chantal was dismissed before Laurina.

Everyone except Laurina.

EAT IT, H8ERS.

And thus ends the MEGA GIF RECAP. After you've spent several days in hospital and recovered your sanity enough to face this shit again, go on and READ EPISODE 15.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 11.



4 comments :

  1. God you're funny. You do indeed make it worth watching the show just to read this afterwards. For some reason I really like the scorecard "Fucks given:: 0" above and of course the Stillnox eyes-closed bit. I also loved your "Jess smiled at Blake and ate the gazebo" reporting a couple of weeks ago. Really appreciate the chance to laugh. Thanks for taking the time out of a busy life to provide them to strangers! Sally

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  2. Thanks. This was hilarious.

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  3. Hey this is Mary... just came across this. Man you have made me laugh hard! Enjoy your writing very much! Cheers!

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    1. Welcome Mary the Robot Vampire! Your time on the show was far too short. xo

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